2011...only ten days late

Still breathing. The holidays are always very, very hard for me mentally, and this year was among the worst I've ever experienced. Truthfully, the anxiety and stress kinda took the wind out of my sails...thus the blog silence. (Also, I am having major laptop malfunctions and that is not helping!)

I am thankfully not struggling as much right now, actually since Jan 2nd I've been doing better, but I must confess that my diet/exercising is still DREADFUL. Seriously. No exercise at all yet this year, and I've been eating junk nonstop. My first of the year weigh-in was 122, but if I'm completely honest...that was after skipping dinner on New Years Eve due to a major panic attack. I am currently up two pounds from that number. Most deservedly, I must say.

As for my other goals, they are actually in better shape. I've been doing myself up (dressing nicely, makeup and hair done) on most days, I'm studying the Bible again...both nightly with my husband and in a new ladies Bible study at church, I've been staying off the computer more, and I'm maintaining a sense of peace in my relationships. All in all, not too shabby considering how close to a nervous breakdown I was ten days ago! :)

So, did I make any resolutions this year? I didn't really, but I suppose when you get right down to it I do have a few. I'm still trying to drop 5-10 more pounds and tone up. I'm still trying to make sure I'm looking nice and acting nice each day. I'm still seeking God and His will in my life. I'm forever attempting to be a better wife and mother. I'm hoping that 2011 brings me the peace and joy that I'm forever striving to find.

I guess you could say that I'm resolving to be a better person as the year progresses...is that enough of a resolution for you? :)

I'd love to hear your resolutions, if you have any!

Sad little update for ya...

I know that I said I'd update on some things I've been working on...so here goes.

Diet/exercise: So-so. I've been hitting the treadmill again, not everyday but around 3 times a week. The diet is not great...Christmas cookies, cherry cordials, that sort of thing. I know that the next two weeks will be hard, but hoping the first of the year brings renewed willpower and perhaps another few pounds off the scale in 2011.

Appearance: Last week was stellar. I was dressed nice with hair and makeup done almost everyday. This week, not so much. Slack city. I've been super-unnaturally fatigued this past week (my period wrapping up...could this be post-menstrual somehow?) and I've been slacking on a LOT of stuff, including looking nice. So, yeah. Fail this week on this one.

Relationships: Well, mostly okay on this one. I'm still struggling to find my peace in God and not in circumstances and people, and until I can manage to get there I will still struggle in my relationships. I have GOT to stop letting my unmet expectations dictate my attitudes and take my joy. Work in progress. I'm calling this one a fail, even though outwardly I am doing a bit better, inwardly I'm still a big ole mess.

Spiritually: Biggest fail of all. UGH. I am not even trying at this point...again. Why do I do this?! Not reading, barely praying, ignoring God on purpose almost. I know it all comes down to my lack of trust that He really has my back. Not sure how to develop trust where there isn't any. When will I get it through my head that all these other things will be easier if I can get this one right? Fail, fail, fail.

Living my life: Fail, again. Wow, this post is pathetic. I'm on the computer FAR too much again. Letting that fatigue get the best of me and not getting out of the house much. Letting fear have far too much control of me and almost shutting me down completely. Wishing I could just skip Christmas this year. So yeah, fail.

Sorry that I'm not here with great reports of my life turning around...perhaps next time. Right now, I am just treading water. I have such a hard time with the Christmas season and it's manifesting in pretty much every area of my life right now. So for now, I'm surviving minute to minute and hoping this feeling lifts with the new year.

Hard sacrifices (are there any other kind?)

I'm back from my non-internet weekend and it went pretty well. I didn't cheat one time, and I got lots of reading done with the free time I had. The reading was nothing short of me-changing and it pretty much messed me up. In a good way. Kind of.

