Sanctity of Human Life week...my story

Today I'm going to take a HUGE step away from my normal blog material and go super-deep into the personal...because I feel it is important for someone to hear what I'm about to say. It is one of the most private stories of my life, but I'm starting to realize that if I keep it to myself for the sake of privacy, I potentially strip that chapter of my life of any redeeming value. The story must be told so that God can use my mistakes to set someone else free, to guide someone else to a better decision than the one I made over 20 years ago. I had an abortion. This is my story.

I had just turned 18. I was a senior in high school and had been dating the same boy for a year and a half before I became pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant was in one way beyond terrifying -- but I also remember feeling oddly disconnected from the whole thing. I don't even remember discussing what our plans were with my boyfriend, but we must have at some point. Honestly, so much of this time of my life is blocked from my memory or is just a blur. What few real memories I do have I will share:

I do remember being extremely hormonal. We went on our senior class trip to Washington DC and there was one night in the hotel when I was yelling and losing it over something, I have no idea what. I distinctly remember my boyfriends best friend calling me psycho, and I remember feeling like I was drowning with that statement...I truly felt psycho but I couldn't stop freaking out. Everything was out of control and I felt like no one cared, no one noticed.

I remember going to the prom, and I remember my boyfriend and I fought at the after party. I think because he went swimming but I couldn't because everyone would see my stomach was showing. I remember sitting in a stairwell, in the dark, thinking how alone I was and how unfair it was that the girl bears the brunt of a pregnancy. I remember crying and crying and crying, there in that dark stairwell, thinking I'd never be able to stop crying and wondering how I was going to survive it all.

Soon after prom my boyfriend took me to Pizza Hut for a date one night, and then afterward, while sitting in his driveway in the car, he very coldly dumped me. While I was still pregnant with his child, practically a child myself. Need I even describe the scene? I completely freaked. I'm not sure there are words, really. Devastation. I remember thinking how easily he was suddenly free...yet I wasn't. I never really would be free.

The last 2-3 weeks of high school were nothing short of torturous. I cried all the time, even while sitting in class. Making matters worse, he was in almost all of my classes, yet even while I was carrying part of him inside of me, I was suddenly treated like a stranger by him. He'd even immediately started dating a girl from a different school...very pretty, fun, carefree, thin, and most certainly NOT pregnant. Again, I was so alone. To this day, I don't know how I got through those weeks, finals, ect.

Graduation. I remember feeling so sad, so heavy with loneliness and despair. I can't look at pictures of that day without being struck by the fact that I was actually carrying a baby at the time and also carrying a burden on my shoulders like I'd never known in my short life. I am amazed that I survived it. My memories of that day are literally dim, like the auditorium lights were turned down too low, the darkness that consumed me was that overpowering.

It wasn't until a week after graduation that I finally found the nerve to call and make an appointment for the abortion. I remember that I did it from a friends house, since it was a long distance call and I didn't want my mom to see it on the bill and then know I was pregnant. I let the ex-boyfriend know the date (he'd be driving me) and the cost (he'd split it with me...I used my graduation money to pay my half, a thought that oddly stands out to me and breaks my heart) and then, finally, the day came. I believe it was June 22, 1990.

I drove early that morning to pick up the ex. I knocked and knocked on his door...turns out he wasn't even awake. Ugh. Honestly, I have the hardest time forgiving that, of all things. He didn't even care enough to wake up on time. We drove to the appointment at a clinic about an hour from our hometown. There were protesters outside the building carrying signs...and that was beyond devastating to me. Instead of changing my mind in any way, they only made me feel more condemned, more small, more alone. The protesters screamed at me as I made my way inside. I just wanted to die.

