Friday, December 17, 2010

Sad little update for ya...

I know that I said I'd update on some things I've been working here goes.

Diet/exercise: So-so. I've been hitting the treadmill again, not everyday but around 3 times a week. The diet is not great...Christmas cookies, cherry cordials, that sort of thing. I know that the next two weeks will be hard, but hoping the first of the year brings renewed willpower and perhaps another few pounds off the scale in 2011.

Appearance: Last week was stellar. I was dressed nice with hair and makeup done almost everyday. This week, not so much. Slack city. I've been super-unnaturally fatigued this past week (my period wrapping up...could this be post-menstrual somehow?) and I've been slacking on a LOT of stuff, including looking nice. So, yeah. Fail this week on this one.

Relationships: Well, mostly okay on this one. I'm still struggling to find my peace in God and not in circumstances and people, and until I can manage to get there I will still struggle in my relationships. I have GOT to stop letting my unmet expectations dictate my attitudes and take my joy. Work in progress. I'm calling this one a fail, even though outwardly I am doing a bit better, inwardly I'm still a big ole mess.

Spiritually: Biggest fail of all. UGH. I am not even trying at this point...again. Why do I do this?! Not reading, barely praying, ignoring God on purpose almost. I know it all comes down to my lack of trust that He really has my back. Not sure how to develop trust where there isn't any. When will I get it through my head that all these other things will be easier if I can get this one right? Fail, fail, fail.

Living my life: Fail, again. Wow, this post is pathetic. I'm on the computer FAR too much again. Letting that fatigue get the best of me and not getting out of the house much. Letting fear have far too much control of me and almost shutting me down completely. Wishing I could just skip Christmas this year. So yeah, fail.

Sorry that I'm not here with great reports of my life turning around...perhaps next time. Right now, I am just treading water. I have such a hard time with the Christmas season and it's manifesting in pretty much every area of my life right now. So for now, I'm surviving minute to minute and hoping this feeling lifts with the new year.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Hard sacrifices (are there any other kind?)

I'm back from my non-internet weekend and it went pretty well. I didn't cheat one time, and I got lots of reading done with the free time I had. The reading was nothing short of me-changing and it pretty much messed me up. In a good way. Kind of.

The book? It is Radical by David Platt. It is all kinds of amazing and eye opening and humbling and I could just go on and on. It has completely (and I do mean completely) changed the way I see both my relationship with God and my relationship with the world, and I'm only halfway through with it! I am realizing that I have been so, so wrong in how I view what being a Christian should be, at least for ME, and now I'm wondering how to actually put what I'm reading into practice, which is always where I tend to disconnect with a great truth.

NOT THIS TIME, I am praying. I can't this time.

So anyway, there's that. There WILL be more on this book later, I'm sure. :)

I got a couple of private emails and comments about my relationship rut so I wanted to try and clarify a bit without too many details, if possible. Let me start by saying that it is referring to my relationship with my husband, so there are more layers to this problem than what's on the surface. This is a covenant relationship and that is different. More complicated. Spiritual, even.

I also want to say that he is honestly a good man who is not being unfaithful or abusive in any way. That needs to be clear. I also need to say I truly do love him and that my vows were not only to my husband but to God, so I have to find a way to hold up my end of this covenant in a Biblical way. I'm finding more and more during my studies on this subject that my flesh/emotional responses are OFTEN the opposite of what God would have me do, so I am trying very hard to follow God right now, regardless of how weak and pathetic it makes me look or feel.

It all kinda comes down to this: If my desires/needs/dreams are not being addressed in the ways I'd like them to be (or addressed at all) but my bringing this up to my husband only brings increasing strife and pressure on our marriage (no matter how delicately I try to broach the subject) what more can I do?

Of course, I should also add that the problems don't lie only with my husband, God knows I am a freaking mess, but being that I am only one half of the problem means that I can't accomplish true peace/unity if the other half won't cooperate. Additionally, the more I try to bring the issues to the surface (and believe me, I HAVE tried for years) the more distress I place onto my marriage, and I'm convinced if I don't drop things that I may very well lose my marriage. I can truly see the damage being done.

So, I guess the better way to say it isn't that I'm totally GIVING UP those desires/needs/dreams, but giving them over to God. I have to be willing for those desires/needs/dreams to come second to my marriage vows. I don't see any other way, at least right now. Any other option (leaving him, being a nag, sowing more strife, ect) would be a sin on my part.

Trust me when I say that this is one of the hardest exercises in sacrifice I have ever gone through! I want to stand up and scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!" It all just seems so unfair. However, I am starting to see that often what seems unfair to us humans is sometimes just simply God's way of refining us. And you know what? If giving up these things ultimately brings me closer to God and His will for my life, even if it temporarily makes my life harder, well, it will be worth it.

After all, being a Christian should mean it isn't all about me getting MY will in this life anymore, but HIS will being accomplished through me and my circumstances WHATEVER they may be, and wow is this teaching me that it is much harder in practice than it is in theory!

No, this is not perfect or even close to ideal. No one knows this more than I do, believe me. I'm trying to let go of perfect and just focus on God, trusting that He has my back on this one.

So, there's a bit more explanation for you. I know it's vague and I HATE when blogs do that but in this case I have to do it this way out of respect to my husband. I also know that some of you may disagree with what I'm doing or why I'm doing it, but I truly feel that I'm doing what God is asking of me during this season.

Updates on the other 'ruts' will be coming soon!

Friday, December 3, 2010

My many ruts and trying to find my way out of them

Have you ever found yourself in a rut in a certain area of your life? I think we probably all have at one point or another, right? Well, what about being in a rut in pretty much every area of your life all at the same time? Yeah. That's a bit more problematic...and it's kinda where I've found myself lately.

In a rut with my diet/exercise plan, obviously.

In a rut with my closest relationships.

In a rut with my personal appearance.

In a rut spiritually. (This one is making all the others that much worse.)

In a rut emotionally.

In a 'life' rut...spending too much time avoiding life and not enough time living it. Just killing time.

There are probably more that I could come up with given more time, but that's enough to paint you all a picture of where I am right now. They say that admitting there is a problem is the first step in fixing it, right? Well, I have a problem. Thankfully though, I'm starting to make baby steps in trying to get back on track at least a little bit in each of these areas.

Diet/exercise: Trying to make better choices, one choice at a time. For example, last night I wanted a big bowl of cereal at bedtime, but instead of giving in like I've been doing far too often recently, I made air popped popcorn instead. +1 for me. Today I came THIS close to getting a Wendy's hamburger and fries, but I was a good girl and had Subway instead. +1 again. Trying to get more water during the day and using tricks like chewing gum to avoid mindless snacking. +2.

(I plan on trying to add in exercise again next week.)

Relationships: This one is much trickier, as it requires cooperation from other people in order to make any sort of decent progress. For now, I am just feeling my way around each day, trying to do my part. Most days I fail miserably, but some days I almost succeed. Honestly, I could fill a book with all of the details and complications in this category, but for now I won't. Let's just say I'm learning to sacrifice my needs, dreams, and wishes for the greater good of peace, and it is exceedingly difficult.

(I'm considering sharing more of my relationship struggles here, but I'm trying to decide if I can do it without a bashing or complaining tone. We'll see.)

Personal appearance: Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but somewhere along the way I just stopped caring. My husband works very long hours and most days isn't home until I'm already showered and in my pj' why bother making myself look nice if he isn't even going to see me that way, right? Honestly, some days I don't even leave the house, and other days the most I'll end up doing is running to Walmart or the dollar store, so I just don't see the point of it all.

Well. I guess I underestimated the toll it would take on my self-esteem to always look dowdy, with no make up, hair pulled back, and sweatpants on everyday! Lately, I've honestly been feeling so ugly, so blah, so gross. So, this week I've made it a priority to actually put make-up on and do my hair each day. I've also dressed nicely most of the week, even on days no one saw me dressed but my daughter. It has already started making me feel more human again. I guess that's worth the 30 or so extra minutes of primping each day!

Spiritually: This one is huge. I have fallen so far away from God the last few weeks, you wouldn't even believe it. I have completely stopped trying to seek praying, no Bible study, no worship. I'm so far retreated into myself that I can no longer see HIM past ME and I hate it. So...I've started praying again, little prayers, but prayers nonetheless. I've decided to dedicate this weekend to trying to seek Him some books, study the Bible, ect. Obviously, this will take more than a weekend to fix, but I have to start somewhere and hopefully it will snowball into a better relationship with God once again.

Emotionally: Ugh. Where do I even start? I guess my biggest weapon against this current emotional rut is to try to practice being thankful more for even the little things. Oh, and I've decided to try to fake being happy when necessary. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but really, I'm going to try it. What do I have to lose?

