introduction to my doubt

To start I'll say that I am pretty much all the way over into agnostic territory these days. I still believe that there is a God and I'm holding onto that belief with both hands. However, I honestly don't think I can be considered a Christian any longer. It's not that I don't believe in Jesus, I'm just not sure what He did or for whom, but what I do know is that I pretty much don't believe in the bible itself anymore...and can you really be a Christian if you don't follow the Bible?

I could go on and on about why and one day maybe I will, but mostly I'll just say that I no longer believe the 'divine inspiration, infallible word of God' aspect of the bible. I now believe it was written by very infallible men and then translated over and over by very infallible (and perhaps even corrupt) men with political and cultural agenda

(And don't even get me started on how I think many churches ACT like they feel the same way...picking and choosing what to follow and what to throw out. Another post for another time, perhaps!)
 
As for the gospel and Jesus, as much as it pains me to say this: I don't know. I just don't.  I WANT to know and believe, I'm just not sure. Right now there is very little ground under my feet (do you know what i mean by that?) and I haven't been able to get my head around Jesus and who I think he was or what I think he did quite yet.

What I do believe is that God, in whatever form He exists, HAS GOT TO BE far, far bigger than any religion could possibly begin to conceive or imagine. Once I allowed myself to openly study different aspects of the universe, it became clearer that Christianity's version of God (or ANY earthly religion's view of him) is tiny. Small. Earth focused. Very rigid and very, very limited by our own constructed religion and beliefs. I feel like we've created our version of God BASED on what the Bible says, instead of allowing Him to be whatever He is based on WHAT HE ACTUALLY IS. 

At any rate, a lot has changed within me, or maybe its just that I've finally admitted what has always been there, just beneath the surface. Many people would probably say that I must have never been saved in the first place, and maybe they are right. Truth be told, I've been a doubter since early childhood, always asking my mom questions on how we could possibly know our way was the right way and all the others had it wrong. So, maybe I never truly committed myself to Christianity, I don't know. I know that I truly felt like I did. I sincerely tried. I cried out to God repeatedly in desperation to know Him, to find Him, for the faith to believe more times than I can count. I've lain face-down on my bedroom floor crying out to Him over and over again. I've participated in Bible study after Bible study, read book after book, fasted and prayed, gone to church for years. Yet, here I am, filled with more doubt than faith.

Those who believe in predestination would say I am just not one of the elect. Honestly, if the Bible really is true then I can actually buy into this one. I just don't get it as easily and naturally as the Christians I see around me. I can't just embrace faith and shut off the questions and doubts. Never have been able to do that, no matter how hard I tried. So...maybe I just wasn't chosen by God to be saved. I don't know.

What I do know is that I can't pretend anymore and I can't simply silence what is screaming inside of me to get out any longer. And PLEASE know that this isn't something I take lightly. I have struggled and wrestled and mentally beaten myself bloody trying to hold onto my faith. I WANT to believe. I've begged and pleaded with God time and time again to give me the faith to believe. I WANT to just keep going and ignore this. I WANT to make things simpler and just fall back into the patterns of my faith. 

I just don't know how. 
 

Warning...

So, here's the deal. I want to have a place to write about the religious angsty stuff going on with me and I've wanted to be able to freely do it here, but didn't want to offend anyone. I've kept it all inside for so long that I feel like I'm going to BURST and desperately need to let it OUT. So, I just tried for like an hour to figure out how to make a separate page here so that you can only read the religious stuff if you want to, but apparently blogger stinks and it isn't that easy. SO. I'm just going to do it here and ask that you go easy on me. Also, I DO NOT want to upset anyone by what I say, or have my words make anyone else start to struggle in their own faith. This is a horrible thing that I am going through and the LAST thing I ever want to do it drag someone else down with me. If you need to stop reading here, I totally understand.

I guess that is a disclaimer for whatever is to follow. 

You've been warned. ;-)

(Of course if the past is any indicator of future behavior I'll probably not post here for another two or three months, so yeah. Whatever.) 

