Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Grumpy and stressed but still here

Yeah, I've been gone awhile again. Here's the thing...if I posted regularly all my blog posts would be the same thing: struggling, depressed, hopeless, wait! I feel a ray of hope, nope, it's gone, hopeless again, eating, not working out, stressed, worked out!, ate ice cream afterward, jeans tight, why even try, bored, bored, nothing going on, something happened that is bad, something else bad, woe is me, bored again, stressed...

See what I mean? Who wants to read that garbage? So I just don't post and after awhile I forget this little blog exists. Sorry.

Updates. Well, down cycles galore, obviously, helped along by some inadvertent hurtful comments made by my two sisters. (Another post, perhaps) Stress out the you-know-where, thanks to a major schooling decision that needs to be made for my daughter for next year, and non-stop wondering of what I'll do if I'm not homeschooling anymore. (PANIC!) Yet more stress, due to an almost comical series of everything falling apart at once: my van breaking down YET AGAIN only now it is in two different areas at the same time, our sewage system keeps backing up YET AGAIN and obviously in need of major (and crazy expensive) repairs, and our roof sprung a new and rather impressive leak during the 2nd rainiest November ever!

(UGH. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can surely make life a bit easier, I dare say!)

Surprisingly, I'm not really freaking out. Oh, I don't feel GOOD about any of this junk, but I guess all of the hard times over the years have smoothed out my rough edges just a hair. Enough that I just keep plugging away without the ugly panic attack that used to accompany each event I mentioned above. Now? I pick up the phone, call Hubby, and find a way to deal. Hm. Guess God really is using the bad stuff to bring out some good. Whatdoyaknow! ;-)

As for weight stuff, I'm still holding around 130. I have good days and bad ones, nothing terribly consistent yet, which is hindering my progress for sure. At least I feel like I've stopped the upward climb, so there's that. I'm actually suspicious that I might have an ongoing thyroid issue, which I will get checked out after the first of the year. In the meantime, I know I have to at least force myself to walk everyday, which has actually gotten to be a struggle. I don't know what on earth is happening to my joints, specifically my right hip, but something is NOT right there and I'm having a lot of pain and some days I struggle getting around. You know what? Getting old stinks!

This is just a wonderfully uplifting post, is it not? (Um, NOT) See why I stay away? I'm just so grumpy! I will add a couple of GOOD things going on right now. This month we finished paying for the kiddo's braces! What a blessing that is, let me tell you. And right now I'm working on an online Bible study over the book of James and it has really been like a warm blanket around my shoulders. Despite all my struggles with church life, there's still a connection to God that I SO need right now. So yay for blessings amidst the storms. :)

Well, I just wanted to pop in and say hey, and now I'll be on my way. Maybe I'll be back soon, maybe not. Just in case I'm not back soon: MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Monday, October 24, 2011

Quick update

Sorry guys. I'm still all messed up, now firmly entrenched in a down cycle. Ugh. All the negative thoughts and hopelessness that goes along will it can wear you out, let me tell you! I thought if I could get through my monthly time that it would get better, but nope, still here. SO, now my plan is just to try to walk on the treadmill a few times this week and see if the exercise will act as a natural antidepressant. Fingers crossed.

Speaking of treadmill and needing to walk on it...I weighed in on Sunday and wow. I'm officially up 10 pounds! I have GOT to get a handle on my snacking. My meals aren't really that big of a problem for the most part, but I've definitely become a snack monster the past 3 or 4 months and it has certainly contributed to that ten pounds. I MUST try to get a grip. Truthfully, I'm not feeling 100% motivated to go back to counting calories or anything that drastic, but if I don't turn this around again soon, I'm going to have to do it because some of my clothes are not fitting right anymore! I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last month.

I know what to it's time to actually do it, which is frankly the hard part, isn't it? Sadly, being in a down cycle means I want to fill up on comfort food all day long, so I'm fighting an uphill battle right now honestly. I keep telling myself at least my diet/exercise is perhaps the one thing in my life I can sort of control, so there's that, right?

Well, that's where I am right now, in a nutshell.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Time out

I have really been trying to post regularly again, but sadly I've hit a bit of an emotional down cycle right now and it's given me blog-block. I just some really crappy life circumstances that seemingly will never end and I'm feeling absolutely tormented by the whole thing right now. It's so hard to think of stuff to write here about, since I'm spending a great deal of time and effort just trying to plow through this (once again!) without imploding.

Please, please whisper a prayer for me, if you're so inclined. Oh, I know that I'll
eventually bounce back emotionally, but there's this part inside of me that I can feel dying and it is breaking my heart. Not to mention the life circumstances at the root of this problem desperately need to change, and it is abundantly clear that it will take nothing less than God's intervention. I am powerless and I feel so, so hopeless.

By the way, I disabled comments on this post, because I'm so not trolling for attention or trying to stir up drama. I just need to know someone is taking up this battle with me, even for a second. I have no one in 'real' life' where I live that I can turn to when I need support, so coming here and asking for your prayers is such a big thing. I really hope you know how much you guys mean to me.

Be back soon...

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Remembering how to lose properly

Sorry I haven't been posting much this week, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. It's a weird sinus nose isn't really that congested but my entire face and one side of my jaw hurts so bad that its really distracting, and I just feel pretty yucky overall. At any rate, I've been just laying low most of the week, only doing the bare minimum to get through each day. (No, workouts have not made that cut. Sorry, but being upright hurts!)

The only thing new this week is that my daughter's volleyball team finally lost a game on Tuesday (they were like 9-0 before that) and it was so upsetting for her! She cried off and on for like 2-3 hours, it was so sad. She so wanted to get through the season with a perfect record. She spent hours picking apart her own game, even though the few mistakes she made weren't the reason they lost. She made herself miserable instead of just realizing losses happen and moving forward.

I was really surprised to find that I wasn't too upset over the loss. Her team used to be so bad that they only won one game the first year, but they've improved so much over the past couple of years that now they've forgotten how to lose. In their minds, they became invincible. Me? I think balance is good. Losing means learning to properly deal with disappointment and it also adds a nice, healthy dose of humility.

Hmmmm. Betcha that can translate over to our lives, right? It's no secret that I often struggle because of God not answering our prayers and therefore allowing both big and small losses in our lives....but then I remember that when everything is awesome we tend to cruise along on 'us' power. We forget how helpless and dependent on God we really are! We sometimes lose our humility and our focus turns to the physical instead of the spiritual. We forget we're in a battle. We forget there is more to life than what we can see.

So, perhaps we need to be thankful for the losses in life, even though they definitely don't feel good and they tend to make us cry. Balance is good, and God surely knows that better than we do. Of course, this only works when we allow the loss to turn our attention back to God. Spending too much time focusing on ourselves (like my daughter was doing) only adds to the misery and replays the loss over and over in our heads.

Well, what do you know? Even through the grossness and inactivity of my week, God taught me a little lesson. So tell me...are there any losses recently in your life that have turned out to be blessings in disguise?

Monday, October 3, 2011

Weekend in review, cause I've got nothing else!

Well, I am officially the parent of a daughter turned 13 on Friday. I like to tease her that it doesn't feel any different to be a teenager to her, simply because she's been acting the part for years! :)

It was a quiet weekend for the most part. We took the birthday girl to dinner Friday at Red Robin (I didn't get my own meal, just shared a bit of each of theirs) and went shopping for boots, her requested gift from us. She ended up finding some really cute ones at Kohls, which is one of my favorite stores but not the cheapest place in the world! I almost got sucked in to shopping myself, but luckily the hour was late so I came home empty handed. I seriously need to drag myself off to the second hand store soon though, to rid myself of this fall-clothes shopping bug! :)

On Saturday my mom came for a visit (yay!) and we went to the kiddo's volleyball game (they're still undefeated, but it was a super-close call!), out to lunch at Panera (I didn't do very good there, so moving on...), and then shopping once again! Saturday night my husband and kiddo went out of town to see my bro-in-law and his kids, but I stayed home and had a quiet evening to myself. There wasn't really any food in the house so I totally skipped dinner, but then proceeded to eat almost an entire bag of baked Lays later. When will I learn to keep the house stocked with good food and not to let myself get that hungry? Sigh.

Sunday morning there was a bit (okay, a lot) of mama-induced ugly drama (I was oddly super-hormonal feeling but it isn't at the right time of the month...peri-menopause rearing it's ugly head again, perhaps?) and I ended up staying home from church. After some quiet time, a few apologies, and a Chinese food lunch (kid sized, I'm making an effort), I was back on track though! The rest of the day was spent at home waiting for craigslist people who never showed (for FREE stuff...really, people?) and Hubs painted a new (to us, that is) dresser for the kiddo. (It turned out so amazing, by the way! Crazy what ten bucks worth of spray paint can do to a $30 dresser.)