There are parts of the day that are strongly ingrained into my brain in a way I can't explain. The waiting room was sadly very full. The nurse being so nice, holding my hand and listening to me cry and babble the whole time I lay on the table. The doctor, who was simply awful. He honestly couldn't have been worse if he'd tried. Literally half way through the 'procedure' he stopped everything to make sure I'd paid the higher tier fee. (You see, I was pretty far along and no one had realized how far until that point...apparently there was a higher fee the further along in your pregnancy you are. I'd already paid the higher fee but it wasn't until after he confirmed that fact that he continued.) That part of the day still makes my blood run cold. There are no words to describe that moment. Realizing I was that far along, but knowing it was far too late to stop. And this man, this so called doctor, was only worried I hadn't paid enough money. It takes my breath away.

At one point as I was lying there, it occurred to me that my baby was a boy. Perhaps someone in the room mentioned it, I honestly don't remember. But I was sure of it, all of a sudden. I still believe it to this day.

I distinctly remember the terrible, awful sounds. The intense pain. The absolute terror I felt. I remember these things as vividly as if I'd filmed them. Please, please know that it is NOT a gentle process. It is violent and loud and soul-crushing. It is every bit as awful as you think it is, and then much more.

It seemed like it took a very long time. Time stood still. And then suddenly it was over.

Afterward, I lay in a recliner in what they called a recovery room. What a joke, the word recovery. As if 30 minutes of rest in that chair was going to bring me back to normal after having my own child violently ripped from my womb. I remember feeling quite empty, both physically and emotionally. I recall that the girl lying next to me told me it was her third. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had put herself through this again and again and again. I remember it seemed like my brain was shouting: Just get me out of here. I. Must. Get. Away.

Finally they let me leave. I remember wondering if I would be able to walk. I even remember walking through the parking lot to leave. It felt like I was watching myself, kind of an out of body experience. Something inside of me was broken. The feeling scared me.

Driving home, there was silence in the car, except for my cries. I was looking out the window, sobbing uncontrollably. I literally cried the whole hour home. He had nothing to say.

My life that summer was a horrible jumble of emotions...until one day there were none at all. Believe it or not, I actually had two other major life traumas happening that summer on top of the abortion (perhaps another post...it was truly a bad summer) and I think I just became numb to all of it out of necessity. It was either that or completely lose my mind. Thoughts of my child and the abortion were pushed completely from my brain. For awhile, that is.

A couple of years later, there was a song called 'Tears of Heaven' on the radio. The very first time I heard it, it brought thoughts of that child back to me, and completely I lost it. I'd cry each and every time that stupid song came on the radio...and it was pretty often, let me tell you. This was perhaps the first time my numbness began to crack and I began to truly grieve. (To this day, I have to turn off the radio if that song comes on or I begin to cry.) I had finally started to work through the whole ordeal...but then it became too hard and I started drinking heavily and doing drugs for the next couple of years. Avoidance reared it's ugly head once again. There's a lot I could tell you from these years, but I'll just skip ahead to the healing.

Thankfully, I found God in 1996 and He helped me start to truly recover. He has forgiven me and convinced me that there IS no sin big enough to separate me from His love. That is so huge, you guys! NO SIN is too big. Am I completely set free from the effects of my abortion? Truthfully, no. Not yet. But I have hope that with God's help, there will be a day when I can answer yes to that question.

To anyone who reads this who is pregnant and is thinking of having an abortion: Listen to someone who knows. Abortion isn't the easy out they preach it to be. It is not going to solve a problem or fix your life. It is ugly, soul shattering, and unbelievably hard, and in the end it just replaces what you see to be one problem with a lifetime of other problems. Self hatred. Loathing. Shame. Fear. Loneliness. Terror. Grief. Regret as deep as you'll ever know. It isn't fixing anything, it's messing something inside of you up in a way that you'll not understand for quite some time. Please, do something for me. Put your hand on your heart for a minute and feel your heartbeat. Seriously. Do you feel it? Now, PLEASE, take a minute to consider that your baby (and it is a baby, make no mistake) also feels your heartbeat right now, this minute. He is being comforted by it...already being nurtured by you! No one else in your life is as close to you as that child is right now. That is a gift, a treasure, a blessing. Please, don't throw it away. Abortion is NOT the easy road, on the contrary, it is exceedingly hard.

