Friday, June 25, 2010

Boring, random stuff

*I had not one, not two, but THREE blueberry muffins this morning. Now I feel pretty gross.

*I taught my daughter how to play rummy the other day, and now we play cards all day long. I used to let her win games when she was I wish she'd let me win more often.

*Remember when I said I was doing a bunch of small things to help lower our grocery bill? Yeah, about that. Not all of them took. First, my family HATED frozen concentrate OJ, and I was barely able to choke down our disgusting tap water so I basically stopped drinking water altogether. We now buy regular OJ and grocery store water again. Oh well.

*I haven't had a vehicle to drive in months now...and I've seriously become concerned with my sanity level. Stuck at home for a few days is no fun. Stuck at home for months is just plain wrong.

*For a few weeks, Walmart had Breyers Ice Cream priced at $1.98. Okay, first, Breyers is THE best ice cream out there. No really, it is. Second, that is WAY cheaper than we could buy ice cream cones...even at McDonalds which used to be our go-to summer dessert place. We we've been buying a LOT of Breyers.

*When we were at Walmart a few days ago, we noticed they'd raised the price back up to like $3.25 or something like that. Still cheap, but not less than two bucks! I was actually a little bit relieved. A couple more weeks of nightly scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and I'd need to start counting calories again!

*My 13th wedding anniversary is on Monday. Pretty cool.

*Sorry about the boring random-ness of this post. Not too much going on to talk about when I've been home for the entire month of June. ;-)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Bathing suit shopping

No matter how much weight you lose, is it EVER fun trying on bathing suits? In my world, no. No it isn't. But I did find a way to make it far less painful than I thought it would be! Speed-shopping.

Yesterday I had roughly 45 minutes to find, try on, and purchase a bathing suit. I quickly tried on half a dozen, picked the least objectionable one, then paid and walked out the door with it all within that 45 fuss, no muss. In a way, it was a blessing to be in such a hurry, because I didn't really have the time to dwell on the remaining lumps, rolls, and ever present weight-loss sag. I am still not even CLOSE to being toned, I look more like a melted candle then a fit and thin woman. Of course, I only have myself to blame, as I have still not really dedicated myself to a toning/strength training regimen. Or any regimen at all, really. I think my last workout was a month ago...

Anyway, I now own a swimming suit for the first time in a couple of years, and for the first time in about ten years it isn't one with a skirt-type bottom. (I have a very generous lower body) It is two pieces, but the top is long so they totally meet in the middle, even overlap, so it is just as good as a one-piece. The bottoms are boy-shorts, so there is adequate coverage I suppose, but not as forgiving as those wonderful skirt-bottom ones! Perhaps I'll post a pic for you guys, but it'll have to wait till I both shave my legs and let my ugly, red sunburn (with drastically different tan-lines then the suit so they REALLY stand out) fade away.

Now, if only I had a pool....

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Living in a state of constantly falling apart

So, tonight has found me in the middle of a big, ugly panic attack. For the past four hours, I've been an outright mess. Thankfully, my Hubby has gotten good over the past 13 years at reading my moods and helping me work my way through them, and he hung in there with me and I'm starting to feel a bit better.

I thought I'd sit down and write a bit, maybe get some more of the junk out of my head so I'll be able to sleep, especially since it is now after 1:00 am and I'm on day who-even-knows-what (16 ? Maybe 17?) of terrible, sporadic, almost-no sleep. Seriously, my insomnia situation is starting to freak me out, but that is another post for another time!

I don't know if I've ever shared my mental issues on this blog or not, but they are a HUGE part of my life, going back into my childhood as far as I can remember. I have some depression, most of the time that part is pretty manageable, but my main issue is anxiety. High, uncontrollable anxiety. Panic attacks, chronic worry, obsessive thoughts, a paralyzing phobia. Every day, every situation, every part of my life is wrapped around and pretty much controlled by this, and frankly I'm exhausted.

Oddly, I'm getting worse with time, even though I always expected that with maturity I'd overcome it. It is starting to really scare me, the thought that by the time that I'm elderly I'll be without my Mom and possibly my husband (they are my two rocks throughout it all) and be even worse (!) and I'll not know how to survive it. This is quickly becoming one of my new obsessive fears. Nice.

One of the other things that always tended to help me deal with my mental issues was my spiritual life, but sadly I'm really struggling these days with my relationship with God. Truly, I'm angry and confused, and don't know what to do with those feelings most of the time. I usually try to bottle those feelings up and just have as much faith as I can muster...but then I come to this place time and time again. I can't ignore my questions and doubts and I come to the end of my faith. I just fall apart, and honestly every time I eventually find my way back, but during the lull I feel so lost and alone. Why is this so hard?