Sadly, I didn't do my normal Sunday afternoon grocery run though, so now the cupboards are bare and that doesn't bode well for healthy eating until I finally do drag myself shopping. Not that it matters much, with two volleyball games (Tues and Thurs) and also church on Wednesday, we will rarely be eating home cooking this week. This schedule is killing my diet. Thankfully, it'll all be done in a month, and then I vow to get the healthy home cooking back to normal. Nothing like two months of scarfing junk food in the car to make you crave baked chicken and salads! :)

The sun is out finally after a couple of weeks of raining almost non-stop, so it's time to get the bikes out and go enjoy some exercise mixed with the beautiful fall colors! I'm so looking forward to it, if only we can find the time. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and can find time to enjoy the fall weather this week, too!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Random weigh in

Because I'm having a hard time remembering when to weigh in, I did a random one this morning and I think I'll just do random weigh ins for awhile and see how it goes. Why not, right? :)

My weight is still basically the same as it was earlier this surprise there. You see, I've recently discovered these cheap mini-chocolate chip cookies that I love from the dollar store and also these things called Cheese-it Duos that really rocked my world. Binge city, baby. Oh, and this week was PMS week around these parts and I haven't worked out once. I suck as a weight loss blogger.

Oh well. Moving on. :)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Missing the mark

So, I was poking around the internet the last couple of days, just looking for opinions on Harry Potter (yep, still not decided on that) and I must say that I am extremely surprised by how many things I do or believe that certain websites and/or bloggers say will send me straight to hell. Oh, I've always known I'm not a cookie-cutter Christian, but now I'm just flat shocked my own heathen-ness! :)

For example, we have a Christmas tree. Every single year! And, we decorate it and everything. Oh, and are you ready for this one? We used to take our daughter trick or treating. And we even passed out candy...ON HALLOWEEN of all nights!

We own a TV. (Okay, okay, we own several TVs, you got me!) My husband and I sometimes watch rated R movies after the kiddo has gone to bed. We listen to secular music in the car sometimes, you know, when we get tired of hearing the same 15 songs on kLove. We even think partaking in a bit of an alcoholic beverage every now and then is okay. (Am I losing you yet?)

We go to church on Sundays and not Saturdays, which is apparently the true sabbath day. (Oops!) We don't read the King James version of the Bible. (Okay, my hubby does, but he's a freak like that.) I even read The Message version sometimes!

We let our daughter swim with boys. We don't homeschool with a Christian curriculum. We are even considering pubic school! We don't wear dresses everyday or cover our heads with a scarf. We don't believe all Catholics automatically go straight to hell. Or all liberals. We don't believe Obama is the anti-christ, even if we don't like his policies very much.

We use contraception. We only have one child. (On purpose!) I don't read my Bible everyday. I sometimes eat without remembering to pray first. I laugh at mildly inappropriate jokes on the internet. I haven't read the Left Behind book series. I don't forward chain emails of any kind...especially ones with 'messages from God' in them.

We don't go door to door evangelizing and we don't picket abortion clinics. I don't hate gay people. Every once in a while my husband buys me a dollar scratch off lottery ticket while he's paying for gas...just because he gets a kick out of me furiously scratching it off and hoping I win. (I never have. Coincidence? I think not!)

I think it is perfectly fine for a Christian to have a tattoo and even a body piercing. Just not me. Cause I am really not a fan of pain.

We skip church every few months. Our daughter doesn't go to Sunday school class very often. I sometimes even wear flip flops to church. (Don't freak out...they are my 'fancy' flip flops!)

Yeah, I'm having a bit of fun with all of this but it all seriousness...these are things I've read online that some say make me a HORRIBLE Christian, if I am even a Christian at all. Can I tell you something? Reading those things honestly doesn't inspire me to try harder to meet the standard...they inspire me to give up trying at all! Why do we continually place so many hardships onto those trying to follow God the best way they know how?

I truly hope I haven't offended you or made you feel silly if you feel strongly about any of the things I mentioned. If you hold tight to those beliefs, then good for you! I'm not in any way trying to talk you out of what you believe. Holding tight to your convictions is a good thing, and it isn't my intention to take that away from you.

What I'm trying to say here is that I'm sure that I'm doing a bunch of stuff that God isn't too impressed with most days. Things that add zero value or virtue to my life. I'm not anywhere even remotely close to doing this thing called Christianity right. Truth be told, most days I'm barely making it through this life in one piece, just trying desperately to hold onto God in the midst of one trial or another. If I'm missing the mark on the details, and I'm sure I am, I'm hoping beyond hope that He forgives me and understands.

If not, I have a LOT of explaining to do. :)

Monday, September 26, 2011

Harry Potter...yes or no?

Question: What are your thoughts on the Harry Potter books?

I am just finishing up the first book in the series to see if I think it's appropriate for my almost 13 year old daughter, and frankly, I was surprised at how much I liked it. I didn't think the magic was any worse than any other fantasy book out there...but honestly I don't know if I trust my own judgment on this, because I tend to not be super-strict about this sort of thing. I keep thinking of how I watched Bewitched as a child (even though I was very sheltered from many other things such as secular music, ect) and I turned out just fine...

So, I'm just coming to you guys for your opinions and/or advice. Have you read the books? Have you let your kids read the books, and if so, at what ages? Why or why not?

Friday, September 23, 2011

Fitness update

Just a quick update on the diet and weight loss side of things.

Nothing has changed.

How's that for a quick update? :)

Treadmill only twice this week, but they were both good workouts. If we don't go to the drive-in tonight I might get a workout in, if not I'll grab one tomorrow between football games. Diet is still both good and bad. Far too many carbs, I'll tell you that. I am starting to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth again...but sadly there are times when I just don't care. My clothes still fit, so there's that, but they are admittedly getting a bit, um, snug. Now that jeans are back, I have no choice but to drop five to ten pounds so they aren't so tight that they hurt a bit when I sit down! :)

All in all, I think I'm heading in the right direction. Oh, I'm not back to the grind just yet but I am clawing my way back to the mindset, and sometimes that is half the battle!

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Churches, past and present

I want to take a mintute to just say that I really do love my current church. In the comments of previous posts I tried to clear this up a bit, because I think I implied at some point that I hate going to church, but that isn't really what I meant. My problems with American Christianity come mostly from personal experience in two past churches and a LOT of mainstream television/book preachers. My own church isn't perfect of course, but for the most part it is awesome and I am happy there.

When I was speaking of the American version of Christianity, or the church of 'me' as I sometimes say, what I meant was the theology you hear a lot these days: that God exists to serve us, to make us happy and make our lives easy. Even though no one really comes out and says it like this, it's pretty much taught that we pray to give God His marching orders and He does what we tell Him to do. You know, like a genie in a bottle, He is there to do our bidding. The message you hear often is that God wants us to be rich! God wants us all to have fancy cars and better jobs, and a nice McMansion on a hill...we never have to be sick, we never need to struggle, even the best parking spots will be ours...all we need to do us plug into God!

Can you hear the voice of a certain TV pastor saying all of these things? Not naming names...but maybe you know who I'm thinking of...

Sigh. I could go on and on about the various things taught and those who are teaching it. The TV pastors aren't even as bad as our old churches were, however. They taught if you pray the right prayers (over time even getting to the point of saying you don't actually ask God, you just remind Him of His promises and TELL Him to deliver on them...if you actually 'ask' then it shows a lack of faith), if you have the right amount of faith (because even the slightest doubt means no goodies for you!), if you are in the right church (which was theirs, of course), if you speak aloud the right scriptures over yourself and your life (very magical, almost incantation type stuff), if you worship with the right amount of volume and intensity...then God will HAVE TO bless you and give you this almost perfect life. You'll be the head and not the tail. Above and not beneath. The windows of heaven open with blessings ($$$) pouring down. All you had to do was figure out the right 'formula' for spiritual success and all this can be yours!

Ugh. There is so much more, but you get the idea, I think.

Even though I've been out of that mess for a couple of years now, I am frankly still so messed up by it all. I was so brainwashed that I still cringe when I say the word 'sick' out loud, for fear of bringing the curse of sickness onto myself. (Yes, they believe that. If you say "I have supernatural health" despite how you feel, you will be healthy. If you say "I feel a bit sick" then you'll be sick. How did I not see the witchcraft of it all?) The entire message of these churches is what God will DO for you and that if you struggle or have any hardships, well, then YOU did something wrong. (How did I miss the many verses that say we WILL have troubles?) A real Christian who has real faith should simply be rich, healthy, constantly full of joy and peace, and that was that.

