Knocked down

I've had a horrible headache since Monday afternoon. It has knocked me on my butt and I've gotta tell you, it has completely and totally thrown me into a deep, dark, down cycle. Hard. If anyone would be willing...could you say a little prayer for me? Thank you so much.

Lifestyle choices

So yesterday was a full-on diet disaster. Allow me to walk you through it one bad decision at a time...

I started the day with donut-holes, had Taco Bell with a big cup of Pepsi for lunch, and then after a reasonable dinner (BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, salad) we went out for ice cream. Oh, and no I didn't get a small vanilla that would have been the moderate choice...instead I split a Reese cup blizzard thingy with the hubby. I can't begin to imagine the calories in that!

There was also the Cheese-its and Teddy Grahams I munched on in bed later. WHY??? I wasn't even a bit hungry.

Yikes. That's a lot of bad choices for one day!

Partially it's lifestyle stuff that has creeped in and become part of what I do, without thinking. We like to hit garage sales on summer Saturdays and we always grab a box of Timbits for breakfast. (Those are donut-holes from a coffee place called Tim Hortons...if you don't have them where you live, consider yourself lucky to be spared the temptation!) That is just a BAD lifestyle habit. The Taco Bell? Cheap and filling. For less than eight bucks my whole family gets fed and it's something we all enjoy. Eating cheap on the go is a necessary lifestyle adjustment to spare our tight budget, but I could choose a fresco style taco with a water on the side very easily. Just as cheap, but far fewer calories.

As for the ice cream, I've been much better lately about grabbing a McDonalds cone (only 150 cals) when I get the craving...but last night friends invited us to join them at a different ice cream place and so off we went. I wasn't even craving it, to be honest! (And yes, I could have, and SHOULD have, just talked and not ordered any, but I just felt awkward about it. Terribly lame.)

I have a lot of excuses, don't I? Bad ones, all around. There WAS a time when I made the hard decisions and stuck to my guns and lost weight every week. Obviously I CAN do it, but I'm choosing not to. It IS in my control. Each time I'm allowing my life to dictate my bad choices, I'm deliberately giving up control. WHY do I keep doing this??

The house has good food in it, as I finally went to the grocery Friday afternoon. I know from my past weight loss efforts that I can still eat out if I carefully choose what I can order. I am relatively healthy and able-bodied. I have NO real excuses, if I'm honest with you and with myself. Each bite of food that enters my mouth has to have my permission, and if I continue gaining weight, well, it is frankly on purpose. Oh, I don't want to gain weight, but not one pound goes onto my frame without my participation.

I have always been my worst enemy.

In so many ways.

So. I can decide to lose, or I can decide to gain. But make NO mistake, I decide.

Monthly weigh in

Weight this morning: 128

So, I decided to go back to weekly (Saturday) weigh-ins instead of monthly ones until I hit goal weight again. Seems silly to post a 'maintenance' weight every month when I am no longer maintaining! :)

I'm doing a bit better...starting to believe that I can do it. I bought a couple of good snack options (almonds, baby carrots) but I still haven't completely re-stocked the house with groceries for various reasons (weather too hot, hubs had grocery money, just not feeling it, ect) but I plan on doing it tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm glad to see I'm already headed in the right direction compared to where I was a few days ago (130) and I plan on getting where I need to get.

I'm trying to remind myself that it took me a pretty long time (almost 3 months!) to lose the last ten pounds the first go-around, so I need to stop expecting to lose 10 pounds in a week or two this time around. I've been feeling so much pressure to get back to goal weight each month for my blog weigh-in and frankly letting it derail me each time, so hopefully taking it weekly again and going for small losses, I'll mentally be back in the game.

Enjoying life in the wrong ways

I've been focusing more lately on making a deliberate effort to enjoy my life, mostly due to the fact that my very young step-sister-in-law is dying. She's not just dying, but she's dying a slow, agonizing, torturous death. She's spent the past year inside, away from the world, not able to eat or do much of anything at all. She has three daughters and is only one year older than I am.

So needless to say, it's been on my mind a lot lately. Not only her death, but on my life, and the fact that there are times when I don't really even try to enjoy it. Overall, this is a good thing to reflect on, mainly because it's caused me to step out lately and do things that I may not have without being purposely mindful of it...but it occurred to me today that it is also effecting me in bad ways.

Namely, my eating.

I have been more of the mindset lately to ENJOY my food, relax about what I eat, to just be in the moment...and as a result I am still gaining. I did a peek weigh-in this morning and I am at 130 again. Let me tell you, that just sucks. After maintaining for a year and a half, I am now officially completely off the rails! There is a part of me that feels completely capable of getting back into the groove and dropping ten pounds in no time, but there is also a part of me that just wants to stop thinking about it and enjoy my life (and food) for what it is.

