Friday, November 30, 2012

Stressed out!

This has nothing to do with weight loss, I just need to vent. I am so stressed out that I can FEEL stress flowing through me. It is hard to explain. I feel tight, like a stretched rubber band, ready to snap at any moment. Oh, and trust me, those moments of snapping keep happening....

I have officially made my family miserable, heck, I've made MYSELF miserable. If I could, I would take a long vacation away from me. I know that it is 75% hormonal, but ugh. My PMS lasts for 7 to 10 days so it isn't going to ease up anytime soon. And the life stuff that is helping fuel the fire isn't going to go away anytime soon.

The money thing is dire right now. The two vans required hundreds of dollars to fix in the past two days, and now on top of that hubby needs two tires on HIS van, and the windshield in my van cracked all the way across yesterday. I don't know what else to say about that. Christmastime is a particularly bad time to be financially strapped. 

The other thing bothering me (to some extent even more so than anything) is my daughter's school. It is deliberately set up to be extremely hard in order to weed out the students who aren't going to be able to handle the early college classes, but it is also hurting my daughter's chances at the stellar GPA that she'd be able to earn somewhere else. 

See, not only are the classes themselves harder, but their grading scale is harder. A 94%, which is an A most everywhere else, is a B. A 85% is a C, and so on. It is FRUSTRATING. She is used to being an all-A student, but frankly it is doggone near impossible to earn all A's here. By design, which is odd to me. I dread her first grade card, if she gets a B she'll be heartbroken. But the problem is way bigger than that.

See, we have no college money saved and can't afford to pay for it, so we NEED our daughter to qualify for scholarships. By almost deliberately tanking her GPA they may be hurting her chances for college. Sure, she can get two years of free college through this school, but if we can't afford to send her to the last two or three years (or more if she and hubby have their way, heaven help us all) to finish her degree, what good is any of it? 

Oh, and she has an average of five hours of homework a night. Most nights she starts as soon as she gets home, takes a break for dinner, and does more homework all the way till it's past time to go to bed. She misses youth group on Wednesdays more than she goes these days, due to homework. She stays home all weekend most weekends doing homework. She got a part in the school play, but I might have to pull her out if practices are too long, just so she can do homework. There are also multiple long-term projects that she's working on (or supposed to be working on) that don't even count into this five hours of homework each night, and I have no idea how or when she's supposed to get them done. AAARGH!

Truthfully, I kinda want to pull her from the school, but our other options are few. The local high school? Nope. For many reasons, it is NOT an option. Private school? Nope, can't afford it. Home-school again? Maybe, but frankly I'm SO not equipped to teach her at this level, and she really doesn't want to go back to being home all day. She is a very social young lady and is really enjoying the high school environment.

So...I stress. A LOT. (No really...a lot a LOT) And sadly, it is making me unbelievably irritable and impossible to live with. I wish I still had enough faith (heck, ANY faith) to pray about this and give it to God, but those days are far gone. I try to talk to Hubby about all of this, but he is just not a worrier, and he just kinda plays the 'cross that bridge later' game way too much for my controlling mama ways. 

So I'm left with this crazy vent to the internet, which is filled with people who have WAY worse problems than I do. Stellar.

Oh, and you know how I deal with stress, you know, besides yelling and carrying on? I eat. A lot. Sigh.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012


Today was a bit more on track, I suppose. I did a short workout, I ate moderately, I was mindful of what I was doing. Not perfect, or even close, but movement in the right direction. 

Of course, then a million 'life' things happened...hubby's work van broke down, my van got a flat tire and ended up needing two new tires put on, and the groceries are scarce (was going to go tomorrow) so we will have to get a pizza for dinner. Sigh. Baby steps I guess.

Speaking of life stuff, I am tired of struggling financially and I'm feeling guilty because I don't work. I'm so torn about getting a job, though. For one thing, Hubby does NOT want me to get one. He likes me being here for the kiddo when she gets home from school (not to mention she needs dropped off/picked up because her school doesn't have bus service) so that she's not lonely (only child) or tempted to get into trouble. She's a GREAT kid, but I know from experience what unsupervised teenagers can get into...even good ones like I was. 

Then there is my mental and physical state. Ugh. Mentally I'm a mess and frankly I'm not sure how well I'd handle having a job. Anxiety attacks make it almost impossible to be productive and focused. Physically I struggle with both IBS and a kidney disorder (that I just found out about recently...long story) and they make me have far more bad days than a job would allow. 

Sooooo...what to do?

I just want us to be able to have a more comfortable life. To not struggle when the problems life inevitably brings come along. To be able to fix up the house a bit more, especially my daughter's room. To have health insurance. A newer car so Hubby can take my van for work and not have his break down every couple of months. To finally fix our ever-breaking-down sewer line. To maybe even take a vacation one day!  