Mind you, they even have scriptures to back their message up (mostly taken completely out of context, I now know) which really makes the Bible hard to read even after you stop believing the way they do! I still to this day find myself filtering my Bible reading through their theology and it is infuriating. Especially when I see that, in context, these verses sometimes mean the complete opposite of what I was taught! One day I'll blog about this specifically. You'd be shocked at how they twist and distort the Word of God.

Sigh. This is getting too long. Maybe I shouldn't try to say this all at once.

Basically what I want is a Christianity that focuses on not only seeking God Himself (and not just what He can do for me) but also on how I can best serve HIM. Helping others, placing their needs above my own, sacrificial living, not trying to have the most prosperous material life, but the most prosperous spiritual life. Not treating hardships as un-christian, but realizing they are actually a big part of actually being a Christian! Mindfully humbling myself instead of trying to exalt myself and my needs. Making prayer about a relationship instead of a laundry list of wants and commands.

This is probably something so obvious to you, because you are all already practicing this Christianity, but it something I am struggling to find, mostly due to all those years of false teaching and self-serving gospel. The biggest key is that I have to somehow find a balance. My default since leaving those churches has been to go to the far opposite extreme of what I was taught, which has resulted in a complete failure to have any faith in God to move at all on my behalf. I've been afraid of asking Him for anything, for fear of either 'using' God or being disappointed by Him not moving on my behalf at all.

You see, the theology of 'THY will be done' is something I was never really taught, so I'm having to find my way to it myself. Sovereignty is another message they stayed far away from, as it doesn't fit with the 'my faith and my words decide what God will do in my life' message. That's why when things don't go the way I think they should spirituality suffers. I was taught that since God's word says we are healed, then by-golly if I 'speak' healing over my body GOD WILL HAVE TO HEAL IT. Unanswered prayers have no place in this theology.

Why can't I seem to wrap this up already? The biggest thing I wanted to say was that my current church is not the one messing me up. Sure, there are a couple of areas in which my beliefs differ from the beliefs of my church, but nothing major. They teach the Bible in context, the praise and worship is genuine and spirit-filled, the vision of the church very outward and missions based, they don't teach that God is going to give you a perfect strife-free life or that you simply need to 'speak' a truth into existence and then God is obligated to move on your behalf. They are helping me...but my deep distrust of all things religion just creeps up every now and then and I start to wonder if doing it on my own would be safer. I think with time and a lot more de-programing, I'll be just fine.

Okay, I'm stopping now. I still have more to say, but for goodness sakes this is long. Sorry to go on and on! I'm sure I didn't explain certain things right and I'm sure I'll end up having to clarify, but for now, this is it. Phew.

One more thing. I know that there's a good chance that some of you believe some of the things I scoff at or call false teaching in this post. Please know that I am very much on a journey here. I haven't even come close to figuring any of this out yet. I am probably wrong on way more things than I am right! Bear with me and please don't be offended. My intent is not to down-talk anyone's beliefs or talk anyone out of a certain theology. This is about MY journey and nothing else.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Monday Miscellaneous

Saw this quote tonight and wow...I love it. 

"We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."  C.S. Lewis

After reading some of his quotes, I'm thinking I'll be sharing some of them from time to time. He was a very wise man!  

I'm doing a bit better, by the way. Church on Sunday helped a lot. The topic was sad that I've let that concept get so far away from me! I actually wrote a really long post Sunday night, but haven't finished it yet, so, whatever. Basically, I was saying that my church issues stem mostly from old churches, not my current one. There is a lot to it, so hopefully I'll go back and finish that post soon. 

What else? Oh dear, was I a serious grouch today. PMS, unresolved issues, and homeschool stresses equaled a very growl-y mama bear today. I so hate that! I try to make up for it later with lots of love and fun and pink cupcakes...but still. Mean mama days stink. 

Oh, and it isn't even October and I'm already getting winter hands! Does anyone know what I'm talking about? Like, they are so dry my ring won't sit still. It goes round and round and upside down. What? You have no idea what I'm talking about? No really, am I the only one?  Sigh. Time to lotion up every five minutes. (It isn't even October!!)

Okay, so that's all for now. Got dishes to do and cupcakes to eat. :)

Friday, September 16, 2011


Spent a bit of time in prayer, just asking for God to grab me and hold on tight. Show me. Teach me. Help me. But most of all, hold me.

Read an online devotional that was so spot on, it's scary. Helped. A little.

Yesterday brought a panic attack for unrelated issues. Still feeling off today. How I wish this part of me would just get better. I hate who it makes me. I hate the thoughts that aren't mine. I hate feeling that dark.

Thought: I'm not sure anymore that I can be a Christian AND go to church. Weird, but I'm contemplating it nonetheless. So much of modern day American Christianity seems very wrong to me, and the farther I get from the mindset that surrounds it, the closer to God I sometimes feel.

Avoiding another outing with my family tonight. Feeling very alone.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

One step forward...a million steps back

Sigh. Warning to you all: this is an ugly, possibly even sacrilegious post. I'm trying to edit myself a bit, but even the edited version is pretty bad. Proceed at your own risk.

I'm glad I waited until today to write this, because frankly I was so upset last night I'd probably have posted gibberish and possibly even some words that would make you want to avert your eyes. However, waiting means that while my thoughts are (a bit) clearer, they've also been numbed and I'm not sure I'll be able to even post what's really on my mind. It feels like my thoughts are surrounded by a thick layer of cotton (thank you self-defense mechanism) and now I'm barely able to latch onto them to get them into words articulately.

Nothing major is wrong in my life, no worries there. Well, that's not exactly true, but compared to so many people, I'm doing just fine. No, the problem is with a few of the blogs I've read regularly for ages, tragedies I don't understand, and unanswered prayers. The one step forward a million steps back? That's me, spiritually speaking. I do NOT get God, and I'm lost. Simply lost.

It has been brewing in me for quite awhile, but exploded last night when I read of the loss of the12 year old son of a blogger I have read for ages. Always, death hurts worse when it's sudden and completely unexpected, and couple that with the fact that he was my daughters age and, well, I lose it totally. Very close to home, know what I mean? Last night when I read of the tragedy I literally sobbed off and on for hours and raged against God. I was devastated. Not because I knew him, I didn't. Never met his blogger mom either. No, I was devastated because I know that the family is Christian, in actions and not just words. I know they've probably prayed multitudes of times for their son's safety and protection. Yet, he died anyway. Drowned.

Why? Why were their prayers discarded, unanswered? Oh, I know the right words to say. God's plan. Sovereignty. Bigger picture. But still, it begs the question: why do we pray at all then?

What about the promises of answered prayer in the Bible? If God already has a set plan, what's the use asking Him for anything? Either it's in the plan or it isn't. We don't get a say, apparently.

And how do I ask God to heal a cold or help me make a decision, when I know He's letting little Ashley (another blog) suffer, despite the prayers of thousands? Other blogs I read: Emerson, Sara, Heather, Jonah, to name just a many prayers being prayed for all of them, yet still so much suffering, unbelievable pain, and death. I know each of these people are being prayed over diligently by hundreds, if not thousands, yet they continue to suffer do I find the faith within myself that somehow God is going to find ME worthy of answered prayer? How do I trust Him to save me from my afflictions, when He obviously isn't doing that for them?

Please understand, I know how this sounds and I know all the stock answers, but I just don't care right now, I just don't. I don't see God answering prayers, I just see Him letting everyone down. And you know what? If that's who He is, a God who is sovereign who has a plan for us that contains both good and bad, and that He is going to let that plan play out regardless of our pleading and petitions, that is fine. I can get my head around that. BUT. Don't you tell me that He answers prayers of faith and will change His plan accordingly. Because my eyes are telling me differently.

I am angry. SO very angry. So angry in fact that I just deleted a few paragraphs that would probably send any Christians reading this away from my blog forever. I'm just struggling here. I have always struggled with the bigger questions, even as a child, and apparently I always will. Because I'm always questioning, I've never found much faith within myself, to be honest, and I suppose that's why I'm so easily shaken when others aren't. I have also always had an unusually high level of empathy for other people and their situations, and some time ago I realized that's probably a character trait given to me by God, ironically. In situations like this, it almost destroys me. I can hardly breathe.

I can't pray like regular people. Oh, I talked to God last night, if that's what you want to call it. (I yelled at Him for the longest time. Thank goodness I was home alone!) But regular, everyday prayer is so difficult for me. I. DO. NOT. TRUST. GOD. There, I said it. I don't trust Him! How do I pray to Him?

