Little changes add up...right?

When I first started really trying to lose weight I decided to make small changes instead of big ones. For example, I didn't start working out two hours a day and cutting whole food groups like carbs completely out of my diet...I knew I couldn't maintain those things for very long!

So, I simply traded my sweet snack of choice at the time (Peanut m&m's) for 100 calorie packs and dark chocolate Hershey kisses. I traded my afternoon chip-fest for string cheese, almonds, and yogurt. I traded huge, overflowing plates (and seconds) at dinner for smaller plates and no seconds. I added fruits and veggies. I cut back on butter and cheese.

Small changes...but ones that led to weight loss over time. No quick fix. No drastic measures. Some of my changes were harder than others, and sometimes I wondered if they were making any difference, but eventually I saw the benefits.

So lately I wondered if this strategy would work in other areas of my life as well. At the grocery store, for example. Our food budget is much smaller these days than it used to be and I'm finding ways to make small changes that will hopefully add up to savings. Clipping coupons. Switching from bottled water to tap. Switching to frozen concentrated OJ. Cutting back on my daily coffee and switching to a cheaper brand. Using rags and dish towels instead of paper towels. Reducing the amount of side dishes I make. No more 100 calorie packs...except for the almonds because they are just worth it. (For real.) No more microwave meals for lunch. (That one is HARD!) There are more, but you get the idea.

Small changes, that will hopefully add up to make a difference.

Okay, so how about even MORE personally...like using this strategy to change my attitude? For example, using silence more often. Last night I was feeling grumpy and wanted to be rude to my husband, but instead I kinda just made a small decision to be silent for a bit. Now, this isn't a perfect solution (I could have just been NICE to hubby despite my feelings) but these are SMALL, baby steps...that's the point! I've been trying to make the small change of picking one thing to be thankful for when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Things like that, I'm sure I'll think of a thousand more!

So...I guess the point of this post is that maybe we'd all be better off focusing on the small things we can change instead of the big ones that overwhelm us. It takes longer to see real change perhaps, but it's better than attempting to do an instant, complete, dramatic self-makeover and failing miserably over and over and over again!

Or am I the only one who does that? :-)

Monthly weigh-in

Weight today: 122.2

Still holding steady, although I'm not by any means watching what I eat enough, or exercising at all. I'm a HUGE slacker! I've started letting myself buy treats (um, junk) at the grocery store...which breaks my number one rule: the battle is won or lost at the grocery store. Um, yeah. It holds true, and I've been losing the battle lately!

So I informed Hubby last night that I have to put the breaks on all of the ice cream, Dorito's, ect. that have been finding themselves at home in our cart lately. I just have no will power when the bad alternatives are there in the kitchen waiting for me! Thankfully (hopefully!) I've caught this before I had a big gain.

Although, there was technically a gain this month if I'm being honest. Earlier this month I had dropped a couple more pounds, even weighing in under 120 one day and holding steady at 120 for about a week...but then the junk food buying spree happened and I'm back up those two pounds. So, my maintenance weight held steady but the two pound loss I was working on keeping is out the window. Oh well! Perhaps this month?

Thanks for the kind words after that last post, by the way. I was trying to get thoughts onto 'paper' so to speak and it kinda came out all pathetic, but it is what it is. ;-)

Hope that everyone is doing well and enjoying the Spring/Summer weather! It's the perfect time of year for weight loss...nice weather to exercise outside, awesome fruits and veggies to enjoy, and the incentive to look good in a tank top! :-)

Psycho-babble jibberish

I am having one of those weeks that has been one big, fat FAIL. In every way imaginable, I have just completely sucked this week. I have been a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad dieter, a bad neighbor, a bad person. I have yelled at those who didn't deserve it, I have been a bad example, I've been self-indulgent, I have been ugly and weak, and most of all...I've been a failure.

I have all-out binged like three times....and I'm not even a binge type person. One night, on purpose, by myself, I went to the store just to buy junk food, with the sole intention of eating it all that night, simply because it had been a bad day. Earlier today I ate really high fat, high calorie food that I didn't even particularly care for, just to eat it. To feed the pain. Complete comfort food. Trying to self-medicate instead of using any measure of self-discipline.

Truth is, I've stopped even trying.

I have not exercised in 10 days. Not even a little. I'm completely slacking and deep down inside I know that I'm self-sabotaging. I feel ugly so I treat myself ugly. I don't 'deserve' to be thin and fit. I don't even feel like I deserve to be healthy.