:)
 

Saturday morning weigh in

135.
Yes, I'm frustrated.
Yes, I could be trying harder, it is my own fault.
Here's to a better week...

Randomness

*I completely forgot to weigh in this morning, which is no doubt a blessing because this week was absolutely HORRIBLE on the eating side, with no exercise whatsoever. I should be ashamed. :)

*I want so badly to be able to talk about the ongoing spiritual journey in my life...but I just don't seem capable of translating thoughts into words in this area...or maybe I'm just not ready, I don't know. The one thing I will say: Once the first domino falls, the rest inevitably come down, whether you want them to or not. 

*Spring may have actually (finally!) sprung. THANK GOODNESS. My depression is 100x worse in the winter and holy cow, did it go on for what seemed like forever this year! If only my anxiety would minimize as well...sigh.

*My daughter is just a few weeks away from finishing up her freshman year of high school! (WOW. I'm just so old.) This year nearly killed us all, as her school is intentionally highly rigorous and difficult (and she had multiple extracurricular activities on top of that) but she has rocked it. None if it came easily, mind you. She had to fight tooth and nail in every class, on each assignment and on every test, which makes her success an even bigger accomplishment, in my opinion. Sorry, I could brag on and on here, I am just so stinking proud of her. She's a really good girl. :)

*However, I'll be honest. Parenting a teenage girl--even a good one---is, well, lets just say it's an adventure.  ;)

Well, I guess that's it. All I've got today. Now get out there and enjoy this springtime!  :)

Saturday morning weigh in, resurrected

Weigh in: 134.6
Loss of:  3.4

Hm. Seems unlikely. I didn't have a ton of water yesterday, maybe I'm dehydrated? At any rate, there it is. I will probably go up again in a day or two.

Not going to lie though, it does make me want to keep going, seeing a smaller number already. :)

This winter has not been kind to my hips!

Veering back into weight-loss territory...

So, I just got home from Kohls, where I had hoped to use my 20% off coupon to buy a couple of clearance spring/summer tops. Well, that didn't happen. NOTHING fit properly. I am horrified by how terrible I looked in every single thing I put on. I haven't weighed in for quite some time, but I'm guessing I'm up BIG time. (I know I should just bite the bullet and get on the scales, but I am in full scale avoidance mode right now!) 

EDIT: I weighed in after I posted this: 138. Still what it was before the holidays, but for some reason I look bigger than I did then. Whatever, it is what it is. 13 pounds to goal. 

It is all my fault and I knew it was coming. I've slacked majorly when it comes to working out, I've been snacking endlessly, I'm even back to munching my old nemesis peanut M&Ms, I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not practicing portion control, I'm eating whatever I want whenever I want, and so on. Just no discipline whatsoever, heck, I'm not even trying.

My first instinct is to go WAAAY in the other direction and barely eat anything, but the past has proven that doesn't work for me long term so...I suppose I'm back to calorie counting. (UGH)  I also need to get back on that treadmill, but with me eating is the biggest key to going back down, so that's where I will focus the bulk of my attention for now.

I think I'm going to try the approach of small, frequent meals all day and then portion control at dinner. Also, I might be talking about this here, not sure yet. Right now it seems like a good idea, it worked before, but I also know that blogging regularly isn't my strong point! :)  If anyone does SparkPeople and wants to follow along with me there, just let me know!
 

Gay Marriage

Okay, so building on the last confession, here's another one: I think that we (America) should allow gay marriage, as long as churches are not forced by law (citing discrimination, etc.) to perform them.

*Again, a disclaimer: I MAY BE 100% WRONG on this. I'm positive I'm wrong on some level, as I don't think any of us ever totally have it right when it comes to God. I'm not trying to convince you or convert you, and my thoughts in this area are very much a work in progress. This is just where my head is at right now, today, and I may very well be in a different place a month from now. End of disclaimer.*

See, here's the thing: I think it is really strange that we are trying to legislate our beliefs upon the entire country simply on the basis that they are our beliefs. I have yet to hear or read any logical argument that makes me believe that gay marriage would somehow hurt all marriages, or negatively effect society in general. Every article I've ever read on this subject has been embarrassingly vague and nonsensical to me, honestly.