To those who have already had an abortion and are struggling: Nothing or no one will truly heal you but God. Truly, self-inflicted pain and loss may be the hardest to overcome, because the hate and anger you feel is all internalized. There is no one else to lash out against...and the guilt and shame are overwhelming. BUT. God's love truly covers all. He wants to be the one to comfort you, to fill the hole that seems likely to swallow you, to hold you when you feel like no one else will. He doesn't hate you and His forgiveness is unconditional. Please, even the simplest of prayers can connect you to the God of great forgiveness and love. Just give Him a chance, that is all I ask.

Now, to the rest of you...I ask that you not only focus on the babies who are being aborted, but on the mothers as well. Perhaps some of them do go into it casually and come out the other end unscathed, but for the most part these ladies are the walking wounded, casualties of their own decisions, perhaps decisions they already wished they could take back before they even get off of that table. Don't hate them, judge them, or shame them...just love them. Minister to them the love of God, truly the only thing that will heal them. Give them a shoulder to cry on or just be an ear to listen. Above all, remember that these women are not the enemy. The enemy we are to fight is far, far worse. 'For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.' The real fight isn't won using protest signs and shouts of condemnation outside of an abortion clinic, the real fight is won with many prayers and supplications while we are down on our knees.

I know that this post was long and probably a bit disturbing, but I pray that someone will be changed by my story, perhaps someone will choose life for their child, or if it's too late for that, reach out and find forgiveness and new life with God. At any rate, let's all pray this week against the real enemy of life, the devil and the evil forces in this world who are working in ways we can not see and can only imagine. God is stronger...but we must pray.

This post has taken me literally over four hours to write. I am petrified to hit post and I don't even know for sure if I'll be brave enough to leave it up once I do...but if you are reading this, I do hope it has accomplished it's purpose.

Worked out again....and some deep thoughts ;-)

Three days in a row!! I am so tickled to be back into that working out mindset again. Honestly, it is ALL a battle of the mind, isn't it? I'm finding most things in life are, actually, and those are the hardest battles for me to fight...but I'm still pressing on.

Eating is still pretty much hit or miss. I'm not beating myself up about it (well, mostly) because I know it's just a matter of re-focusing and re-stocking the house with GOOD stuff again. We've gotten into a really bad habit of keeping junk food in the house again...and that HAS to stop. If it's here, I'll eat it, end of story. I don't agree with some of the bloggers I read who keep their pantry stocked with junk food 'for the kids' and then vow to themselves they won't touch it.

Number one, your kids don't need that junk food any more than you do. Occasionally, sure. I don't believe in calling anything completely off limits, but keeping cookies, chips, ice cream, ect. constantly in the house is not good for anyone, much less kids who are forming life long habits now. Oh, and number two? You will eventually cave and eat it. You and I both know that it's going to happen. Stop living in denial already! :)

Switching subjects:

I've watched a couple of episodes of Intervention today and I have some thoughts. First, there was an episode where they did an intervention for two sisters with anorexia and I started thinking about why it is that it's acceptable to step in and tell people they're too thin...but not when they are getting too fat. It is not 'PC' to do that, right? But honestly, isn't it just as unhealthy to be overweight than it is to be underweight, if not more so?

Second, I am far too judgmental! Wow, I am so quick to want to yell at the people to just quit drinking and/or doing drugs already...but in my own life I want everyone to cut me some slack. Hmmm. Wanting others to change is easy, but actually changing myself? So hard.

At any rate, I'm trying to change ME right now, because really? I'm the only thing in this world I can control...so why not at least try?

Have a great weekend!

Tired

So, I did a workout yesterday, finally, and I feel better already! I'm all dressed in my workout clothes for today so I have high hopes for two days in a row, although I haven't decided yet if I'll workout before lunch or in the late afternoon. Most likely late afternoon, since it helps me resist the snack attack that usually plagues me around that time everyday!