The book? It is Radical by David Platt. It is all kinds of amazing and eye opening and humbling and I could just go on and on. It has completely (and I do mean completely) changed the way I see both my relationship with God and my relationship with the world, and I'm only halfway through with it! I am realizing that I have been so, so wrong in how I view what being a Christian should be, at least for ME, and now I'm wondering how to actually put what I'm reading into practice, which is always where I tend to disconnect with a great truth.

NOT THIS TIME, I am praying. I can't this time.

So anyway, there's that. There WILL be more on this book later, I'm sure. :)

I got a couple of private emails and comments about my relationship rut so I wanted to try and clarify a bit without too many details, if possible. Let me start by saying that it is referring to my relationship with my husband, so there are more layers to this problem than what's on the surface. This is a covenant relationship and that is different. More complicated. Spiritual, even.

I also want to say that he is honestly a good man who is not being unfaithful or abusive in any way. That needs to be clear. I also need to say I truly do love him and that my vows were not only to my husband but to God, so I have to find a way to hold up my end of this covenant in a Biblical way. I'm finding more and more during my studies on this subject that my flesh/emotional responses are OFTEN the opposite of what God would have me do, so I am trying very hard to follow God right now, regardless of how weak and pathetic it makes me look or feel.

It all kinda comes down to this: If my desires/needs/dreams are not being addressed in the ways I'd like them to be (or addressed at all) but my bringing this up to my husband only brings increasing strife and pressure on our marriage (no matter how delicately I try to broach the subject) what more can I do?

Of course, I should also add that the problems don't lie only with my husband, God knows I am a freaking mess, but being that I am only one half of the problem means that I can't accomplish true peace/unity if the other half won't cooperate. Additionally, the more I try to bring the issues to the surface (and believe me, I HAVE tried for years) the more distress I place onto my marriage, and I'm convinced if I don't drop things that I may very well lose my marriage. I can truly see the damage being done.

So, I guess the better way to say it isn't that I'm totally GIVING UP those desires/needs/dreams, but giving them over to God. I have to be willing for those desires/needs/dreams to come second to my marriage vows. I don't see any other way, at least right now. Any other option (leaving him, being a nag, sowing more strife, ect) would be a sin on my part.

Trust me when I say that this is one of the hardest exercises in sacrifice I have ever gone through! I want to stand up and scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!" It all just seems so unfair. However, I am starting to see that often what seems unfair to us humans is sometimes just simply God's way of refining us. And you know what? If giving up these things ultimately brings me closer to God and His will for my life, even if it temporarily makes my life harder, well, it will be worth it.

After all, being a Christian should mean it isn't all about me getting MY will in this life anymore, but HIS will being accomplished through me and my circumstances WHATEVER they may be, and wow is this teaching me that it is much harder in practice than it is in theory!

No, this is not perfect or even close to ideal. No one knows this more than I do, believe me. I'm trying to let go of perfect and just focus on God, trusting that He has my back on this one.

So, there's a bit more explanation for you. I know it's vague and I HATE when blogs do that but in this case I have to do it this way out of respect to my husband. I also know that some of you may disagree with what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but I truly feel that I'm doing what God is asking of me during this season.

Updates on the other 'ruts' will be coming soon!

My many ruts and trying to find my way out of them

Have you ever found yourself in a rut in a certain area of your life? I think we probably all have at one point or another, right? Well, what about being in a rut in pretty much every area of your life all at the same time? Yeah. That's a bit more problematic...and it's kinda where I've found myself lately.

In a rut with my diet/exercise plan, obviously.

In a rut with my closest relationships.

In a rut with my personal appearance.

In a rut spiritually. (This one is making all the others that much worse.)

In a rut emotionally.

In a 'life' rut...spending too much time avoiding life and not enough time living it. Just killing time.

There are probably more that I could come up with given more time, but that's enough to paint you all a picture of where I am right now. They say that admitting there is a problem is the first step in fixing it, right? Well, I have a problem. Thankfully though, I'm starting to make baby steps in trying to get back on track at least a little bit in each of these areas.

