Sunday, May 24, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 128
Weight this morning: 128.6
Gain of .6 lbs

Yeah, I'm not going to complain about gains while I'm not working out. I was 99% good with my eating this week but didn't work out at all. Gotta get my behind moving when I get down to the last five or so pounds, no doubt about it. The only one to blame here is me! 

Sunday, May 17, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 131
Weight this morning: 128
Loss of 3 lbs

Wow! I honestly weighed myself twice because I didn't believe this one. I did NO workouts this week. NONE. I only occasionally logged calories. I went over calories more than once, I'm sure, including just yesterday.

However, I am just finishing up my monthly visit, so perhaps I was holding water weight? Also, I had a salad with chicken breast and fat free cheese FOUR days this week for lunch, a first for me, and apparently my body reacted well to this change! 

So I am FINALLY back in the 120's and I am FINALLY at the twenty pounds gone mark, for this time around, that is. Feels great! I am still lumpy and squishy and right now as I'm sitting here I have a spare tire around my middle, but at least I'm still making progress. Hopefully I'll get around to working out this week and can make some toning and tightening happen. And I'm going to keep eating those salads! :)

Sunday, May 10, 2015

Weigh in and a progress picture

Weight last week: 132
Weight this morning: 131
Loss of 1 pound

Well. It is a loss and I will take it, but dang I've been waiting to get out of the 130's for a VERY long time! My body really wants this to be where I stay, apparently. However, I'm not giving up quite yet. I know I can do better. My workouts are still pathetic in numbers, only one last week. And I had that m&m day, a bit of a cheat day yesterday, and way too much chili and cornbread on Thursday. So most definitely room for improvement.  

Oh, and I thought I'd post a progress pic since I actually have a recent pic of me! I rarely take pictures because I so hate the way I look in them, but last night was my daughter's prom and here's one of us.

Well, here's to another week of not giving up. And maybe a bit of splurging today for Mother's Day! And a big Happy Mother's Day to any mamas reading this! :)

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Some bad, some good

I'm trying not to let this blog sit dormant between weigh-ins so here I am, with a mid-week report. I'm back in the saddle, with a bit of a stumble on Tuesday night due to my first panic/anxiety episode during work. I've been doing better managing these attacks without meds and/or my go-to distraction, m&m's, but since it was during work I was in a hurry to 'fix' myself and couldn't take an anxiety pill because it would effect my m&m's it was. Not a giant amount, but not a small handful either.

Within an hour I also had a break in which I grabbed some dinner and had managed to feel 75% better, enough to have SUCH regret about eating those dang m&ms! I hate that I use them as a crutch! And why on earth does it sometimes work?! Maybe there's a blood sugar component to some of my anxiety attacks, who knows. All I know is, they may have torpedoed yet another week of seeing a loss. 

My workouts haven't evolved in the ways I'd challenged myself last time, either. I'm just an avoider of things I don't want to do! I did hit the treadmill really hard yesterday and it actually felt really good, so if nothing else I'll keep on doing that, it's better than nothing. I'm finding that working in the evenings is a thwarter of my motivation and plan making skills. Not that I couldn't make it work, I totally did the first week of work, but this second week has been different and I'm slacking during the day more. I'll figure it out, I'm sure. Of course, right when I find the right balance I'll be moving to day shift! :)

Oh, one positive note. Even though my losses have not been there recently, my body seems to be changing. I can fit my spring/summer clothes from three years ago, the ones that I started NOT fitting two summers ago and totally couldn't wear at all last summer! I gotta tell you, that felt great when I took a chance and tried them on. Not to mention saving me money, because I came very close to shopping for things, just assuming those wouldn't fit me yet. 

So anyway, lots of setbacks but also slight progress. Enough progress to keep me trying, which is all I can ask right now. Fingers crossed for the weekend, because between our friend being in town with is BBQ truck and going out for Mother's Day, my diet is in trouble! :) 

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Not giving up yet

Just checking in to say that I'm still hanging in there, not giving up like I'd mentioned on weigh in day. (Although I totally made Sunday a massive cheat day, since I was celebrating Mother's Day a week early with my mom and sisters at my favorite Chinese restaurant!) 

