There are times when I don't blog for a few days simply because it doesn't occur to me. There are also times when I'm struggling with a particularly hard personal struggle or a down cycle in my depression and I don't feel 'up' to blogging, so it goes quiet over here for awhile. Sometimes, I just have nothing to say at all, which is just so hard to believe, what with my ever-so-exciting life and all, so I don't blog.
Then there are times (like now, for instance) when basically I'm hiding from you all a bit. See, whether you've accepted the job or not, you are sort of my accountability partners, the ones who cheered me on to losing the weight, and celebrated the year plus that I've keep it off. The ones who remind me why I'm doing it, who give me helpful hints and pats on the back. The ones who I didn't want to know that I am NOT doing a good job of keeping that weight off now. At all.
I am not even going to try and sugar coat it for you. I am most definitely failing right now. My weight is up, probably back over 130 right now, but really I have no idea, because I am completely avoiding the scale. Me, the super obsessive weighing-in-er, not curious to peek and know how bad it is. Oh, I already know it's bad...and the sad thing is, I don't really know if I'm ready to start tackling it again.
Here is the thing: I know what to do. It isn't even really that hard to do it. I'm just choosing not to do it. WHY?!? Why am I sabotaging this after all these months? Almost exactly two years ago (April 3rd) I started this journey and I worked so hard, I became a person I didn't even think I could be, and I eventually accomplished my goal. In my life, to me, this was huge. What has happened to change that?
I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want, like a spoiled child. Maybe I'm tired of 'missing out' or denying myself. I don't know. Food just tastes good and I want it. Honestly, it doesn't really have to be deep...I like food, I love to eat! I like ice cream and chips and big plates of comfort food. I want pizza and Chinese food and huge bowls of pasta salad. I don't want fruit, veggies, eggs, and yogurt anymore. I want salty, sweet, ooey-gooey junkiness.
My workouts are still happening for the most part, except that I've missed the last couple of days due to some serious PMS...which could also be effecting the rest of this, to be honest, but then again I made it through almost two years of PMS without gaining more than a pound or two and only for a few days, so that's just not a good enough excuse. There IS no excuse.
I AM GAINING THE WEIGHT BACK. There. I had to say it. I had to acknowledge it, confess it, something. I am going in the wrong direction and have been for a couple of months now. It is happening and it will continue to happen unless I can get a grip and control myself.
In a few days it will be weigh-in day and we will know how bad the damage is. Hopefully, by then I will be ready to start the hard work to get back to my goal weight. I have to be ready, because retreat can't be an option. I must keep trying, because in the end, I believe it is worth it.
I love to read. It is something I sometimes forget, going through seasons where I don't pick up a book for weeks, only to find a great book and then proceed to go from one book to another for weeks on end. One of the worst things about being on an extremely tight budget is that I can't just go out and buy books. Even though most only cost between $10 to $25, that would take away from a grocery budget that I'm already stressed out over, know what I mean?
I actually have an (ever-growing) list of around 40 books right now that I want to read. The first thing I do is check the library, and sometimes I do get lucky and they have what I want, but they aren't too keen on stocking a ton of Christian books so most of the time I strike out with those. I've actually started reading a bunch of Amish-set fiction books, because oddly they have a huge selection of those...
Anyway, there are a couple of different books that are very popular online right now and oh, how I wanted them but I knew I must be patient and wait until I had a bit of extra money to buy them. Sigh. I would read blog post after blog post of people saying how wonderful and life-changing these books are...and each time I would have to remind myself that I would read them too, in time. There, of course, were plenty of giveaways, and trust me when I say I entered every single one I found! Never did I win anything though...
Until last week! Yes, I won a blog giveaway for one of the exact books (A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp) I was waiting for! I know it sounds crazy weird, but it felt like a kiss on the cheek from God. :) Thank you so much to an old blog friend, Katie, who held the giveaway over at her blog, Boasting in my Weakness.
But guess what? It doesn't stop there! My friend Shauna had emailed me recently about a great book on spirituality and dieting she was reading called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst...and little did she know, that was one of the books on my list! She said that I could borrow it when she was done and I was just so tickled that she would do that for me, especially since we don't even live in the same state!