Oh, I know. I could eat healthy and still enjoy life, right? I suppose so, but if I'm being totally honest...it feels like no. I'm serious! To ME (and me alone) enjoying my food means not worrying about what it is, how many calories, if it's too fatty or too salty, it's just enjoying the tastes and textures and indulging whenever I please. Cake, ice cream, chips, pizza, pasta, ooey-gooey mac and cheese...well, you know.

Yes, this is an extremely immature, childish way of looking at it. I am aware. I am also aware I could just make up my mind to enjoy these things in moderation, as I've done for the past two years. Yep. I could do it. And I should. But if I'm honest? I just DO. NOT. WANT. TO.

There is a lot more to me gaining weight than this enjoying food thing, by the way. I am in a bit of a down cycle and that makes me eat more, to be sure. I've also been feeling really yucky physically lately and that always drives me to eat (a weird, psychological quirk of mine) but this enjoying life thing is just what was on my mind today. Trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, even when it comes to my eating, and how it is really biting me on my (ever-expanding) butt.

My plan? Well, for one I need to reign in this child in me who is demanding cake and chips 24/7, to start! I am finally going to the grocery store tomorrow to re-stock on good stuff, and that is key. I'm hoping to force my lazy butt onto the treadmill most days next week, even if it's only for a wimpy walk. Up my water. Try to be more active during the day.

(Side note: I'm totally sucked into the Casey Anthony trial. It's streamed live online and it sucks me in every single day! Doesn't do much to encourage daytime activity, let me tell you!)

Sorry that I'm sucking so badly lately and my posts are pathetic, weak, and whiny. I want to be as honest as possible with you all, and it's just not always pretty, know what I mean? Hope you're all enjoying the holiday weekend! :)

On my mind

Just a couple of things on my mind today:

*Being a parent is HARD and getting harder with each passing year. Trying to balance consequences for behavior with my daughter's happiness is a never-ending internal battle for me! I was just so unhappy as a child, and because of that I tend to put too much emphasis on her happiness above all else. Now that she is getting older, I'm realizing that she needs discipline now more than ever, and quite frankly it stinks. How I miss the younger years, when everything was so much simpler!

*The upward trend of my weight continues. I can NOT seem to find my groove again no matter how much I determine to do so. I so need to restock the house with good choices and purge out the bad ones...and find a way to get rid of my constantly ravenous appetite!

*Today I was once again reminded that life, even with God in control, is always going to be a mixture of joy and pain. Always. Pain is not ever going to be out of the picture, and running from it, trying to avoid it, is not an option. God will walk me through the pain but He will not be a magical protection from it, no matter what any fancy tv preacher tries to pass off as truth.

Enough for now...more later. Hoping you're all safe from the storms that are already firing up across the country once again. They have to stop eventually, right??

Checking in

I have been trying to blog, really I have. I have a ton of drafts that haven't made the cut for various reasons, mostly because I'm afraid of sharing too much of my darkness here. Oh, I know I've shared a bit in the past, but I'm just feeling weird about it these days, for whatever reason.

Bullet points on me lately:

*Lonely. Sometimes it sucks not having any friends. At least, no friends within the 'Hey, let's go get a coffee' range.

*Hormonal. For more days per month than not. Literally, I get maybe a week's relief each month, and this month has been a particularly bad one.

*Undisciplined. Not exercising enough. Eating far too much. Not doing my Bible studies. Not staying on top of laundry. Blah, blah, blah.

*Stressed. About my daughter and her schooling future, mostly. We start 8th grade next year, and I'm at the point where I feel incapable of teaching her. Our school district is NOT acceptable. Looking into options is scary, because we have no clear feeling on which way to go from here. I spend WAY too much time worrying about this lately.

I could go on, but that's enough for now. I have so much I wish I could say (hence the many unpublished blog posts I've written!) but maybe it's all for another time. Hopefully the sun will come out soon (it has been raining almost non-stop here for the past two months...no kidding) and once that happens perhaps I'll bounce back!

I truly hope you are all doing well and having a wonderful spring...

Moving along...

So, I have kinda, sorta, in a way, partially pulled it together. A bit. :)

That sounds super wimpy, but it's all I've got right now so I'm hanging on with both hands to the little accomplishments. My biggest struggle these days seems to be portion control, and I'm still having a hard time with that. Last night I made chicken enchiladas for dinner, which sounds diet-bad but I make them relatively low-cal. I had a nice salad on the side and a reasonable portion of mexican rice. All in all, not too shabby...until I caved and had a second enchilada. And then half of a third. And a ton of chips and salsa.