I'm at a loss as to what to change about what I'm eating. I added more protein and that made for a good loss the first week I did it, but I've been stalled ever since. I'm mostly under calories each day (except the VERY occasional cheat day) so I don't think I'm eating too much. My exercising could be better, averaging only about 3 days a week, but frankly from past experience I've learned my losses come from diet WAY more than exercising. 

So. What am I doing wrong?? 

In all honesty, I know if I added more workouts it wouldn't hurt, so I really should. But I'm lazy. And I hate to workout! I do love walking in the park with my husband in the evenings, but now I'm working evenings all week so that's not happening. (Maybe I'll wake him up early and go in the mornings?) I know I need to add weight training but OH HOW I HATE THAT. 

You know, now that I mention weight training, it occurs to me that I'd added that in to my routine by this weight the last time around and I never plateaued like this (for weeks!) back then. Hmmmmm. Well, dangit. I think that is something I need to force myself to do. (Insert me whining: But I don't waaaaaaaant to!)

On a different note, the job is going well, just training so far and for the next 5 weeks, and then after that I'll be in a daytime schedule and I think I'll like that better. I feel like overall I'll enjoy the job and it'll be a good fit for me. It already feels good to contribute money to the family for the first time in almost two decades, and I like having something to do other than the usual house stuff, although I hate being forced to give up doing what I want to do when I want to do it. My daughter is learning to pull her weight more around the house, and that's been long overdue, to be honest. (My fault. Being a stay-at-home mom for 16 years, I just did 99% of what needed to be done because it was my JOB, even though I knew I should be training her to be more independent, I wasn't doing enough in that area.)

Well, that's my update for today. Hopefully the changes I mentioned will actually HAPPEN and I'll see a loss this week for the first time in awhile!


Sunday, May 3, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 131.8
Weight today: 132
Gain of .2 lbs

Sigh. I haven't been perfect, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong to be GAINING weight! I'm feeling so frustrated and ready to give up. 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 131.6
Weight today: 131.8
Gain of .2 lbs

Yeah, I totally expected that but it still sucks. No big talk today of planning to do better this week. I'm still deep in the pit and I start work tomorrow. Who knows if I'll even make it through the week intact, let alone with a loss.  

Saturday, April 25, 2015

A pattern to the madness?

So I'm still in bed and it's past noon. I did get up earlier to shower and change, but then I decided to get right back into bed. Nothing to do today, no one else is home, and I am still deep inside the pit of yucky depression.

Then I started thinking of the last time I was in bed during the day. I hadn't eaten in three days and I was super depressed then, too. So I looked it up here (why this blog is so helpful to me sometimes!) and it was literally one month ago exactly. At the tail end of my period, when I usually get super moody and yucky again. Holy crap, could this be ALL hormones? 

Now, both times I had actual circumstantial 'reasons' adding to the depression, things going on in my life that suck and are completely out of my control. However, maybe something hormonal at the end of my period is actually making me incapable of dealing with the problems in a healthy manner? Making everything seem hopeless, huge, and insurmountable?

So...even though I feel like I'm never going to be happy and functional again, maybe it'll pass in a day or so like last time. Ugh. I hate how badly my hormones effect everything about me and the fact that I can't fix this, but at least it isn't everyday. I don't know how people with clinical depression deal with this daily! It is horrible and debilitating. 

Side note: I am also feeling like I'm coming down with a cold or something and last night I totally caved and binged on junk food, like I always do when I'm sick. And I ate A LOT. And it's still in the house with me my hopes aren't high for a positive outcome on the scales tomorrow. Oh well, I just don't care too much about that right now, unfortunately. I'm sure I will care tomorrow morning when I see a gain, though!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Bad week

Having a bad couple of days. I know it's partially hormones at play, as it is my time of the month, but the depression/anxiety/anger/frustration is so real and overwhelming. I have learned to live relatively okay with just anxiety...that is my daily affliction and I deal with it and function normally (for me, that is!) but when it is accompanied by depression (which luckily isn't everyday, only a few days a month in the spring/summer, more in the winter) I am not able to be myself at all. I am paralyzed and consumed with it. I am less than myself. 

Things -- besides hormones -- that are contributing to this yuck right now:

I am so crazy lonely that there are not adequate words to express it. A few times lately I've literally cried in public because my loneliness overwhelms me. I shop with a giant lump in my throat. I eat most of my meals alone. I go hours without speaking every single day. It is lonely.