(Please know that I understand that we, as Christians, are supposed to be bound to a higher law than American law...however we are projecting that Biblical allegiance onto the entire population and that is where we lose all credibility. Our convictions are just that: OUR convictions. I don't want to be bound by an outsider's definition of right or wrong, so why should I assume that right over others?) 

In my mind, if being a homosexual is a sin, and if marrying someone of the same gender is also a sin, isn't that ultimately between that person/couple and God? We all answer for our own sins, end of story. Quite honestly, I often wonder if we Christians aren't guilty of a bigger sin here, by showing such hate and disdain toward the homosexual population, and inadvertently projecting a portrait of God that is full of anger and contempt, a being who just wants to force you into submission at all costs. 

Serious question: Isn't someone burning in hell because they reject the ugly version of God that we present to them a bigger tragedy than anything? 

Unlike some Christians, I am FIRMLY against America becoming a theocracy of any kind, even a watered down version where evangelicals dictate what parts of the Bible should become part of American law. That reason? Whose version of Christianity/God do we choose? Which parts of the Bible are enforced and by whom? What's next...a tithe tax? Women being forced to wear long skirts and head coverings? Outlawing tattoos or remarrying after a divorce? And what happens when/if Christianity is no longer the religion of the majority and it is replaced by whatever religion follows it? Will we still be happy with said theocracy then? 

Just for a second, envision yourself living in an America bound by Sharia law. You aren't Muslim, you don't believe in their teachings and you feel that they are forcing you to directly oppose what you do believe. Do you honestly think that over time you'd be converted to their religion and learn to love and serve their version of god, or do you think that you'd become more resentful over time and come to hate everything that they stand for? Now tell me why on earth you think that non-Christians will be won over to Christ by forcing them, through legislation, to follow your set of beliefs?

I can force my child to read her Bible for hours each day, and that won't necessarily make her a believer. In fact, it may sour her to Christianity altogether if, instead of letting her find her own path to God, I use a heavy hand to force her down my path. Given the authority, I could force my neighbors to go to church each Sunday, but that wouldn't automatically make them believers, it would most likely cause them to resent both me and God. If I had the power, I could make it illegal to curse or use the Lord's name in vain...but those laws would ultimately do nothing at all to change the actual hearts of men. And isn't that where we are called to focus...the hearts of humanity?

I'm becoming more and more convinced that the crusade of Christianity against gay marriage is only accomplishing one thing spiritually speaking: multitudes of people turning their backs on God even further. That is a heavy cost, and for what? If your problem is with homosexuality, this doesn't 'solve' that problem. Homosexuality has always existed and will always exist, whether they are allowed to marry or not. So all that is really being accomplished is a bigger gulf is being forged between 'them' and 'us' or by extension, between them and God.

Where is the love we are supposed to show our fellow sinners? Are we so afraid that loving them will somehow make us complicit in their sin, as if we aren't knee deep in our own? Have we become more about the letter of the law than the spirit of the law, and isn't this something Jesus warned us about? I mean, is anyone else feeling a bit like a Pharisee?

Also, let us not forget it hasn't been that long ago that some Christians used the Bible to fight against interracial marriages, as well. My own marriage would be against the law had that argument stood, and for what reason, I ask you? How would my marriage hurt anyone, offend God, or cause society to implode into chaos? At one time, many Christians believed firmly that God said it would do those things, just as they say gay marriage will do those things now.  

One last thing to keep in mind: Marriage as we know it now (even amongst Christians, sadly) only has about a 50% success rate, so please don't come at me with the argument about the 'sanctity' of marriage between a man and a woman. We straight people have managed to make quite a mockery of marriage already, if you ask me.          

EDITED TO ADD: I just found an article that says what I was trying to say, only much better than I said it! I can't vouch for the entire site, as I have never read there before, but the article is good. 

