Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Survival living

So, Christmas is over and I survived. Thank goodness. Can I be honest? I truly hate the holidays.

Awful, right? I just really do hate this time of year though. The holidays bring out all of my anxieties and stress, they highlight the distance I have between myself and my parents, they break up our schedule, they force me to be around people I don't necessarily like to be around, they make me feel so lonely...and on and on. I try my best to hide my unhappiness and dread for my daughter's sake, but on the inside and in private I am really struggling every holiday season.

Truth be told, I'm still struggling this week. I even had a panic attack that forced me to leave in the middle of church on Sunday, and that hasn't happened in a long time. (It used to be common) I think right now it's a combination of lingering anxiety issues and PMS. Always a killer combo...ugh. I just want to stay in bed and hide! I'm eating horribly and not exercising at all, and frankly I don't even have it in me to fight against the tide. I'm just telling myself that come what may, I WILL get back to work after the 1st. I have no choice. I have come too far to go back now. Thankfully I should be over the PMS hump by the middle of next week and that always helps so much.

I wish so badly that I were normal. I long for that. To live my life and not constantly be fighting against my thoughts and fears. To not have anxiety rule me and dictate my days. I hate days like today when all I can focus on are the bad things, the struggle, the thoughts I can't control. How I want to be spending my day being happy and joyful and loving life, instead of just limping through and forcing myself to survive. Let me tell you something...survival living isn't really living at all.

Sigh. I'm sorry about this post guys. I've done a decent job so far of keeping this blog pretty impersonal and weight loss oriented, but today I just need to vent and whine, I guess. I'm just so tired of being me. It's incredibly exhausting.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


Someone PLEASE save me from the cookies. They are so good. So moist and chewy. So wonderfully delicious. And there are many, many of them just two feet from where I sit. Beckoning me. Calling my name.

So far I have had three and a half. There are still three days till Christmas. Sigh.


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Stress eating

My latest battle seems to be with stress eating. To state the obvious: I am STRESSED. We are having issues with my daughter's schooling, I'm having issues with my mom, and we're still having big time financial issues...and all this added up means mama is seriously stressed out.

So I eat. Munch. Graze. Grabbing cookies here and there. Chips. Italian bread dipped in salad dressing. All things I could avoid if only I followed my number one rule: the battle is won in the grocery store. Stop buying junk food!!!

I have been doing much better getting my workouts done, but it isn't helping me deal with the stress as much as I'd hoped. Oh well...keeping it up anyway. Can't hurt, right?

The good news is that I'm only up a pound, not to my magic 'restart diet' number yet, so all is not lost! I just need to refocus on what food I keep around and remind myself why I'm doing this. Stressing out is just a given for me (it's kinda what I do) but how I deal with the stress needs to change.

Friday, December 11, 2009


I am newly addicted to cereal.

It's weird, I've never really been a big cereal eater before. I started eating Special K back at the beginning of my diet simply out of desperation for a calorie friendly snack or breakfast. Now eight months later, I'm eating it all the time! Either Special K vanilla almond or Special K cinnamon pecan...they are my new candy.

It has become my (almost nightly!) bedtime snack, my sometimes breakfast (although my egg white sandwich is still my go-to breakfast most days), and even my lunch occasionally. Sad thing is, there is little-to-no nutritional value to Special K cereal whatsoever. They aimed only for low-fat, low-cal and nothing much else. Dang.

I'm trying to remind myself that it's still better than eating that Little Debbie Christmas tree cake in the drawer, or popping dozens of m&m's in my mouth like I used to in the old days...and I suppose that's true. I just wish that little voice in my head would stop telling me it's still not as good as an apple, though. :)

What are your food addictions these days...or am I the only one who gets them?

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


I am still in bed and it's almost noon. I just feel so yucky. For the past 3 weeks or so there have been germies floating around this house...first my husband, then my kid, then my husband again even worse, then my kid again even worse. I thought I was escaping the germy wrath but now...they are attacking ME!! NOOOO!

Oh, and just to make things a bit more interesting, I have the cramps today too. That is just not fair, am I right? The cramps should be forced to take the month off if my body is already in pain and feeling bad. Do they have no sympathy at all?!?

Worst of all though, I am the type of person who tends to snack a lot when I'm not feeling well. Oh, and I also snack a lot when I have PMS. So...I'm snacking. A LOT.