How I live my life: I spend a lot of time on the computer. Like, a lot. My daughter uses an online school and it requires me to sit in front of the computer for at least 5-6 hours a day for that, but even beyond that I am online for a few additional hours each day! It needs to be cut back, without a doubt. I MUST do this. I plan on starting this as soon as we're finished with school today, by limiting myself to only one hour online in the evening tonight, then offline all weekend (!). I'm actually a bit freaked about a total internet detox, but that alone tells me it's necessary.

So. I am in a rut, no -- in MANY ruts -- but I'm trying to dig my way out of them the best that I can. Any ideas in any of these areas are welcomed. (Just be nice!) Hopefully by this time next week I'll have some good reports to share. :)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 125.8

I'm up a bit again, but truthfully I'm not surprised. I haven't been doing what I know I should be doing and eating crazy bad lately, so yeah. It is what it is.

Sorry I haven't been blogging. Honestly, things in my personal life aren't great and I've kinda retreated into myself a bit. Hopefully I'll be back blogging again soon.

Hope everyone is enjoying their holiday season. We have snow on the ground this morning, so it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...ready or not! (I'm not)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The lifting

I'm breathing again. Thank God, because I was barely breathing for days, and I was truly afraid. Afraid that this would be the time that the darkness wouldn't retreat...that this would be the end of me.

Yet, here I stand. Not yet quite myself, but not so deep in the pit that I can't see the sun. There is light now, and for now it's enough. I have hope now, and I feel God's strength holding me together, most welcome, most needed. I finally cried out to him yesterday morning, after days and days of holding back my prayers. I knew other people were praying for me, some even strangers to me, and I was so unspeakably thankful for that because I couldn't, or wouldn't perhaps, do it for myself.

With the prayer came a slight lifting, and later I forgave someone a grudge I'd been holding, and more lifting came. Today came worship, and the lifting continued. There is now room in me to not only breathe, but take a deep, cleansing breath...and it feels like hope. I actually feel hopeful.

He is good.

Now I'm trying desperately to let go. Of the fear that grips me, of the anger that rises and rages, of the doubts and confusion that plague my relationship with God...of all illusion of control. Over and over, I've tried to let go and I've failed, more times than I can count, but what else can I do? I try again.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I have spent the last day and a half tucked into bed. Hiding under the blankets. Trying to feel safe, secure, numb, I don't know. Something. I am not sick in my body, and yes, I am definitely sick mentally, but it's more than that. I am sick in my heart. I am sad. Sad to the very deepest core of myself. Alone. More alone than I've felt in a long, long time.

Today I am out of bed, but not because I want to be, it's because I have to be. Tonight we have a volleyball dinner to attend for my daughter and I needed to get up and cook the Hawaiian coconut pudding that we're bringing. (It's a luau theme...quite lame but what can you do?) So now I'm up, out of bed, sitting in my chair, furiously hoping my pudding is forming something that resembles an edible consistency in the fridge right now, and quite frankly barely hanging on.

I just want to go back to bed.

I am my body, my brain, my innermost soul, my very tired. Too tired to even pretend to go through the motions of life. Now what?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I decided to put my Nov. 1st weight at 124, since it was 123.6 on Saturday and 124.2 this morning...kinda in the middle of the two. ;-)

Not worried about being slightly up today, as I am once again moving slowly (since Saturday for goodness sakes!) and I know once it happens I'll be lighter. (Gross, but true)

Not much else to add, except that my favorite sandwich place (Penn Station) is having a sale on their 8 inch Philly subs (only $2.99!) and I'm thinking that I really must have one soon...

Monday, November 1, 2010


Oh for goodness sakes, I just realized I was supposed to weigh-in today for my monthly weigh in! Well, it's too late to get an accurate number for today (I weigh-in before breakfast) so...I can either take Saturday's number, which would be two days early, or do it tomorrow, which would be one day late. What to do?

Welcome November

Well here we are in November already! The past couple of months have just flown by, probably because we have been sooooo busy with school and extracurricular activities. November is looking to be a much slower month, so yay for that!

I did manage to get through Halloween weekend without eating any candy...well, except for a few dark chocolate kisses, but I eat those pretty much everyday. I bought Kit Kat's to pass out and I truly don't care for those, and my daughter decided that she was finally too old to trick or treat this year so we had no candy coming into the house...easy, peasy!

My eating was pretty good calorie wise all weekend, but not due to any great amount of effort on my part...nope, it was because I was in and out of a panic attack all weekend. Not fun. One of my anxiety issues focuses on food and when that flares up I find it extremely difficult to eat. I don't know how to explain it other than I get afraid of 99% of the food around me all of a sudden, and until I can find the one thing that I feel like I can eat, I'm panic filled and stressed out. It isn't fun for me and SO not fun for my family. Ugh. Anyway, I did eat over the weekend, but I don't think I had any protein whatsoever, so that may effect my weight negatively, who knows. I'm not weighing myself today regardless.

Tomorrow is voting day...something I participate in even though, truth be told, I'm not particularly inclined to believe either 'side' is going to do the right thing anymore. I used to be pretty political on my old blog, but after awhile it becomes hard to stand up for politicians when they all end up slimy and corrupt in the end. These days I just try to focus on God being in control no matter what political party is running this country (or state, or city, or whatever) but voting still seems important to me. I hope everyone has researched the various candidates and issues wherever you live and get out to make your opinion known at the polls tomorrow!

Happy November!

Saturday, October 30, 2010


So, I said I'd do my official weigh-in this morning and it is down to 123.6 which is a loss of 2.4 pounds for the week.

That's what I was hoping to see, honestly. Basically, I'm back to my goal weight again...but I do think I'm going to push through to see if I can get down to 120, which is closer to the middle of what is considered 'normal' for my height on the bmi charts. It's something I've considered doing since I got to my original goal a year ago, but never had the motivation to try.

I'll visit that thought again on Monday, for now I'm just going to try and be good over the weekend and not un-do all my hard work this week! ;-) Have a great weekend, everyone.

Friday, October 29, 2010


So, last night was pizza night here in my house, but I did pretty well overall, only eating two cheese slices and one breadstick. I entered everything into Sparkpeople and even with the pizza I was under my calorie limit for the day!

BUT. This morning I did a weigh-in, even though I was going to wait until tomorrow for an 'official' Saturday morning weigh-in...and yes, I'm down (124.4 from 126 on Monday) but honestly I was hoping for more than that. I know, I happy with any loss. It's just that I've been SO good all week and 124.4 is still higher than I'm used to seeing...

I suppose I'm just having a really bad morning (my depression/anxiety is always worst in the morning) and I'm wallowing in the yuck a bit. Sorry. :)

Anyway, day 4 went well. Eating within range and got my workout done. Onward to day 5!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Plugging along...and dangling on the edge

Day four of being back to work on the diet/exercise program again! So far, I'm sticking to the plan on the eating side just fine. I'm entering all of my food onto Sparkpeople and staying within my calorie range each day. Actually, Tuesday I was UNDER my calorie range, which technically isn't good but I wasn't hungry so I just went with it. One day won't kill me. ;-)

Exercise has been okay. Monday and Tuesday I hit the treadmill and picked up right where I left off, doing the running/walking intervals for 30 minutes. Well...I probably should have eased back into it because yesterday I was wrecked. I could barely walk, my legs were so achy! I was also so fatigued that I wasn't really fully functioning whatsoever, so needless to say I took a rest day from workouts yesterday. So far today I am feeling a bit better, and hopefully I'll get a workout later today!

Mentally I'm dangling on the edge of a down cycle, but not actually in it yet. I hate this feeling, but I suppose it's better than riding out a week in the dark pit itself. I'm really hoping it passes before I get there. There is so much I want to say on this topic, so many thoughts that are tormenting me that I'd love to get out onto the screen, but I'm hesitant of doing it. I feel so exposed when I share too much, and really, does it help long term? So for now I am just trying to get through, as usual, because it just isn't something I have much control over when you get right down to it.

So I am trying to control what I can weight! I haven't weighed myself all week, I think I'm waiting till Saturday like the old days, so we'll see if I'm making any difference this week at all. Hope everyone is doing well and for those of us in the midwest...hope you aren't blowing away! :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

How'd my day go?

So, it was my first day back using Sparkpeople did I do? Well, the first thing I've go to say is that I totally forgot how quickly you can consume all of your allotted calories for the day! I had one measly little enchilada with broccoli on the side for dinner and now I have no extra calories left over for a snack later! Although...air popped popcorn won't add many calories...

I did get my workout in...and I'm LOVING having the treadmill back! It is truly my absolute favorite way to workout. It felt SOOOO good! I'm one bottle of water away from meeting my daily goal...and I should have no problem getting it in before bedtime. All in all, I did well today.