I am trying to do the right, responsible things in my life and being made out to be the 'bad' guy as a result. It is unfair and frustrating. It makes me want to give up. 

I am nervous and apprehensive about starting a job for the first time in almost two decades on Monday. I'm so afraid it'll take away too much family time, compound my own loneliness, cause me to not be available for my daughter and make her feel neglected and lonely herself. I'm messing up her future financial aid in a big way. I have so much guilt over working again.

I'm lately feeling such an anger towards my father, and the fact that he has never been there for me. That I've been abused and neglected instead of 'fathered' in any way in my life and how that makes me feel vulnerable and unworthy and empty of something I know I need. I've carried this anger basically my entire life, but for some reason it's been gnawing at me a bit more recently. 

I am struggling to not eat tons of crap to drown out these feelings I'm having. I'm not exercising at all, because depression cripples me, makes me curl up into myself and takes away nearly all of my energy. Just getting through the day exhausts me.

Yeah, this is all depressing and sad and whiny and I really hate that. I hate putting my pathetic-ness on display, even though I leave out 99% of the details. But it is another part of this journey, I suppose, so I am putting it down here, if for no other reason but to look back later and remember why there's a gain this week, assuming there will probably be one. 

It's a bad week, but it'll pass. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 133.6
Weight this morning: 131.6
Loss of 2 lbs

I am so pleased with this loss. I didn't have a bad week or anything, it's actually starting to be 'easy' again, but I'm PMS-ing which usually means water weight/bloat so I wasn't sure if the numbers would be kind to me, especially after a big loss last week. But, they were, and I'm happy with it.

I'm sooooo hoping to see the 120's next weigh in, but now's about the time the loses start slowing so I'm just going to keep plugging and take whatever my body gives me. I'm starting to believe I'll make my goal this time, which is motivating me to keep trying. And it's Spring in these parts, which makes my life 1000x easier and 'lighter' feeling, which helps immensely! 


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Hormonal complaints

Seriously, why can't someone come up with a cure for PMS? Does anyone else think if men got crazy hormonal once a month they'd have come up with something better than Tylenol and chocolate by now? I am sitting here hugging my trusty heating pad, binge watching Netflix and literally alternating between sobbing and eating. Thankfully, I have all my laundry, housework, shopping, etc. under control for the next day or two so I can just sit here and wallow in my hormones. 

But really. A cure would be great.

So far I've managed to not cave into the worst of the cravings, but to be honest I'm not feeling particularly strong about my long term success for the week. ( So far, I've wanted cake, pasta salad, and giant steak sub, and pretty much all of this Easter candy still lying around the house) I am still calculating everything I eat but my days have been closer to the high end of my allowance this week instead of the low end where I like to be. I did do my workouts both Monday and Tuesday so I feel great about that, and I already have yoga pants and a sports bra on under my shirt so that I really have no excuse to skip today, other than this yuck that's upon me and killing my will to do anything other than become one with the furniture.

I am having a hard time even caring about any of it right now because my head is killing me and my cramps are now radiating into my legs. (What is that, anyway? My uterus is up here, cramps!) I can't watch a show without falling apart emotionally and I've been a big ole lump on the sofa for literally hours now. I have more to say but it's so bad that I'm literally losing the will to type...



And I just double checked the spelling of the word 'type' because it looked weird. The hormones have gotten my brain, too.

Hormones are just yuck. That's apparently all I've got today. ;-)


Sunday, April 12, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 136.8
Weight this morning: 133.6
Loss of 3.2 pounds

Well, I'm quite happy to see that loss! I hadn't weighed in all week because I was afraid of seeing more gain, and I had no idea what to expect this morning. I was hoping to at least lose what I'd gained back last week, and I did and then some! 

My workouts were abysmal this week, only two of them, but my eating was at or below calories every day except Sunday. Proving once again that while working out certainly helps me, it is what I eat that makes the biggest difference. 

Goals this week: Getting my butt working out again, focusing more on protein again since it appears to have made a difference this week, and upping my water since it could definitely be better. Also, this week will be a PMS nightmare, so resisting cravings will be high up on my list, no doubt. There is still a lot of Easter candy hanging around, maybe I should start throwing some away when no one is looking! ;-)

I am so relieved because honestly I was this close to throwing in the towel and having a giant bowl of pasta salad for lunch. (It is probably fine for most people to indulge in this occasionally, but if I have one bowl today I'll have five more bowls by the end of the week! It's an addiction!)   

