Saturday, October 30, 2010


So, I said I'd do my official weigh-in this morning and it is down to 123.6 which is a loss of 2.4 pounds for the week.

That's what I was hoping to see, honestly. Basically, I'm back to my goal weight again...but I do think I'm going to push through to see if I can get down to 120, which is closer to the middle of what is considered 'normal' for my height on the bmi charts. It's something I've considered doing since I got to my original goal a year ago, but never had the motivation to try.

I'll visit that thought again on Monday, for now I'm just going to try and be good over the weekend and not un-do all my hard work this week! ;-) Have a great weekend, everyone.

Friday, October 29, 2010


So, last night was pizza night here in my house, but I did pretty well overall, only eating two cheese slices and one breadstick. I entered everything into Sparkpeople and even with the pizza I was under my calorie limit for the day!

BUT. This morning I did a weigh-in, even though I was going to wait until tomorrow for an 'official' Saturday morning weigh-in...and yes, I'm down (124.4 from 126 on Monday) but honestly I was hoping for more than that. I know, I happy with any loss. It's just that I've been SO good all week and 124.4 is still higher than I'm used to seeing...

I suppose I'm just having a really bad morning (my depression/anxiety is always worst in the morning) and I'm wallowing in the yuck a bit. Sorry. :)

Anyway, day 4 went well. Eating within range and got my workout done. Onward to day 5!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Plugging along...and dangling on the edge

Day four of being back to work on the diet/exercise program again! So far, I'm sticking to the plan on the eating side just fine. I'm entering all of my food onto Sparkpeople and staying within my calorie range each day. Actually, Tuesday I was UNDER my calorie range, which technically isn't good but I wasn't hungry so I just went with it. One day won't kill me. ;-)

Exercise has been okay. Monday and Tuesday I hit the treadmill and picked up right where I left off, doing the running/walking intervals for 30 minutes. Well...I probably should have eased back into it because yesterday I was wrecked. I could barely walk, my legs were so achy! I was also so fatigued that I wasn't really fully functioning whatsoever, so needless to say I took a rest day from workouts yesterday. So far today I am feeling a bit better, and hopefully I'll get a workout later today!

Mentally I'm dangling on the edge of a down cycle, but not actually in it yet. I hate this feeling, but I suppose it's better than riding out a week in the dark pit itself. I'm really hoping it passes before I get there. There is so much I want to say on this topic, so many thoughts that are tormenting me that I'd love to get out onto the screen, but I'm hesitant of doing it. I feel so exposed when I share too much, and really, does it help long term? So for now I am just trying to get through, as usual, because it just isn't something I have much control over when you get right down to it.

So I am trying to control what I can weight! I haven't weighed myself all week, I think I'm waiting till Saturday like the old days, so we'll see if I'm making any difference this week at all. Hope everyone is doing well and for those of us in the midwest...hope you aren't blowing away! :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

How'd my day go?

So, it was my first day back using Sparkpeople did I do? Well, the first thing I've go to say is that I totally forgot how quickly you can consume all of your allotted calories for the day! I had one measly little enchilada with broccoli on the side for dinner and now I have no extra calories left over for a snack later! Although...air popped popcorn won't add many calories...

I did get my workout in...and I'm LOVING having the treadmill back! It is truly my absolute favorite way to workout. It felt SOOOO good! I'm one bottle of water away from meeting my daily goal...and I should have no problem getting it in before bedtime. All in all, I did well today.

But I do have to admit that I'm hungry. I've gotten so spoiled apparently! Oh well. A little hunger won't kill me, right? ;-)

Some thoughts this morning

Just a few quick notes on a gray Monday morning:

*My treadmill is finally fixed...woo hoo! I'll be using it today for the first time in many months. So excited!

*I started using Sparkpeople again today. Why, you ask? Because I'm up to 126 again this morning. I thought for sure I'd go down a pound or two after my TOM passed, but nope. It seems to be sticking. Crap.