But I do have to admit that I'm hungry. I've gotten so spoiled apparently! Oh well. A little hunger won't kill me, right? ;-)

Some thoughts this morning

Just a few quick notes on a gray Monday morning:

*My treadmill is finally fixed...woo hoo! I'll be using it today for the first time in many months. So excited!

*I started using Sparkpeople again today. Why, you ask? Because I'm up to 126 again this morning. I thought for sure I'd go down a pound or two after my TOM passed, but nope. It seems to be sticking. Crap.

*I am so annoyed with myself. Literally within DAYS of my one-year maintenance anniversary I gain weight and it decides to stick around. Stinking Oreos got the best of me. (Okay okay, there was ice cream involved, too. And cake. Little Debbies. Even a couple of Reese's Cups. But I'm convinced the Oreo's are what did it. Little devil cookies, they are!)

Happy Monday to us all. May this week be a good (and Oreo free) one! :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

I got tagged twice today so I'm going to do them both in one, giant blog post!

First, I was tagged by Dawn , who is very clever and funny and if you don't read her already you should...

7 Interesting Things About Me You Might Not Know: (Which I am alternately calling 7 freaky things about me you might not know, just cuz there's so many of those that I can't NOT list them!)
1. I have a crooked toe. It's the second toe on my right foot and it's been crooked for as long as I've been aware of it, no idea why. My husband talks to it sometimes. Yeah.

2. The soft spot on the top of my head (you know, what babies have) never closed up. One sharp, precisely aimed blow to the head and I'm a-goner. In theory. ;-)

3. My back is way crooked. (Sensing a theme yet?) I was diagnosed with scoliosis in junior high and instead of actually, I don't know, fixing parents in their infinite wisdom decided to use an experimental treatment on me. It's hard to explain...but basically I had two electrodes taped to my back each night with a little machine on the other end. It sent a shock to my back every few seconds that supposedly tensed the muscles surrounding my spine and aligned it. It was even more painful than it sounds, I used it every night for TWO years, and didn't work. So, my back is still crooked. And yes, I have constant back pain.

4. I am a huge germaphobe. I actually have a phobia of vomiting called emetophobia and suffered from it even as very small child. It sounds like no biggie, but in reality it kinda controls my life at times.

5. I married my husband after only knowing him four months. Nope, I was not pregnant, just young and in love.

6. I go through these weird cycles of either absolutely needing the TV on to sleep or can't sleep at all if it's on. I have no idea what flips the switch inside of me from one to the just happens. Oh, and I can't sleep without a fan on, either. That one is pretty constant.

7. As a tween/teen, I had a king sized waterbed. I know, totally weird. My dad came across a buy-one-get-one offer of some sort, so my two younger sisters had twin sized beds (I honestly can't remember if theirs were waterbeds, too) and since he wanted a king-sized waterbed for him, I got the other one. I wonder if my friends thought I was cool?

Okay. Moving on...

The next one is from Summer, who is also on a weight loss journey and has a little daughter who she just started to homeschool! I am supposed to answer the following questions:

Where do you dream of traveling to one day, and why?
Well, I would LOVE to go Hawaii one day. Every time I see a show based there on TV, I start asking my husband if we can just move there. I mean really, WHY live anywhere else?

What do you like to do for fun?

As boring as it sounds, I just like to hang out with my family. We watch movies or play board games, go shopping, go walk or ride our bikes at the park, that kind of thing. If I'm alone, I like to read a good book or watch a movie, nothing exciting. I'm pretty boring for the most part. ;-)

What style of music do you prefer and why?
This one is so easy...80's music! Why? Two reasons: it reminds me of my youth, and we totally had the best music of all time back then.

What movies or TV shows do you like and why?
My current favorite TV shows are: House, Chuck, The Middle, Modern Family, The Office, and Big Bang Theory. My favorite TV shows of all time are Lost and Arrested Development, and if you haven't watched them, you really should. :-)

What Frustrates you and why?
SO much frustrates me, where do I start?! Well, it frustrates me when so-called fathers don't support their children. It frustrates me when people act like no one else matters in the world but them...for example, walking down the middle of the road and then getting mad when you dare come driving down with your car and they actually have to move. Or when people blare their music with no thought of anyone around them. That kind of thing. It also frustrates me when I see blatant injustice and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, I could REALLY go on about this one! However, moving on...

What is your favorite food? And for dessert?
Here I have to agree with Summer, PIZZA. :-) Dessert? Hmmmm. Perhaps a fresh from the oven slice of pie with a scoop of ice cream on the side, all melty. Yum. :-)

What is your favorite color?
Don't really have one! Boring, sorry.

Do you prefer cool or warmer weather and why?
SO hard to answer this one! I love both cool and warm, but not hot or cold. Summer and Winter...yuck. Spring and Fall? Perfect. And the why is because I'm a big ole wimp.

Phew! All done! Okay, now for tagging, which I super duper hate doing. I don't even know who reads here regularly anymore! Here goes:

Dawn, for the second one
Summer, for the first one
Marcy, either one she wants or both
Donetta, anything to get her blogging again!
Jo, either one she wants or both

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Slight pause for wimpiness

So the diet/exercise thing is kinda paused for a couple of days for my TOM. Oh, I know, that isn't an excuse to stop trying, but my periods hit hard with some serious cramping and it pretty much lays me up for about two days each month. Actually, the whole thing tends to pass quicker the older I get, so I just try and ride them out the best I can. Exercise is extremely hard while you can't even stand upright because of cramps, and the eating, well, you know. ;-)

But it's just for another day or two and I'll be back at it hard. I hope. In the meantime, I'm catching up on House and Gray's Anatomy on Hulu and trying to stay warm in my pretty-stinking-chilly house! Hubby says NO heat for awhile so....sweaters, sweatshirts, blankets, and lots of hot coffee are happening over here. At one point yesterday when the cramps were at their worst, I had all four happening at once! Wearing a sweatshirt, draped with a sweater-shawl, covered by a blanket, and sipping a cup of coffee! I'm a big wimp during my TOM, can ya tell?

I had one of my bad mornings today (I'll explain in a later post what my bad mornings are like, it is not PMS related) but it's after 10 am now and I'm already doing better, thank God. We're about to start schooling (ugh, I should post how THAT is going, too! 7th grade is HARD!) and then my daughter has her last volleyball game of the season this afternoon and I am REALLY hoping to not be in as much pain by then. Tonight is pizza night (don't judge me) and tomorrow is Friday...hurray for the weekend. :-)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Am I free?

I was just reading a blog for the first time, and trying to 'get to know' the blogger by reading back through a month or so before committing to being a regular reader....and, what? Is that weird? Am I the only one who borderline blog-stalks someone on the first visit to their blog? ;-)

ANYWAY...I was looking at some pics of her and her family...all of them (frankly, quite more than) pleasantly plump...yet, all looking very happy and beautiful...sitting at a table eating some yummy (yet very fattening) food, all with very full plates and joyful smiles on their faces. I didn't judge them for any of this, quite the opposite actually, I found myself feeling almost envious of them. Wishing I could just sit down and eat with abandon all the yummy foods that I crave. Go back for seconds, thirds, dessert, ect. and not feel bad about it. Just enjoy what I want to enjoy in whatever portion I feel like eating. Envious of their freedom.

I mean, they LOOKED so happy! Big, yet still beautiful. Enjoying their food, enjoying their lives.

Yet, I really have no idea whatsoever if they actually FELT happy or if they felt regretful after that meal. I have no idea if they are sick in their bodies, with high blood pressure or diabetes. I have no clue if they have trouble walking or going up stairs, if they are short of breath or achy all over. I don't know if they are actively trying to lose weight and this meal was a fluke, a failure, or if they eat that way all of the time and have no regrets. I don't know anything at all about the people in the photo. Did they really FEEL free??

I do however, know myself pretty darn well. I know that I'd be happy for awhile as I ate that wonderful meal, but terribly regretful later. I know that I would be so miserable if I gained that much weight, no longer able to run with my husband or practice volleyball with my daughter. I know I'd be ashamed of every pair of jeans in a larger size that I'd have to go and buy, and every ten pounds I'd gain would feel like putting on chains. My knees would ache again, my back would be strained, I'd be constantly out of breath...and those were just all the things only 40 extra pounds brought me...imagine my condition after two hundred extra. I don't think I'd be smiling much, honestly. Doesn't really sound like freedom, really.

So I have to ask myself, is food worth it to me? Is that kind of 'freedom' worth the price I'd ultimately pay?