Thursday, April 9, 2015

The blah

I haven't updated all week, but I'm still plugging. With my eating, that is. My workouts have been pathetic...only one so far this week and it's already Thursday!

I'm struggling the past few days, to be honest. Bloated, exhausted, depressed...PMS symptoms but its mid-month, so ovulation. I have a much harder time with this time of the month than the few days before my period, and I've no idea why. All I know is, I'm miserable and just feeling so lethargic and blah. So...nothing happening on treadmill. 

Oh, and I currently want to eat anything and everything I can get my hands on! I've been counting everything (except Easter I didn't, mostly because I had cake and I don't know how to calculate that) and I'm still within range every day (but Sunday, obviously) but I feel like I've gained yet again. I feel so big around my stomach, which is probably partially bloat, but still. I'm feeling inclined to give in and eat all the yummies. 

I just put my running shoes we'll see.  

 **Edited to say I did it! I walked two very pathetic and slow miles. But hey, it's something. ;)

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 135
Weight today: 136.8
Gain of 1.8 pounds

I am beyond frustrated by this gain. Yes, I figured last weeks monster loss wouldn't stick because it was mostly due to an almost 4 day fast...BUT I thought I could at least maintain it this week to make an average of less than two pounds a week for the past two weeks. Sigh. It apparently wasn't to be.

I don't know how to adjust at this point. I really am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm eating at or even below 1200 calories a day. I'm working out four days a week. I'm drinking water. I'm getting sleep. I'm not cheating with junk food. And all for what? A gain?? You best believe I'm having a slice of cake today, because dangit depriving myself sure isn't getting it done.

So anyway. Today I'm going to rethink what on earth is happening. I'm probably going to try to shift to more protein and push harder workouts, perhaps even adding in my nemesis: strength training. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm just honestly so bummed right now. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Yep, still going

Just realized I haven't posted all week! I'm okay, still here and mostly plugging along the way I need to be. Last weekend was a doozy of a bad mental health time, due to a lot of life circumstances completely out of my control, and I'm still struggling beneath the surface to deal with them in a healthier way than starving myself. Life is hard, even more so when you have a severe anxiety disorder that lends itself to depression from time to time. 

At any rate, still counting calories and working out, with the exception of a couple of days I have been so tired I skipped the treadmill. Its a cop-out, I should jump on anyway, but I don't sometimes. (Like right now, for instance! I haven't worked out today and I feel like I could slip into a coma at any moment...zzzzzzz.....)

I am probably going to do a weigh-in on Sunday this week since I did that last week too. Or not. I mean really, right now I'm so tired I don't care either way. It's my diet and I'll weigh when I want to. 


Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 138.4
Weight today: 135
Loss of 3.4 pounds

Probably shouldn't count it, probably won't stick. It is an 'artificial' loss based on the fact that I haven't eaten in a couple of days. Long story, doesn't matter, just being honest about what appears to be a great dieting week, but really wasn't. We'll see how much comes back after I start eating again. Hopefully not all of it, but who really knows.  

Friday, March 27, 2015

Fog lifting

Finally the mental PMS junk is clearing and I'm feeling almost myself again. Phew. The physical stuff still has a couple of days to go, but that I can handle without much of a problem. The mental blanket of yuck is just not manageable some months for me, this month being one of them! 

So, there's literally no way I'm going to escape this week without a gain, and I'm trying to prepare for that now. The biggest challenge is going to be KEEPING ON after a gain, because experience has shown me that this is the point I usually give up and regain. I don't want to do that again! So, trying to mentally and physically prepare to kick this ballgame into high gear again. I WILL get to my goal this time. I CAN do this. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Just ate a giant bag of popcorn...

This period is going to kill me. Or make me gain every single pound back. Possibly both. This is suckish and I am weak. Shame on me, once again my worst enemy.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Slowly getting back into things

I'm feeling a bit more back in control now, although the PMS is still raging and it is making things feel harder than they should. What is it about this time of the month that makes you feel like you want to eat and never stop eating? Not to mention craving all of the wrong foods. What I wouldn't give for a giant bowl of pasta and a brownie sundae for dessert! 