*I am so annoyed with myself. Literally within DAYS of my one-year maintenance anniversary I gain weight and it decides to stick around. Stinking Oreos got the best of me. (Okay okay, there was ice cream involved, too. And cake. Little Debbies. Even a couple of Reese's Cups. But I'm convinced the Oreo's are what did it. Little devil cookies, they are!)

Happy Monday to us all. May this week be a good (and Oreo free) one! :)

Friday, October 22, 2010

I got tagged twice today so I'm going to do them both in one, giant blog post!

First, I was tagged by Dawn , who is very clever and funny and if you don't read her already you should...

7 Interesting Things About Me You Might Not Know: (Which I am alternately calling 7 freaky things about me you might not know, just cuz there's so many of those that I can't NOT list them!)
1. I have a crooked toe. It's the second toe on my right foot and it's been crooked for as long as I've been aware of it, no idea why. My husband talks to it sometimes. Yeah.

2. The soft spot on the top of my head (you know, what babies have) never closed up. One sharp, precisely aimed blow to the head and I'm a-goner. In theory. ;-)

3. My back is way crooked. (Sensing a theme yet?) I was diagnosed with scoliosis in junior high and instead of actually, I don't know, fixing parents in their infinite wisdom decided to use an experimental treatment on me. It's hard to explain...but basically I had two electrodes taped to my back each night with a little machine on the other end. It sent a shock to my back every few seconds that supposedly tensed the muscles surrounding my spine and aligned it. It was even more painful than it sounds, I used it every night for TWO years, and didn't work. So, my back is still crooked. And yes, I have constant back pain.

4. I am a huge germaphobe. I actually have a phobia of vomiting called emetophobia and suffered from it even as very small child. It sounds like no biggie, but in reality it kinda controls my life at times.

5. I married my husband after only knowing him four months. Nope, I was not pregnant, just young and in love.

6. I go through these weird cycles of either absolutely needing the TV on to sleep or can't sleep at all if it's on. I have no idea what flips the switch inside of me from one to the just happens. Oh, and I can't sleep without a fan on, either. That one is pretty constant.

7. As a tween/teen, I had a king sized waterbed. I know, totally weird. My dad came across a buy-one-get-one offer of some sort, so my two younger sisters had twin sized beds (I honestly can't remember if theirs were waterbeds, too) and since he wanted a king-sized waterbed for him, I got the other one. I wonder if my friends thought I was cool?

Okay. Moving on...

The next one is from Summer, who is also on a weight loss journey and has a little daughter who she just started to homeschool! I am supposed to answer the following questions:

Where do you dream of traveling to one day, and why?
Well, I would LOVE to go Hawaii one day. Every time I see a show based there on TV, I start asking my husband if we can just move there. I mean really, WHY live anywhere else?

What do you like to do for fun?

As boring as it sounds, I just like to hang out with my family. We watch movies or play board games, go shopping, go walk or ride our bikes at the park, that kind of thing. If I'm alone, I like to read a good book or watch a movie, nothing exciting. I'm pretty boring for the most part. ;-)

What style of music do you prefer and why?
This one is so easy...80's music! Why? Two reasons: it reminds me of my youth, and we totally had the best music of all time back then.

What movies or TV shows do you like and why?
My current favorite TV shows are: House, Chuck, The Middle, Modern Family, The Office, and Big Bang Theory. My favorite TV shows of all time are Lost and Arrested Development, and if you haven't watched them, you really should. :-)

What Frustrates you and why?
SO much frustrates me, where do I start?! Well, it frustrates me when so-called fathers don't support their children. It frustrates me when people act like no one else matters in the world but them...for example, walking down the middle of the road and then getting mad when you dare come driving down with your car and they actually have to move. Or when people blare their music with no thought of anyone around them. That kind of thing. It also frustrates me when I see blatant injustice and there's nothing I can do about it. Oh, I could REALLY go on about this one! However, moving on...

