Choices

Well, I survived the long weekend, but barely. Ugh. Personal life issues abound right now, and it just puts everything else on the back burner. I'm so consumed with everything that is going on (not to mention the extreme anxiety that is accompanying it) that I do not care one iota about my weight. Just don't. If I'm up, I'm up. Whatever.

Have you been there?

The only thing that is remotely keeping me wanting to do this is the fact that it may very well be the ONLY thing in my life that I have any control over! If I'm fat, it's on ME. If I'm thin, it's up to ME. Nothing else in my life is that black and white, that concrete, and there is something amazing about that! So...I don't give up totally. For every bad food/exercise decision I'm making, there seems to be a corresponding good decision.

It's an odd combination of both giving up and not giving up at the same time.

You know what? Life can just be so hard. It really is that simple. I'm trying to give this all to God and learn to trust Him with it, but wow. SO HARD. But, I am aware of His presence throughout this ordeal from time to time, and I'm trying to focus on that. Just this morning in my Bible study I read this:

"Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him."

Wow. Again, it is up to me. Will I choose to let God work through what I am going through? Will I choose to trust Him? Will I believe there is a bigger picture? Will I believe that He can work all things out for my good?

I want to...and I'm trying. But again this morning as I prayed the words came once again: Lord, please help my unbelief. At least for right now, I am choosing to give Him the benefit of the doubt, as silly as that sounds, and I'm hoping that with time, the trust and faith and belief will come more easily. He isn't giving up on me, so I'm trying very hard not to give up on Him.

Heavy post, sorry. ;-)

Derailed

I was doing SO well this week. Honestly, I was firmly back into diet mode and feeling strong and determined. But then yesterday came, my birthday. Ugh.

Truly, I was having a horrible day, kinda not feeling well (I think I have a slight sinus infection) with lots of anxiety and an overall bad attitude...probably because I had a hefty dose of hormones thrown in the mix, but also because we're having a problem with our sewer line and have no extra money to fix it. My Mom called to wish me a happy birthday and I ended up sobbing to her for a good 10 minutes. Nice.

Then lunch time came around and Hubs was still home (working on the sewer line) and offered to buy me lunch. Instead of joyfully accepting his offer, I immediately had a panic attack. UGH. I couldn't decide what I wanted for lunch because then I would have to know what I wanted for dinner (don't ask) and what about my diet, I'm doing so well, oh no, what am I going to do...

Well. After about 5 minutes of that loveliness I finally just told him I'd pass on lunch out and just enjoy one of my microwave meals instead, which I did. Phew. (Honestly, I make the simplest things so hard!) Then, get this, I even did a workout later! On my birthday...a day when I'd usually say 'nah, take the day off' I actually decided to do one. That's big for me, folks. Good stuff.

So anyway, later on I take the kiddo to church (I skipped my Bible study to see Hubs for my bday, but honestly I wasn't in any shape to go anyway, I was still a bit of a hormonal, anxiety ridden mess) and I called to let Hubs know I'd like a pizza for dinner. And cheesy bread. Oh, and since I had no birthday cake, I'd also like some cinna-sticks. Please and thank you.

Here's the thing, at the time I put in the order to him, I fully intended to take it easy and only eat a bit of everything. A couple of slices of my veggie only pizza, a couple pieces of cheesy bread, and a couple of (really small) cinna-sticks. Not great, this I know, but not a complete diet disaster. I expected him around 7ish, so I didn't have my afternoon snack, which ended up being part of my undoing. The pizza for some reason took a really long time and he ended up not getting home till 8 and I was sooo freaking hungry by then!

I ate, and I ate, and I ate. A lot. I think I only had two slices of pizza (haha, it's a blur!) but I hit the cheesy bread and cinna-sticks HARD. And thus, my wonderful week of staying on track was ruined in about 30 minutes.

Okay, so I know that it isn't that big of a deal, why not have one cheat meal a week? And usually I'd say that I agree! However, I was saving that cheat meal until Saturday, when my Mom and sisters come up for my birthday and we're going to the Olive Garden for lunch and probably Panera for dessert. Oh well. Two cheat meals this week it is, I guess.

I'm just so determined to get back where I want to be by Spring. I am mad at myself for letting the weight creep back up again, doing all the things I know NOT to do, and I'm aware that if I don't take it seriously again, I'll end up gaining everything back. NOT an option. So, here I am trying to be honest with not only the good days, but the bad ones as well.

