The lifting

I'm breathing again. Thank God, because I was barely breathing for days, and I was truly afraid. Afraid that this would be the time that the darkness wouldn't retreat...that this would be the end of me.

Yet, here I stand. Not yet quite myself, but not so deep in the pit that I can't see the sun. There is light now, and for now it's enough. I have hope now, and I feel God's strength holding me together, most welcome, most needed. I finally cried out to him yesterday morning, after days and days of holding back my prayers. I knew other people were praying for me, some even strangers to me, and I was so unspeakably thankful for that because I couldn't, or wouldn't perhaps, do it for myself.

With the prayer came a slight lifting, and later I forgave someone a grudge I'd been holding, and more lifting came. Today came worship, and the lifting continued. There is now room in me to not only breathe, but take a deep, cleansing breath...and it feels like hope. I actually feel hopeful.

He is good.

Now I'm trying desperately to let go. Of the fear that grips me, of the anger that rises and rages, of the doubts and confusion that plague my relationship with God...of all illusion of control. Over and over, I've tried to let go and I've failed, more times than I can count, but what else can I do? I try again.

Hiding

I have spent the last day and a half tucked into bed. Hiding under the blankets. Trying to feel safe, secure, numb, I don't know. Something. I am not sick in my body, and yes, I am definitely sick mentally, but it's more than that. I am sick in my heart. I am sad. Sad to the very deepest core of myself. Alone. More alone than I've felt in a long, long time.

Today I am out of bed, but not because I want to be, it's because I have to be. Tonight we have a volleyball dinner to attend for my daughter and I needed to get up and cook the Hawaiian coconut pudding that we're bringing. (It's a luau theme...quite lame but what can you do?) So now I'm up, out of bed, sitting in my chair, furiously hoping my pudding is forming something that resembles an edible consistency in the fridge right now, and quite frankly barely hanging on.

I just want to go back to bed.

I am tired...in my body, my brain, my innermost soul, my heart...so very tired. Too tired to even pretend to go through the motions of life. Now what?

Decision

I decided to put my Nov. 1st weight at 124, since it was 123.6 on Saturday and 124.2 this morning...kinda in the middle of the two. ;-)

Not worried about being slightly up today, as I am once again moving slowly (since Saturday for goodness sakes!) and I know once it happens I'll be lighter. (Gross, but true)

Not much else to add, except that my favorite sandwich place (Penn Station) is having a sale on their 8 inch Philly subs (only $2.99!) and I'm thinking that I really must have one soon...

Ooops!

Oh for goodness sakes, I just realized I was supposed to weigh-in today for my monthly weigh in! Well, it's too late to get an accurate number for today (I weigh-in before breakfast) so...I can either take Saturday's number, which would be two days early, or do it tomorrow, which would be one day late. What to do?

Welcome November

Well here we are in November already! The past couple of months have just flown by, probably because we have been sooooo busy with school and extracurricular activities. November is looking to be a much slower month, so yay for that!

I did manage to get through Halloween weekend without eating any candy...well, except for a few dark chocolate kisses, but I eat those pretty much everyday. I bought Kit Kat's to pass out and I truly don't care for those, and my daughter decided that she was finally too old to trick or treat this year so we had no candy coming into the house...easy, peasy!

My eating was pretty good calorie wise all weekend, but not due to any great amount of effort on my part...nope, it was because I was in and out of a panic attack all weekend. Not fun. One of my anxiety issues focuses on food and when that flares up I find it extremely difficult to eat. I don't know how to explain it other than I get afraid of 99% of the food around me all of a sudden, and until I can find the one thing that I feel like I can eat, I'm panic filled and stressed out. It isn't fun for me and SO not fun for my family. Ugh. Anyway, I did eat over the weekend, but I don't think I had any protein whatsoever, so that may effect my weight negatively, who knows. I'm not weighing myself today regardless.

Tomorrow is voting day...something I participate in even though, truth be told, I'm not particularly inclined to believe either 'side' is going to do the right thing anymore. I used to be pretty political on my old blog, but after awhile it becomes hard to stand up for politicians when they all end up slimy and corrupt in the end. These days I just try to focus on God being in control no matter what political party is running this country (or state, or city, or whatever) but voting still seems important to me. I hope everyone has researched the various candidates and issues wherever you live and get out to make your opinion known at the polls tomorrow!