I know I sound whiny, and I'm truly sorry about that. I'm just frustrated and feeling very low about the fact that if I worked, it might make a difference in our quality of life. I feel like I'm letting my family down. 

So anyway, I guess this post took a detour! Whatever. Not going to edit or throw into my drafts folder...hitting post and then hitting the shower. :)


Monday, November 26, 2012

Quick update

Yeah, I know I'm not posting much. Truth is, I'm disgusted by my lack of trying, my lack of progress, my lack of caring very much. I want to look better and I want to feel better, but I apparently don't want those things badly enough to actually DO anything about it. Argh.

I hate the way I look right now, all lumpy and mushy. My clothes are tight and unflattering. I feel like I'm a failure. 

So, yeah. Sadly I'm still holding at status quo. Carry on.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Can't find the want in me!

You know what? I am just not feeling this. I want to lose weight, but I don't want to diet. I don't want to exercise. I don't want to make sacrifices or give up snacks or put any sort of effort into this whatsoever. 

It's a problem.

Sigh. I just can't seem to get started. I know that I would eventually get on a roll with this if I would only seriously GET STARTED...but I don't really want to start. 

The further into the week it gets, the more inclined I am to just tell myself I'll start fresh next week. But then the next week comes, and I'm still not feeling it. gets pushed off once again to the next week, and so on. 

I am being a baby. Weak. Just making a lot of excuses. Allowing myself to be lazy and self-indulgent and in the end, I am seriously in denial. Serious question: DO I TRULY EVEN WANT THIS? There is a saying: 'The proof of desire is pursuit.' 

If I am truthful, I know that I am NOT pursuing it, not really, so I have to wonder if I do I truly want it? If I did, I would be trying, at least a little, to make changes. Getting off my behind and putting the work in that I know is necessary. I've done it before, I know how and I've proven that I am capable, so what is the stinking PROBLEM? Ugh.

So anyway, this is me admitting that this was yet another wasted week. All I can do is hope that I find the strength within myself to pursue, seriously pursue, soon.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

So...what has been going on this week??

Well, pretty much just a whole lotta nothin. :)

I have been a bit distracted by my monthly appointment of sitting on the sofa with a heating pad while shoving cookies and Doritios into my mouth, and haven't had much of a reason to blog. My sincere apologies. I am, however, encouraged by the gradual reduction of snack food cravings, and thankfully the heating pad seems to have almost accomplished the task to which it was assigned...and with any luck (and with the blessing of mother nature) I should be back in business tomorrow!

Here's hoping I find my way back to the treadmill! :-)

(I hope this answers any lingering may now carry on!)


Friday, November 9, 2012

New starting weight

I have my weight now, thanks to a visit to the doctor this morning...138. That is officially up 15 pounds over what was my original goal weight. Okay, not great, obviously, but it isn't all 40 pounds that I lost, so I'm focusing on that. Knowing that if I don't stop my roll NOW, I could quickly be back to square one again. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Another restart??

So, I think I might be back posting here for awhile, not that anyone is still checking for updates anymore! (Except for one special know who you are!)

The problem is that my 'diet' has been WAY off the rails for a long time now. I'm not sure of what my weight is right now, I'm honestly afraid to look, but my clothes are beginning to not fit right, or not fit at all in a couple of cases. I feel blob-ish and sluggish and gross. SO....

Time to begin again? Perhaps.

The thing is, I'm not 100% feeling it quite yet. You know, the one thing I learned the first time around was that a HUGE part of success is this magical 'click' that happens that makes it all work. I'm not feeling that click right now, so I'm trying to work my way into it, if that is even possible. I'm doing small things like working out more, even if it isn't hard core just yet. Or not buying the box of Cheese-its that I really wanted at the grocery store yesterday. Sharing an order of waffle fries last night at dinner instead of getting my own. Upping my water intake again. Little things that aren't going to add up to weight loss right now, but hopefully leading up to motivation.

So what exactly is my plan? To weigh in this Saturday, for starters. Knowing where I am and moving onward from there. Trying to make better choices at the grocery store, where the battle is almost always won or lost. And keeping up the walking on the treadmill daily, building up to the intervals of running and walking that worked so well for me in the past. 

My absolute biggest battle? Snacking. I am such a snacker! I love to have my hands in a box of Wheat Thins or Doritos or heaven help me, Peanut M&Ms. (That was a previous addiction that I'd broken free of in the previous diet...I stayed off them for like 2 years and for whatever reason, they are back in my life hardcore. Shame on me!)

So yeah, maybe I'm back. Maybe.