Oh, and on that note, guess what I just had for lunch as I was writing this post?? Leftovers from last night. Yep. Really now, what can I even say about that?

Feeling good

Well, Monday was pretty successful overall. Unless you count the half Reese heart I ate, or the Dove heart I ate. And I don't, since it was Valentines day and chocolate has no calories on Valentines day. Duh. ;-)

I did stay within my calorie range (although, probably on the high end) and I also did a workout, so I'm feeling pretty good! Today my left calf is bugging me a bit, so not sure if I'll workout. I've already decided to wait until this evening to decide and to give it time to relax a bit. In the meantime, I've decided to start doing random squats throughout my day to try and lift my hiney up a bit. I have a flat butt and wide hips and I'm going to try and rearrange things down there! I've already done 20 this morning and if I remember, I'd like to do 30 more as the day progresses. C'mon, butt. LIFT! :)

I tried scanning some old pics for you guys yesterday, but my scanner pooped out after only 3 pictures loaded and they were just old wedding pictures that don't show much...but how about I post one anyway, in honor of the day after Valentines day? Here ya go!




How cute were we? I was begging him to be good when he went to take off the garter belt, but of course he has to be cute and stuck his whole head up there. I have a pic of that, too, but my stupid scanner isn't cooperating. Hopefully I will have more pictures to show soon.

Well, it's a busy day of laundry and running my kiddo all over creation so I'm off to get started. Have a great Tuesday! :)

Motivation

You know what is a great motivator to get back to work losing weight? Looking at old pictures. It doesn't matter if they're old fat pictures or old thin pictures, they both make me want to do what I can to look good in pictures right now!

I have been looking through a bunch of old pics lately and wow. I was so thin, even when I thought I was so big! And oh how I wish there was also a way to bring the young back, too! Truly, the old saying is true...youth is wasted on the young. :)

As soon as I can figure out this scanner, I'll post some old pics for you all. In the meantime, a quick update: I'm on track with eating so far today, and mostly yesterday, too. Of course, this morning for Valentines Day Hubby gave me a stuffed animal holding a king sized package of heart-shaped Reese's cups...

Out of control

For some reason, I am really, really struggling. I am not just eating too much, I am kinda full-on binging. I don't know why. It could be hormonal, as I am midway through my cycle and that's a bad time for me, or it could be due to not sleeping well most nights for a really long time. Maybe I'm in a bit of a down cycle, or maybe it's just the long, super-snowy winter that's driving me to eat. Who knows. All I do know is, I am constantly hungry and I'm simply not fighting it all that much.

Sigh. I so wish I was a super-inspiring blogger that people visit because they always leave with good feelings and a drive to meet their goals. Instead, I am falling further and further into the danger zone of slack and gluttony and gaining my weight back, and I hate it...but apparently not enough to get my crap together.

Honestly? There was a moment earlier today (as I ate my third blueberry muffin of the day, after I'd eaten like 6 donut holes) when I had the thought that I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and if I get fat, whatever. Do. Not. Care.

So, yeah, that moment has passed now and I DO care again, but I feel out of control and unsure of how to turn this around again. I just feel so unbelievably tired and I'm really hungry and it is so hard to fight those two feelings combined! I definitely need to sleep better, there's just no way around that. I may have to start taking some Nyquil or something to help things along.

The good news is that I've been faithfully working out 3 or 4 times a week for the past 3 weeks now, so at least I have a hope of my metabolism revving back up again. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder, could the return to workouts be contributing to this huge hunger I've been feeling? Perhaps. I just wish I would start feeling some residual energy from the workouts as well!

And no, I haven't weighed myself at all since the first of the month. I just don't want to know! Sorry I'm such a non-inspiration right now. There is really nothing else to say.

No one likes me...

Can I be pathetic for a moment?

Tonight is my women's Bible study at church, and although I love the content, I totally dread going. Every single week, I have to pep-talk my way out the door...and honestly, even once I get there, I have to pep-talk my way inside of the church, down the hall, and through the door.

Why is this, you ask?

Because I have no friends there. None. And? No one really talks to me. It's weird, really. I sit there -- smile on my face -- and everyone acts like I'm not there. I say hello to my neighbor, she maybe says hi back but that's it. No conversation. Everyone chats up their own group of friends, and I am literally the only one alone and ignored.

Feeling so pathetic.