Sorry to put all this yuck out there on you. I really am. I am just so disillusioned, so angry, so hurt. I want to be like other people who trust God through all things, but I am just not. I want to believe He hears and answers prayer, but I just don't right now. And frankly, I'm not sure what to do about any of it. Please know that I don't expect answers from you, I wouldn't put that responsibility onto anyone. Just trying to work through some bone-deep issues here, and it might get ugly. Please, look away if you want to. I wish I could.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Well hello there!

Yes, I am, in fact, alive! I have to admit, I'm not sure if I will continue blogging at this point, especially given the fact that I haven't really missed it after all these months of slacking. However, I decided to give it a go today and see if I end up jumping back in with both feet. If I don't, I promise I'll just let the blog die already. :)

So, what have I been up to the past few months? A whole lot of nothing, honestly! My daughter is turning 13 this month and frankly, her busy schedule has sidelined everything else around here. All summer I was basically her driver, taking her from one activity to the next, but the truth is that I was fine with that. I'm happy that she has so much to keep her busy and it was essentially a quiet, peaceful summer for me.

Then September hit and yikes, we are BOTH super-duper-crazy busy! Besides doing school for 5-6 hours a day we also have multiple church activities every week and multiple volleyball activities every week. We actually had to drop two of her regular school year activities (a homeschool art class and baton) to have a bit of breathing room, but they haven't really been missed so far. (Art was an easy drop since her regular class moved to the other side of town...thank goodness because otherwise we'd have kept it!)

On to my weight and fitness updates...

My weight is holding at 130 right now and that's where it was for most of the summer. That is up 7 pounds from my goal weight, but I'm not super upset about it. Most of my clothes still fit, although digging out my jeans for the sporadic colder temps was a rude awakening! Some of them are a bit snug, to be honest. Wearable, but snug. Here's the thing: I have not been watching my diet even slightly, and that is a problem that most certainly needs to be adjusted! My workouts have been okay over the summer (which is probably why I didn't gain 10 more pounds with all the junk I've been eating!) but the last week or two since we've started back to school they've been non-existent. Time to get back to work!

I'd say the biggest issue with me lately though has been my walk with God, or the lack thereof. I'm a mess spiritually, always have been really, but I've found myself very, very far from God lately. Just ignoring Him mostly, not doing Bible time or prayer time at all, except to give Him a piece of my mind occasionally. :) I'm determined to get back where I need to be, or at least closer to where I need to be. Hubby and I joined a small group at church and I'm also starting a ladies Bible study again this Wednesday (I think) and hopefully they'll both get me back on track. More on this later!

So, that's just an update on me. We'll see if this will be a 'back to blogging' post or end up a 'well, I'm over the blog, see ya' post with time. I'd love to hear updates on any blog friends who still read here (hello? still with me?) in the comments, if you're so inclined!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Knocked down

I've had a horrible headache since Monday afternoon. It has knocked me on my butt and I've gotta tell you, it has completely and totally thrown me into a deep, dark, down cycle. Hard. If anyone would be willing...could you say a little prayer for me? Thank you so much.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Lifestyle choices

So yesterday was a full-on diet disaster. Allow me to walk you through it one bad decision at a time...

I started the day with donut-holes, had Taco Bell with a big cup of Pepsi for lunch, and then after a reasonable dinner (BBQ chicken, corn on the cob, salad) we went out for ice cream. Oh, and no I didn't get a small vanilla that would have been the moderate choice...instead I split a Reese cup blizzard thingy with the hubby. I can't begin to imagine the calories in that!

There was also the Cheese-its and Teddy Grahams I munched on in bed later. WHY??? I wasn't even a bit hungry.

Yikes. That's a lot of bad choices for one day!

Partially it's lifestyle stuff that has creeped in and become part of what I do, without thinking. We like to hit garage sales on summer Saturdays and we always grab a box of Timbits for breakfast. (Those are donut-holes from a coffee place called Tim Hortons...if you don't have them where you live, consider yourself lucky to be spared the temptation!) That is just a BAD lifestyle habit. The Taco Bell? Cheap and filling. For less than eight bucks my whole family gets fed and it's something we all enjoy. Eating cheap on the go is a necessary lifestyle adjustment to spare our tight budget, but I could choose a fresco style taco with a water on the side very easily. Just as cheap, but far fewer calories.

As for the ice cream, I've been much better lately about grabbing a McDonalds cone (only 150 cals) when I get the craving...but last night friends invited us to join them at a different ice cream place and so off we went. I wasn't even craving it, to be honest! (And yes, I could have, and SHOULD have, just talked and not ordered any, but I just felt awkward about it. Terribly lame.)

I have a lot of excuses, don't I? Bad ones, all around. There WAS a time when I made the hard decisions and stuck to my guns and lost weight every week. Obviously I CAN do it, but I'm choosing not to. It IS in my control. Each time I'm allowing my life to dictate my bad choices, I'm deliberately giving up control. WHY do I keep doing this??

The house has good food in it, as I finally went to the grocery Friday afternoon. I know from my past weight loss efforts that I can still eat out if I carefully choose what I can order. I am relatively healthy and able-bodied. I have NO real excuses, if I'm honest with you and with myself. Each bite of food that enters my mouth has to have my permission, and if I continue gaining weight, well, it is frankly on purpose. Oh, I don't want to gain weight, but not one pound goes onto my frame without my participation.

I have always been my worst enemy.

In so many ways.

So. I can decide to lose, or I can decide to gain. But make NO mistake, I decide.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Monthly weigh in

Weight this morning: 128

So, I decided to go back to weekly (Saturday) weigh-ins instead of monthly ones until I hit goal weight again. Seems silly to post a 'maintenance' weight every month when I am no longer maintaining! :)

I'm doing a bit better...starting to believe that I can do it. I bought a couple of good snack options (almonds, baby carrots) but I still haven't completely re-stocked the house with groceries for various reasons (weather too hot, hubs had grocery money, just not feeling it, ect) but I plan on doing it tomorrow. In the meantime, I'm glad to see I'm already headed in the right direction compared to where I was a few days ago (130) and I plan on getting where I need to get.

I'm trying to remind myself that it took me a pretty long time (almost 3 months!) to lose the last ten pounds the first go-around, so I need to stop expecting to lose 10 pounds in a week or two this time around. I've been feeling so much pressure to get back to goal weight each month for my blog weigh-in and frankly letting it derail me each time, so hopefully taking it weekly again and going for small losses, I'll mentally be back in the game.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Enjoying life in the wrong ways

I've been focusing more lately on making a deliberate effort to enjoy my life, mostly due to the fact that my very young step-sister-in-law is dying. She's not just dying, but she's dying a slow, agonizing, torturous death. She's spent the past year inside, away from the world, not able to eat or do much of anything at all. She has three daughters and is only one year older than I am.

So needless to say, it's been on my mind a lot lately. Not only her death, but on my life, and the fact that there are times when I don't really even try to enjoy it. Overall, this is a good thing to reflect on, mainly because it's caused me to step out lately and do things that I may not have without being purposely mindful of it...but it occurred to me today that it is also effecting me in bad ways.

Namely, my eating.

I have been more of the mindset lately to ENJOY my food, relax about what I eat, to just be in the moment...and as a result I am still gaining. I did a peek weigh-in this morning and I am at 130 again. Let me tell you, that just sucks. After maintaining for a year and a half, I am now officially completely off the rails! There is a part of me that feels completely capable of getting back into the groove and dropping ten pounds in no time, but there is also a part of me that just wants to stop thinking about it and enjoy my life (and food) for what it is.

Oh, I know. I could eat healthy and still enjoy life, right? I suppose so, but if I'm being totally feels like no. I'm serious! To ME (and me alone) enjoying my food means not worrying about what it is, how many calories, if it's too fatty or too salty, it's just enjoying the tastes and textures and indulging whenever I please. Cake, ice cream, chips, pizza, pasta, ooey-gooey mac and cheese...well, you know.

Yes, this is an extremely immature, childish way of looking at it. I am aware. I am also aware I could just make up my mind to enjoy these things in moderation, as I've done for the past two years. Yep. I could do it. And I should. But if I'm honest? I just DO. NOT. WANT. TO.

There is a lot more to me gaining weight than this enjoying food thing, by the way. I am in a bit of a down cycle and that makes me eat more, to be sure. I've also been feeling really yucky physically lately and that always drives me to eat (a weird, psychological quirk of mine) but this enjoying life thing is just what was on my mind today. Trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, even when it comes to my eating, and how it is really biting me on my (ever-expanding) butt.