I am struggling.

Confession is good for the soul, or so they say. So here is my confession: I hate myself. In fact, I am so full of self-hate today that I am feeling it deep down in my core, to the point of almost physical pain. It isn't because of the diet/exercise fail, it is what leads to the diet/exercise fail. What should be easy is hard. What should be hard is unbearable. Everything feels big and I feel small. I wonder how those around me can stand me...even I would love to escape from me.

This thinking, this feeling, is how I got fat in the first place.

To find a way to live with such a feeling of self-loathing requires a systematic emotional numbing of myself. If I move too much -- getting out of the house, exercising, socializing, having fun -- I start to feel too alive, too aware of the yuck, so I don't do anything other than what is absolutely necessary. To eat right requires too much clear-headed thinking and my mind won't focus...so we order pizza. Sugar and salt numb my brain, so bring it on in large quantities. The computer or a good book can be wonderful escapes...so I sit in my comfy chair and surf the web or lose myself in a book for hours.

Numb.

Oh, and let us not forget that self-loathing has a friend, and it's name is self-destructiveness.

Self destructiveness is one of the hardest patterns to break free from, let me tell you. It is deceptive, it hides, and it disguises itself as self-appreciation or even self-love. For example...what feels, at the time, like a reward (a bag of chips, skipping a workout, ect) for getting through a bad day is actually, subconsciously, a self administered punishment for the 'sins' I've committed to create said bad day. I've been (perhaps unknowingly? Perhaps not?) trying to take away what I've accomplished because deep down inside I feel that I don't deserve anything good in my life. Ugly deserves ugly. Pain just brings more pain. Punishment is deserved.

Does this even make any sense?

Honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is what was on my mind today. I am truly sorry for the rambling, ridiculous post. I'm just trying to figure a few things out, obviously! I'm a mess, therefore my diet/exercise plan is a mess...and I just wanted to come clean and perhaps start to get to the root of the problem. I'm afraid it goes deep.

Monthly weigh-in

It's already time for the May weigh-in! Things are holding steady...my weight this morning was 123.2, which is exactly the same as it was last month!

Exercise has been spotty, if I'm being honest. I'll be really faithful and working hard for a few weeks and then slack off for a couple of weeks. I know I need to be way more consistent with this, especially since I still have quite a bit of toning up to do!

Hopefully one of these days I'll have some great pics of me all toned up and looking great...but first I have to convince myself to pick up the stinking weights and workout! It'll happen, I believe in me! :)

Have a great May everyone...it is one of my favorite months!

April weigh-in

Monthly weigh-in time! Today's weight is 123.2 so we're holding steady. Well, steady-ish. I've been up and down between 122 and 125 all month, but that's alright, as long as I'm not going above 125, like I did briefly not long ago!

This week marks two special anniversaries for me: It marks one year since I officially started my diet/weight loss journey, and it also marks six months since I reached my goal and started maintenance! It has been quite a journey on both counts, but I'm feeling pretty good the whole year overall.

So...here's to another year of trying to make good food decisions and staying active. It's a daily battle, but one that is really worth it in the end.

A couple of steps back and a step forward again

So, a few days ago I weighed in at 126.6, which is my highest since my goal was met and very much going in the absolute wrong direction. I know it isn't that bad numbers wise, especially considering where I was in the beginning, but was still stressing me out. The reason it bothers me so much is that it demonstrates a definite upward trend, and a quick one at that, since it's only been five months since I hit my goal weight. I know that if I don't nip this in the bud and soon, I'll end up right back where I started, and possibly even higher. It's happened to me in the past and I've read MANY blogs that tell the exact same story.

I do NOT want to yo-yo at this point. I want to be consistent!

So, that is why I'm concerned about an almost four pound gain. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, I'm simply trying to be proactive. Hope you guys understand. :-)

Anyway, I've been exercising really well in February in March so I knew my diet was the culprit. I've been letting myself eat pretty much whatever I wanted again. I got into a really bad habit of eating Special K as munchy food. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking it's okay because it isn't candy or chips or whatever...it's diet cereal! So, I'd fill up a coffee mug of dry Spec K and munch it while I'd watch tv, surf the internet, or read a book...sometimes refilling the mug before I was done. I was pretty much doing this every single day for a couple of weeks.

