Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 128
Weight this morning: 128.6
Gain of .6 lbs

Yeah, I'm not going to complain about gains while I'm not working out. I was 99% good with my eating this week but didn't work out at all. Gotta get my behind moving when I get down to the last five or so pounds, no doubt about it. The only one to blame here is me! 

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 131
Weight this morning: 128
Loss of 3 lbs

Wow! I honestly weighed myself twice because I didn't believe this one. I did NO workouts this week. NONE. I only occasionally logged calories. I went over calories more than once, I'm sure, including just yesterday.

However, I am just finishing up my monthly visit, so perhaps I was holding water weight? Also, I had a salad with chicken breast and fat free cheese FOUR days this week for lunch, a first for me, and apparently my body reacted well to this change! 

So I am FINALLY back in the 120's and I am FINALLY at the twenty pounds gone mark, for this time around, that is. Feels great! I am still lumpy and squishy and right now as I'm sitting here I have a spare tire around my middle, but at least I'm still making progress. Hopefully I'll get around to working out this week and can make some toning and tightening happen. And I'm going to keep eating those salads! :)

Weigh in and a progress picture

Weight last week: 132
Weight this morning: 131
Loss of 1 pound

Well. It is a loss and I will take it, but dang I've been waiting to get out of the 130's for a VERY long time! My body really wants this to be where I stay, apparently. However, I'm not giving up quite yet. I know I can do better. My workouts are still pathetic in numbers, only one last week. And I had that m&m day, a bit of a cheat day yesterday, and way too much chili and cornbread on Thursday. So most definitely room for improvement.  

Oh, and I thought I'd post a progress pic since I actually have a recent pic of me! I rarely take pictures because I so hate the way I look in them, but last night was my daughter's prom and here's one of us.

Well, here's to another week of not giving up. And maybe a bit of splurging today for Mother's Day! And a big Happy Mother's Day to any mamas reading this! :)
 

Some bad, some good

I'm trying not to let this blog sit dormant between weigh-ins so here I am, with a mid-week report. I'm back in the saddle, with a bit of a stumble on Tuesday night due to my first panic/anxiety episode during work. I've been doing better managing these attacks without meds and/or my go-to distraction, m&m's, but since it was during work I was in a hurry to 'fix' myself and couldn't take an anxiety pill because it would effect my focus...so m&m's it was. Not a giant amount, but not a small handful either.

Within an hour I also had a break in which I grabbed some dinner and had managed to feel 75% better, enough to have SUCH regret about eating those dang m&ms! I hate that I use them as a crutch! And why on earth does it sometimes work?! Maybe there's a blood sugar component to some of my anxiety attacks, who knows. All I know is, they may have torpedoed yet another week of seeing a loss. 

My workouts haven't evolved in the ways I'd challenged myself last time, either. I'm just an avoider of things I don't want to do! I did hit the treadmill really hard yesterday and it actually felt really good, so if nothing else I'll keep on doing that, it's better than nothing. I'm finding that working in the evenings is a thwarter of my motivation and plan making skills. Not that I couldn't make it work, I totally did the first week of work, but this second week has been different and I'm slacking during the day more. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. Of course, right when I find the right balance I'll be moving to day shift! :)

Oh, one positive note. Even though my losses have not been there recently, my body seems to be changing. I can fit my spring/summer clothes from three years ago, the ones that I started NOT fitting two summers ago and totally couldn't wear at all last summer! I gotta tell you, that felt great when I took a chance and tried them on. Not to mention saving me money, because I came very close to shopping for things, just assuming those wouldn't fit me yet. 

So anyway, lots of setbacks but also slight progress. Enough progress to keep me trying, which is all I can ask right now. Fingers crossed for the weekend, because between our friend being in town with is BBQ truck and going out for Mother's Day, my diet is in trouble! :) 

Not giving up yet

Just checking in to say that I'm still hanging in there, not giving up like I'd mentioned on weigh in day. (Although I totally made Sunday a massive cheat day, since I was celebrating Mother's Day a week early with my mom and sisters at my favorite Chinese restaurant!) 

I'm at a loss as to what to change about what I'm eating. I added more protein and that made for a good loss the first week I did it, but I've been stalled ever since. I'm mostly under calories each day (except the VERY occasional cheat day) so I don't think I'm eating too much. My exercising could be better, averaging only about 3 days a week, but frankly from past experience I've learned my losses come from diet WAY more than exercising. 

So. What am I doing wrong?? 

In all honesty, I know if I added more workouts it wouldn't hurt, so I really should. But I'm lazy. And I hate to workout! I do love walking in the park with my husband in the evenings, but now I'm working evenings all week so that's not happening. (Maybe I'll wake him up early and go in the mornings?) I know I need to add weight training but OH HOW I HATE THAT. 

You know, now that I mention weight training, it occurs to me that I'd added that in to my routine by this weight the last time around and I never plateaued like this (for weeks!) back then. Hmmmmm. Well, dangit. I think that is something I need to force myself to do. (Insert me whining: But I don't waaaaaaaant to!)