Dark, ugly confession: I am a person who constantly feels like I'm missing out on something other people have. I feel like I'm being cheated...of a nicer house, a nicer car, better clothes, more friends, family living nearby, disposable income, vacations, better hair-nails-skin-legs-whathaveyou....get the picture? I struggle with discontent in almost every area of my life. I think that is what I'm actually feeling when I see pics like that...that I'm somehow being cheated of eating all the cake I want to eat, all the pasta my stomach can hold, cheated of a freedom they have that I don't. Simply put, I'm feeling like it's not fair!

How silly. How embarrassing to admit, yet strangely empowering to realize. I have to find my contentment where I am, in every area of my life, not just food. As a Christian, this is extremely important to me, and I've been working on it (off and on) for many years. I believe I should have joy (which is different from happiness) in all things at all times! This should include when I'm turning down a stupid cupcake or only having one piece of chicken. I am NOT being cheated, I'm choosing a different path, a different outcome, perhaps even a different life. Every choice, no matter how big or small, has it big or small...and I can be content in my choices if I remember the BIGGER picture.

I still have freedom, but my freedom LOOKS different than theirs. I am free to run/walk/ride/skip/climb, free to breathe deeply, free to live longer and healthier perhaps. No, I can't go eat an entire box of cookies every day like I may wish I could, but I am free of the guilt and shame it would bring, free of the inevitable chains that would accompany it eventually. This is a freedom of a different color, a freedom that I choose. And, for now this very minute, I am content in that!

Just a lot of heavy thoughts on a Tuesday morning...sorry about that. Working stuff out, I suppose!

Monday, October 18, 2010

The good and the bad of my weekend

Well, I had both good and bad over the weekend...


Had two long walk/runs with Hubby at the park. He always pushes me to go faster and farther than I go on my own, which is awesome. The colors in the park were so beautiful and the walks just put me in a really super good mood.

I didn't have any terrible snacks at all. Stuck to yogurt and almonds, and some baked potato chips...which isn't perfect but not terrible. I managed to skip the tortilla chips and queso dip, which hurt just a little. ;-)

Turning down donuts on Saturday morning while the rest of the family indulged!


Lots of non-home cooking, which always means more calories. Tried to make good choices though, like Saturdays lunch was a rotisserie chicken with fruit/veggies on the side, which is actually something that should go into the 'good' category, but home-cooking is one of my goals so overall, bad.

Some late-night baked chips in bed last night. :-( Stopped myself before it was an outright binge though!

No workout on Saturday, although I did do a lot of walking between garage sales. ;-)

Weight this morning is still 125...which means the pound and a half I dropped last week is staying off, but I still haven't officially dropped below my magic cut-off number. Trying to remember it takes time.

So, Monday. So far nothing to report, other than a rainy day is going to hinder my laps, but perhaps I'll get motivated to put in a video later! Oh, and PMS this week, so I'm bracing myself...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Getting back up...

So yeah, last night was a not-so-great pizza dinner. If I'd have just stopped at the pizza, which was veggies only, I'd have been kinda, sorta alright. BUT. I also loaded up on these cheesy breadsticks that brought TEARS to my eyes, they were just so good. Kinda worth it, sad to say. ;)

Today, so far that is, has been better. Did two laps this morning and I'm planning on two more with Hubby tonight. Ate a light breakfast and lunch, had a great snack a few minutes ago...yogurt and almonds. Tonight is a bit tricky though, since my daughter is going to a party and Hubby and I are on our own for dinner. Usually, if it's just the two of us we splurge for Penn Station (They have a chicken marinara sub that is SO good...with vinegar fries on the side, of course!) or something else that is NOT a good dinner while I'm trying to lose a few pounds.

There's always Subway...but I am STILL burnt out on that from LAST summer! I was eating it like 3 times a week, maybe more, and ugh. I'm over it. I can barely stomach it anymore, honestly. I could probably find something decent at a sit-down place but we're on a pretty tight budget till at least after Christmas. I'm actually thinking of just picking up a microwave dinner for me and letting Hubby get whatever he wants for himself...we'll see.

So anyway, sorry I'm posting a ton of boring 'here's my day today' posts all of a sudden...I'm finding it to be helpful accountability-wise so it is what it is!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Major pizza fail...

Need I say more?

My new bedtime snack

One of the best things I've done in a long time (diet-wise, that is) was to buy an air popper for popcorn. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. We only spent like $20 on it, and of course the raw popcorn costs next to nothing, and unless you add a bunch of stuff to it, the popcorn is SO low in calories while being unbelievably filling!

I've made this my bedtime snack the last two nights (yes, I should just cut the bedtime snack completely but honestly people, I'm just weak) and it has worked out so well. Hubby and kiddo love it too. Nightly (for the last two nights, that is) we've been happily munching away together, trying lots of different toppings and not having the ice cream guilt we usually do!

The first night I added spray butter and nacho cheese powder, but honestly it was just kind-of blah, so last night I tried a trick of hubby's that you might find odd...mustard! Soooo yummy. No salt, no butter, none of the chemicals that you get in microwave popcorn, just popcorny goodness. (No really, it IS good with mustard!)

Didn't weigh in this morning, as I'm currently a bit slow-moving in the digestive department again...(geesh, between the whole wheat bread, fiber cereal, apples, broccoli, and popcorn, you'd think all this fiber consumption would be helping this out!) so I'm patiently waiting to weigh in until I feel a bit, um, lighter. (I'm always about the tmi around here, what's up with that?)

Exercise yesterday: only two laps. No excuses.
Eating yesterday: on plan, except for a probably too big serving of lasagna last night for dinner.

Still plugging along...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The good and the bad

So, there have been some good decisions and some bad decisions the last couple of days. I'll share...

Good: No junky snacks. Bad: McDonalds for lunch yesterday, fries included.

Good: Did my three laps around the block Monday. Bad: Didn't do any yesterday.

Good: Used our new air popper for a healthy snack last night. Bad: Added butter.

Good: Down a pound since Monday morning, now weighing 125.6. Bad: Still above 125.

So there you have it. I'm not doing awful but I haven't found that special groove yet. I'm about to head out for my walk, going to do 2 laps and try for 2 more later. Have a healthy lunch planned but dinner, well, it's one of those busy nights where the kiddo and I both have somewhere to be around dinner time, so I'm making something not super-great but I'll work on portion sizes at the very least.

Pressing on!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Attack of the oreo cookies

I have been really, really bad. :-(

I've totally gone off the deep end with my eating. Like, fast food dinners more times than I'd like to admit and Oreo and Dorito's snacks all weekend long. Ice cream multiple times a week for weeks. Pancakes or waffles (with tons of syrup) for breakfast. Or McD's for breakfast. Or muffins for breakfast. Let's just say breakfast has been a mess. Cake all last week for my daughter's birthday. Little Debbie pumkin treats. Reese cups and peanut m&m's.

I could go on but you totally get it right? BAD.

As you can imagine, my weight is up. This morning the scale read 126.5...a full pound and a half above my magic number of 125 that sparks *diet mode* again. UGH. So, I am officially back on the weight loss train.

I still don't have the treadmill fixed so I'm walking around the block, which for some reason KILLS my feet and knees so I'm not able to walk as long or as far as I can on the treadmill, but it is what it is, for the time being at least. It's .6 miles around my block so my goal right now is to work up to 4 times around a day hopefully by the end of the week. Today I'd like to do 3 times at least...

As for my eating, obviously my junk food binge has GOT to stop. I'm due to go to the grocery store either today or tomorrow, so I'm going to be stocking up on yogurt, almonds, string cheese, popcorn, fiber bars...the snack food that I can feel better about eating. Probably some 100 calorie pack sweets and chips, too, because I know I'll want junk at some point and that's a great way of rationing it.

Dinners HAVE to be edited better. No more 4 tortilla fajita nights...just one tortilla allowed, or two corn ones. No more garlic bread with our spaghetti or lasagna...unless I make it myself with my 100% whole wheat diet bread, spray butter, and garlic powder. (Note: this is actually pretty good, so shame on me for falling back on the high cal Texas toast!) More boneless, skinless chicken breast meals once again, more brown pasta/rice, more veggies, more fruit. Back to the basics.

I am trying to remind myself that I KNOW exactly what to do to lose weight, it's just about DOING it. Last spring and summer, I simply purposed in my mind that I was going to do it and then, somehow, my mind sort of turned off to thinking about it at all. I just didn't really struggle, it just was what it was. It was oddly settled with me that I was going to eat a certain way and that was the bottom line. I have to figure out how get that mindset back.

So anyway, it's Monday morning and I'm back to work. I'm trying to look on the bright side: perhaps this is exactly the jump start I needed to get to my new goal weight! You never know. :)

Friday, October 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in and one year anniversary!