My plan? Well, for one I need to reign in this child in me who is demanding cake and chips 24/7, to start! I am finally going to the grocery store tomorrow to re-stock on good stuff, and that is key. I'm hoping to force my lazy butt onto the treadmill most days next week, even if it's only for a wimpy walk. Up my water. Try to be more active during the day.

(Side note: I'm totally sucked into the Casey Anthony trial. It's streamed live online and it sucks me in every single day! Doesn't do much to encourage daytime activity, let me tell you!)

Sorry that I'm sucking so badly lately and my posts are pathetic, weak, and whiny. I want to be as honest as possible with you all, and it's just not always pretty, know what I mean? Hope you're all enjoying the holiday weekend! :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

On my mind

Just a couple of things on my mind today:

*Being a parent is HARD and getting harder with each passing year. Trying to balance consequences for behavior with my daughter's happiness is a never-ending internal battle for me! I was just so unhappy as a child, and because of that I tend to put too much emphasis on her happiness above all else. Now that she is getting older, I'm realizing that she needs discipline now more than ever, and quite frankly it stinks. How I miss the younger years, when everything was so much simpler!

*The upward trend of my weight continues. I can NOT seem to find my groove again no matter how much I determine to do so. I so need to restock the house with good choices and purge out the bad ones...and find a way to get rid of my constantly ravenous appetite!

*Today I was once again reminded that life, even with God in control, is always going to be a mixture of joy and pain. Always. Pain is not ever going to be out of the picture, and running from it, trying to avoid it, is not an option. God will walk me through the pain but He will not be a magical protection from it, no matter what any fancy tv preacher tries to pass off as truth.

Enough for now...more later. Hoping you're all safe from the storms that are already firing up across the country once again. They have to stop eventually, right??

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Checking in

I have been trying to blog, really I have. I have a ton of drafts that haven't made the cut for various reasons, mostly because I'm afraid of sharing too much of my darkness here. Oh, I know I've shared a bit in the past, but I'm just feeling weird about it these days, for whatever reason.

Bullet points on me lately:

*Lonely. Sometimes it sucks not having any friends. At least, no friends within the 'Hey, let's go get a coffee' range.

*Hormonal. For more days per month than not. Literally, I get maybe a week's relief each month, and this month has been a particularly bad one.

*Undisciplined. Not exercising enough. Eating far too much. Not doing my Bible studies. Not staying on top of laundry. Blah, blah, blah.

*Stressed. About my daughter and her schooling future, mostly. We start 8th grade next year, and I'm at the point where I feel incapable of teaching her. Our school district is NOT acceptable. Looking into options is scary, because we have no clear feeling on which way to go from here. I spend WAY too much time worrying about this lately.

I could go on, but that's enough for now. I have so much I wish I could say (hence the many unpublished blog posts I've written!) but maybe it's all for another time. Hopefully the sun will come out soon (it has been raining almost non-stop here for the past two kidding) and once that happens perhaps I'll bounce back!

I truly hope you are all doing well and having a wonderful spring...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Moving along...

So, I have kinda, sorta, in a way, partially pulled it together. A bit. :)

That sounds super wimpy, but it's all I've got right now so I'm hanging on with both hands to the little accomplishments. My biggest struggle these days seems to be portion control, and I'm still having a hard time with that. Last night I made chicken enchiladas for dinner, which sounds diet-bad but I make them relatively low-cal. I had a nice salad on the side and a reasonable portion of mexican rice. All in all, not too shabby...until I caved and had a second enchilada. And then half of a third. And a ton of chips and salsa.


But, I didn't eat anything after dinner, so there's a small victory. One thing I've decided is to give up jelly beans for the entire month of May. (Side note: I have become seriously addicted to Jelly Belly beans. Like, going to Anderson's to get a big bag of bulk Jelly Belly's at least once a week for the past few weeks, and then eating them all within 24 hours. It's a sad but delicious addiction that is NOT helping.)

So my husband thinks he's temporarily fixed the least good enough for me to use it without using the incline feature that I've been loving later today I'm going to do a nice run/walk. Just the thought of working out again gives me hope that I'll be able to jump back where I need to be soon. My goal for May is the same as it was for April, getting back under the magic number of 125 again...and then hopefully this summer I'll be able to finally reach my ultimate goal of 120, but we'll see. One thing at a time, Missy. One thing at a time. :)

Side note number two: getting back in the groove is so much harder than just living in the groove. Why can't I just stop being so stubborn and insisting on eating junk like a spoiled child? And why oh why must bad food taste sooooo good? WHY CAN'T BROCCOLI TASTE LIKE ICE CREAM?!?! We can put a man on the moon, but we can't make veggies chocolate flavored? ;-)

Monday, May 2, 2011

Weigh in day

Need I even say more?
Now you know why I have been avoiding the blog.
My treadmill is broken again and it will NOT stop raining. (Not making excuses...the gain is from eating junk, trust me. Just venting.)
UGH. I must get it together again, or I am in big trouble.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

The week so far

It has been a very odd week around here, let me tell you. Spring break from school (which we are fully embracing, for once) and an oral surgery for my daughter have completely disrupted our regular schedule. It is both nice and oddly disconcerting, but I am trying desperately to just go with the flow.

Monday was a complete nothing day. The weather was terribly gray and rainy, so we had us a movie marathon day! I managed to do a few loads of laundry in between dvds, and that was that. :)

Tuesday was a bit nicer, although it still hasn't warmed up to spring level temperatures quite yet, so we decided to get out of the house. My daughter went to her weekly art class and then we decided to stock up on books and movies at the library for the inevitable days on the sofa that Wednesdays surgery would bring. We also spent some time at Panera for coffee and cocoa (and maybe a brownie to share), then we were off to TJ Maxx for Easter dress shopping. We did find one but after seeing it on her that evening with shoes, her daddy and I think it might just be on the short side. (She is all legs, that daughter of mine, and it makes most dresses seem so short!)

Wednesday morning was the surgery, which we decided earlier in the week should be called a 'procedure' because it is much less intimidating. Our princess has had braces for the past year and a half, and this surgery is part of that whole process, exposing and attaching chains to some teeth that need pulled forward. They didn't have to completely knock her out (although she'd have much preferred that, honestly!) but it was apparently quite the ordeal, with them almost having to rip apart the entire roof of her mouth! In the end, they sent her home with a mouthful of gauze and a prescription for Vicadin.

Poor baby was a mess for a few hours, but God blessed her with very little pain as the day progressed. We ended up only giving her Tylenol (I didn't want to drug my 12 year old on narcotics unless absolutely necessary!) and she did just fine. So far this morning, she hasn't even needed the Tylenol at all! She is a trooper, that's for sure. She's even eating lots of soft foods: mashed up peas, mashed up mac and cheese, yogurt, ice cream, scrambled eggs, and oatmeal. It does this mama's heart good to see her with a good appetite so soon!

And that brings us to today. So far, we are watching Anne of Green Gables (the kiddo just finished the book a couple of weeks ago and she loved it, just like her mama!) and lounging around in our pajamas. I will most likely get some housework accomplished at some point today, I am sure, but for now I am just taking it easy. I'm hoping that the kiddo is up for more by tomorrow, it is her spring break after all!

As for diet/exercising, well, lets avoid that subject, shall we? I'll just say that this week has been super stressful for this anxiety-prone mama (haha, understatement of the year!) and my eating has certainly reflected that, without a doubt! :)

At any rate, I hope that you are all having a wonderful week and at least some of you enjoying some wonderful spring weather!

Friday, April 1, 2011

Monthly weigh in

Weight this morning: 125.2

Okay, so the damage isn't quite as bad as I thought, but I still need to get back to healthier eating again. I've already started, doing pretty well for the past three days or so, and hopefully I can keep it up. There is just no excuse for eating all the junk that I've been letting myself eat ALL THE TIME. I can (and should) do better.

So there you have it. Happy April everyone! Maybe now spring will finally decide to show itself? :)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Going the wrong way

There are times when I don't blog for a few days simply because it doesn't occur to me. There are also times when I'm struggling with a particularly hard personal struggle or a down cycle in my depression and I don't feel 'up' to blogging, so it goes quiet over here for awhile. Sometimes, I just have nothing to say at all, which is just so hard to believe, what with my ever-so-exciting life and all, so I don't blog.

Then there are times (like now, for instance) when basically I'm hiding from you all a bit. See, whether you've accepted the job or not, you are sort of my accountability partners, the ones who cheered me on to losing the weight, and celebrated the year plus that I've keep it off. The ones who remind me why I'm doing it, who give me helpful hints and pats on the back. The ones who I didn't want to know that I am NOT doing a good job of keeping that weight off now. At all.