What is your favorite food? And for dessert?
Here I have to agree with Summer, PIZZA. :-) Dessert? Hmmmm. Perhaps a fresh from the oven slice of pie with a scoop of ice cream on the side, all melty. Yum. :-)

What is your favorite color?
Don't really have one! Boring, sorry.

Do you prefer cool or warmer weather and why?
SO hard to answer this one! I love both cool and warm, but not hot or cold. Summer and Winter...yuck. Spring and Fall? Perfect. And the why is because I'm a big ole wimp.

Phew! All done! Okay, now for tagging, which I super duper hate doing. I don't even know who reads here regularly anymore! Here goes:

Dawn, for the second one
Summer, for the first one
Marcy, either one she wants or both
Donetta, anything to get her blogging again!
Jo, either one she wants or both

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Slight pause for wimpiness

So the diet/exercise thing is kinda paused for a couple of days for my TOM. Oh, I know, that isn't an excuse to stop trying, but my periods hit hard with some serious cramping and it pretty much lays me up for about two days each month. Actually, the whole thing tends to pass quicker the older I get, so I just try and ride them out the best I can. Exercise is extremely hard while you can't even stand upright because of cramps, and the eating, well, you know. ;-)

But it's just for another day or two and I'll be back at it hard. I hope. In the meantime, I'm catching up on House and Gray's Anatomy on Hulu and trying to stay warm in my pretty-stinking-chilly house! Hubby says NO heat for awhile so....sweaters, sweatshirts, blankets, and lots of hot coffee are happening over here. At one point yesterday when the cramps were at their worst, I had all four happening at once! Wearing a sweatshirt, draped with a sweater-shawl, covered by a blanket, and sipping a cup of coffee! I'm a big wimp during my TOM, can ya tell?

I had one of my bad mornings today (I'll explain in a later post what my bad mornings are like, it is not PMS related) but it's after 10 am now and I'm already doing better, thank God. We're about to start schooling (ugh, I should post how THAT is going, too! 7th grade is HARD!) and then my daughter has her last volleyball game of the season this afternoon and I am REALLY hoping to not be in as much pain by then. Tonight is pizza night (don't judge me) and tomorrow is Friday...hurray for the weekend. :-)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Am I free?

I was just reading a blog for the first time, and trying to 'get to know' the blogger by reading back through a month or so before committing to being a regular reader....and, what? Is that weird? Am I the only one who borderline blog-stalks someone on the first visit to their blog? ;-)

ANYWAY...I was looking at some pics of her and her family...all of them (frankly, quite more than) pleasantly plump...yet, all looking very happy and beautiful...sitting at a table eating some yummy (yet very fattening) food, all with very full plates and joyful smiles on their faces. I didn't judge them for any of this, quite the opposite actually, I found myself feeling almost envious of them. Wishing I could just sit down and eat with abandon all the yummy foods that I crave. Go back for seconds, thirds, dessert, ect. and not feel bad about it. Just enjoy what I want to enjoy in whatever portion I feel like eating. Envious of their freedom.

I mean, they LOOKED so happy! Big, yet still beautiful. Enjoying their food, enjoying their lives.

Yet, I really have no idea whatsoever if they actually FELT happy or if they felt regretful after that meal. I have no idea if they are sick in their bodies, with high blood pressure or diabetes. I have no clue if they have trouble walking or going up stairs, if they are short of breath or achy all over. I don't know if they are actively trying to lose weight and this meal was a fluke, a failure, or if they eat that way all of the time and have no regrets. I don't know anything at all about the people in the photo. Did they really FEEL free??