Weight today: 124

Well, today is my ONE YEAR anniversary of meeting my goal! (Actually, I officially met my goal on Oct. 3rd but for the sake of simplicity since I now weigh in on the first of the month, I'm tweaking it a bit!) I am up one pound from what I was on that day, but I'm having some, how should I say, trouble going for a couple of days, if you know what I mean, so I'm not sweating that pound at all. It'll definitely be gone once I get, ummm, moving again. Ahem.

So, I am excited that I'm still holding steady. I've been up a couple/down a couple all year but I think that's pretty normal. It is what it is, and it ISN'T gaining everything back and then some (which I've done in the past) so I'm happy. Well, sort of. I'm used to my body now and instead of feeling all skinny and accomplished like I did a year ago, I now notice all my left over bulges and there's just so much jiggle...

So, I'm actually thinking that I'll try to lose a few more pounds over the winter. I'd at least like to make 120 my new settling weight, although I'd be super tickled to get a couple of pounds under that, if possible. Mostly, I need to do a ton of toning. I've never really dedicated myself to that over the past year, and I need to finally do it now. Too much flab and loose skin hanging (ha! literally) around for me to really feel like I look as good as I could.

So, what's the plan? Well, I'm not going to 'diet' much, I'm just going to try to reign in the crazy eating I have been allowing lately. Go back to editing my food more and thinking smaller portions, ect. The biggest thing is that I really need to get back into working out! My treadmill is still broken but Hubster is on the case and hopefully it'll be back up and running soon, and in the meantime I'll try to get outside walking whenever I can. I know I should be doing my strength training videos too, but UGH, how I HATE them! Plus, every single time I start doing them I gain weight. EVERY TIME! So, we'll see. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm going to go ahead and set a goal of hitting 120 by my birthday, Feb. 16th. That means I'd only have to lose slightly less than a pound a month till then. Do-able, right? I'm honestly not going to be devastated if it doesn't happen, but I think I'm ready to start working toward something again. If nothing else, it'll snap me out of some serious diet/exercise complacency and make sure I'm still at least maintaining the previous loss!

So there it is, my one year update. Thanks for all the support in the last year and a half, by the way. Not sure I'd have stuck to it without ya'll! :)

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Not good, people. Not good at all.

Ya'll. My eating has SERIOUSLY gone off the rails. Just today for example: this morning I had a giant stack of blueberry pancakes (waving at Shauna!), at dinner I had a big hunk of lasagna and two big, buttery slices of Texas toast, and right now (as I type!) Hubby is out making an ice cream run for me.

Need I say what time of the month it is?

Treadmill still broken. Hips growing. Jeans tighter. Send help!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

A slight change of heart and a very tired Missy

To all who commented or emailed for the new blog address:

Um, yeah. About that. I may have jumped the gun on that one. I have, in fact, started a new blog, but I'm just not quite ready to open it up yet, I guess. Quite the chicken, I am.

This time, I'm embracing it. Whatever.

Instead, I'll try to post here more for now. No promises, as I've said that before and not followed through with it...but I will try.

Today's topic: My insomnia. (Cue the yawn) I am so tired!

I go through periods of insomnia at least once a month and I hate it sooo much. Last night, I slept a grand total of two hours, from 1 to 3. Yeah. I did get some valuable rerun tv watching done, however. An episode of CSI, a couple episodes of Law and Order SVU's, even a Ghost Whisperer or two. (For the record, these were the extra shows tivo picked to record for me. I love some, and others not so much. But at 5am I find that the less I like a show the better for me to possibly doze off while watching it!)

Oh, and I watched the old 80's movie 'Real Genius' on hulu, too. I SO still love that movie! It totally holds up to the test of time, has awesome music (listen to it on headphones for full effect, trust me), and Val Kilmer used to be quite the hottie, I must say. ;-) If you get a free couple of hours and need some free entertainment...I highly recommend it.

Anyway, I wasn't able to nap at all today and tonight is my first night of the Fall Women's Bible study at church, so here's hoping I don't doze off while the lights are out! (We watch Beth Moore video's and it is all nice and dark and quiet...)

Oh, and I totally ate two (totally huge) glazed donuts today. Don't judge me, I NEEDED a massive sugar infusion and they so did the trick. ;-)


Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 123.4
Feeling pretty good about more month and I've managed to maintain the 40 pound loss for one whole year! I'm thinking of trying to lose seven more pounds over the winter...we'll see!

I've been pretty absent around here, at least it appears so. Actually, I've been writing a ton of posts that you never see. Posts that are honest, yet dark and depressing. I actually started a different blog so that I can get all of that junk out of me without boring you all with it! (If you are interested in seeing all the yuck in my brain, email me and I'll send a link...but be warned!)

Yes, I'm in a weird place yet again. Today, however, is a good day. So I'm going to just leave it at that. :)

Hope you are all doing well and enjoying what's left of your summer!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

A blip?

So, I did a quick weigh-in this morning (after breakfast, even) just to see if maybe it was a fluke the other day...and I'm back down to 122 again! I was on the tail end of my monthly stuff on Sunday, so maybe that was effecting the numbers, I don't know. (Or it could have been the TWO donuts I ate on Saturday...but surely not, right?! LOL...) At any rate, I'm feeling more confident in going back to the workouts again, so that's good.

I was posting some recent pics onto facebook today and there was a recent one of me looking pretty puffy and now I actually have even more motivation. I really need to tone and firm. I still have all this extra, sagging skin everywhere and it's pretty annoying, not to mention that my belly still pokes out, too. I hate that! I'm thinking that some daily sit-ups are in order. ;-)

After a couple months of feeling extremely depressed and stressed, I'm feeling a bit better the past couple of days, so maybe I'll be checking in more often again. Lots of thoughts to share, not a lot of patience to get them down into a post though! The funny thing is, when I was down in the dumps these last couple of months I actually wrote a TON of blog posts that never saw the 'POST' button...

Hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of summer! I'm pretty ready for Fall, honestly. A regular schedule, college football, jeans and sweatshirts, bonfires and s' all sounds good to me!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 124.2
A gain of 3.2 pounds!

UGH. This weight gain was all in the past week and guess what I started this past week? Strength training. EVERY SINGLE TIME I start strength training, I gain weight! It is SO frustrating. I honestly don't know what I'm going to do. Every time before, I stopped doing it so I could drop the few pounds gained, every time before it worked, so I suppose that is looking mighty tempting this time around, too.

Ah's to next month!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Weight this morning: 121

Monthly weigh-in time again! Honestly, June zoomed right by me, mostly because I spent the better part of it in bed with a serious case of bronchitis and because even since I've been well, I'm kinda stuck here at home so the days are kinda all blending together into one big blob of blah. My eating has NOT been well the past few days (PMS, need I say more?) but given that I wasn't eating much at all for at least a week of my sickness, it all kinda evened out, I suppose!

I should add that my scale was acting pretty wonky today. I stepped on and off of it four different times and each time (but two) the weight was just slightly different then the rest. (119.6 and 120.4 were the other two weights, I weighed 121 twice) What the heck? Not sure what that is all about, but I took the one that showed up twice to be fair.

So anyway, here's to July, may it be a great month for us all! :)

Friday, June 25, 2010

Boring, random stuff

*I had not one, not two, but THREE blueberry muffins this morning. Now I feel pretty gross.

*I taught my daughter how to play rummy the other day, and now we play cards all day long. I used to let her win games when she was I wish she'd let me win more often.

*Remember when I said I was doing a bunch of small things to help lower our grocery bill? Yeah, about that. Not all of them took. First, my family HATED frozen concentrate OJ, and I was barely able to choke down our disgusting tap water so I basically stopped drinking water altogether. We now buy regular OJ and grocery store water again. Oh well.

*I haven't had a vehicle to drive in months now...and I've seriously become concerned with my sanity level. Stuck at home for a few days is no fun. Stuck at home for months is just plain wrong.

*For a few weeks, Walmart had Breyers Ice Cream priced at $1.98. Okay, first, Breyers is THE best ice cream out there. No really, it is. Second, that is WAY cheaper than we could buy ice cream cones...even at McDonalds which used to be our go-to summer dessert place. We we've been buying a LOT of Breyers.

*When we were at Walmart a few days ago, we noticed they'd raised the price back up to like $3.25 or something like that. Still cheap, but not less than two bucks! I was actually a little bit relieved. A couple more weeks of nightly scoops of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and I'd need to start counting calories again!

*My 13th wedding anniversary is on Monday. Pretty cool.

*Sorry about the boring random-ness of this post. Not too much going on to talk about when I've been home for the entire month of June. ;-)

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Bathing suit shopping

No matter how much weight you lose, is it EVER fun trying on bathing suits? In my world, no. No it isn't. But I did find a way to make it far less painful than I thought it would be! Speed-shopping.