Hopefully I am still functional by then, though. I didn't get much sleep last night, courtesy of a 2am panic attack. Ugh. How I wish I could change this part of my life! I woke up to use the restroom (I usually do this multiple times each night...aging is just not convenient in so many ways!) and noticed a light on in my daughter's room. Turns out she was having stomach pains...which totally brings out the phobic side of me. (I have a strong phobia when it comes to vomit-related events, in case you aren't in the know of that lovely character perk that I struggle with constantly.)

Anyway, just a mere mention of stomach-aches, especially in the middle of the night, which for me is the most vulnerable time for the anxiety, puts me right over the edge. So...last night I am in bed, freaking out, literally shaking, for hours. Actually the shaking only lasted probably the first hour or two, but the panic lasts for much longer. After watching a few episodes of House and CSI on the tivo (how I try and distract myself) I finally got back to sleep around sunrise, and then slept till 9:30, not enough time to feel rested, that's for sure!

Of course, the kiddo is just fine, which I am so thankful for, but I hate that something so small and common can put me right over the edge like that. I am so over this mental issue thing.

My laptop is officially dead now, which stinks. Right now I'm using my daughter's computer...thankful we have a spare! Hubby is going to try to operate on my computer this weekend...keeping my fingers crossed. He is usually pretty good at do-it-yourself stuff, but occasionally, well, he isn't. So we'll see. ;)

I'm hoping to get some school work accomplished today, so I'd better move along! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

**Updated to add: I just finished my second workout in a row! I'm on a roll, people...

Trying to come up with something to talk about over here!

I want to be a better blogger. I really do! I am trying to post more often in 2011...but honestly, I so rarely leave the house anymore, so what's there to talk about?

Hmmmm. Well, the following things are on my mind right now:
*The dishes are done, so there's that.
*The laundry is down to one load the washer and one in the dryer...but they've been hanging out there since yesterday. Oops. Really bad habit of mine, leaving it for the next day and then 'forgetting' it long enough to require a re-washing!
*The kitchen table is full of school stuff. Sometimes it stays that way till Friday afternoon, but most days we clean it off at the end of each day. This week, it's staying messy. I'm just giving in to the lazy.
*The kiddo is feeling a bit better.
*The dog needs a bath.
*I still haven't worked out this year. I am in dire need of a box of hair color and some new moisturizer. And a haircut. I am basically a hot mess right now.

Riveting, no?

So, speaking of the kiddo...she literally slept till noon today. I gave her Nyquil before bed around 9:30, and we didn't hear a peep from her until noon. It went on for so long that I honestly got a bit freaked out, thinking maybe the Nyquil put her in a coma or worse. I actually texted my husband in tears at 11:30. (Yes, I overreacted. That is what I do...I overreact.)

Anyway, she lives and she even has her appetite back, so yay! She still has a terrible cough/headache/stuffy nose thing going on, but she is back to laughing and joking so I can relax a bit. I'm still not pushing schoolwork very much, so next week is going to be a bear, trying to catch up!

As for me, I am currently in my workout clothes, shoes and all. The plan is to get on the treadmill at 4:30, which is coming quicker than I'm ready for! I am bound and determined to at least WALK for 30 minutes today! Doggone it, it is just so hard to get back into a habit of working out again, but I so need to do it. I was looking at some old pics of when I was working out everyday and dieting...I was 15 pounds heavier in the pics but I looked much thinner because I was so toned. That is just wrong. SO, time to get serious about this thing!

Okay, so I'm out of stuff to talk about today. Going to go get on the treadmill (oh yes, I will!) and then hop in the shower, finish that pesky laundry before I have to re-wash it, and then make some yummy chicken stir-fry for dinner! Hope you are all having great days out there!

It's a sick day around here

Starting off with a random observation: It makes me sad that there are so many moms both on their blogs and on facebook the past few days bemoaning the fact that they are stuck at home when their kids due to a school snow day. I don't get it. I love, love, love spending time with my daughter! Yes, it was a bit tedious back in the days of playing Barbies and watching Dora, but still. To dread a day with your own child is a thought very foreign to me.