I do however, know myself pretty darn well. I know that I'd be happy for awhile as I ate that wonderful meal, but terribly regretful later. I know that I would be so miserable if I gained that much weight, no longer able to run with my husband or practice volleyball with my daughter. I know I'd be ashamed of every pair of jeans in a larger size that I'd have to go and buy, and every ten pounds I'd gain would feel like putting on chains. My knees would ache again, my back would be strained, I'd be constantly out of breath...and those were just all the things only 40 extra pounds brought me...imagine my condition after two hundred extra. I don't think I'd be smiling much, honestly. Doesn't really sound like freedom, really.

So I have to ask myself, is food worth it to me? Is that kind of 'freedom' worth the price I'd ultimately pay?

Dark, ugly confession: I am a person who constantly feels like I'm missing out on something other people have. I feel like I'm being cheated...of a nicer house, a nicer car, better clothes, more friends, family living nearby, disposable income, vacations, better hair-nails-skin-legs-whathaveyou....get the picture? I struggle with discontent in almost every area of my life. I think that is what I'm actually feeling when I see pics like that...that I'm somehow being cheated of eating all the cake I want to eat, all the pasta my stomach can hold, cheated of a freedom they have that I don't. Simply put, I'm feeling like it's not fair!

How silly. How embarrassing to admit, yet strangely empowering to realize. I have to find my contentment where I am, in every area of my life, not just food. As a Christian, this is extremely important to me, and I've been working on it (off and on) for many years. I believe I should have joy (which is different from happiness) in all things at all times! This should include when I'm turning down a stupid cupcake or only having one piece of chicken. I am NOT being cheated, I'm choosing a different path, a different outcome, perhaps even a different life. Every choice, no matter how big or small, has it big or small...and I can be content in my choices if I remember the BIGGER picture.

I still have freedom, but my freedom LOOKS different than theirs. I am free to run/walk/ride/skip/climb, free to breathe deeply, free to live longer and healthier perhaps. No, I can't go eat an entire box of cookies every day like I may wish I could, but I am free of the guilt and shame it would bring, free of the inevitable chains that would accompany it eventually. This is a freedom of a different color, a freedom that I choose. And, for now this very minute, I am content in that!

Just a lot of heavy thoughts on a Tuesday morning...sorry about that. Working stuff out, I suppose!

Monday, October 18, 2010

The good and the bad of my weekend

Well, I had both good and bad over the weekend...


Had two long walk/runs with Hubby at the park. He always pushes me to go faster and farther than I go on my own, which is awesome. The colors in the park were so beautiful and the walks just put me in a really super good mood.

I didn't have any terrible snacks at all. Stuck to yogurt and almonds, and some baked potato chips...which isn't perfect but not terrible. I managed to skip the tortilla chips and queso dip, which hurt just a little. ;-)

Turning down donuts on Saturday morning while the rest of the family indulged!


Lots of non-home cooking, which always means more calories. Tried to make good choices though, like Saturdays lunch was a rotisserie chicken with fruit/veggies on the side, which is actually something that should go into the 'good' category, but home-cooking is one of my goals so overall, bad.

Some late-night baked chips in bed last night. :-( Stopped myself before it was an outright binge though!

No workout on Saturday, although I did do a lot of walking between garage sales. ;-)

Weight this morning is still 125...which means the pound and a half I dropped last week is staying off, but I still haven't officially dropped below my magic cut-off number. Trying to remember it takes time.

So, Monday. So far nothing to report, other than a rainy day is going to hinder my laps, but perhaps I'll get motivated to put in a video later! Oh, and PMS this week, so I'm bracing myself...

Friday, October 15, 2010

Getting back up...

So yeah, last night was a not-so-great pizza dinner. If I'd have just stopped at the pizza, which was veggies only, I'd have been kinda, sorta alright. BUT. I also loaded up on these cheesy breadsticks that brought TEARS to my eyes, they were just so good. Kinda worth it, sad to say. ;)

Today, so far that is, has been better. Did two laps this morning and I'm planning on two more with Hubby tonight. Ate a light breakfast and lunch, had a great snack a few minutes ago...yogurt and almonds. Tonight is a bit tricky though, since my daughter is going to a party and Hubby and I are on our own for dinner. Usually, if it's just the two of us we splurge for Penn Station (They have a chicken marinara sub that is SO good...with vinegar fries on the side, of course!) or something else that is NOT a good dinner while I'm trying to lose a few pounds.