Yesterday I had roughly 45 minutes to find, try on, and purchase a bathing suit. I quickly tried on half a dozen, picked the least objectionable one, then paid and walked out the door with it all within that 45 fuss, no muss. In a way, it was a blessing to be in such a hurry, because I didn't really have the time to dwell on the remaining lumps, rolls, and ever present weight-loss sag. I am still not even CLOSE to being toned, I look more like a melted candle then a fit and thin woman. Of course, I only have myself to blame, as I have still not really dedicated myself to a toning/strength training regimen. Or any regimen at all, really. I think my last workout was a month ago...

Anyway, I now own a swimming suit for the first time in a couple of years, and for the first time in about ten years it isn't one with a skirt-type bottom. (I have a very generous lower body) It is two pieces, but the top is long so they totally meet in the middle, even overlap, so it is just as good as a one-piece. The bottoms are boy-shorts, so there is adequate coverage I suppose, but not as forgiving as those wonderful skirt-bottom ones! Perhaps I'll post a pic for you guys, but it'll have to wait till I both shave my legs and let my ugly, red sunburn (with drastically different tan-lines then the suit so they REALLY stand out) fade away.

Now, if only I had a pool....

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Living in a state of constantly falling apart

So, tonight has found me in the middle of a big, ugly panic attack. For the past four hours, I've been an outright mess. Thankfully, my Hubby has gotten good over the past 13 years at reading my moods and helping me work my way through them, and he hung in there with me and I'm starting to feel a bit better.

I thought I'd sit down and write a bit, maybe get some more of the junk out of my head so I'll be able to sleep, especially since it is now after 1:00 am and I'm on day who-even-knows-what (16 ? Maybe 17?) of terrible, sporadic, almost-no sleep. Seriously, my insomnia situation is starting to freak me out, but that is another post for another time!

I don't know if I've ever shared my mental issues on this blog or not, but they are a HUGE part of my life, going back into my childhood as far as I can remember. I have some depression, most of the time that part is pretty manageable, but my main issue is anxiety. High, uncontrollable anxiety. Panic attacks, chronic worry, obsessive thoughts, a paralyzing phobia. Every day, every situation, every part of my life is wrapped around and pretty much controlled by this, and frankly I'm exhausted.

Oddly, I'm getting worse with time, even though I always expected that with maturity I'd overcome it. It is starting to really scare me, the thought that by the time that I'm elderly I'll be without my Mom and possibly my husband (they are my two rocks throughout it all) and be even worse (!) and I'll not know how to survive it. This is quickly becoming one of my new obsessive fears. Nice.

One of the other things that always tended to help me deal with my mental issues was my spiritual life, but sadly I'm really struggling these days with my relationship with God. Truly, I'm angry and confused, and don't know what to do with those feelings most of the time. I usually try to bottle those feelings up and just have as much faith as I can muster...but then I come to this place time and time again. I can't ignore my questions and doubts and I come to the end of my faith. I just fall apart, and honestly every time I eventually find my way back, but during the lull I feel so lost and alone. Why is this so hard?

Phew. I'm kinda coughing up everything all in one psychotic post! Believe it or not, this is seriously just the tip of the iceberg of my mental illness. The good news is that I am actually feeling better after getting this little bit of it off of my chest! It's now 2:21 in the morning, but these days I'm quite familiar with being wide awake at this hour. I'm just happy that sleep tonight even seems like a possibility to me hour ago I wasn't so sure.

So look...I'm aware that this is showing WAY more of my mess than I've exposed here in the past and I'm not going to edit it for now...perhaps with daylight I'll come to my senses and delete it, perhaps not. What difference does it really make, anyway?

Here's the thing:
1. I'm greatly flawed. Screwed up, even.
2. I'm pretty isolated in my life and don't really have many friends.
3. I can't afford therapy and I'm dealing with this non-medicated.

Those things all added up mean that I need an outlet from time to time, so if it ends up here, who am I to care? Sometimes I get tired of hiding the mess, sometimes I just plain need to blurt it all out. This? Was a bit of a blurt, I'd say. Whatever. I need sleep, obviously. :-)

Monday, June 21, 2010


Once upon a time I had a blog that WASN'T about food, exercise, and losing weight. I talked about my life, homeschooling my kid, my struggles, and my joys. Even politics. I ranted, I raved, I vented many grievances. Sometimes (oftentimes!) I even talked about nothing at all.

I made lots of friends, people I would never meet in 'real' life but who became a part of my life nonetheless. We bonded in the oddest ways and it was good...until it wasn't.

As time went on, I found myself sharing less and less of myself there, and I have no idea why. I didn't really have a bad experience, I just felt the need to move on...and so I did. Just deleted the blog one day and since then I've been completely without regret.

For the past year or so, I've had this little blog. It has been all about my struggle to lose some excess weight and keep it off...boring but helpful to me as I went along. Again, I met new people (although far fewer than the first time around) and shared a tiny bit of myself whenever the mood hit...which is also much less than the first time around. It has served it's purpose, this blog, and I've decided that instead of deleting it, I'm going to keep it around...but expand it a bit.

No longer will I feel driven to only post about my diet or exercise or (more often) the lack thereof. If I feel like posting about my favorite television show, a funny trip to the grocery store, something I read in the news, whatever...I shall. Does that mean I'll post more often? No idea. I'd love to say yes, but I know myself well! Does this mean that this blog will be as exhaustive as my original blog was at one time? Not even close.

I'll most likely continue to NOT post about my daughter or husband much, simply because I began to feel like I was sharing too much on the other blog and perhaps as my daughter gets older she won't be appreciative of her life being discussed online!

I'll most likely not be as political or controversial as I once was, because I've moved on from that place in my life. I've learned that the less I concern myself with such things, the better. I suppose in a way I'm the person I used to be so frustrated with -- bury my head in the sand and hope things will all work out -- but I have enough stress in my life, thankyouverymuch! Although I do occasionally still discuss those things with dear Hubby, I've no desire to share my opinions with others these days.

So anyway, just the heads up in case anyone cares. :-)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

My Summer so far

So I just spent the better part of two weeks in bed! My daughter passed a cold virus on to me and after the first two/three days it turned into something much more sinister...most likely bronchitis. Ugh. I was so sick! The worst part was the fact that I completely stopped sleeping at night, for eleven nights in a row, because I was coughing and choking and hacking nonstop every time I even came close to laying down.

One of the symptoms was a serious lack of appetite so you'd think I'd have dropped a bunch of weight, but sadly the little bit of food I was eating was pretty much all junk food...chips, tons of ice cream, peanut butter...not to mention that I was absolutely sedentary that entire two weeks, so it all kinda evened out. I am weighing in around 119-120 right now, but I expect that as I start eating more again I'll bounce back up again.

Then there was the isolation and loneliness! My daughter spent half of the first week sick right along with me, but her dad entertained her over the weekend and the entire second week she was gone with church activities from 8am to 9pm each I was all alone. (Can you hear the violins?) Hubby was avoiding me completely the whole sickness, trying desperately to stay healthy himself, and I don't blame him. We certainly can't afford for him to miss any work right now! was just me, my humidifier, the tv, and the internet. BORING. So seriously mindnumbingly boring. I'm pretty sure I'm dumber now than I was two weeks ago. ;-)

I watched the movie 'Australia' one night and wow, what a bad movie! I also watched 'Vanity Fair' with Reese Witherspoon (who I just love) and it was a bit better, but not great. (I have no idea why I'm sharing all this info with you...) There was a Law and Order marathon one day, a House marathon another. At one point I had nearly emptied the Tivo, which is unheard of around here. Truthfully, most of the days are just a feverish blur of nothingness, laying there refreshing facebook and my email every five minutes, desperate for a link to the real world...

Honestly, I think I kinda (just slightly) crossed into the insanity part of not sleeping a few times. A few times I became convinced I'd just never sleep again (and truthfully I'm still worried I won't sleep without Nyquil again!) and that I'd never, ever get better. I remember vividly one night at 4-ish in the morning thinking that life as I knew it was over. Dra-ma. ;-)

Hubby did a great job of keeping the house (relatively) cleaned up and dishes done. He even did a couple of loads of laundry for me! He kept the freezer stocked with ice cream and popsicles, made tons of trips to the pharmacy for me -- including one at 2:00 in the morning -- and stopped at the store more times than I can count. He is a good and patient man. Oh, and I finally got a full on hug from him this morning, although he still hasn't given me any kisses yet. Makes me laugh because usually I am the freaky germaphobe in the family! :-)

The worst part of the whole situation is that I feel like a big chunk of summer was stolen from me! I mean, one day it is the fifth of June and the next thing I know it's June 18th! What the heck?! Not fair one bit!

So...that's my Summer so far. Pity party much? LOL. I hope yours has been MUCH better...honestly, it HAS to have been!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Little changes add up...right?