On that note, my daughter isn't feeling well at all today, sick with a cold/flu thing. I hate these days! We didn't even attempt to do any school work, and my house work has sadly suffered today as well. Truthfully there's no good reason that I can't go do a load of laundry, but I'm trying to keep the house as still and quiet as I can so that she can rest.

(That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Well, I'm off to ignore more chores, attend to my child, and generally be lazy today...

2011...only ten days late

Still breathing. The holidays are always very, very hard for me mentally, and this year was among the worst I've ever experienced. Truthfully, the anxiety and stress kinda took the wind out of my sails...thus the blog silence. (Also, I am having major laptop malfunctions and that is not helping!)

I am thankfully not struggling as much right now, actually since Jan 2nd I've been doing better, but I must confess that my diet/exercising is still DREADFUL. Seriously. No exercise at all yet this year, and I've been eating junk nonstop. My first of the year weigh-in was 122, but if I'm completely honest...that was after skipping dinner on New Years Eve due to a major panic attack. I am currently up two pounds from that number. Most deservedly, I must say.

As for my other goals, they are actually in better shape. I've been doing myself up (dressing nicely, makeup and hair done) on most days, I'm studying the Bible again...both nightly with my husband and in a new ladies Bible study at church, I've been staying off the computer more, and I'm maintaining a sense of peace in my relationships. All in all, not too shabby considering how close to a nervous breakdown I was ten days ago! :)

So, did I make any resolutions this year? I didn't really, but I suppose when you get right down to it I do have a few. I'm still trying to drop 5-10 more pounds and tone up. I'm still trying to make sure I'm looking nice and acting nice each day. I'm still seeking God and His will in my life. I'm forever attempting to be a better wife and mother. I'm hoping that 2011 brings me the peace and joy that I'm forever striving to find.

I guess you could say that I'm resolving to be a better person as the year progresses...is that enough of a resolution for you? :)

I'd love to hear your resolutions, if you have any!

Sad little update for ya...

I know that I said I'd update on some things I've been working on...so here goes.

Diet/exercise: So-so. I've been hitting the treadmill again, not everyday but around 3 times a week. The diet is not great...Christmas cookies, cherry cordials, that sort of thing. I know that the next two weeks will be hard, but hoping the first of the year brings renewed willpower and perhaps another few pounds off the scale in 2011.

Appearance: Last week was stellar. I was dressed nice with hair and makeup done almost everyday. This week, not so much. Slack city. I've been super-unnaturally fatigued this past week (my period wrapping up...could this be post-menstrual somehow?) and I've been slacking on a LOT of stuff, including looking nice. So, yeah. Fail this week on this one.

Relationships: Well, mostly okay on this one. I'm still struggling to find my peace in God and not in circumstances and people, and until I can manage to get there I will still struggle in my relationships. I have GOT to stop letting my unmet expectations dictate my attitudes and take my joy. Work in progress. I'm calling this one a fail, even though outwardly I am doing a bit better, inwardly I'm still a big ole mess.

Spiritually: Biggest fail of all. UGH. I am not even trying at this point...again. Why do I do this?! Not reading, barely praying, ignoring God on purpose almost. I know it all comes down to my lack of trust that He really has my back. Not sure how to develop trust where there isn't any. When will I get it through my head that all these other things will be easier if I can get this one right? Fail, fail, fail.

Living my life: Fail, again. Wow, this post is pathetic. I'm on the computer FAR too much again. Letting that fatigue get the best of me and not getting out of the house much. Letting fear have far too much control of me and almost shutting me down completely. Wishing I could just skip Christmas this year. So yeah, fail.

Sorry that I'm not here with great reports of my life turning around...perhaps next time. Right now, I am just treading water. I have such a hard time with the Christmas season and it's manifesting in pretty much every area of my life right now. So for now, I'm surviving minute to minute and hoping this feeling lifts with the new year.