There's always Subway...but I am STILL burnt out on that from LAST summer! I was eating it like 3 times a week, maybe more, and ugh. I'm over it. I can barely stomach it anymore, honestly. I could probably find something decent at a sit-down place but we're on a pretty tight budget till at least after Christmas. I'm actually thinking of just picking up a microwave dinner for me and letting Hubby get whatever he wants for himself...we'll see.

So anyway, sorry I'm posting a ton of boring 'here's my day today' posts all of a sudden...I'm finding it to be helpful accountability-wise so it is what it is!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Major pizza fail...

Need I say more?

My new bedtime snack

One of the best things I've done in a long time (diet-wise, that is) was to buy an air popper for popcorn. Honestly, I don't know why I didn't do this years ago. We only spent like $20 on it, and of course the raw popcorn costs next to nothing, and unless you add a bunch of stuff to it, the popcorn is SO low in calories while being unbelievably filling!

I've made this my bedtime snack the last two nights (yes, I should just cut the bedtime snack completely but honestly people, I'm just weak) and it has worked out so well. Hubby and kiddo love it too. Nightly (for the last two nights, that is) we've been happily munching away together, trying lots of different toppings and not having the ice cream guilt we usually do!

The first night I added spray butter and nacho cheese powder, but honestly it was just kind-of blah, so last night I tried a trick of hubby's that you might find odd...mustard! Soooo yummy. No salt, no butter, none of the chemicals that you get in microwave popcorn, just popcorny goodness. (No really, it IS good with mustard!)

Didn't weigh in this morning, as I'm currently a bit slow-moving in the digestive department again...(geesh, between the whole wheat bread, fiber cereal, apples, broccoli, and popcorn, you'd think all this fiber consumption would be helping this out!) so I'm patiently waiting to weigh in until I feel a bit, um, lighter. (I'm always about the tmi around here, what's up with that?)

Exercise yesterday: only two laps. No excuses.
Eating yesterday: on plan, except for a probably too big serving of lasagna last night for dinner.

Still plugging along...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The good and the bad

So, there have been some good decisions and some bad decisions the last couple of days. I'll share...

Good: No junky snacks. Bad: McDonalds for lunch yesterday, fries included.

Good: Did my three laps around the block Monday. Bad: Didn't do any yesterday.

Good: Used our new air popper for a healthy snack last night. Bad: Added butter.

Good: Down a pound since Monday morning, now weighing 125.6. Bad: Still above 125.

So there you have it. I'm not doing awful but I haven't found that special groove yet. I'm about to head out for my walk, going to do 2 laps and try for 2 more later. Have a healthy lunch planned but dinner, well, it's one of those busy nights where the kiddo and I both have somewhere to be around dinner time, so I'm making something not super-great but I'll work on portion sizes at the very least.

Pressing on!

Monday, October 11, 2010

Attack of the oreo cookies

I have been really, really bad. :-(

I've totally gone off the deep end with my eating. Like, fast food dinners more times than I'd like to admit and Oreo and Dorito's snacks all weekend long. Ice cream multiple times a week for weeks. Pancakes or waffles (with tons of syrup) for breakfast. Or McD's for breakfast. Or muffins for breakfast. Let's just say breakfast has been a mess. Cake all last week for my daughter's birthday. Little Debbie pumkin treats. Reese cups and peanut m&m's.

I could go on but you totally get it right? BAD.

As you can imagine, my weight is up. This morning the scale read 126.5...a full pound and a half above my magic number of 125 that sparks *diet mode* again. UGH. So, I am officially back on the weight loss train.

