One step forward...a million steps back

Sigh. Warning to you all: this is an ugly, possibly even sacrilegious post. I'm trying to edit myself a bit, but even the edited version is pretty bad. Proceed at your own risk.

I'm glad I waited until today to write this, because frankly I was so upset last night I'd probably have posted gibberish and possibly even some words that would make you want to avert your eyes. However, waiting means that while my thoughts are (a bit) clearer, they've also been numbed and I'm not sure I'll be able to even post what's really on my mind. It feels like my thoughts are surrounded by a thick layer of cotton (thank you self-defense mechanism) and now I'm barely able to latch onto them to get them into words articulately.

Nothing major is wrong in my life, no worries there. Well, that's not exactly true, but compared to so many people, I'm doing just fine. No, the problem is with a few of the blogs I've read regularly for ages, tragedies I don't understand, and unanswered prayers. The one step forward a million steps back? That's me, spiritually speaking. I do NOT get God, and I'm lost. Simply lost.

It has been brewing in me for quite awhile, but exploded last night when I read of the loss of the12 year old son of a blogger I have read for ages. Always, death hurts worse when it's sudden and completely unexpected, and couple that with the fact that he was my daughters age and, well, I lose it totally. Very close to home, know what I mean? Last night when I read of the tragedy I literally sobbed off and on for hours and raged against God. I was devastated. Not because I knew him, I didn't. Never met his blogger mom either. No, I was devastated because I know that the family is Christian, in actions and not just words. I know they've probably prayed multitudes of times for their son's safety and protection. Yet, he died anyway. Drowned.

Why? Why were their prayers discarded, unanswered? Oh, I know the right words to say. God's plan. Sovereignty. Bigger picture. But still, it begs the question: why do we pray at all then?

What about the promises of answered prayer in the Bible? If God already has a set plan, what's the use asking Him for anything? Either it's in the plan or it isn't. We don't get a say, apparently.

And how do I ask God to heal a cold or help me make a decision, when I know He's letting little Ashley (another blog) suffer, despite the prayers of thousands? Other blogs I read: Emerson, Sara, Heather, Jonah, to name just a few...so many prayers being prayed for all of them, yet still so much suffering, unbelievable pain, and death. I know each of these people are being prayed over diligently by hundreds, if not thousands, yet they continue to suffer greatly...how do I find the faith within myself that somehow God is going to find ME worthy of answered prayer? How do I trust Him to save me from my afflictions, when He obviously isn't doing that for them?

Please understand, I know how this sounds and I know all the stock answers, but I just don't care right now, I just don't. I don't see God answering prayers, I just see Him letting everyone down. And you know what? If that's who He is, a God who is sovereign who has a plan for us that contains both good and bad, and that He is going to let that plan play out regardless of our pleading and petitions, that is fine. I can get my head around that. BUT. Don't you tell me that He answers prayers of faith and will change His plan accordingly. Because my eyes are telling me differently.

I am angry. SO very angry. So angry in fact that I just deleted a few paragraphs that would probably send any Christians reading this away from my blog forever. I'm just struggling here. I have always struggled with the bigger questions, even as a child, and apparently I always will. Because I'm always questioning, I've never found much faith within myself, to be honest, and I suppose that's why I'm so easily shaken when others aren't. I have also always had an unusually high level of empathy for other people and their situations, and some time ago I realized that's probably a character trait given to me by God, ironically. In situations like this, it almost destroys me. I can hardly breathe.

I can't pray like regular people. Oh, I talked to God last night, if that's what you want to call it. (I yelled at Him for the longest time. Thank goodness I was home alone!) But regular, everyday prayer is so difficult for me. I. DO. NOT. TRUST. GOD. There, I said it. I don't trust Him! How do I pray to Him?

Sorry to put all this yuck out there on you. I really am. I am just so disillusioned, so angry, so hurt. I want to be like other people who trust God through all things, but I am just not. I want to believe He hears and answers prayer, but I just don't right now. And frankly, I'm not sure what to do about any of it. Please know that I don't expect answers from you, I wouldn't put that responsibility onto anyone. Just trying to work through some bone-deep issues here, and it might get ugly. Please, look away if you want to. I wish I could.

Well hello there!