Diet/exercise: Trying to make better choices, one choice at a time. For example, last night I wanted a big bowl of cereal at bedtime, but instead of giving in like I've been doing far too often recently, I made air popped popcorn instead. +1 for me. Today I came THIS close to getting a Wendy's hamburger and fries, but I was a good girl and had Subway instead. +1 again. Trying to get more water during the day and using tricks like chewing gum to avoid mindless snacking. +2.

(I plan on trying to add in exercise again next week.)

Relationships: This one is much trickier, as it requires cooperation from other people in order to make any sort of decent progress. For now, I am just feeling my way around each day, trying to do my part. Most days I fail miserably, but some days I almost succeed. Honestly, I could fill a book with all of the details and complications in this category, but for now I won't. Let's just say I'm learning to sacrifice my needs, dreams, and wishes for the greater good of peace, and it is exceedingly difficult.

(I'm considering sharing more of my relationship struggles here, but I'm trying to decide if I can do it without a bashing or complaining tone. We'll see.)

Personal appearance: Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but somewhere along the way I just stopped caring. My husband works very long hours and most days isn't home until I'm already showered and in my pj's...so why bother making myself look nice if he isn't even going to see me that way, right? Honestly, some days I don't even leave the house, and other days the most I'll end up doing is running to Walmart or the dollar store, so I just don't see the point of it all.

Well. I guess I underestimated the toll it would take on my self-esteem to always look dowdy, with no make up, hair pulled back, and sweatpants on everyday! Lately, I've honestly been feeling so ugly, so blah, so gross. So, this week I've made it a priority to actually put make-up on and do my hair each day. I've also dressed nicely most of the week, even on days no one saw me dressed but my daughter. It has already started making me feel more human again. I guess that's worth the 30 or so extra minutes of primping each day!

Spiritually: This one is huge. I have fallen so far away from God the last few weeks, you wouldn't even believe it. I have completely stopped trying to seek Him...no praying, no Bible study, no worship. I'm so far retreated into myself that I can no longer see HIM past ME and I hate it. So...I've started praying again, little prayers, but prayers nonetheless. I've decided to dedicate this weekend to trying to seek Him more...read some books, study the Bible, ect. Obviously, this will take more than a weekend to fix, but I have to start somewhere and hopefully it will snowball into a better relationship with God once again.

Emotionally: Ugh. Where do I even start? I guess my biggest weapon against this current emotional rut is to try to practice being thankful more for even the little things. Oh, and I've decided to try to fake being happy when necessary. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but really, I'm going to try it. What do I have to lose?

How I live my life: I spend a lot of time on the computer. Like, a lot. My daughter uses an online school and it requires me to sit in front of the computer for at least 5-6 hours a day for that, but even beyond that I am online for a few additional hours each day! It needs to be cut back, without a doubt. I MUST do this. I plan on starting this as soon as we're finished with school today, by limiting myself to only one hour online in the evening tonight, then offline all weekend (!). I'm actually a bit freaked about a total internet detox, but that alone tells me it's necessary.

So. I am in a rut, no -- in MANY ruts -- but I'm trying to dig my way out of them the best that I can. Any ideas in any of these areas are welcomed. (Just be nice!) Hopefully by this time next week I'll have some good reports to share. :)

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 125.8

I'm up a bit again, but truthfully I'm not surprised. I haven't been doing what I know I should be doing and eating crazy bad lately, so yeah. It is what it is.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Honestly, things in my personal life aren't great and I've kinda retreated into myself a bit. Hopefully I'll be back blogging again soon.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season. We have snow on the ground this morning, so it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...ready or not! (I'm not)

The lifting

I'm breathing again. Thank God, because I was barely breathing for days, and I was truly afraid. Afraid that this would be the time that the darkness wouldn't retreat...that this would be the end of me.

Yet, here I stand. Not yet quite myself, but not so deep in the pit that I can't see the sun. There is light now, and for now it's enough. I have hope now, and I feel God's strength holding me together, most welcome, most needed. I finally cried out to him yesterday morning, after days and days of holding back my prayers. I knew other people were praying for me, some even strangers to me, and I was so unspeakably thankful for that because I couldn't, or wouldn't perhaps, do it for myself.