Hard sacrifices (are there any other kind?)

I'm back from my non-internet weekend and it went pretty well. I didn't cheat one time, and I got lots of reading done with the free time I had. The reading was nothing short of me-changing and it pretty much messed me up. In a good way. Kind of.

The book? It is Radical by David Platt. It is all kinds of amazing and eye opening and humbling and I could just go on and on. It has completely (and I do mean completely) changed the way I see both my relationship with God and my relationship with the world, and I'm only halfway through with it! I am realizing that I have been so, so wrong in how I view what being a Christian should be, at least for ME, and now I'm wondering how to actually put what I'm reading into practice, which is always where I tend to disconnect with a great truth.

NOT THIS TIME, I am praying. I can't this time.

So anyway, there's that. There WILL be more on this book later, I'm sure. :)

I got a couple of private emails and comments about my relationship rut so I wanted to try and clarify a bit without too many details, if possible. Let me start by saying that it is referring to my relationship with my husband, so there are more layers to this problem than what's on the surface. This is a covenant relationship and that is different. More complicated. Spiritual, even.

I also want to say that he is honestly a good man who is not being unfaithful or abusive in any way. That needs to be clear. I also need to say I truly do love him and that my vows were not only to my husband but to God, so I have to find a way to hold up my end of this covenant in a Biblical way. I'm finding more and more during my studies on this subject that my flesh/emotional responses are OFTEN the opposite of what God would have me do, so I am trying very hard to follow God right now, regardless of how weak and pathetic it makes me look or feel.

It all kinda comes down to this: If my desires/needs/dreams are not being addressed in the ways I'd like them to be (or addressed at all) but my bringing this up to my husband only brings increasing strife and pressure on our marriage (no matter how delicately I try to broach the subject) what more can I do?

Of course, I should also add that the problems don't lie only with my husband, God knows I am a freaking mess, but being that I am only one half of the problem means that I can't accomplish true peace/unity if the other half won't cooperate. Additionally, the more I try to bring the issues to the surface (and believe me, I HAVE tried for years) the more distress I place onto my marriage, and I'm convinced if I don't drop things that I may very well lose my marriage. I can truly see the damage being done.

So, I guess the better way to say it isn't that I'm totally GIVING UP those desires/needs/dreams, but giving them over to God. I have to be willing for those desires/needs/dreams to come second to my marriage vows. I don't see any other way, at least right now. Any other option (leaving him, being a nag, sowing more strife, ect) would be a sin on my part.

Trust me when I say that this is one of the hardest exercises in sacrifice I have ever gone through! I want to stand up and scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!" It all just seems so unfair. However, I am starting to see that often what seems unfair to us humans is sometimes just simply God's way of refining us. And you know what? If giving up these things ultimately brings me closer to God and His will for my life, even if it temporarily makes my life harder, well, it will be worth it.

After all, being a Christian should mean it isn't all about me getting MY will in this life anymore, but HIS will being accomplished through me and my circumstances WHATEVER they may be, and wow is this teaching me that it is much harder in practice than it is in theory!

No, this is not perfect or even close to ideal. No one knows this more than I do, believe me. I'm trying to let go of perfect and just focus on God, trusting that He has my back on this one.

So, there's a bit more explanation for you. I know it's vague and I HATE when blogs do that but in this case I have to do it this way out of respect to my husband. I also know that some of you may disagree with what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but I truly feel that I'm doing what God is asking of me during this season.

Updates on the other 'ruts' will be coming soon!

My many ruts and trying to find my way out of them

Have you ever found yourself in a rut in a certain area of your life? I think we probably all have at one point or another, right? Well, what about being in a rut in pretty much every area of your life all at the same time? Yeah. That's a bit more problematic...and it's kinda where I've found myself lately.

In a rut with my diet/exercise plan, obviously.

In a rut with my closest relationships.

In a rut with my personal appearance.

In a rut spiritually. (This one is making all the others that much worse.)

In a rut emotionally.

