Slowly getting back into things

I'm feeling a bit more back in control now, although the PMS is still raging and it is making things feel harder than they should. What is it about this time of the month that makes you feel like you want to eat and never stop eating? Not to mention craving all of the wrong foods. What I wouldn't give for a giant bowl of pasta and a brownie sundae for dessert! 

Instead I'm drinking a lot of coffee and indulging in little Dove dark chocolate squares. I know that one giant bowl of pasta won't kill me in the long run, but I also know that giving in to one bowl often leads to another bowl next week and how about some ice cream over the weekend and oh dear I could really eat a big bag of Doritos right now...

I tend to give in completely when I give in a little, as evidenced by what has happened this week after I binged on Sunday. I do MUCH better when I'm super militant about what I eat every single day, staying in my calorie range every single day. One moment of giving in is sometimes releasing the finger poking that hole in the dam that is carefully holding back my appetite. Best to leave that finger in the dam! 

Forced myself to hit the treadmill yesterday, so that's a step in the right direction. I am still not doing this daily, which is my ultimate goal, but 3 to 4 times a week is better than nothing. I know that weight training is really what I am avoiding more than anything and I'm not really sure why. It just seems tedious when I think about it, but I know doing it isn't really that bad. Note to self: just try one workout using the ball and weights (I use Core Secrets, it's only 20 minutes for goodness sakes!) and see how you feel. It may not be so bad!
 
Still having mixed feelings on starting a job. I'm looking forward to being paid a paycheck again, even though it will go to bills and won't be 'extra' money in any way. I'm also happy to have something to fill my time with now that my daughter isn't home as much. But I'm so worried about working every single Saturday and Sunday, and every holiday other than Christmas. Will I ever get quality time with my out-of-town family ever again?! 

And then when my daughter goes away to college, will I ever get to go visit her there? This is the BIG one hanging over my head. Sigh. It kills me to think of her being almost three hours away but I know I have to let her go. I was not made for this. I am not even close to being equipped to handle this. 

I have to push it out of my mind for now. I still have about 16 months until she leaves, but sometimes it feels like 16 minutes. I am at a loss. 

Okay so this was scattered but honestly, I am so scattered this time of the month! Here's hoping I'll still be checking in here tomorrow...  

Confessions, again.

A couple of weight-loss bloggers I read drive me crazy with their constant complaints of not losing weight even though they constantly talk about cheating...and now, here I am, doing just that. 

Wah! I am not losing weight! Wah!! I ate horribly on Sunday! Wah!!! I ordered pizza last night because I was so hormonal the thought of cooking was just too much for me to handle! 

So yeah. Last night I ordered pizza. Not the 'safe-ish' plain cheese pizza, either. The chicken club with crap-tons of bacon and two types of cheese. (Although I didn't order cheesy garlic bread even though it sounded even better than the pizza and my daughter wanted to harm me for not allowing it!)

I am struggling and truthfully not putting up much of a fight. I'm hoping it's a temporary PMS sidetrack, but I know full-well that this can spiral into a full blown regain and then some event...hence me confessing daily on here. As long as I still care enough to show up here and be accountable then all is not lost. 

So, here I am, being one of those bloggers that bug me. Whatever. ;-)
 

Sitting here, just sitting

I'm trying to get the eating back on track today but let me tell you, the PMS is strong. I have such a headache and I think my butt is fusing to the loveseat thanks to the massive amounts of inactivity it is experiencing today! Thankfully the housework and laundry were done well enough last week that it's spilling over to today and everything is good to go, because I do believe I'm currently in the middle of taking today off. ;-)

Being honest with you and myself, I just don't see a workout happening today, but who knows I suppose I could surprise myself. But. Not feeling it at ALL. 

I still don't feel too guilty about splurging yesterday but I know for a fact the next time I step onto the scales I'll be full of regret and disappointment. Right now it's just the PMS that is making me feel overwhelmed and hopeless and I know once it passes I'll get my 'oomph' back and kick myself in the butt. 

In the meantime, I'll be here on the loveseat trying not to eat. ;-)

Rebellion

The deed has been done. I did, in fact, eat donut holes on the way out of town. I did, in fact, eat a giant meal with butter and sour cream and two rolls and a slice of garlic toast. I did, in fact, eat pizza when I got home. 

Sigh. I don't even feel that bad about it. 

Saturday weigh in, a day late

Short and to the point, I'm pretty much even stevens for the week and I am FRUSTRATED. I did everything right this week. I did my workouts, I ate at or below my calorie range every single day, I drank my water, and I upped my protein. Everything I'm supposed to do, I did, and for nothing. UGH. I can't figure it out! I honestly want to go buy a box of donuts right now, because denying myself of them isn't working. I actually might do this, who knows. 

I'm within a day or two of starting my period, so it is definitely the wrong time to feel like giving up, know what I mean? 

Alone

Feeling incredibly lonely today. Do you ever get emotions that you can physically feel inside of your chest and throat? That's what I've got today. The feels.