Confession

Okay people, here's one of my changes of heart to start the ball rolling, so to speak:

I officially have zero problems with gay people.

Now, I could write page upon page about the 'why' behind that statement (and quite frankly I HAVE written those pages but never published them) but there it is. The only explanation I'll give right now is that:

1. MY particular daily sin (fear/anxiety) is addressed many more times in the Bible than homosexuality is addressed.
2. I, myself, am seemingly powerless to change, even though it is my deepest hearts desire.
3. I did not choose this and I do not continue to choose it daily.

Look, I've prayed thousands of times for God to change me, or help me to change myself, all in vain. I've begged, I've fasted, I've literally lay on the floor face down and wept before God. I've been prayed for by pastors, by evangelists, had the elders lay hands on me, been anointed with oil, done numerous Bible studies and read dozens of books on the matter...you name it. I am a person who spent years trying desperately to be set free of my sin. Yet, here I am, 41 years old and worse than ever, trying to simply get through each day and some days barely making it.

I know the horror of desperately NEEDING God to help you and then being met by only silence. It is an incredibly hopeless feeling, when God is your only hope but He doesn't come through for you. The things I've done that I mentioned above, these are what many gay Christians have gone through trying to be normal and free from how they feel (I've read many blogs and articles on this subject) and they've then been met by the same horrible silence from God. Oh, only they get a bonus to go along with that: complete judgement and rejection from the body of Christ. They get to be told they are going to burn in hell, for something they have not been able to conquer no matter how hard they've tried.

Just. Like. Me.

Also, I've come to fully believe that they are NOT choosing to be gay. In fact, many of them are actually killing themselves to escape it, a feeling I happen to completely and totally understand. And make no mistake, I am also fully aware of what the Bible says concerning the matter. This is just one reason out of a thousand that I am struggling to embrace the Bible lately. Or maybe it is just the church's interpretation and/or application of the Bible, I don't know.

And there you have it. I am not trying to convince you to feel the same, and I'm not asking to be talked out of it. After years of wrestling with God and myself over this matter I think I've finally come to as close to a peaceful resolution as I can within myself. Yes, I absolutely could be 100% wrong and I could be grieving God and I could be making a horrible judgement call...I know all of that. But something inside of me needed me to do this, to accept this, to maybe even embrace this. I don't know what else to say.

Alone

There is something extremely isolating about losing your faith. You are out there on this fragile limb, all by yourself, with no one to help you. It is so very lonely.

You can't really talk to your Christian friends about it, because they will either immediately judge you or quote numerous Bible verses at you, ones that you've argued already in your mind time and time again.  Or even worse, they could decide you are a bad influence and decide to shun you completely, like a modern day leper.

You can't really talk to your non-Christian friends either, for fear that they will just say things that will further place a wedge between you and God, somehow cutting that last thread of connection that you have with Him.

So ultimately you just end up writing insanely long blog posts that never see the light of day, living only in your drafts folder forever.

Thus, the silence here. I'm honestly getting closer and closer to just outing myself and all of my changes of heart, doubts, and confusion, but I'm just not quite there yet. Frankly I think part of me is afraid that once I put it all out there, I can't go back.

All I know is, I am very sad and very alone in this. It just really, really sucks.

A few of my current truths...

I will soon be turning 41 years old, yet there are times that I have the emotional maturity of a teenager. I wonder if I'll ever truly feel like a grown up.

I believe in God, but can barely tolerate anything to do with religion these days, including the Bible.

My prayers rarely extend beyond a sentence or two. Sometimes all I can say is "Please, Lord..." and then I have no other words.

I am currently gaining weight, not losing it, and although I have the desire, I don't really have the drive to change that tide. 

I sometimes deliberately don't do the things 'they' say to do to take care of myself, because I'd very much prefer not to grow too old. 

I am at a complete standstill in my life. I am at a loss as to what I should do now that my daughter is in school. 

I am pretty much feeling mentally paralyzed when it comes to changing any of the things I listed above.