Seriously, what the heck? Why is it so stinking hard for me to make women friends? It has been this way for as long as I can remember, really. I have had a few good girlfriends in my life, even some really close best friends, but mostly I have always hung out with guys. Obviously, that all changed some 14 years ago when I met my husband and got married, and since then I have had very few girlfriends.

Here's the thing -- I am fun, people! Really, I am! I love to laugh, I am super-casual, I am kinda smart about a few things here and there, and I can even be clever from time to time...but for some odd reason, I can not seem to connect with women easily. Being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom does not help the cause, either. I generally have NOTHING to add to a casual conversation. Observe:

What did I do today? "Oh, three loads of laundry and three hours of excruciating 7th grade math, what about you?" See what I mean? YAWN city, baby.

Ah well, what can you do, right? I'll go tonight, smile a bunch, probably be ignored, but at least I can come home and hang out with my two best friends afterward. Hard to feel sorry for myself in the middle of a kiddo/hubby/mom 3-way hug. Betcha none of the other ladies at Bible study get one of those when they get home. :)

Getting in the way

I have a million things running through my mind today, so I thought I'd come on here and try to get at least a couple of them out and see if I can focus my thoughts a bit.

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Getting to sleep isn't that hard, but staying asleep is a whole other thing altogether. I generally wake up to use the restroom 2-3 times a night (getting older stinks, does it not?) and lately when I wake up for those visits my mind will start worrying and fretting and before you know it, I'm fully awake and pretty much freaking out over one thing or another. Worrying about the future, usually, and stewing about the present things that are out of my control.

So yeah, I know I'm supposed to give this all to God, and I think I'm trying to do that...but I suppose if I was really doing it, I'd be sleeping better at night, right? I just dwell too much on me and my utter lack of ability to do most anything right. Or on my husband and all the ways I feel like he constantly lets me down. On what I can see right now and all the ways my life is an absolute mess. On what I'm used to see happen in my life...being disappointed, struggling, ultimately failing. Basically, I'm focused on everything but God stepping in and having everything under His control.

It is most definitely a frustrating season in my life. I have very little under my own control right now, unless you count laundry and housework, which is lame. My life, in many ways, is just not my own right now, as odd as that sounds. It is absolutely torturous for a control freak to live this way, let me tell you! My frustration manifests often, usually as outbursts of anger, I'm sad to say. I lash out because I feel like things should be and could be better, but I have no way of actually making things better. I am at the mercy of others, and they are human and let me down.

One of my facebook friends posted this today:

"The Lord is My Rock, My Fortress, and My Deliverer; My God...In Whom I will Trust" Face it! Find God in It! Follow Him, and He will give you a better tomorrow.

A simple verse that I've known for a very long time, yet this morning it really resonated with me. What she added to the end: face it, find God in it...well, that's good stuff. Again, simple, but isn't it sometimes the simple things that manage to allude us? Somehow, I forget to add God into the equation of both my now and my future. He can make things different than what I see and what I've always known. He can, with one word, deliver me. He is everywhere I'll ever go, He is everywhere I've ever been. The key is...will I allow Him to be my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer? Or will I continue to try and deal with today (and tomorrow) on my own, depending on me, my husband, my circumstances?

Will I finally learn how to get out of God's way??

So, that's just one thing on my mind today. Thank goodness I'm still a work in progress! :)

Feeling cruddy

I'm a disaster lately, and frankly, it's getting on my nerves.

Now, I'm coming down with a cold/flu/sinus infection thing, and I'm miserable...therefore, I am eating and eating and eating. I only lost my appetite for like an hour or two last night, and then it came roaring back again. For whatever reason, I tend to eat MORE when I'm feeling ill, not less. Yesterday morning when I first started coming down with whatever this is, I got really fuzzy-headed and super-fatigued all of a sudden, and at first I thought at first my blood-sugar had dropped (it does that) so I started shoveling one food after another into my mouth for like two hours, trying to balance it out. Finally, I just couldn't eat anymore and realized that while it helped a little bit, I was still feeling pretty gross so I must be getting sick, not having blood sugar problems.

(Wish I had realized that BEFORE consuming probably more than a days worth of calories trying to feel better!)

I did force a workout yesterday but then I felt way worse afterward, so I'm thinking I won't push it again today. I do have to clean the house though, because my in-laws will be here tomorrow. I'm not going to do a complete deep-cleaning this time, but I do need to broom sweep and swiffer the hard floors, vacuum the rugs and carpets, and scrub the toilet. Blah, blah, and super-blah.