SIGH.

But, I didn't eat anything after dinner, so there's a small victory. One thing I've decided is to give up jelly beans for the entire month of May. (Side note: I have become seriously addicted to Jelly Belly beans. Like, going to Anderson's to get a big bag of bulk Jelly Belly's at least once a week for the past few weeks, and then eating them all within 24 hours. It's a sad but delicious addiction that is NOT helping.)

So my husband thinks he's temporarily fixed the treadmill...at least good enough for me to use it without using the incline feature that I've been loving lately...so later today I'm going to do a nice run/walk. Just the thought of working out again gives me hope that I'll be able to jump back where I need to be soon. My goal for May is the same as it was for April, getting back under the magic number of 125 again...and then hopefully this summer I'll be able to finally reach my ultimate goal of 120, but we'll see. One thing at a time, Missy. One thing at a time. :)

Side note number two: getting back in the groove is so much harder than just living in the groove. Why can't I just stop being so stubborn and insisting on eating junk like a spoiled child? And why oh why must bad food taste sooooo good? WHY CAN'T BROCCOLI TASTE LIKE ICE CREAM?!?! We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make veggies chocolate flavored? ;-)

Weigh in day

128.2
Need I even say more?
Now you know why I have been avoiding the blog.
My treadmill is broken again and it will NOT stop raining. (Not making excuses...the gain is from eating junk, trust me. Just venting.)
UGH. I must get it together again, or I am in big trouble.

The week so far

It has been a very odd week around here, let me tell you. Spring break from school (which we are fully embracing, for once) and an oral surgery for my daughter have completely disrupted our regular schedule. It is both nice and oddly disconcerting, but I am trying desperately to just go with the flow.

Monday was a complete nothing day. The weather was terribly gray and rainy, so we had us a movie marathon day! I managed to do a few loads of laundry in between dvds, and that was that. :)

Tuesday was a bit nicer, although it still hasn't warmed up to spring level temperatures quite yet, so we decided to get out of the house. My daughter went to her weekly art class and then we decided to stock up on books and movies at the library for the inevitable days on the sofa that Wednesdays surgery would bring. We also spent some time at Panera for coffee and cocoa (and maybe a brownie to share), then we were off to TJ Maxx for Easter dress shopping. We did find one but after seeing it on her that evening with shoes, her daddy and I think it might just be on the short side. (She is all legs, that daughter of mine, and it makes most dresses seem so short!)

Wednesday morning was the surgery, which we decided earlier in the week should be called a 'procedure' because it is much less intimidating. Our princess has had braces for the past year and a half, and this surgery is part of that whole process, exposing and attaching chains to some teeth that need pulled forward. They didn't have to completely knock her out (although she'd have much preferred that, honestly!) but it was apparently quite the ordeal, with them almost having to rip apart the entire roof of her mouth! In the end, they sent her home with a mouthful of gauze and a prescription for Vicadin.

Poor baby was a mess for a few hours, but God blessed her with very little pain as the day progressed. We ended up only giving her Tylenol (I didn't want to drug my 12 year old on narcotics unless absolutely necessary!) and she did just fine. So far this morning, she hasn't even needed the Tylenol at all! She is a trooper, that's for sure. She's even eating lots of soft foods: mashed up peas, mashed up mac and cheese, yogurt, ice cream, scrambled eggs, and oatmeal. It does this mama's heart good to see her with a good appetite so soon!

And that brings us to today. So far, we are watching Anne of Green Gables (the kiddo just finished the book a couple of weeks ago and she loved it, just like her mama!) and lounging around in our pajamas. I will most likely get some housework accomplished at some point today, I am sure, but for now I am just taking it easy. I'm hoping that the kiddo is up for more by tomorrow, it is her spring break after all!

As for diet/exercising, well, lets avoid that subject, shall we? I'll just say that this week has been super stressful for this anxiety-prone mama (haha, understatement of the year!) and my eating has certainly reflected that, without a doubt! :)

At any rate, I hope that you are all having a wonderful week and at least some of you enjoying some wonderful spring weather!

Monthly weigh in

Weight this morning: 125.2

Okay, so the damage isn't quite as bad as I thought, but I still need to get back to healthier eating again. I've already started, doing pretty well for the past three days or so, and hopefully I can keep it up. There is just no excuse for eating all the junk that I've been letting myself eat ALL THE TIME. I can (and should) do better.

So there you have it. Happy April everyone! Maybe now spring will finally decide to show itself? :)