When I first started really trying to lose weight I decided to make small changes instead of big ones. For example, I didn't start working out two hours a day and cutting whole food groups like carbs completely out of my diet...I knew I couldn't maintain those things for very long!

So, I simply traded my sweet snack of choice at the time (Peanut m&m's) for 100 calorie packs and dark chocolate Hershey kisses. I traded my afternoon chip-fest for string cheese, almonds, and yogurt. I traded huge, overflowing plates (and seconds) at dinner for smaller plates and no seconds. I added fruits and veggies. I cut back on butter and cheese.

Small changes...but ones that led to weight loss over time. No quick fix. No drastic measures. Some of my changes were harder than others, and sometimes I wondered if they were making any difference, but eventually I saw the benefits.

So lately I wondered if this strategy would work in other areas of my life as well. At the grocery store, for example. Our food budget is much smaller these days than it used to be and I'm finding ways to make small changes that will hopefully add up to savings. Clipping coupons. Switching from bottled water to tap. Switching to frozen concentrated OJ. Cutting back on my daily coffee and switching to a cheaper brand. Using rags and dish towels instead of paper towels. Reducing the amount of side dishes I make. No more 100 calorie packs...except for the almonds because they are just worth it. (For real.) No more microwave meals for lunch. (That one is HARD!) There are more, but you get the idea.

Small changes, that will hopefully add up to make a difference.

Okay, so how about even MORE using this strategy to change my attitude? For example, using silence more often. Last night I was feeling grumpy and wanted to be rude to my husband, but instead I kinda just made a small decision to be silent for a bit. Now, this isn't a perfect solution (I could have just been NICE to hubby despite my feelings) but these are SMALL, baby steps...that's the point! I've been trying to make the small change of picking one thing to be thankful for when I'm feeling sorry for myself. Things like that, I'm sure I'll think of a thousand more!

So...I guess the point of this post is that maybe we'd all be better off focusing on the small things we can change instead of the big ones that overwhelm us. It takes longer to see real change perhaps, but it's better than attempting to do an instant, complete, dramatic self-makeover and failing miserably over and over and over again!

Or am I the only one who does that? :-)

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Weight today: 122.2

Still holding steady, although I'm not by any means watching what I eat enough, or exercising at all. I'm a HUGE slacker! I've started letting myself buy treats (um, junk) at the grocery store...which breaks my number one rule: the battle is won or lost at the grocery store. Um, yeah. It holds true, and I've been losing the battle lately!

So I informed Hubby last night that I have to put the breaks on all of the ice cream, Dorito's, ect. that have been finding themselves at home in our cart lately. I just have no will power when the bad alternatives are there in the kitchen waiting for me! Thankfully (hopefully!) I've caught this before I had a big gain.

Although, there was technically a gain this month if I'm being honest. Earlier this month I had dropped a couple more pounds, even weighing in under 120 one day and holding steady at 120 for about a week...but then the junk food buying spree happened and I'm back up those two pounds. So, my maintenance weight held steady but the two pound loss I was working on keeping is out the window. Oh well! Perhaps this month?

Thanks for the kind words after that last post, by the way. I was trying to get thoughts onto 'paper' so to speak and it kinda came out all pathetic, but it is what it is. ;-)

Hope that everyone is doing well and enjoying the Spring/Summer weather! It's the perfect time of year for weight loss...nice weather to exercise outside, awesome fruits and veggies to enjoy, and the incentive to look good in a tank top! :-)

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Psycho-babble jibberish

I am having one of those weeks that has been one big, fat FAIL. In every way imaginable, I have just completely sucked this week. I have been a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad dieter, a bad neighbor, a bad person. I have yelled at those who didn't deserve it, I have been a bad example, I've been self-indulgent, I have been ugly and weak, and most of all...I've been a failure.

I have all-out binged like three times....and I'm not even a binge type person. One night, on purpose, by myself, I went to the store just to buy junk food, with the sole intention of eating it all that night, simply because it had been a bad day. Earlier today I ate really high fat, high calorie food that I didn't even particularly care for, just to eat it. To feed the pain. Complete comfort food. Trying to self-medicate instead of using any measure of self-discipline.

Truth is, I've stopped even trying.

I have not exercised in 10 days. Not even a little. I'm completely slacking and deep down inside I know that I'm self-sabotaging. I feel ugly so I treat myself ugly. I don't 'deserve' to be thin and fit. I don't even feel like I deserve to be healthy.

I am struggling.

Confession is good for the soul, or so they say. So here is my confession: I hate myself. In fact, I am so full of self-hate today that I am feeling it deep down in my core, to the point of almost physical pain. It isn't because of the diet/exercise fail, it is what leads to the diet/exercise fail. What should be easy is hard. What should be hard is unbearable. Everything feels big and I feel small. I wonder how those around me can stand me...even I would love to escape from me.

This thinking, this feeling, is how I got fat in the first place.

To find a way to live with such a feeling of self-loathing requires a systematic emotional numbing of myself. If I move too much -- getting out of the house, exercising, socializing, having fun -- I start to feel too alive, too aware of the yuck, so I don't do anything other than what is absolutely necessary. To eat right requires too much clear-headed thinking and my mind won't we order pizza. Sugar and salt numb my brain, so bring it on in large quantities. The computer or a good book can be wonderful I sit in my comfy chair and surf the web or lose myself in a book for hours.


Oh, and let us not forget that self-loathing has a friend, and it's name is self-destructiveness.

Self destructiveness is one of the hardest patterns to break free from, let me tell you. It is deceptive, it hides, and it disguises itself as self-appreciation or even self-love. For example...what feels, at the time, like a reward (a bag of chips, skipping a workout, ect) for getting through a bad day is actually, subconsciously, a self administered punishment for the 'sins' I've committed to create said bad day. I've been (perhaps unknowingly? Perhaps not?) trying to take away what I've accomplished because deep
down inside I feel that I don't deserve anything good in my life. Ugly deserves ugly. Pain just brings more pain. Punishment is deserved.

Does this even make any sense?

Honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is what was on my mind today. I am truly sorry for the rambling, ridiculous post. I'm just trying to figure a few things out, obviously! I'm a mess, therefore my diet/exercise plan is a mess...and I just wanted to come clean and perhaps start to get to the root of the problem. I'm afraid it goes deep.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

It's already time for the May weigh-in! Things are holding weight this morning was 123.2, which is exactly the same as it was last month!

Exercise has been spotty, if I'm being honest. I'll be really faithful and working hard for a few weeks and then slack off for a couple of weeks. I know I need to be way more consistent with this, especially since I still have quite a bit of toning up to do!

Hopefully one of these days I'll have some great pics of me all toned up and looking great...but first I have to convince myself to pick up the stinking weights and workout! It'll happen, I believe in me! :)

Have a great May is one of my favorite months!

Thursday, April 1, 2010

April weigh-in

Monthly weigh-in time! Today's weight is 123.2 so we're holding steady. Well, steady-ish. I've been up and down between 122 and 125 all month, but that's alright, as long as I'm not going above 125, like I did briefly not long ago!

This week marks two special anniversaries for me: It marks one year since I officially started my diet/weight loss journey, and it also marks six months since I reached my goal and started maintenance! It has been quite a journey on both counts, but I'm feeling pretty good the whole year overall.'s to another year of trying to make good food decisions and staying active. It's a daily battle, but one that is really worth it in the end.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

A couple of steps back and a step forward again

So, a few days ago I weighed in at 126.6, which is my highest since my goal was met and very much going in the absolute wrong direction. I know it isn't that bad numbers wise, especially considering where I was in the beginning, but was still stressing me out. The reason it bothers me so much is that it demonstrates a definite upward trend, and a quick one at that, since it's only been five months since I hit my goal weight. I know that if I don't nip this in the bud and soon, I'll end up right back where I started, and possibly even higher. It's happened to me in the past and I've read MANY blogs that tell the exact same story.

I do NOT want to yo-yo at this point. I want to be consistent!

So, that is why I'm concerned about an almost four pound gain. I'm not trying to be overly dramatic, I'm simply trying to be proactive. Hope you guys understand. :-)

Anyway, I've been exercising really well in February in March so I knew my diet was the culprit. I've been letting myself eat pretty much whatever I wanted again. I got into a really bad habit of eating Special K as munchy food. It's easy to fool yourself into thinking it's okay because it isn't candy or chips or's diet cereal! So, I'd fill up a coffee mug of dry Spec K and munch it while I'd watch tv, surf the internet, or read a book...sometimes refilling the mug before I was done. I was pretty much doing this every single day for a couple of weeks.