Yes, I am, in fact, alive! I have to admit, I'm not sure if I will continue blogging at this point, especially given the fact that I haven't really missed it after all these months of slacking. However, I decided to give it a go today and see if I end up jumping back in with both feet. If I don't, I promise I'll just let the blog die already. :)

So, what have I been up to the past few months? A whole lot of nothing, honestly! My daughter is turning 13 this month and frankly, her busy schedule has sidelined everything else around here. All summer I was basically her driver, taking her from one activity to the next, but the truth is that I was fine with that. I'm happy that she has so much to keep her busy and it was essentially a quiet, peaceful summer for me.

Then September hit and yikes, we are BOTH super-duper-crazy busy! Besides doing school for 5-6 hours a day we also have multiple church activities every week and multiple volleyball activities every week. We actually had to drop two of her regular school year activities (a homeschool art class and baton) to have a bit of breathing room, but they haven't really been missed so far. (Art was an easy drop since her regular class moved to the other side of town...thank goodness because otherwise we'd have kept it!)

On to my weight and fitness updates...

My weight is holding at 130 right now and that's where it was for most of the summer. That is up 7 pounds from my goal weight, but I'm not super upset about it. Most of my clothes still fit, although digging out my jeans for the sporadic colder temps was a rude awakening! Some of them are a bit snug, to be honest. Wearable, but snug. Here's the thing: I have not been watching my diet even slightly, and that is a problem that most certainly needs to be adjusted! My workouts have been okay over the summer (which is probably why I didn't gain 10 more pounds with all the junk I've been eating!) but the last week or two since we've started back to school they've been non-existent. Time to get back to work!

I'd say the biggest issue with me lately though has been my walk with God, or the lack thereof. I'm a mess spiritually, always have been really, but I've found myself very, very far from God lately. Just ignoring Him mostly, not doing Bible time or prayer time at all, except to give Him a piece of my mind occasionally. :) I'm determined to get back where I need to be, or at least closer to where I need to be. Hubby and I joined a small group at church and I'm also starting a ladies Bible study again this Wednesday (I think) and hopefully they'll both get me back on track. More on this later!

So, that's just an update on me. We'll see if this will be a 'back to blogging' post or end up a 'well, I'm over the blog, see ya' post with time. I'd love to hear updates on any blog friends who still read here (hello? still with me?) in the comments, if you're so inclined!

Knocked down

I've had a horrible headache since Monday afternoon. It has knocked me on my butt and I've gotta tell you, it has completely and totally thrown me into a deep, dark, down cycle. Hard. If anyone would be willing...could you say a little prayer for me? Thank you so much.

Lifestyle choices

So yesterday was a full-on diet disaster. Allow me to walk you through it one bad decision at a time...

I started the day with donut-holes, had Taco Bell with a big cup of Pepsi for lunch, and then after a reasonable dinner (BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, salad) we went out for ice cream. Oh, and no I didn't get a small vanilla that would have been the moderate choice...instead I split a Reese cup blizzard thingy with the hubby. I can't begin to imagine the calories in that!

There was also the Cheese-its and Teddy Grahams I munched on in bed later. WHY??? I wasn't even a bit hungry.

Yikes. That's a lot of bad choices for one day!

Partially it's lifestyle stuff that has creeped in and become part of what I do, without thinking. We like to hit garage sales on summer Saturdays and we always grab a box of Timbits for breakfast. (Those are donut-holes from a coffee place called Tim Hortons...if you don't have them where you live, consider yourself lucky to be spared the temptation!) That is just a BAD lifestyle habit. The Taco Bell? Cheap and filling. For less than eight bucks my whole family gets fed and it's something we all enjoy. Eating cheap on the go is a necessary lifestyle adjustment to spare our tight budget, but I could choose a fresco style taco with a water on the side very easily. Just as cheap, but far fewer calories.

As for the ice cream, I've been much better lately about grabbing a McDonalds cone (only 150 cals) when I get the craving...but last night friends invited us to join them at a different ice cream place and so off we went. I wasn't even craving it, to be honest! (And yes, I could have, and SHOULD have, just talked and not ordered any, but I just felt awkward about it. Terribly lame.)

I have a lot of excuses, don't I? Bad ones, all around. There WAS a time when I made the hard decisions and stuck to my guns and lost weight every week. Obviously I CAN do it, but I'm choosing not to. It IS in my control. Each time I'm allowing my life to dictate my bad choices, I'm deliberately giving up control. WHY do I keep doing this??