Then yesterday, the very same day I got the other book from Katie, I got it a package in the mail from Shauna and in it sat the book! I didn't even know she was sending it yet, I thought it would be some day in the distant future or whatever. What a blessing! I was just beside myself, two of the books I was sooo wanting to read and forcing myself to be patient for, all of a sudden there I was holding them both in my hands. Just really, really cool.
So Katie and Shauna, I just wanted to take a second to tell you that God used you both in a big way to show me that He truly does care about the small stuff in my life. If I can learn to wait on Him and do things His way, He simply has it covered. I really needed to see a glimpse of Him at work, and I truly believe that this week I did. Amazing. :)
There are a few blogs that I read that I tend to let stack up in my google reader, sometimes as many as 45-50 deep. It isn't because they are the ones I don't care about, quite the opposite actually. They are the ones that I need to slow down and really focus on...and I often put them off because I never feel like I'm in the right state of mind to do that these days.
One of them is Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.
If you don't read her blog, please, trust me, start. I won't even try to describe it, other than to say I believe God has truly given her a gift. So anyway, I finally start tackling some old blog posts of hers in my reader and one had a short, simple line tucked inside that I can't seem to get out of my head. She said, "For the life of me? I can’t get it all right."
And immediately tears filled my eyes, because yes...that is exactly it. For the life of me I can't get it all right. Truthfully, it is often the last thought that runs through my head at night. 'Why can't I ever get it right? Just for one day? Why am I so weak? What is wrong with me?'And then I read that Ann, who is easily one of the online women I look 'up' to the most, sometimes feels the same way...and I am slightly comforted, slightly encouraged.
What does Ann say later in her post about this condition? She says: "The art of celebrating life isn’t about getting it right — but about receiving Grace."
Grace. I once read a really good book about it (What's so amazing about grace?) and it was such a life-changing thing. For about a week. Ugh. I have a terrible tendency to quickly lose any revelation I receive! I've actually been meaning to re-read the book, but there are like five more I'm already reading right now that I can't seem to finish...
Anyway, when I think of grace I tend to think of it in terms of me extending grace to others, because it is an area that I struggle with constantly. (Side note: Is there an area in which I don't struggle?!? See what I mean about not getting anything right?) The thought of my need for grace from God is much harder for me, because I know beyond any doubt that I do NOT deserve it. I don't deserve His forgiveness because I continually commit the same sins over and over again. I don't deserve His mercy because I so rarely grant mercy to others. I don't deserve His grace because I am a never-ending, never-changing mess. And on and on it goes.
Oh for goodness sakes, I don't even know what my point is! I guess it is just that every once in a while I get a momentary glimpse of the fact that we're all our own special kind of mess. Some just do a better job hiding their mess, I suppose. I think that most people have a much smaller mess to hide, lucky for them, and then there is me, who is basically a head-to-toe, can't-hide-it-even-if-I-wanted-to kind of mess. My only hope, your only hope, is God. Now, if only I could let that revelation move me toward Him, inspire me to seek Him, woo me to love Him. Please Lord, let me get at least this right.
So it has been brought to my attention that I need to get a new post up (ahem, Shauna) and yes, it is true, I do. Sorry for the abrupt blog-stoppage! I have been struggling, truth be told. I have been SO HUNGRY! Like, all the time. I'm not talking about just mentally wanting to just munch on something out of boredom or emotional stuff, no, this is an actual deep HUNGER. I just always feel famished, even right after a good meal. I have no idea where it is coming from, but wow have I been bad.
Yesterday alone could have made me gain a couple of pounds. Really! Lets see, I had waffles with syrup for breakfast (we were out of milk for cereal), a pretty decent lunch, and then it went really off the rails. It was the first beautiful day in ages, sunny and around 68 degrees. I talked Hubs into taking a half day off of work to enjoy the weather with us. Of course, we stopped at the newly-opened ice cream stand down the road. I started out good and didn't order anything...and then Hubs offered a taste of his vanilla ice cream mixed with Reese's cups. OH MY WORD. Utterly delicious. I ate at least half of it for him! (How nice of me to help HIM lose weight, right? LoL)
Then we cooked out for dinner and simply put, I made a huge pig of myself. Everything was so good! Sigh. I even went back for seconds of the mac and cheese. If I'm being really honest, I'd have had thirds too, if there were any left! :)
So yeah. Not good around here when it comes to eating. Working out? Yep. I'm being very faithful with workouts, actually. But I'm still not losing weight because all of the stinking food I'm eating is killing me on the scale!