(Duh duh duuuuuh)

You know, the sad and embarrassing truth is that I no longer have any real friends where I live. All of the friends I've had since living here have been in one way or another related to the two churches I went to...and they just aren't in my life at all anymore.  Honestly though, I've not gotten super 'best friend' close with anyone at all here. I don't know why, but I've never been able to be 'myself' with anyone for years, other than my daughter, husband, one sister, and sometimes my mom. But even with my mom things are strained these days. 

She is just so one dimensional that I find it hard to relate to her. (Religion only, not much else at all. Not only religion though, her church is very much a 'cult of personality' and holds the pastor up almost even with God. It's too much for me and I constantly challenge her on this. It strains things, for sure!) Everything is centered around her church and if I try to talk about neutral things, she struggles to engage with me. When I called to tell her I got a job she never even congratulated me or acted happy for me, she just kinda changed the subject. It was weird and it hurt me so badly that I'm still sad three days later. 

My daughter will be here for only another year and a half, my husband works all the time, and my sister doesn't need me much because she has a very full life. So I'm just here, alone, a lot. Today I'm going second hand shopping and I'd give anything to be able to call someone up to join me, but there's no one to call. And I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I should probably mention that I'm PMS-ing right now and that is amplifying everything times a hundred. I'm honestly not really in that bad of a place overall right now (SPRING!!) but the last few days have been kicking my butt emotionally. I miss having a close girlfriend living nearby. I miss having a mom who connected with me on a deeper level. I miss being in my hometown where I had a lot of friends near me. 

I'm just lonely.  

Life changes

It's Wednesday and I'm still plugging! The eating is going very well this week, the exercise is meh. I did a workout Monday with no running and skipped yesterday because I was feeling kinda yucky again. Today I'm feeling better so I'll try to get myself in gear later to hit the treadmill hard. 

So a bit of news...I got a job for the first time in literally 17 years to the month. I haven't told many people yet in case I chicken out or something else goes wrong, but there it is. It is with the Home Shopping Network, of all things, answering sales calls and placing orders. The best thing about it is that I'll be working from home, which is somewhat of a necessity with my anxiety. If I'm having a bad day I'll be able to be in comfy jammies, hugging my heating pad and drinking tea while I work. It is also only part time up to 25 hours a week, because I couldn't imagine jumping into a 40 hour week again after so long! The hours are 10-4, which I love, but I'll be working every Saturday and Sunday, which I HATE. I'm hoping that in time I'll be able to request one Sunday off a month, but I have no idea if that is realistic. 

There are so many worries and concerns around the situation, but I am needing something to do with my time and I'm hoping this is a good fit for me and my family. I'll keep you posted on how it works out! 

Saturday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 141.4
Weight today: 138.6
Loss of 2.8 pounds

So two notable things happened this week concerning my weigh in. First, I was convinced that I'd been gaining all week long and it made me crack down more toward the end of the week. See, I weighed in a few times showing I was up, but each time I was wearing clothes as opposed to being practically naked like I was last week. Apparently clothes weigh more than I thought.  This weigh in was practically naked...sorry for that visual. ;-)

Also yesterday I was sick all day and didn't eat or drink anything until 9:00 at night, which I'm sure contributed to the loss. However, I'll take what I can get and try to build upon it this week. Feels really good to be in the 130's again! This time (as opposed to in October, when I actually got LOWER than this and gained it all back and more in four months!) I will hopefully keep going strong and get back to my goal by summer. 

Argh!

I am so ridiculously frustrated!!!!  I have jumped on the scale three different times since last official 'weigh-in' and each time I've shown a two pound GAIN since last weekend. Why?!? I have been in my target calorie range every single day, no major cheats or anything like that. Water intake has been decent. Workouts...not so much...BUT usually that wouldn't cause a gain! I am soooooooooo frustrated. 

I'm tempted to go lower than my calorie range to see if the scales budge. I don't know. I know I have to get on that freaking treadmill more regularly and do harder workouts. Maybe even go to the gym with hubby. 

Also, I need to up my protein and fiber without making a calorie hit. How?? Fiber is hard for me, I'll have to look into it. 

Anyway, yeah. Frustrated. The end. 

Anxiety

One of the highways near me is shut down right now because of an accident that had a fatality. This is actually pretty common around here, with many highways in and near my city, heck, it's probably common everywhere. Whenever it happens, my mind immediately goes to worry and anxiety that one day it'll be my husband or my daughter who are the ones killed in a car accident. It isn't merely a passing thought, it is overwhelming and unrelenting. My anxiety manifests both mentally and physically, as I can actually FEEL the fear coursing through my veins. Paralyzing me.

This happens with any similar scenario, not just car accidents. Campus rapes, heart attacks, even earlier today reading a story involving a young woman falling off of a cruise ship of all things. This is just one way my anxiety disorder manifests itself.

There are other ways, too many to number here, but ultimately I am in a constant state of terror. I am terrorized by my own brain on a daily, hourly basis. Today, everyday, I am just a captive to anxiety that is sometimes plain debilitating. And it's exhausting. 

I am tired.

Edited to add: It's hours later and I had a great day. I feel so normal right now...and I'm so envious of people who get to feel this way all of the time. At any rate, I'm having a good day so there ya go. ;-)