I'm officially starting to get worried about the weight I'm putting on. I am finally a bit more, um, regular again (ahem) and I also finished with my monthly...but I'm still eating too much and not dropping the numbers down like I'd hoped. Argh. However, I keep reminding myself that I am working out regularly again, and I suppose my metabolism will take a minute to rev back up. More than anything, I need to really crack down on the amount of junk food I allow into this house. Not just talk about it, actually stop buying it!

Hopefully this sickness will be short lived and I can start to wholeheartedly go after my goals once again. I will do this. There is no going back to where I used to be! Have a great weekend, all!

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 126.

Yep, I'm up. I knew I would be and I'm not in the least bit worried. Why? Because I know this isn't really what I weigh. I am starting my monthly today, which always put me up a pound or two, and I am STILL having serious digestive problems (as in, NOT going) since last THURSDAY! (I have gone a tiny little bit, but not even remotely near normal for days now...ugh. I am so uncomfortable!) So, I'm thinking that I'd also be up a bit from that, right?

That isn't to say I'm not up from lack of diet control and exercise, don't get me wrong, I'm sure that's part of it, too. But I'm shaving at least a pound off (in my head, that is) due to the two problems listed above, which puts me (mentally) at 125, and that is still in my 'management' zone. Needless to say, I've still got work to do, especially since I want to try and ultimately get down to 120 as my regular normal weight. So, I obviously need to keep up with the work outs (did one yesterday, but cramps may hinder one today, we'll see if they improve!) and I also need to try and continue watching my food intake. I'm hoping by my March weigh-in, I'll see 123 again and then start working on the new goal weight by summer. Totally do-able, I think.

So there it is! I hate (HATE!) admitting to being up that much (it's actually +3 from my goal weight) but it is what it is. Next month will be better! :)

Getting over the 'ewwww!'

The big news this week is that we have a monster storm heading our way! I have mixed feelings about it. Usually I am ALL about a good storm, but this one may cause power outages and that freaks me out. We would have no heat and no family in the area to take us in. Plus, yesterday I seriously stocked up the freezer/fridge WAY more than usual...before I knew they were calling for ice mixed in with the snow. I was freaking out last night at the thought of losing all the food we'd just bought, especially since replacing it would be a serious problem, but I'm really trying to leave my worries with God. So far, it is only kinda working. :)

Speaking of my failures as a Christian...

Does your church do the whole 'greet each other and shake hands' thing during service each week? Ours does. Usually, I'm able to squash my germaphobia and be pretty cool with it but yesterday...oh, yesterday.

See, right as service was starting I noticed the man in front of us wiping his nose. A lot. With his bare hand. Then, he kinda blew his nose. Into his bare hand. Then he wiped it's contents into his pocket. Immediately, I wanted to switch seats but it was pretty crowded in there and service had already started by then anyway. I kinda got a cold chill when I realized I'd soon have to shake that snot covered hand. Argh.

When the time finally came to do the hand-shaking, I decided to try and distract hubby and maybe it would make it possible for both of us to avoid the snot-hand. (I know, real Christian of me, huh?) Only, Hubs wasn't in on what I saw or my brilliant plan...so right away he turns to shake dude's hand. As does the kiddo. Me? Not so much. I kept my back to him and focused on the people behind me. (Who, for all I know, had far worse hands than the guy in front of me, but what you don't know can't hurt you, right?)

(I honestly did feel bad, you guys. I was thinking to myself afterward that Jesus touched the lepers, for goodness sake, how could I balk at touching a little snot?? I knew that I'd fallen pretty stinking short of following Him on this one!)

Anyway, I broke out the anti-bacterial gel and made sure we all lathered it on. Later in the car, kiddo mentioned that the guy in front of us kept grossing her out all service. I was all, "I know! Did you see him use his hand to blow his nose?!" and she was all, "EWWW! NO! But I saw him use it to pick ear jam out of his ear all stinking service!"

(I'd somehow missed this...must've been too focused on thinking about Jesus and the lepers!)

Needless to say, I broke out the gel again.

For some reason the whole thing has been on my mind off and on since then. It just bugs me how easily I cave in to weaknesses and end up following my flesh instead of following Jesus. I think next week I should deliberately seek this guy out and give him a big, fat hand-shake, and maybe spend a bit more time praying for God to help me better show His love to His people, despite my crazy hang-ups. ;)