That is just one example of how I'd slipped back into old habits, there are many more I could tell. Needless to say, I'd stopped really trying. SO. I just started trying again. And you know what? It only took four days of cracking down to get me back under 123 again! Amazing.

I just have to continually remind myself that it is a daily fight and actually engage with that fight. I've never been one to be perfect 100% of the time. I let myself have treats and cheats to keep myself sane. BUT. I can't let it become constant treats and cheats! I also need to realize that just because it isn't cake that I'm munching all day doesn't mean it can't add up and cause weight gain if I don't practice moderation.

Truthfully, I hate the idea that I'm going to have to watch my eating for the rest of my life, but that is just the way it is. I have to be ever vigilant if I'm going to maintain this loss, period.

Hopefully everyone is doing well. It is finally almost SPRING! I can't tell you what a relief that is to me. Today is gray, windy, and rainy...but it is still better than the constant barrage of snow we got in February! Tonight we turn back the clocks and that means longer days, backyard bonfires, walks after dinner, and summer around the corner. GOOD stuff. ENJOY! :-)

Still up...

My monthly weigh-in is officially 125.2. UGH. That is the magic number that puts me back into 'diet' mode again. I am VERY frustrated, because I have worked out extremely hard the past few weeks, both cardio and strength training.

SO....time to crack down on my eating again. It is the only way. Hopefully the April weigh in will look much better!

Exercise yes, diet...not so much

So I'm just going to come out and say it: I am struggling!

The scale has not been my friend for most of this winter. I am back up to 125 (and sometimes 125.5 or even 126) and I can't seem to get the numbers to go back down. Here's the worst part: I have actually been working out really faithfully...and I even added in the dreaded strength training that I've been avoiding for so long. Let me tell you, it is so frustrating to be working out so hard that I feel it all over my body for a couple of days afterward...yet it isn't giving me any good results.

Again, for whatever reason, it is the food that seems to make things happen for me. I could work out all day long and not see the scale move one ounce, yet on the other extreme if I eat under 1200 calories a day and sit on my butt doing nothing, then the scale cooperates. UGH! I just want to eat what I want!!

Well to put it bluntly, my eating has NOT been great. I've been dealing with a ton of life problems and I have pretty much turned to comfort food. Not really editing much these days...that is the best way to put it. For example, I used to make chicken fajitas but eat mine without the tortillas. But these days I eat them with tortillas again, adding 300 calories to dinner a few days ago. I used to not make white pasta...now I am again. I used to carefully plan ahead using the internet before eating out, now I just order whatever I want again...including a brownie sundae a couple weeks ago! No editing going on at all.

I just cook what I want, order what I want, eat snacks, whatever. My water intake is down again, too. I know what to do to turn this around, but I'm just not really doing it. There are no 'good' snacks in the house, so I eat chips or handfuls of cereal straight from the box. (Side note: WHY do I keep buying junk?!? I have forgotten my dieting mantra: The battle is won or lost at the grocery store!) So many nights I'm just really mentally exhausted, so I ask Hubby to bring home pizza, no longer editing the breadsticks, by the way...and this happens a couple of times a week. BLAH.

Yeah, I know it does NO good to come here and whine about it, I should just DO it already, right?? Yep. I really should...

Random pics for no reason at all...

I have been meaning to post this pic forever...
It just blows my mind how much different my face looked! Had to get it on here for a reminder of what I'm trying to prevent from happening again.

Just for fun, here's a pic I just scanned onto my computer from all the way back in 1997...


Hubby and I the year we got married. How cute are we? :)

Monthly weigh-in

Well, my monthly weigh-in was up a pound and a half to 124.5. UGH. I hate that I wasn't able to take off that extra weight yet...but I WILL. Oh yes, I will.

On a possibly related note, I am still just 'spotting' and haven't officially started my monthly yet. It's been five days of this! I have had full-blown PMS the whole time, too...which has totally kicked my booty. I don't know what the heck is going on with my body right now. During the past few days I've had a few long episodes of heart palpitations, severe cramps and headaches, and of course the lovely night sweats, so I'm thinking it's just a big mess of peri-menopause.

BUT! I'm not using that as an excuse for the gain. I gained this weight early in the month, and I had time before last week to lose it but didn't. I slowed my metabolism down by slacking on exercise late last year and now I've got to just rev it back on up again! No biggie...I CAN do this!!