On a more personal note, I've also been struggling with the disaster in Japan. Crying about it a lot. My heart is just SO broken for the people there! And of course, I start wrestling with God over the whole thing immediately...but I'm actually starting to feel peace about everything, in a way. My Bible study has been EXCELLENT during this time of my life (Beth Moore, Breaking Free) and although I'm down to the last two weeks, I've already decided to start it all over when I'm done. There has just been some seriously life-changing stuff in there that I'm trying to make sure sticks with me. Maybe I'll blog some of it the second time around.
So anyway, that's what has been keeping me away. Shoveling massive amounts of food down my throat while grieving for thousands of strangers, I'm just a hoot, right? Well, I'm also watching a ton of college basketball. Gotta do something while I'm shoving food in my face. ;-)
Notes from my weekend:
1) I am quite possibly addicted to Jelly Belly jelly beans. Seriously. My daughter bought some on Saturday and they are a HUGE hit around my house. The peach flavored ones are close to perfection and you can NOT stop eating them once you start. The weird thing is that I never liked jelly beans in the past. The bad thing is, our local Andersons store sells them by the bulk and I could go get a giant bag of only peach ones and it's sounding sooooo good...
2) I have a cold, or at least the start of one, and I'm miserable. Body aches, headache, sore throat, general blah-ness. I felt super yucky Saturday but then pretty decent yesterday and I thought it had passed already...only to wake up and feel like a truck hit me today. Ugh.
3) After having an AWESOME diet/exercise week all last week, it came crashing down this weekend. Hard. Between the Doritos my stinking hubby brought home (I pretty much ate an entire bag all by myself, no exaggeration) and the many, many jelly beans, not to mention the pizza, cheesy bread, and banana nut muffins, I'm pretty sure I undid all the good I did last week. I know that it's partially because I am feeling so gross that I'm so easily giving into cravings and munchies, but still so frustrating!
So anyway, I'm trying to regain my focus today, but honestly, not having much luck since I feel so sickly...but hey, spring is a-comin' and I've got to get ready! Luckily, I'm finally out of all the good Jelly Bellys. :)
You know what? I want to apologize for my pitiful post earlier today. I just spent an hour or so reading a blog of a woman around my age who is literally in the midst of dying of cancer. She's a wife. She's a mother. And she's suffering and dying.
Me? I'm feeling pretty pathetic for my woe-is-me-ness. I kinda live in that state of mind far too often and for goodness sake, I need to snap out of it. No, my life is not perfect, far from it. Yes, I have problems and struggles and right now I'm having a hard time having hope that things will change for the better.
But you know what? I'm alive, I'm well, and let's face it...it could be much, much worse. I'm sorry for losing sight of that fact once again.
Is it just me, or does it seem like 99% of all the bloggers out there live really stinking perfect lives?
Great houses that are furnished impeccably, beautiful figures clothed in a gorgeous wardrobe, tons of friends and social activities, magical super-husbands that do everything just right, huge bank accounts that never run low, no real worries in life whatsoever, except for the relatively little ones they tell us about from time to time (under the guise of 'see...my life isn't so perfect after all!') things that frankly I wish we're MY only problems.
Is this a true sample of 'real' life out there, I wonder? Is my life truly the exception to the rule that most of America has their crap together, or is it just that the mainstream blogs are the ones that people flock to, simply because they DO seem to have it all together? I don't know...just thinking out loud, as usual. ;)
Weight this morning: 123.2
Confession: I barely ate yesterday, so that is probably not a completely accurate weight. Don't get me wrong, I have been doing much better watching my food, and I am still working out faithfully (even doubling the length of my workouts the last two times) so I'm confident that my weight is looking better, but perhaps not this good. This number could very well be the result of me having a truly horrible day yesterday and only eating one meal and one snack all day long. Just trying to keep it real...