The house has good food in it, as I finally went to the grocery Friday afternoon. I know from my past weight loss efforts that I can still eat out if I carefully choose what I can order. I am relatively healthy and able-bodied. I have NO real excuses, if I'm honest with you and with myself. Each bite of food that enters my mouth has to have my permission, and if I continue gaining weight, well, it is frankly on purpose. Oh, I don't want to gain weight, but not one pound goes onto my frame without my participation.

I have always been my worst enemy.

In so many ways.

So. I can decide to lose, or I can decide to gain. But make NO mistake, I decide.

Monthly weigh in

Weight this morning: 128

So, I decided to go back to weekly (Saturday) weigh-ins instead of monthly ones until I hit goal weight again. Seems silly to post a 'maintenance' weight every month when I am no longer maintaining! :)

I'm doing a bit better...starting to believe that I can do it. I bought a couple of good snack options (almonds, baby carrots) but I still haven't completely re-stocked the house with groceries for various reasons (weather too hot, hubs had grocery money, just not feeling it, ect) but I plan on doing it tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm glad to see I'm already headed in the right direction compared to where I was a few days ago (130) and I plan on getting where I need to get.

I'm trying to remind myself that it took me a pretty long time (almost 3 months!) to lose the last ten pounds the first go-around, so I need to stop expecting to lose 10 pounds in a week or two this time around. I've been feeling so much pressure to get back to goal weight each month for my blog weigh-in and frankly letting it derail me each time, so hopefully taking it weekly again and going for small losses, I'll mentally be back in the game.

Enjoying life in the wrong ways

I've been focusing more lately on making a deliberate effort to enjoy my life, mostly due to the fact that my very young step-sister-in-law is dying. She's not just dying, but she's dying a slow, agonizing, torturous death. She's spent the past year inside, away from the world, not able to eat or do much of anything at all. She has three daughters and is only one year older than I am.

So needless to say, it's been on my mind a lot lately. Not only her death, but on my life, and the fact that there are times when I don't really even try to enjoy it. Overall, this is a good thing to reflect on, mainly because it's caused me to step out lately and do things that I may not have without being purposely mindful of it...but it occurred to me today that it is also effecting me in bad ways.

Namely, my eating.

I have been more of the mindset lately to ENJOY my food, relax about what I eat, to just be in the moment...and as a result I am still gaining. I did a peek weigh-in this morning and I am at 130 again. Let me tell you, that just sucks. After maintaining for a year and a half, I am now officially completely off the rails! There is a part of me that feels completely capable of getting back into the groove and dropping ten pounds in no time, but there is also a part of me that just wants to stop thinking about it and enjoy my life (and food) for what it is.

Oh, I know. I could eat healthy and still enjoy life, right? I suppose so, but if I'm being totally honest...it feels like no. I'm serious! To ME (and me alone) enjoying my food means not worrying about what it is, how many calories, if it's too fatty or too salty, it's just enjoying the tastes and textures and indulging whenever I please. Cake, ice cream, chips, pizza, pasta, ooey-gooey mac and cheese...well, you know.

Yes, this is an extremely immature, childish way of looking at it. I am aware. I am also aware I could just make up my mind to enjoy these things in moderation, as I've done for the past two years. Yep. I could do it. And I should. But if I'm honest? I just DO. NOT. WANT. TO.

There is a lot more to me gaining weight than this enjoying food thing, by the way. I am in a bit of a down cycle and that makes me eat more, to be sure. I've also been feeling really yucky physically lately and that always drives me to eat (a weird, psychological quirk of mine) but this enjoying life thing is just what was on my mind today. Trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, even when it comes to my eating, and how it is really biting me on my (ever-expanding) butt.

My plan? Well, for one I need to reign in this child in me who is demanding cake and chips 24/7, to start! I am finally going to the grocery store tomorrow to re-stock on good stuff, and that is key. I'm hoping to force my lazy butt onto the treadmill most days next week, even if it's only for a wimpy walk. Up my water. Try to be more active during the day.

(Side note: I'm totally sucked into the Casey Anthony trial. It's streamed live online and it sucks me in every single day! Doesn't do much to encourage daytime activity, let me tell you!)