I still don't have the treadmill fixed so I'm walking around the block, which for some reason KILLS my feet and knees so I'm not able to walk as long or as far as I can on the treadmill, but it is what it is, for the time being at least. It's .6 miles around my block so my goal right now is to work up to 4 times around a day hopefully by the end of the week. Today I'd like to do 3 times at least...

As for my eating, obviously my junk food binge has GOT to stop. I'm due to go to the grocery store either today or tomorrow, so I'm going to be stocking up on yogurt, almonds, string cheese, popcorn, fiber bars...the snack food that I can feel better about eating. Probably some 100 calorie pack sweets and chips, too, because I know I'll want junk at some point and that's a great way of rationing it.

Dinners HAVE to be edited better. No more 4 tortilla fajita nights...just one tortilla allowed, or two corn ones. No more garlic bread with our spaghetti or lasagna...unless I make it myself with my 100% whole wheat diet bread, spray butter, and garlic powder. (Note: this is actually pretty good, so shame on me for falling back on the high cal Texas toast!) More boneless, skinless chicken breast meals once again, more brown pasta/rice, more veggies, more fruit. Back to the basics.

I am trying to remind myself that I KNOW exactly what to do to lose weight, it's just about DOING it. Last spring and summer, I simply purposed in my mind that I was going to do it and then, somehow, my mind sort of turned off to thinking about it at all. I just didn't really struggle, it just was what it was. It was oddly settled with me that I was going to eat a certain way and that was the bottom line. I have to figure out how get that mindset back.

So anyway, it's Monday morning and I'm back to work. I'm trying to look on the bright side: perhaps this is exactly the jump start I needed to get to my new goal weight! You never know. :)

Friday, October 1, 2010

Monthly weigh-in and one year anniversary!

Weight today: 124

Well, today is my ONE YEAR anniversary of meeting my goal! (Actually, I officially met my goal on Oct. 3rd but for the sake of simplicity since I now weigh in on the first of the month, I'm tweaking it a bit!) I am up one pound from what I was on that day, but I'm having some, how should I say, trouble going for a couple of days, if you know what I mean, so I'm not sweating that pound at all. It'll definitely be gone once I get, ummm, moving again. Ahem.

So, I am excited that I'm still holding steady. I've been up a couple/down a couple all year but I think that's pretty normal. It is what it is, and it ISN'T gaining everything back and then some (which I've done in the past) so I'm happy. Well, sort of. I'm used to my body now and instead of feeling all skinny and accomplished like I did a year ago, I now notice all my left over bulges and there's just so much jiggle...

So, I'm actually thinking that I'll try to lose a few more pounds over the winter. I'd at least like to make 120 my new settling weight, although I'd be super tickled to get a couple of pounds under that, if possible. Mostly, I need to do a ton of toning. I've never really dedicated myself to that over the past year, and I need to finally do it now. Too much flab and loose skin hanging (ha! literally) around for me to really feel like I look as good as I could.

So, what's the plan? Well, I'm not going to 'diet' much, I'm just going to try to reign in the crazy eating I have been allowing lately. Go back to editing my food more and thinking smaller portions, ect. The biggest thing is that I really need to get back into working out! My treadmill is still broken but Hubster is on the case and hopefully it'll be back up and running soon, and in the meantime I'll try to get outside walking whenever I can. I know I should be doing my strength training videos too, but UGH, how I HATE them! Plus, every single time I start doing them I gain weight. EVERY TIME! So, we'll see. Maybe. I don't know.

I'm going to go ahead and set a goal of hitting 120 by my birthday, Feb. 16th. That means I'd only have to lose slightly less than a pound a month till then. Do-able, right? I'm honestly not going to be devastated if it doesn't happen, but I think I'm ready to start working toward something again. If nothing else, it'll snap me out of some serious diet/exercise complacency and make sure I'm still at least maintaining the previous loss!

So there it is, my one year update. Thanks for all the support in the last year and a half, by the way. Not sure I'd have stuck to it without ya'll! :)