In a 'life' rut...spending too much time avoiding life and not enough time living it. Just killing time.

There are probably more that I could come up with given more time, but that's enough to paint you all a picture of where I am right now. They say that admitting there is a problem is the first step in fixing it, right? Well, I have a problem. Thankfully though, I'm starting to make baby steps in trying to get back on track at least a little bit in each of these areas.

Diet/exercise: Trying to make better choices, one choice at a time. For example, last night I wanted a big bowl of cereal at bedtime, but instead of giving in like I've been doing far too often recently, I made air popped popcorn instead. +1 for me. Today I came THIS close to getting a Wendy's hamburger and fries, but I was a good girl and had Subway instead. +1 again. Trying to get more water during the day and using tricks like chewing gum to avoid mindless snacking. +2.

(I plan on trying to add in exercise again next week.)

Relationships: This one is much trickier, as it requires cooperation from other people in order to make any sort of decent progress. For now, I am just feeling my way around each day, trying to do my part. Most days I fail miserably, but some days I almost succeed. Honestly, I could fill a book with all of the details and complications in this category, but for now I won't. Let's just say I'm learning to sacrifice my needs, dreams, and wishes for the greater good of peace, and it is exceedingly difficult.

(I'm considering sharing more of my relationship struggles here, but I'm trying to decide if I can do it without a bashing or complaining tone. We'll see.)

Personal appearance: Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but somewhere along the way I just stopped caring. My husband works very long hours and most days isn't home until I'm already showered and in my pj's...so why bother making myself look nice if he isn't even going to see me that way, right? Honestly, some days I don't even leave the house, and other days the most I'll end up doing is running to Walmart or the dollar store, so I just don't see the point of it all.

Well. I guess I underestimated the toll it would take on my self-esteem to always look dowdy, with no make up, hair pulled back, and sweatpants on everyday! Lately, I've honestly been feeling so ugly, so blah, so gross. So, this week I've made it a priority to actually put make-up on and do my hair each day. I've also dressed nicely most of the week, even on days no one saw me dressed but my daughter. It has already started making me feel more human again. I guess that's worth the 30 or so extra minutes of primping each day!

Spiritually: This one is huge. I have fallen so far away from God the last few weeks, you wouldn't even believe it. I have completely stopped trying to seek Him...no praying, no Bible study, no worship. I'm so far retreated into myself that I can no longer see HIM past ME and I hate it. So...I've started praying again, little prayers, but prayers nonetheless. I've decided to dedicate this weekend to trying to seek Him more...read some books, study the Bible, ect. Obviously, this will take more than a weekend to fix, but I have to start somewhere and hopefully it will snowball into a better relationship with God once again.

Emotionally: Ugh. Where do I even start? I guess my biggest weapon against this current emotional rut is to try to practice being thankful more for even the little things. Oh, and I've decided to try to fake being happy when necessary. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but really, I'm going to try it. What do I have to lose?

How I live my life: I spend a lot of time on the computer. Like, a lot. My daughter uses an online school and it requires me to sit in front of the computer for at least 5-6 hours a day for that, but even beyond that I am online for a few additional hours each day! It needs to be cut back, without a doubt. I MUST do this. I plan on starting this as soon as we're finished with school today, by limiting myself to only one hour online in the evening tonight, then offline all weekend (!). I'm actually a bit freaked about a total internet detox, but that alone tells me it's necessary.

So. I am in a rut, no -- in MANY ruts -- but I'm trying to dig my way out of them the best that I can. Any ideas in any of these areas are welcomed. (Just be nice!) Hopefully by this time next week I'll have some good reports to share. :)

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 125.8

I'm up a bit again, but truthfully I'm not surprised. I haven't been doing what I know I should be doing and eating crazy bad lately, so yeah. It is what it is.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Honestly, things in my personal life aren't great and I've kinda retreated into myself a bit. Hopefully I'll be back blogging again soon.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season. We have snow on the ground this morning, so it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...ready or not! (I'm not)