Sorry that I'm sucking so badly lately and my posts are pathetic, weak, and whiny. I want to be as honest as possible with you all, and it's just not always pretty, know what I mean? Hope you're all enjoying the holiday weekend! :)

On my mind

Just a couple of things on my mind today:

*Being a parent is HARD and getting harder with each passing year. Trying to balance consequences for behavior with my daughter's happiness is a never-ending internal battle for me! I was just so unhappy as a child, and because of that I tend to put too much emphasis on her happiness above all else. Now that she is getting older, I'm realizing that she needs discipline now more than ever, and quite frankly it stinks. How I miss the younger years, when everything was so much simpler!

*The upward trend of my weight continues. I can NOT seem to find my groove again no matter how much I determine to do so. I so need to restock the house with good choices and purge out the bad ones...and find a way to get rid of my constantly ravenous appetite!

*Today I was once again reminded that life, even with God in control, is always going to be a mixture of joy and pain. Always. Pain is not ever going to be out of the picture, and running from it, trying to avoid it, is not an option. God will walk me through the pain but He will not be a magical protection from it, no matter what any fancy tv preacher tries to pass off as truth.

Enough for now...more later. Hoping you're all safe from the storms that are already firing up across the country once again. They have to stop eventually, right??

Checking in

I have been trying to blog, really I have. I have a ton of drafts that haven't made the cut for various reasons, mostly because I'm afraid of sharing too much of my darkness here. Oh, I know I've shared a bit in the past, but I'm just feeling weird about it these days, for whatever reason.

Bullet points on me lately:

*Lonely. Sometimes it sucks not having any friends. At least, no friends within the 'Hey, let's go get a coffee' range.

*Hormonal. For more days per month than not. Literally, I get maybe a week's relief each month, and this month has been a particularly bad one.

*Undisciplined. Not exercising enough. Eating far too much. Not doing my Bible studies. Not staying on top of laundry. Blah, blah, blah.

*Stressed. About my daughter and her schooling future, mostly. We start 8th grade next year, and I'm at the point where I feel incapable of teaching her. Our school district is NOT acceptable. Looking into options is scary, because we have no clear feeling on which way to go from here. I spend WAY too much time worrying about this lately.

I could go on, but that's enough for now. I have so much I wish I could say (hence the many unpublished blog posts I've written!) but maybe it's all for another time. Hopefully the sun will come out soon (it has been raining almost non-stop here for the past two months...no kidding) and once that happens perhaps I'll bounce back!

I truly hope you are all doing well and having a wonderful spring...

Moving along...

So, I have kinda, sorta, in a way, partially pulled it together. A bit. :)

That sounds super wimpy, but it's all I've got right now so I'm hanging on with both hands to the little accomplishments. My biggest struggle these days seems to be portion control, and I'm still having a hard time with that. Last night I made chicken enchiladas for dinner, which sounds diet-bad but I make them relatively low-cal. I had a nice salad on the side and a reasonable portion of mexican rice. All in all, not too shabby...until I caved and had a second enchilada. And then half of a third. And a ton of chips and salsa.

SIGH.

But, I didn't eat anything after dinner, so there's a small victory. One thing I've decided is to give up jelly beans for the entire month of May. (Side note: I have become seriously addicted to Jelly Belly beans. Like, going to Anderson's to get a big bag of bulk Jelly Belly's at least once a week for the past few weeks, and then eating them all within 24 hours. It's a sad but delicious addiction that is NOT helping.)

So my husband thinks he's temporarily fixed the treadmill...at least good enough for me to use it without using the incline feature that I've been loving lately...so later today I'm going to do a nice run/walk. Just the thought of working out again gives me hope that I'll be able to jump back where I need to be soon. My goal for May is the same as it was for April, getting back under the magic number of 125 again...and then hopefully this summer I'll be able to finally reach my ultimate goal of 120, but we'll see. One thing at a time, Missy. One thing at a time. :)

Side note number two: getting back in the groove is so much harder than just living in the groove. Why can't I just stop being so stubborn and insisting on eating junk like a spoiled child? And why oh why must bad food taste sooooo good? WHY CAN'T BROCCOLI TASTE LIKE ICE CREAM?!?! We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make veggies chocolate flavored? ;-)

Weigh in day

128.2
Need I even say more?
Now you know why I have been avoiding the blog.
My treadmill is broken again and it will NOT stop raining. (Not making excuses...the gain is from eating junk, trust me. Just venting.)
UGH. I must get it together again, or I am in big trouble.