I am not even going to try and sugar coat it for you. I am most definitely failing right now. My weight is up, probably back over 130 right now, but really I have no idea, because I am completely avoiding the scale. Me, the super obsessive weighing-in-er, not curious to peek and know how bad it is. Oh, I already know it's bad...and the sad thing is, I don't really know if I'm ready to start tackling it again.

Here is the thing: I know what to do. It isn't even really that hard to do it. I'm just choosing not to do it. WHY?!? Why am I sabotaging this after all these months? Almost exactly two years ago (April 3rd) I started this journey and I worked so hard, I became a person I didn't even think I could be, and I eventually accomplished my goal. In my life, to me, this was huge. What has happened to change that?

I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want, like a spoiled child. Maybe I'm tired of 'missing out' or denying myself. I don't know. Food just tastes good and I want it. Honestly, it doesn't really have to be deep...I like food, I love to eat! I like ice cream and chips and big plates of comfort food. I want pizza and Chinese food and huge bowls of pasta salad. I don't want fruit, veggies, eggs, and yogurt anymore. I want salty, sweet, ooey-gooey junkiness.

My workouts are still happening for the most part, except that I've missed the last couple of days due to some serious PMS...which could also be effecting the rest of this, to be honest, but then again I made it through almost two years of PMS without gaining more than a pound or two and only for a few days, so that's just not a good enough excuse. There IS no excuse.

I AM GAINING THE WEIGHT BACK. There. I had to say it. I had to acknowledge it, confess it, something. I am going in the wrong direction and have been for a couple of months now. It is happening and it will continue to happen unless I can get a grip and control myself.

In a few days it will be weigh-in day and we will know how bad the damage is. Hopefully, by then I will be ready to start the hard work to get back to my goal weight. I have to be ready, because retreat can't be an option. I must keep trying, because in the end, I believe it is worth it.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Unexpected blessings

I love to read. It is something I sometimes forget, going through seasons where I don't pick up a book for weeks, only to find a great book and then proceed to go from one book to another for weeks on end. One of the worst things about being on an extremely tight budget is that I can't just go out and buy books. Even though most only cost between $10 to $25, that would take away from a grocery budget that I'm already stressed out over, know what I mean?

I actually have an (ever-growing) list of around 40 books right now that I want to read. The first thing I do is check the library, and sometimes I do get lucky and they have what I want, but they aren't too keen on stocking a ton of Christian books so most of the time I strike out with those. I've actually started reading a bunch of Amish-set fiction books, because oddly they have a huge selection of those...

Anyway, there are a couple of different books that are very popular online right now and oh, how I wanted them but I knew I must be patient and wait until I had a bit of extra money to buy them. Sigh. I would read blog post after blog post of people saying how wonderful and life-changing these books are...and each time I would have to remind myself that I would read them too, in time. There, of course, were plenty of giveaways, and trust me when I say I entered every single one I found! Never did I win anything though...

Until last week! Yes, I won a blog giveaway for one of the exact books (A Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp) I was waiting for! I know it sounds crazy weird, but it felt like a kiss on the cheek from God. :) Thank you so much to an old blog friend, Katie, who held the giveaway over at her blog, Boasting in my Weakness.

But guess what? It doesn't stop there! My friend Shauna had emailed me recently about a great book on spirituality and dieting she was reading called Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst...and little did she know, that was one of the books on my list! She said that I could borrow it when she was done and I was just so tickled that she would do that for me, especially since we don't even live in the same state!

Then yesterday, the very same day I got the other book from Katie, I got it a package in the mail from Shauna and in it sat the book! I didn't even know she was sending it yet, I thought it would be some day in the distant future or whatever. What a blessing! I was just beside myself, two of the books I was sooo wanting to read and forcing myself to be patient for, all of a sudden there I was holding them both in my hands. Just really, really cool.

So Katie and Shauna, I just wanted to take a second to tell you that God used you both in a big way to show me that He truly does care about the small stuff in my life. If I can learn to wait on Him and do things His way, He simply has it covered. I really needed to see a glimpse of Him at work, and I truly believe that this week I did. Amazing. :)

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Recieving grace

There are a few blogs that I read that I tend to let stack up in my google reader, sometimes as many as 45-50 deep. It isn't because they are the ones I don't care about, quite the opposite actually. They are the ones that I need to slow down and really focus on...and I often put them off because I never feel like I'm in the right state of mind to do that these days.

One of them is Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.

If you don't read her blog, please, trust me, start. I won't even try to describe it, other than to say I believe God has truly given her a gift. So anyway, I finally start tackling some old blog posts of hers in my reader and one had a short, simple line tucked inside that I can't seem to get out of my head. She said,
"For the life of me? I can’t get it all right."

And immediately tears filled my eyes, because yes...that is exactly it. For the life of me I can't get it all right. Truthfully, it is often the last thought that runs through my head at night. 'Why can't I ever get it right? Just for one day? Why am I so weak? What is wrong with me?'

And then I read that Ann, who is easily one of the online women I look 'up' to the most, sometimes feels the same way...and I am slightly comforted, slightly encouraged.

What does Ann say later in her post about this condition? She says:
"The art of celebrating life isn’t about getting it right — but about receiving Grace."

Grace. I once read a really good book about it (What's so amazing about grace?) and it was such a life-changing thing. For about a week. Ugh. I have a terrible tendency to quickly lose any revelation I receive! I've actually been meaning to re-read the book, but there are like five more I'm already reading right now that I can't seem to finish...

Anyway, when I think of grace I tend to think of it in terms of me extending grace to others, because it is an area that I struggle with constantly. (Side note: Is there an area in which I don't struggle?!? See what I mean about not getting anything right?) The thought of my need for grace from God is much harder for me, because I know beyond any doubt that I do NOT deserve it. I don't deserve His forgiveness because I continually commit the same sins over and over again. I don't deserve His mercy because I so rarely grant mercy to others. I don't deserve His grace because I am a never-ending, never-changing mess.
And on and on it goes.

Oh for goodness sakes, I don't even know what my point is! I guess it is just that every once in a while I get a momentary glimpse of the fact that we're all our own special kind of mess. Some just do a better job hiding their mess, I suppose. I think that most people have a much smaller mess to hide, lucky for them, and then there is me, who is basically a head-to-toe, can't-hide-it-even-if-I-wanted-to kind of mess. My only hope, your only hope, is God. Now, if only I could let that revelation move me toward Him, inspire me to seek Him, woo me to love Him. Please Lord, let me get at least this right.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Okay, okay! :)

So it has been brought to my attention that I need to get a new post up (ahem, Shauna) and yes, it is true, I do. Sorry for the abrupt blog-stoppage! I have been struggling, truth be told. I have been SO HUNGRY! Like, all the time. I'm not talking about just mentally wanting to just munch on something out of boredom or emotional stuff, no, this is an actual deep HUNGER. I just always feel famished, even right after a good meal. I have no idea where it is coming from, but wow have I been bad.

Yesterday alone could have made me gain a couple of pounds. Really! Lets see, I had waffles with syrup for breakfast (we were out of milk for cereal), a pretty decent lunch, and then it went really off the rails. It was the first beautiful day in ages, sunny and around 68 degrees. I talked Hubs into taking a half day off of work to enjoy the weather with us. Of course, we stopped at the newly-opened ice cream stand down the road. I started out good and didn't order anything...and then Hubs offered a taste of his vanilla ice cream mixed with Reese's cups. OH MY WORD. Utterly delicious. I ate at least half of it for him! (How nice of me to help HIM lose weight, right? LoL)

Then we cooked out for dinner and simply put, I made a huge pig of myself. Everything was so good! Sigh. I even went back for seconds of the mac and cheese. If I'm being really honest, I'd have had thirds too, if there were any left! :)

So yeah. Not good around here when it comes to eating. Working out? Yep. I'm being very faithful with workouts, actually. But I'm still not losing weight because all of the stinking food I'm eating is killing me on the scale!

On a more personal note, I've also been struggling with the disaster in Japan. Crying about it a lot. My heart is just SO broken for the people there! And of course, I start wrestling with God over the whole thing immediately...but I'm actually starting to feel peace about everything, in a way. My Bible study has been EXCELLENT during this time of my life (Beth Moore, Breaking Free) and although I'm down to the last two weeks, I've already decided to start it all over when I'm done. There has just been some seriously life-changing stuff in there that I'm trying to make sure sticks with me. Maybe I'll blog some of it the second time around.

So anyway, that's what has been keeping me away. Shoveling massive amounts of food down my throat while grieving for thousands of strangers, I'm just a hoot, right? Well, I'm also watching a ton of college basketball. Gotta do something while I'm shoving food in my face. ;-)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Jelly beans are awesome. Who knew?