On a different note, the job is going well, just training so far and for the next 5 weeks, and then after that I'll be in a daytime schedule and I think I'll like that better. I feel like overall I'll enjoy the job and it'll be a good fit for me. It already feels good to contribute money to the family for the first time in almost two decades, and I like having something to do other than the usual house stuff, although I hate being forced to give up doing what I want to do when I want to do it. My daughter is learning to pull her weight more around the house, and that's been long overdue, to be honest. (My fault. Being a stay-at-home mom for 16 years, I just did 99% of what needed to be done because it was my JOB, even though I knew I should be training her to be more independent, I wasn't doing enough in that area.)

Well, that's my update for today. Hopefully the changes I mentioned will actually HAPPEN and I'll see a loss this week for the first time in awhile!

 

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 131.8
Weight today: 132
Gain of .2 lbs

Sigh. I haven't been perfect, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong to be GAINING weight! I'm feeling so frustrated and ready to give up. 

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 131.6
Weight today: 131.8
Gain of .2 lbs

Yeah, I totally expected that but it still sucks. No big talk today of planning to do better this week. I'm still deep in the pit and I start work tomorrow. Who knows if I'll even make it through the week intact, let alone with a loss.  

A pattern to the madness?

So I'm still in bed and it's past noon. I did get up earlier to shower and change, but then I decided to get right back into bed. Nothing to do today, no one else is home, and I am still deep inside the pit of yucky depression.

Then I started thinking of the last time I was in bed during the day. I hadn't eaten in three days and I was super depressed then, too. So I looked it up here (why this blog is so helpful to me sometimes!) and it was literally one month ago exactly. At the tail end of my period, when I usually get super moody and yucky again. Holy crap, could this be ALL hormones? 

Now, both times I had actual circumstantial 'reasons' adding to the depression, things going on in my life that suck and are completely out of my control. However, maybe something hormonal at the end of my period is actually making me incapable of dealing with the problems in a healthy manner? Making everything seem hopeless, huge, and insurmountable?

So...even though I feel like I'm never going to be happy and functional again, maybe it'll pass in a day or so like last time. Ugh. I hate how badly my hormones effect everything about me and the fact that I can't fix this, but at least it isn't everyday. I don't know how people with clinical depression deal with this daily! It is horrible and debilitating. 

Side note: I am also feeling like I'm coming down with a cold or something and last night I totally caved and binged on junk food, like I always do when I'm sick. And I ate A LOT. And it's still in the house with me today...so my hopes aren't high for a positive outcome on the scales tomorrow. Oh well, I just don't care too much about that right now, unfortunately. I'm sure I will care tomorrow morning when I see a gain, though!

Bad week

Having a bad couple of days. I know it's partially hormones at play, as it is my time of the month, but the depression/anxiety/anger/frustration is so real and overwhelming. I have learned to live relatively okay with just anxiety...that is my daily affliction and I deal with it and function normally (for me, that is!) but when it is accompanied by depression (which luckily isn't everyday, only a few days a month in the spring/summer, more in the winter) I am not able to be myself at all. I am paralyzed and consumed with it. I am less than myself. 

Things -- besides hormones -- that are contributing to this yuck right now:

I am so crazy lonely that there are not adequate words to express it. A few times lately I've literally cried in public because my loneliness overwhelms me. I shop with a giant lump in my throat. I eat most of my meals alone. I go hours without speaking every single day. It is lonely.

I am trying to do the right, responsible things in my life and being made out to be the 'bad' guy as a result. It is unfair and frustrating. It makes me want to give up. 

I am nervous and apprehensive about starting a job for the first time in almost two decades on Monday. I'm so afraid it'll take away too much family time, compound my own loneliness, cause me to not be available for my daughter and make her feel neglected and lonely herself. I'm messing up her future financial aid in a big way. I have so much guilt over working again.

I'm lately feeling such an anger towards my father, and the fact that he has never been there for me. That I've been abused and neglected instead of 'fathered' in any way in my life and how that makes me feel vulnerable and unworthy and empty of something I know I need. I've carried this anger basically my entire life, but for some reason it's been gnawing at me a bit more recently. 

I am struggling to not eat tons of crap to drown out these feelings I'm having. I'm not exercising at all, because depression cripples me, makes me curl up into myself and takes away nearly all of my energy. Just getting through the day exhausts me.

Yeah, this is all depressing and sad and whiny and I really hate that. I hate putting my pathetic-ness on display, even though I leave out 99% of the details. But it is another part of this journey, I suppose, so I am putting it down here, if for no other reason but to look back later and remember why there's a gain this week, assuming there will probably be one. 

It's a bad week, but it'll pass. 
   

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 133.6
Weight this morning: 131.6
Loss of 2 lbs

I am so pleased with this loss. I didn't have a bad week or anything, it's actually starting to be 'easy' again, but I'm PMS-ing which usually means water weight/bloat so I wasn't sure if the numbers would be kind to me, especially after a big loss last week. But, they were, and I'm happy with it.

I'm sooooo hoping to see the 120's next weigh in, but now's about the time the loses start slowing so I'm just going to keep plugging and take whatever my body gives me. I'm starting to believe I'll make my goal this time, which is motivating me to keep trying. And it's Spring in these parts, which makes my life 1000x easier and 'lighter' feeling, which helps immensely!