Phew. I'm kinda coughing up everything all in one psychotic post! Believe it or not, this is seriously just the tip of the iceberg of my mental illness. The good news is that I am actually feeling better after getting this little bit of it off of my chest! It's now 2:21 in the morning, but these days I'm quite familiar with being wide awake at this hour. I'm just happy that sleep tonight even seems like a possibility to me hour ago I wasn't so sure.

So look...I'm aware that this is showing WAY more of my mess than I've exposed here in the past and I'm not going to edit it for now...perhaps with daylight I'll come to my senses and delete it, perhaps not. What difference does it really make, anyway?

Here's the thing:
1. I'm greatly flawed. Screwed up, even.
2. I'm pretty isolated in my life and don't really have many friends.
3. I can't afford therapy and I'm dealing with this non-medicated.

Those things all added up mean that I need an outlet from time to time, so if it ends up here, who am I to care? Sometimes I get tired of hiding the mess, sometimes I just plain need to blurt it all out. This? Was a bit of a blurt, I'd say. Whatever. I need sleep, obviously. :-)

Monday, June 21, 2010


Once upon a time I had a blog that WASN'T about food, exercise, and losing weight. I talked about my life, homeschooling my kid, my struggles, and my joys. Even politics. I ranted, I raved, I vented many grievances. Sometimes (oftentimes!) I even talked about nothing at all.

I made lots of friends, people I would never meet in 'real' life but who became a part of my life nonetheless. We bonded in the oddest ways and it was good...until it wasn't.

As time went on, I found myself sharing less and less of myself there, and I have no idea why. I didn't really have a bad experience, I just felt the need to move on...and so I did. Just deleted the blog one day and since then I've been completely without regret.

For the past year or so, I've had this little blog. It has been all about my struggle to lose some excess weight and keep it off...boring but helpful to me as I went along. Again, I met new people (although far fewer than the first time around) and shared a tiny bit of myself whenever the mood hit...which is also much less than the first time around. It has served it's purpose, this blog, and I've decided that instead of deleting it, I'm going to keep it around...but expand it a bit.

No longer will I feel driven to only post about my diet or exercise or (more often) the lack thereof. If I feel like posting about my favorite television show, a funny trip to the grocery store, something I read in the news, whatever...I shall. Does that mean I'll post more often? No idea. I'd love to say yes, but I know myself well! Does this mean that this blog will be as exhaustive as my original blog was at one time? Not even close.

I'll most likely continue to NOT post about my daughter or husband much, simply because I began to feel like I was sharing too much on the other blog and perhaps as my daughter gets older she won't be appreciative of her life being discussed online!

I'll most likely not be as political or controversial as I once was, because I've moved on from that place in my life. I've learned that the less I concern myself with such things, the better. I suppose in a way I'm the person I used to be so frustrated with -- bury my head in the sand and hope things will all work out -- but I have enough stress in my life, thankyouverymuch! Although I do occasionally still discuss those things with dear Hubby, I've no desire to share my opinions with others these days.

So anyway, just the heads up in case anyone cares. :-)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My Summer so far

So I just spent the better part of two weeks in bed! My daughter passed a cold virus on to me and after the first two/three days it turned into something much more sinister...most likely bronchitis. Ugh. I was so sick! The worst part was the fact that I completely stopped sleeping at night, for eleven nights in a row, because I was coughing and choking and hacking nonstop every time I even came close to laying down.

One of the symptoms was a serious lack of appetite so you'd think I'd have dropped a bunch of weight, but sadly the little bit of food I was eating was pretty much all junk food...chips, tons of ice cream, peanut butter...not to mention that I was absolutely sedentary that entire two weeks, so it all kinda evened out. I am weighing in around 119-120 right now, but I expect that as I start eating more again I'll bounce back up again.

Then there was the isolation and loneliness! My daughter spent half of the first week sick right along with me, but her dad entertained her over the weekend and the entire second week she was gone with church activities from 8am to 9pm each I was all alone. (Can you hear the violins?) Hubby was avoiding me completely the whole sickness, trying desperately to stay healthy himself, and I don't blame him. We certainly can't afford for him to miss any work right now! was just me, my humidifier, the tv, and the internet. BORING. So seriously mindnumbingly boring. I'm pretty sure I'm dumber now than I was two weeks ago. ;-)

I watched the movie 'Australia' one night and wow, what a bad movie! I also watched 'Vanity Fair' with Reese Witherspoon (who I just love) and it was a bit better, but not great. (I have no idea why I'm sharing all this info with you...) There was a Law and Order marathon one day, a House marathon another. At one point I had nearly emptied the Tivo, which is unheard of around here. Truthfully, most of the days are just a feverish blur of nothingness, laying there refreshing facebook and my email every five minutes, desperate for a link to the real world...