With the prayer came a slight lifting, and later I forgave someone a grudge I'd been holding, and more lifting came. Today came worship, and the lifting continued. There is now room in me to not only breathe, but take a deep, cleansing breath...and it feels like hope. I actually feel hopeful.

He is good.

Now I'm trying desperately to let go. Of the fear that grips me, of the anger that rises and rages, of the doubts and confusion that plague my relationship with God...of all illusion of control. Over and over, I've tried to let go and I've failed, more times than I can count, but what else can I do? I try again.

Hiding

I have spent the last day and a half tucked into bed. Hiding under the blankets. Trying to feel safe, secure, numb, I don't know. Something. I am not sick in my body, and yes, I am definitely sick mentally, but it's more than that. I am sick in my heart. I am sad. Sad to the very deepest core of myself. Alone. More alone than I've felt in a long, long time.

Today I am out of bed, but not because I want to be, it's because I have to be. Tonight we have a volleyball dinner to attend for my daughter and I needed to get up and cook the Hawaiian coconut pudding that we're bringing. (It's a luau theme...quite lame but what can you do?) So now I'm up, out of bed, sitting in my chair, furiously hoping my pudding is forming something that resembles an edible consistency in the fridge right now, and quite frankly barely hanging on.

I just want to go back to bed.

I am tired...in my body, my brain, my innermost soul, my heart...so very tired. Too tired to even pretend to go through the motions of life. Now what?

Decision

I decided to put my Nov. 1st weight at 124, since it was 123.6 on Saturday and 124.2 this morning...kinda in the middle of the two. ;-)

Not worried about being slightly up today, as I am once again moving slowly (since Saturday for goodness sakes!) and I know once it happens I'll be lighter. (Gross, but true)

Not much else to add, except that my favorite sandwich place (Penn Station) is having a sale on their 8 inch Philly subs (only $2.99!) and I'm thinking that I really must have one soon...

Ooops!

Oh for goodness sakes, I just realized I was supposed to weigh-in today for my monthly weigh in! Well, it's too late to get an accurate number for today (I weigh-in before breakfast) so...I can either take Saturday's number, which would be two days early, or do it tomorrow, which would be one day late. What to do?

Welcome November

Well here we are in November already! The past couple of months have just flown by, probably because we have been sooooo busy with school and extracurricular activities. November is looking to be a much slower month, so yay for that!

I did manage to get through Halloween weekend without eating any candy...well, except for a few dark chocolate kisses, but I eat those pretty much everyday. I bought Kit Kat's to pass out and I truly don't care for those, and my daughter decided that she was finally too old to trick or treat this year so we had no candy coming into the house...easy, peasy!

My eating was pretty good calorie wise all weekend, but not due to any great amount of effort on my part...nope, it was because I was in and out of a panic attack all weekend. Not fun. One of my anxiety issues focuses on food and when that flares up I find it extremely difficult to eat. I don't know how to explain it other than I get afraid of 99% of the food around me all of a sudden, and until I can find the one thing that I feel like I can eat, I'm panic filled and stressed out. It isn't fun for me and SO not fun for my family. Ugh. Anyway, I did eat over the weekend, but I don't think I had any protein whatsoever, so that may effect my weight negatively, who knows. I'm not weighing myself today regardless.

Tomorrow is voting day...something I participate in even though, truth be told, I'm not particularly inclined to believe either 'side' is going to do the right thing anymore. I used to be pretty political on my old blog, but after awhile it becomes hard to stand up for politicians when they all end up slimy and corrupt in the end. These days I just try to focus on God being in control no matter what political party is running this country (or state, or city, or whatever) but voting still seems important to me. I hope everyone has researched the various candidates and issues wherever you live and get out to make your opinion known at the polls tomorrow!

Happy November!