Happy November!

Weigh-in

So, I said I'd do my official weigh-in this morning and it is down to 123.6 which is a loss of 2.4 pounds for the week.

That's what I was hoping to see, honestly. Basically, I'm back to my goal weight again...but I do think I'm going to push through to see if I can get down to 120, which is closer to the middle of what is considered 'normal' for my height on the bmi charts. It's something I've considered doing since I got to my original goal a year ago, but never had the motivation to try.

I'll visit that thought again on Monday, for now I'm just going to try and be good over the weekend and not un-do all my hard work this week! ;-) Have a great weekend, everyone.

Peeked

So, last night was pizza night here in my house, but I did pretty well overall, only eating two cheese slices and one breadstick. I entered everything into Sparkpeople and even with the pizza I was under my calorie limit for the day!

BUT. This morning I did a weigh-in, even though I was going to wait until tomorrow for an 'official' Saturday morning weigh-in...and yes, I'm down (124.4 from 126 on Monday) but honestly I was hoping for more than that. I know, I know...be happy with any loss. It's just that I've been SO good all week and 124.4 is still higher than I'm used to seeing...

I suppose I'm just having a really bad morning (my depression/anxiety is always worst in the morning) and I'm wallowing in the yuck a bit. Sorry. :)

Anyway, day 4 went well. Eating within range and got my workout done. Onward to day 5!

Plugging along...and dangling on the edge

Day four of being back to work on the diet/exercise program again! So far, I'm sticking to the plan on the eating side just fine. I'm entering all of my food onto Sparkpeople and staying within my calorie range each day. Actually, Tuesday I was UNDER my calorie range, which technically isn't good but I wasn't hungry so I just went with it. One day won't kill me. ;-)

Exercise has been okay. Monday and Tuesday I hit the treadmill and picked up right where I left off, doing the running/walking intervals for 30 minutes. Well...I probably should have eased back into it because yesterday I was wrecked. I could barely walk, my legs were so achy! I was also so fatigued that I wasn't really fully functioning whatsoever, so needless to say I took a rest day from workouts yesterday. So far today I am feeling a bit better, and hopefully I'll get a workout later today!

Mentally I'm dangling on the edge of a down cycle, but not actually in it yet. I hate this feeling, but I suppose it's better than riding out a week in the dark pit itself. I'm really hoping it passes before I get there. There is so much I want to say on this topic, so many thoughts that are tormenting me that I'd love to get out onto the screen, but I'm hesitant of doing it. I feel so exposed when I share too much, and really, does it help long term? So for now I am just trying to get through, as usual, because it just isn't something I have much control over when you get right down to it.

So I am trying to control what I can control...my weight! I haven't weighed myself all week, I think I'm waiting till Saturday like the old days, so we'll see if I'm making any difference this week at all. Hope everyone is doing well and for those of us in the midwest...hope you aren't blowing away! :)

How'd my day go?

So, it was my first day back using Sparkpeople again...how did I do? Well, the first thing I've go to say is that I totally forgot how quickly you can consume all of your allotted calories for the day! I had one measly little enchilada with broccoli on the side for dinner and now I have no extra calories left over for a snack later! Although...air popped popcorn won't add many calories...

I did get my workout in...and I'm LOVING having the treadmill back! It is truly my absolute favorite way to workout. It felt SOOOO good! I'm one bottle of water away from meeting my daily goal...and I should have no problem getting it in before bedtime. All in all, I did well today.

But I do have to admit that I'm hungry. I've gotten so spoiled apparently! Oh well. A little hunger won't kill me, right? ;-)

Some thoughts this morning

Just a few quick notes on a gray Monday morning:

*My treadmill is finally fixed...woo hoo! I'll be using it today for the first time in many months. So excited!

*I started using Sparkpeople again today. Why, you ask? Because I'm up to 126 again this morning. I thought for sure I'd go down a pound or two after my TOM passed, but nope. It seems to be sticking. Crap.

*I am so annoyed with myself. Literally within DAYS of my one-year maintenance anniversary I gain weight and it decides to stick around. Stinking Oreos got the best of me. (Okay okay, there was ice cream involved, too. And cake. Little Debbies. Even a couple of Reese's Cups. But I'm convinced the Oreo's are what did it. Little devil cookies, they are!)

Happy Monday to us all. May this week be a good (and Oreo free) one! :)