Notes from my weekend:

1) I am quite possibly addicted to Jelly Belly jelly beans. Seriously. My daughter bought some on Saturday and they are a HUGE hit around my house. The peach flavored ones are close to perfection and you can NOT stop eating them once you start. The weird thing is that I never liked jelly beans in the past. The bad thing is, our local Andersons store sells them by the bulk and I could go get a giant bag of only peach ones and it's sounding sooooo good...

2) I have a cold, or at least the start of one, and I'm miserable. Body aches, headache, sore throat, general blah-ness. I felt super yucky Saturday but then pretty decent yesterday and I thought it had passed already...only to wake up and feel like a truck hit me today. Ugh.

3) After having an AWESOME diet/exercise week all last week, it came crashing down this weekend. Hard. Between the Doritos my stinking hubby brought home (I pretty much ate an entire bag all by myself, no exaggeration) and the many, many jelly beans, not to mention the pizza, cheesy bread, and banana nut muffins, I'm pretty sure I undid all the good I did last week. I know that it's partially because I am feeling so gross that I'm so easily giving into cravings and munchies, but still so frustrating!

So anyway, I'm trying to regain my focus today, but honestly, not having much luck since I feel so sickly...but hey, spring is a-comin' and I've got to get ready! Luckily, I'm finally out of all the good Jelly Bellys. :)

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Life is good

You know what? I want to apologize for my pitiful post earlier today. I just spent an hour or so reading a blog of a woman around my age who is literally in the midst of dying of cancer. She's a wife. She's a mother. And she's suffering and dying.

Me? I'm feeling pretty pathetic for my woe-is-me-ness. I kinda live in that state of mind far too often and for goodness sake, I need to snap out of it. No, my life is not perfect, far from it. Yes, I have problems and struggles and right now I'm having a hard time having hope that things will change for the better.

But you know what? I'm alive, I'm well, and let's face could be much, much worse. I'm sorry for losing sight of that fact once again.

Feeling like a loser

Is it just me, or does it seem like 99% of all the bloggers out there live really stinking perfect lives?

Great houses that are furnished impeccably, beautiful figures clothed in a gorgeous wardrobe, tons of friends and social activities, magical super-husbands that do everything just right, huge bank accounts that never run low, no real worries in life whatsoever, except for the relatively little ones they tell us about from time to time (under the guise of ' life isn't so perfect after all!') things that frankly I wish we're MY only problems.

Is this a true sample of 'real' life out there, I wonder? Is my life truly the exception to the rule that most of America has their crap together, or is it just that the mainstream blogs are the ones that people flock to, simply because they DO seem to have it all together? I don't know...just thinking out loud, as usual. ;)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Monthly weigh in

Weight this morning: 123.2

Confession: I barely ate yesterday, so that is probably not a completely accurate weight. Don't get me wrong, I have been doing much better watching my food, and I am still working out faithfully (even doubling the length of my workouts the last two times) so I'm confident that my weight is looking better, but perhaps not this good. This number could very well be the result of me having a truly horrible day yesterday and only eating one meal and one snack all day long. Just trying to keep it real...

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Things I love right now...

I love sitting here in a quiet house with nothing other than the sound of my dryer at work. It is such a comforting, homey sound to me. Oh, and speaking of laundry, I also love it when I spot Tide on sale and have a coupon, like I did earlier today. Tide is easily my favorite laundry detergent but it is usually just a bit too expensive for us.

I love that Winter is finally almost over, because we are set to get yet another snowstorm tonight and boy am I ready for Spring! These really big storms have been coming like once a week since right after Christmas! (That is probably an exaggeration, but there really have been a TON of them over the last two months!) The thing is, I'm actually a bit of a weather geek...going online and reading weather chat rooms and following the tracking of storms...but this is just enough now. Even my weather obsession is running out of steam, let us move on to Spring now. Pretty please. :)

I love that I have a fresh stack of library books to read over the snowed-in weekend ahead. I've decided to get over my library book germ fixation, because reading them online was just not the same. Perhaps I'll get an e-reader one day, but until then I will just suck it up! I just got home with four new books (and I still have one out from last week) and that just makes me smile. :)

I love Oreo's. Yes. I said Oreo's. As a matter of fact, they are here, in the house with me right now as I type, and I love it. You want to poke me in the eye now, don't you? What can I say? I have PMS and I was weak. So stinking weak. They are still unopened...for now. :)

I love that my daughter is finally reading Anne of Green Gables, after me bugging her to do it for a couple of years now. I think I might read it when she's done. I forget much of the story, but I remember that as a girl I so loved that book.

I love that I got a great deal on something I was waiting a long time to buy! I read two different recommendations online for a facial moisturizer and it sounded really great, but it costs like $7, which honestly isn't too bad for a moisturizer but would take a chunk of grocery money I'd rather spend on food! So anyway, the other day
in the Parade magazine in the newspaper I saw a coupon for $2 off that exact brand...and then the very next day I found a Target coupon online for another $2 off! I ended up getting it for only three made me so tickled! :)

Okay, so those are a few good things that I am choosing to think on today instead of just all the yuck that was ruining my morning. I hope you are all finding lots to be loving today, too!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Well, I survived the long weekend, but barely. Ugh. Personal life issues abound right now, and it just puts everything else on the back burner. I'm so consumed with everything that is going on (not to mention the extreme anxiety that is accompanying it) that I do not care one iota about my weight. Just don't. If I'm up, I'm up. Whatever.

Have you been there?

The only thing that is remotely keeping me wanting to do this is the fact that it may very well be the ONLY thing in my life that I have any control over! If I'm fat, it's on ME. If I'm thin, it's up to ME. Nothing else in my life is that black and white, that concrete, and there is something amazing about that! So...I don't give up totally. For every bad food/exercise decision I'm making, there seems to be a corresponding good decision.

It's an odd combination of both giving up and not giving up at the same time.

You know what? Life can just be so hard. It really is that simple. I'm trying to give this all to God and learn to trust Him with it, but wow. SO HARD. But, I am aware of His presence throughout this ordeal from time to time, and I'm trying to focus on that. Just this morning in my Bible study I read this:
"Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him."
Wow. Again, it is up to me. Will I choose to let God work through what I am going through? Will I choose to trust Him? Will I believe there is a bigger picture? Will I believe that He can work all things out for my good?

I want to...and I'm trying. But again this morning as I prayed the words came once again: Lord, please help my unbelief. At least for right now, I am choosing to give Him the benefit of the doubt, as silly as that sounds, and I'm hoping that with time, the trust and faith and belief will come more easily. He isn't giving up on me, so I'm trying very hard not to give up on Him.

Heavy post, sorry. ;-)

Thursday, February 17, 2011


I was doing SO well this week. Honestly, I was firmly back into diet mode and feeling strong and determined. But then yesterday came, my birthday. Ugh.

Truly, I was having a horrible day, kinda not feeling well (I think I have a slight sinus infection) with lots of anxiety and an overall bad attitude...probably because I had a hefty dose of hormones thrown in the mix, but also because we're having a problem with our sewer line and have no extra money to fix it. My Mom called to wish me a happy birthday and I ended up sobbing to her for a good 10 minutes. Nice.

Then lunch time came around and Hubs was still home (working on the sewer line) and offered to buy me lunch. Instead of joyfully accepting his offer, I immediately had a panic attack. UGH. I couldn't decide what I wanted for lunch because then I would have to know what I wanted for dinner (don't ask) and what about my diet, I'm doing so well, oh no, what am I going to do...

Well. After about 5 minutes of that loveliness I finally just told him I'd pass on lunch out and just enjoy one of my microwave meals instead, which I did. Phew. (Honestly, I make the simplest things so hard!) Then, get this, I even did a workout later! On my birthday...a day when I'd usually say 'nah, take the day off' I actually decided to do one. That's big for me, folks. Good stuff.

So anyway, later on I take the kiddo to church (I skipped my Bible study to see Hubs for my bday, but honestly I wasn't in any shape to go anyway, I was still a bit of a hormonal, anxiety ridden mess) and I called to let Hubs know I'd like a pizza for dinner. And cheesy bread. Oh, and since I had no birthday cake, I'd also like some cinna-sticks. Please and thank you.

Here's the thing, at the time I put in the order to him, I fully intended to take it easy and only eat a bit of everything. A couple of slices of my veggie only pizza, a couple pieces of cheesy bread, and a couple of (really small) cinna-sticks. Not great, this I know, but not a complete diet disaster. I expected him around 7ish, so I didn't have my afternoon snack, which ended up being part of my undoing. The pizza for some reason took a really long time and he ended up not getting home till 8 and I was sooo freaking hungry by then!