Last night after dinner (and I mean literally RIGHT after two minutes after I finished) I felt famished. Like, that panic-y 'I have to eat right now' type of feeling. I'd just eaten a huge plate of cut up turkey dogs (no buns...I'm still holding onto SOME of my good habits), shells and cheese, and broccoli. Yes...I said shells and cheese. I'm hanging my head in shame, don't worry. Sad thing is, they weren't even that great, but I ate them up anyway and wished I could have more. Ugh.

Anyway, I end up eating a bowl of cereal like ten minutes after I finished dinner. Nice. Then later in bed, I had a mini-bag of Baked BBQ Lays. It's a darn good thing I didn't have a regular sized bag, cause I'd have eaten the whole thing.

The good news is that I'm pretty much back into the workout habit again. They aren't the hard-core workouts I used to do, but thankfully I'm moving in the right direction once again. Hopefully, I make it through the next 2-3 days without eating myself silly and we'll be back on track! :)

Now would someone please pass me the ice cream??

Friday, December 4, 2009

Grocery woes

Yesterday I spent a great deal of time at the grocery store, and let me tell you, I am really getting fed up with how expensive it is to eat healthy. The things like fresh fruit and veggies, whole wheat bread, and yogurt get to be so expensive when you have a very small grocery budget! I'm estimating around $25 of my weekly budget this week were to those things alone, which some of you might think is reasonable, but with a tiny budget that doesn't leave much for regular food, vitamins, toilet paper, laundry detergent, cleaning and beauty supplies, ect. We honestly rarely buy junk food these days (or even things like cheese, for goodness sakes) so you'd think my bill would be lower than back in those days, but it's actually higher (yet my budget is lower) and I'm looking for ways to cut back.

One thing I've come up with is to buy the generic coffee instead of my beloved Dunkin Donuts Hazelnut or Seattle's Best blend. It will save me around four dollars every two to three weeks (which, to be honest, isn't really worth it) but I've got to trim costs somehow! I'm even brewing one cup less everyday to try and squeeze a few more days out of each bag!

I'm also (probably) giving up my 100 calorie packs of cookies. They are my one sweet that I
regularly allow myself but it is about three bucks a week for those. Maybe just buy them one week a month? You can guess which week...

What else?? Microwave meals. Yep, those add up quickly. I usually get them on sale for around two bucks each, but buying two or three for me and a couple for the kiddo gets expensive. I hate to give them up though, they honestly save me from fast food at lunchtime more times than I can count. Maybe I'll just go to one a week and see how it goes. If I turn to fast food, the money is better spent on those Lean Cuisines! :)

Let me ask this: What does everyone eat for lunch, besides turkey sandwiches or diet microwave meals? Those are my go-to lunches, and I really don't want to start eating lunchmeat six days a week! I don't really care for most soups (especially the low-fat, low-sodium type) so that is out...and I need things that would actually be cheaper than $2-$2.50 a meal, yet calorie friendly.

Any ideas?

Lastly, I know that it is way past time to give up the bottled water. I HATE this expense but we all drink so much more water when I buy it bottled and frankly, Hubby has been insisting on me buying it for a long while now. We've tried plain tap water and even a sink filter attachment before and we all hated it and everyone stopped drinking water altogether .

(Side note: Our water here is from Lake Erie and there are constantly these muscle things and algae blooms that get into the water supply and make it taste disgusting. Few people here drink tap water for this reason. Even my coffee gets funk-y.)

I think what I'll do to start is buy a big jug of generic water for two bucks (instead of the four to five bucks I spend for the Ice Mountain bottles) and see if everyone will still drink it and if Hubby will go along with it.

And now I'm out of ideas. Those changes won't add up to much...I need to think bigger! But what??

Wow. Long, rambling, boring post. Sorry, the grocery budget is totally on my mind today! :) Any cost cutting ideas out there for me? Please, share!!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Continued accountability

So, I've decided to continue to have a bit of accountability, I'm doing a once-a-month maintenance weigh-in. I'll try and remember to do it on the first of every month. That way, I have another reason not to slack too much! If I forget, do remind me, okay?

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

After shots

So....I finally have some decent 'after' shots for you...I'm still planning on toning up so hopefully this isn't the completely finished product, but this is where I am right now.

These were taken on Thanksgiving. Pre-pie. :)