That is just one example of how I'd slipped back into old habits, there are many more I could tell. Needless to say, I'd stopped really trying. SO. I just started trying again. And you know what? It only took four days of cracking down to get me back under 123 again! Amazing.

I just have to continually remind myself that it is a daily fight and actually engage with that fight. I've never been one to be perfect 100% of the time. I let myself have treats and cheats to keep myself sane. BUT. I can't let it become constant treats and cheats! I also need to realize that just because it isn't cake that I'm munching all day doesn't mean it can't add up and cause weight gain if I don't practice moderation.

Truthfully, I hate the idea that I'm going to have to watch my eating for the rest of my life, but that is just the way it is. I have to be ever vigilant if I'm going to maintain this loss, period.

Hopefully everyone is doing well. It is finally almost SPRING! I can't tell you what a relief that is to me. Today is gray, windy, and rainy...but it is still better than the constant barrage of snow we got in February! Tonight we turn back the clocks and that means longer days, backyard bonfires, walks after dinner, and summer around the corner. GOOD stuff. ENJOY! :-)

Monday, March 1, 2010

Still up...

My monthly weigh-in is officially 125.2. UGH. That is the magic number that puts me back into 'diet' mode again. I am VERY frustrated, because I have worked out extremely hard the past few weeks, both cardio and strength training.

SO....time to crack down on my eating again. It is the only way. Hopefully the April weigh in will look much better!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Exercise yes, diet...not so much

So I'm just going to come out and say it: I am struggling!

The scale has not been my friend for most of this winter. I am back up to 125 (and sometimes 125.5 or even 126) and I can't seem to get the numbers to go back down. Here's the worst part: I have actually been working out really faithfully...and I even added in the dreaded strength training that I've been avoiding for so long. Let me tell you, it is so frustrating to be working out so hard that I feel it all over my body for a couple of days afterward...yet it isn't giving me any good results.

Again, for whatever reason, it is the food that seems to make things happen for me. I could work out all day long and not see the scale move one ounce, yet on the other extreme if I eat under 1200 calories a day and sit on my butt doing nothing, then the scale cooperates. UGH! I just want to eat what I want!!

Well to put it bluntly, my eating has NOT been great. I've been dealing with a ton of life problems and I have pretty much turned to comfort food. Not really editing much these days...that is the best way to put it. For example, I used to make chicken fajitas but eat mine without the tortillas. But these days I eat them with tortillas again, adding 300 calories to dinner a few days ago. I used to not make white I am again. I used to carefully plan ahead using the internet before eating out, now I just order whatever I want again...including a brownie sundae a couple weeks ago! No editing going on at all.

I just cook what I want, order what I want, eat snacks, whatever. My water intake is down again, too. I know what to do to turn this around, but I'm just not really doing it. There are no 'good' snacks in the house, so I eat chips or handfuls of cereal straight from the box. (Side note: WHY do I keep buying junk?!? I have forgotten my dieting mantra: The battle is won or lost at the grocery store!) So many nights I'm just really mentally exhausted, so I ask Hubby to bring home pizza, no longer editing the breadsticks, by the way...and this happens a couple of times a week. BLAH.

Yeah, I know it does NO good to come here and whine about it, I should just DO it already, right?? Yep. I really should...

Friday, February 12, 2010

Random pics for no reason at all...

I have been meaning to post this pic forever...
It just blows my mind how much different my face looked! Had to get it on here for a reminder of what I'm trying to prevent from happening again.

Just for fun, here's a pic I just scanned onto my computer from all the way back in 1997...

Hubby and I the year we got married. How cute are we? :)

Monday, February 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in

Well, my monthly weigh-in was up a pound and a half to 124.5. UGH. I hate that I wasn't able to take off that extra weight yet...but I WILL. Oh yes, I will.

On a possibly related note, I am still just 'spotting' and haven't officially started my monthly yet. It's been five days of this! I have had full-blown PMS the whole time, too...which has totally kicked my booty. I don't know what the heck is going on with my body right now. During the past few days I've had a few long episodes of heart palpitations, severe cramps and headaches, and of course the lovely night sweats, so I'm thinking it's just a big mess of peri-menopause.

BUT! I'm not using that as an excuse for the gain. I gained this weight early in the month, and I had time before last week to lose it but didn't. I slowed my metabolism down by slacking on exercise late last year and now I've got to just rev it back on up again! No biggie...I CAN do this!!

Thursday, January 28, 2010

One pound to go!

Hello there! Yep, I'm still plugging away, just haven't been checking in much, since there's not a lot to say. I'm weighing in at 124 consistently now, which means I am down one of the two pounds I gained. My monthly weigh-in is in just a few days and I'd really like to be back to 123 by then, but I had a little surprise that may de-rail that plan!

For the first time that I can ever remember, I have started my monthly a full week early! What is up with that?? Granted, it isn't 'full-blown' just yet (I assume you ladies know what I mean) but I never, ever do this early. I am usually 27-28 days like clockwork! Hmmmm. Very weird.

I guess I don't really mind just getting it out of the way, but it does seriously throw a wrench in the losing one more pound before the 1st of February plan! I am still working out, despite my threats not to do so anymore, if for no other reason than I use the exercise as anxiety/depression medication. Can't afford the real stuff, so it's the best I can do! Still just using the treadmill and running/walking intervals for now. I really do plan on moving on to more variety and strength training workouts soon (I keep saying that!) but I'm waiting for the other pound to drop first. I'm looking forward to a summer where I might brave wearing tank tops and even SHORTS again! (Yikes, that sounds scary) Gotta tone the arms and legs....

Not much else to tell. I'm doing a little bit better mood-wise. The past two months have been BRUTAL! I'm hoping this upswing will continue, but we'll see. I just really, really, really want Spring to come. Missing walks in the park SO much. :-)

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Did another peek weigh-in...

Well, dang. I'm back at 125 again! This is crazy...I feel like I've reset my body to think 125 is the norm now! NO NO NO! Shoot...

So, this is the most frustrating part of it: from October through December when I wasn't working out regularly, I maintained 122/123 without even trying, even pigging out on Christmas cookies. Now that I'm working out regularly again this month, I'm up two or three pounds and can't seem to shake them! What the heck is up with that?!? Should I stop working out and see if they drop off? That doesn't even make sense. Ugh.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

So distracted

So, how is everyone doing? My eating is up and down, back and forth. My workouts are pretty steady now at three times a week. I'm not weighing in much now, hoping to not obsess on the numbers again.

That's the status of my weight loss life. The rest of my life? Ugh.

I'm struggling with ANOTHER down cycle, perhaps the same as the one I've been dealing with for the past couple of months that I've never really snapped out of completely. It sucks. I'm SO tired all of the time, so stressed, so easy to snap. I feel dark...does that even make sense? I'm actually doing better the last couple of days, so it isn't the worst it could be, but still bad. I hate this!!

Also, the Haiti earthquake and current crisis is always close to my thoughts, although I have had to force myself not to watch too much coverage or I start freaking out. I can not believe how terrible it is there, and how every time I think they've hit rock bottom I see a story that is so much worse than the one before! I realized today in the shower that they've not showered for a week now. I know, that is the least of their concerns, but it is just one more thing we're all taking for granted that they no longer can. Sigh.

I could go on and on about what I've seen and heard is going on in Haiti, but I'll stop there and do something more productive. If anyone reading this is thinking of giving a donation to help out in Haiti but don't know what charities to trust, I want to suggest Convoy of Hope.

They are in the unique position of already having a system in place in Haiti to reach many people. They were already feeding some 7,000 Haitians a day before the earthquake hit. Since the quake they are now serving around 100,000 daily. They have systems in place right now to provide not only food but water and medical help to those who need it...but they are quickly running out of supplies. I know we're all doing what we can, but if you still haven't taken the time to give something or want to do more than you've already done, I hope you will check out their website and donate whatever you feel led to give.

Sorry to go on a tangent today, but I am just feeling broken for these people and had to say something. It feels terrible to go on and blog about trying to cut back on food while literally millions are starving right this very minute! How very blessed we are...

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Is it Spring yet?

I am happy to report that my weigh-in this morning was back on track! I'm going to continue to monitor my weight every few days this month to make sure it stays there though. :-)

I'm focusing on cardio at least 3 days a week now, and I may add in my strength training on the other 2 days now that my numbers are back down. I have a weird paranoia about strength training working against my weight loss efforts, mostly because it totally has in the past. For my body, cardio = weight loss and strength training = no weight loss. I go with what works.

Does anyone else miss the sun? I am. I want Spring to come SO badly that I can taste it. Winter is hard for me and my moods. I have been fighting a major down cycle for a couple of months and all I want to do is lay in bed eating junk. Seriously, I could go to bed right now, I am that tired! I'm not leaving the house very often, either, which isn't good. I just want to hibernate...