I ate, and I ate, and I ate. A lot. I think I only had two slices of pizza (haha, it's a blur!) but I hit the cheesy bread and cinna-sticks HARD. And thus, my wonderful week of staying on track was ruined in about 30 minutes.

Okay, so I know that it isn't that big of a deal, why not have one cheat meal a week? And usually I'd say that I agree! However, I was saving that cheat meal until Saturday, when my Mom and sisters come up for my birthday and we're going to the Olive Garden for lunch and probably Panera for dessert. Oh well. Two cheat meals this week it is, I guess.

I'm just so determined to get back where I want to be by Spring. I am mad at myself for letting the weight creep back up again, doing all the things I know NOT to do, and I'm aware that if I don't take it seriously again, I'll end up gaining everything back. NOT an option. So, here I am trying to be honest with not only the good days, but the bad ones as well.

Oh, and on that note, guess what I just had for lunch as I was writing this post?? Leftovers from last night. Yep. Really now, what can I even say about that?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Feeling good

Well, Monday was pretty successful overall. Unless you count the half Reese heart I ate, or the Dove heart I ate. And I don't, since it was Valentines day and chocolate has no calories on Valentines day. Duh. ;-)

I did stay within my calorie range (although, probably on the high end) and I also did a workout, so I'm feeling pretty good! Today my left calf is bugging me a bit, so not sure if I'll workout. I've already decided to wait until this evening to decide and to give it time to relax a bit. In the meantime, I've decided to start doing random squats throughout my day to try and lift my hiney up a bit. I have a flat butt and wide hips and I'm going to try and rearrange things down there! I've already done 20 this morning and if I remember, I'd like to do 30 more as the day progresses. C'mon, butt. LIFT! :)

I tried scanning some old pics for you guys yesterday, but my scanner pooped out after only 3 pictures loaded and they were just old wedding pictures that don't show much...but how about I post one anyway, in honor of the day after Valentines day? Here ya go!

How cute were we? I was begging him to be good when he went to take off the garter belt, but of course he has to be cute and stuck his whole head up there. I have a pic of that, too, but my stupid scanner isn't cooperating. Hopefully I will have more pictures to show soon.

Well, it's a busy day of laundry and running my kiddo all over creation so I'm off to get started. Have a great Tuesday! :)

Monday, February 14, 2011


You know what is a great motivator to get back to work losing weight? Looking at old pictures. It doesn't matter if they're old fat pictures or old thin pictures, they both make me want to do what I can to look good in pictures right now!

I have been looking through a bunch of old pics lately and wow. I was so thin, even when I thought I was so big! And oh how I wish there was also a way to bring the young back, too! Truly, the old saying is true...youth is wasted on the young. :)

As soon as I can figure out this scanner, I'll post some old pics for you all. In the meantime, a quick update: I'm on track with eating so far today, and mostly yesterday, too. Of course, this morning for Valentines Day Hubby gave me a stuffed animal holding a king sized package of heart-shaped Reese's cups...

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Out of control

For some reason, I am really, really struggling. I am not just eating too much, I am kinda full-on binging. I don't know why. It could be hormonal, as I am midway through my cycle and that's a bad time for me, or it could be due to not sleeping well most nights for a really long time. Maybe I'm in a bit of a down cycle, or maybe it's just the long, super-snowy winter that's driving me to eat. Who knows. All I do know is, I am constantly hungry and I'm simply not fighting it all that much.

Sigh. I so wish I was a super-inspiring blogger that people visit because they always leave with good feelings and a drive to meet their goals. Instead, I am falling further and further into the danger zone of slack and gluttony and gaining my weight back, and I hate it...but apparently not enough to get my crap together.

Honestly? There was a moment earlier today (as I ate my third blueberry muffin of the day, after I'd eaten like 6 donut holes) when I had the thought that I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and if I get fat, whatever. Do. Not. Care.

So, yeah, that moment has passed now and I DO care again, but I feel out of control and unsure of how to turn this around again. I just feel so unbelievably tired and I'm really hungry and it is so hard to fight those two feelings combined! I definitely need to sleep better, there's just no way around that. I may have to start taking some Nyquil or something to help things along.

The good news is that I've been faithfully working out 3 or 4 times a week for the past 3 weeks now, so at least I have a hope of my metabolism revving back up again. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder, could the return to workouts be contributing to this huge hunger I've been feeling? Perhaps. I just wish I would start feeling some residual energy from the workouts as well!

And no, I haven't weighed myself at all since the first of the month. I just don't want to know! Sorry I'm such a non-inspiration right now. There is really nothing else to say.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

No one likes me...

Can I be pathetic for a moment?

Tonight is my women's Bible study at church, and although I love the content, I totally dread going. Every single week, I have to pep-talk my way out the door...and honestly, even once I get there, I have to pep-talk my way inside of the church, down the hall, and through the door.

Why is this, you ask?

Because I have no friends there. None. And? No one really talks to me. It's weird, really. I sit there -- smile on my face -- and everyone acts like I'm not there. I say hello to my neighbor, she maybe says hi back but that's it. No conversation. Everyone chats up their own group of friends, and I am literally the only one alone and ignored.

Feeling so pathetic.

Seriously, what the heck? Why is it so stinking hard for me to make women friends? It has been this way for as long as I can remember, really. I have had a few good girlfriends in my life, even some really close best friends, but mostly I have always hung out with guys. Obviously, that all changed some 14 years ago when I met my husband and got married, and since then I have had very few girlfriends.

Here's the thing -- I am fun, people! Really, I am! I love to laugh, I am super-casual, I am kinda smart about a few things here and there, and I can even be clever from time to time...but for some odd reason, I can not seem to connect with women easily. Being a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom does not help the cause, either. I generally have NOTHING to add to a casual conversation. Observe:

What did I do today? "Oh, three loads of laundry and three hours of excruciating 7th grade math, what about you?" See what I mean? YAWN city, baby.

Ah well, what can you do, right? I'll go tonight, smile a bunch, probably be ignored, but at least I can come home and hang out with my two best friends afterward. Hard to feel sorry for myself in the middle of a kiddo/hubby/mom 3-way hug. Betcha none of the other ladies at Bible study get one of those when they get home. :)

Monday, February 7, 2011

Getting in the way

I have a million things running through my mind today, so I thought I'd come on here and try to get at least a couple of them out and see if I can focus my thoughts a bit.

I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Getting to sleep isn't that hard, but staying asleep is a whole other thing altogether. I generally wake up to use the restroom 2-3 times a night (getting older stinks, does it not?) and lately when I wake up for those visits my mind will start worrying and fretting and before you know it, I'm fully awake and pretty much freaking out over one thing or another. Worrying about the future, usually, and stewing about the present things that are out of my control.

So yeah, I know I'm supposed to give this all to God, and I think I'm trying to do that...but I suppose if I was really doing it, I'd be sleeping better at night, right? I just dwell too much on me and my utter lack of ability to do most anything right. Or on my husband and all the ways I feel like he constantly lets me down. On what I can see right now and all the ways my life is an absolute mess. On what I'm used to see happen in my life...being disappointed, struggling, ultimately failing. Basically, I'm focused on everything but God stepping in and having everything under His control.

It is most definitely a frustrating season in my life. I have very little under my own control right now, unless you count laundry and housework, which is lame. My life, in many ways, is just not my own right now, as odd as that sounds. It is absolutely torturous for a control freak to live this way, let me tell you! My frustration manifests often, usually as outbursts of anger, I'm sad to say. I lash out because I feel like things should be and could be better, but I have no way of actually making things better. I am at the mercy of others, and they are human and let me down.

One of my facebook friends posted this today:
"The Lord is My Rock, My Fortress, and My Deliverer; My God...In Whom I will Trust" Face it! Find God in It! Follow Him, and He will give you a better tomorrow.
A simple verse that I've known for a very long time, yet this morning it really resonated with me. What she added to the end: face it, find God in it...well, that's good stuff. Again, simple, but isn't it sometimes the simple things that manage to allude us? Somehow, I forget to add God into the equation of both my now and my future. He can make things different than what I see and what I've always known. He can, with one word, deliver me. He is everywhere I'll ever go, He is everywhere I've ever been. The key is...will I allow Him to be my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer? Or will I continue to try and deal with today (and tomorrow) on my own, depending on me, my husband, my circumstances?

Will I finally learn how to get out of God's way??

So, that's just one thing on my mind today. Thank goodness I'm still a work in progress! :)