Honestly, I think I kinda (just slightly) crossed into the insanity part of not sleeping a few times. A few times I became convinced I'd just never sleep again (and truthfully I'm still worried I won't sleep without Nyquil again!) and that I'd never, ever get better. I remember vividly one night at 4-ish in the morning thinking that life as I knew it was over. Dra-ma. ;-)

Hubby did a great job of keeping the house (relatively) cleaned up and dishes done. He even did a couple of loads of laundry for me! He kept the freezer stocked with ice cream and popsicles, made tons of trips to the pharmacy for me -- including one at 2:00 in the morning -- and stopped at the store more times than I can count. He is a good and patient man. Oh, and I finally got a full on hug from him this morning, although he still hasn't given me any kisses yet. Makes me laugh because usually I am the freaky germaphobe in the family! :-)

The worst part of the whole situation is that I feel like a big chunk of summer was stolen from me! I mean, one day it is the fifth of June and the next thing I know it's June 18th! What the heck?! Not fair one bit!

So...that's my Summer so far. Pity party much? LOL. I hope yours has been MUCH better...honestly, it HAS to have been!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Little changes add up...right?

When I first started really trying to lose weight I decided to make small changes instead of big ones. For example, I didn't start working out two hours a day and cutting whole food groups like carbs completely out of my diet...I knew I couldn't maintain those things for very long!

So, I simply traded my sweet snack of choice at the time (Peanut m&m's) for 100 calorie packs and dark chocolate Hershey kisses. I traded my afternoon chip-fest for string cheese, almonds, and yogurt. I traded huge, overflowing plates (and seconds) at dinner for smaller plates and no seconds. I added fruits and veggies. I cut back on butter and cheese.

Small changes...but ones that led to weight loss over time. No quick fix. No drastic measures. Some of my changes were harder than others, and sometimes I wondered if they were making any difference, but eventually I saw the benefits.

So lately I wondered if this strategy would work in other areas of my life as well. At the grocery store, for example. Our food budget is much smaller these days than it used to be and I'm finding ways to make small changes that will hopefully add up to savings. Clipping coupons. Switching from bottled water to tap. Switching to frozen concentrated OJ. Cutting back on my daily coffee and switching to a cheaper brand. Using rags and dish towels instead of paper towels. Reducing the amount of side dishes I make. No more 100 calorie packs...except for the almonds because they are just worth it. (For real.) No more microwave meals for lunch. (That one is HARD!) There are more, but you get the idea.

Small changes, that will hopefully add up to make a difference.

Okay, so how about even MORE using this strategy to change my attitude? For example, using silence more often. Last night I was feeling grumpy and wanted to be rude to my husband, but instead I kinda just made a small decision to be silent for a bit. Now, this isn't a perfect solution (I could have just been NICE to hubby despite my feelings) but these are SMALL, baby steps...that's the point! I've been trying to make the small change of picking one thing to be thankful for when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Things like that, I'm sure I'll think of a thousand more!

So...I guess the point of this post is that maybe we'd all be better off focusing on the small things we can change instead of the big ones that overwhelm us. It takes longer to see real change perhaps, but it's better than attempting to do an instant, complete, dramatic self-makeover and failing miserably over and over and over again!

Or am I the only one who does that? :-)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Weight today: 122.2

Still holding steady, although I'm not by any means watching what I eat enough, or exercising at all. I'm a HUGE slacker! I've started letting myself buy treats (um, junk) at the grocery store...which breaks my number one rule: the battle is won or lost at the grocery store. Um, yeah. It holds true, and I've been losing the battle lately!

So I informed Hubby last night that I have to put the breaks on all of the ice cream, Dorito's, ect. that have been finding themselves at home in our cart lately. I just have no will power when the bad alternatives are there in the kitchen waiting for me! Thankfully (hopefully!) I've caught this before I had a big gain.

Although, there was technically a gain this month if I'm being honest. Earlier this month I had dropped a couple more pounds, even weighing in under 120 one day and holding steady at 120 for about a week...but then the junk food buying spree happened and I'm back up those two pounds. So, my maintenance weight held steady but the two pound loss I was working on keeping is out the window. Oh well! Perhaps this month?

Thanks for the kind words after that last post, by the way. I was trying to get thoughts onto 'paper' so to speak and it kinda came out all pathetic, but it is what it is. ;-)

Hope that everyone is doing well and enjoying the Spring/Summer weather! It's the perfect time of year for weight loss...nice weather to exercise outside, awesome fruits and veggies to enjoy, and the incentive to look good in a tank top! :-)