Instead I'm drinking a lot of coffee and indulging in little Dove dark chocolate squares. I know that one giant bowl of pasta won't kill me in the long run, but I also know that giving in to one bowl often leads to another bowl next week and how about some ice cream over the weekend and oh dear I could really eat a big bag of Doritos right now...

I tend to give in completely when I give in a little, as evidenced by what has happened this week after I binged on Sunday. I do MUCH better when I'm super militant about what I eat every single day, staying in my calorie range every single day. One moment of giving in is sometimes releasing the finger poking that hole in the dam that is carefully holding back my appetite. Best to leave that finger in the dam! 

Forced myself to hit the treadmill yesterday, so that's a step in the right direction. I am still not doing this daily, which is my ultimate goal, but 3 to 4 times a week is better than nothing. I know that weight training is really what I am avoiding more than anything and I'm not really sure why. It just seems tedious when I think about it, but I know doing it isn't really that bad. Note to self: just try one workout using the ball and weights (I use Core Secrets, it's only 20 minutes for goodness sakes!) and see how you feel. It may not be so bad!

Still having mixed feelings on starting a job. I'm looking forward to being paid a paycheck again, even though it will go to bills and won't be 'extra' money in any way. I'm also happy to have something to fill my time with now that my daughter isn't home as much. But I'm so worried about working every single Saturday and Sunday, and every holiday other than Christmas. Will I ever get quality time with my out-of-town family ever again?! 

And then when my daughter goes away to college, will I ever get to go visit her there? This is the BIG one hanging over my head. Sigh. It kills me to think of her being almost three hours away but I know I have to let her go. I was not made for this. I am not even close to being equipped to handle this. 

I have to push it out of my mind for now. I still have about 16 months until she leaves, but sometimes it feels like 16 minutes. I am at a loss. 

Okay so this was scattered but honestly, I am so scattered this time of the month! Here's hoping I'll still be checking in here tomorrow...  

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Confessions, again.

A couple of weight-loss bloggers I read drive me crazy with their constant complaints of not losing weight even though they constantly talk about cheating...and now, here I am, doing just that. 

Wah! I am not losing weight! Wah!! I ate horribly on Sunday! Wah!!! I ordered pizza last night because I was so hormonal the thought of cooking was just too much for me to handle! 

So yeah. Last night I ordered pizza. Not the 'safe-ish' plain cheese pizza, either. The chicken club with crap-tons of bacon and two types of cheese. (Although I didn't order cheesy garlic bread even though it sounded even better than the pizza and my daughter wanted to harm me for not allowing it!)

I am struggling and truthfully not putting up much of a fight. I'm hoping it's a temporary PMS sidetrack, but I know full-well that this can spiral into a full blown regain and then some event...hence me confessing daily on here. As long as I still care enough to show up here and be accountable then all is not lost. 

So, here I am, being one of those bloggers that bug me. Whatever. ;-)

Monday, March 23, 2015

Sitting here, just sitting

I'm trying to get the eating back on track today but let me tell you, the PMS is strong. I have such a headache and I think my butt is fusing to the loveseat thanks to the massive amounts of inactivity it is experiencing today! Thankfully the housework and laundry were done well enough last week that it's spilling over to today and everything is good to go, because I do believe I'm currently in the middle of taking today off. ;-)

Being honest with you and myself, I just don't see a workout happening today, but who knows I suppose I could surprise myself. But. Not feeling it at ALL. 

I still don't feel too guilty about splurging yesterday but I know for a fact the next time I step onto the scales I'll be full of regret and disappointment. Right now it's just the PMS that is making me feel overwhelmed and hopeless and I know once it passes I'll get my 'oomph' back and kick myself in the butt. 

In the meantime, I'll be here on the loveseat trying not to eat. ;-)

Sunday, March 22, 2015


The deed has been done. I did, in fact, eat donut holes on the way out of town. I did, in fact, eat a giant meal with butter and sour cream and two rolls and a slice of garlic toast. I did, in fact, eat pizza when I got home. 

Sigh. I don't even feel that bad about it. 

Saturday weigh in, a day late

Short and to the point, I'm pretty much even stevens for the week and I am FRUSTRATED. I did everything right this week. I did my workouts, I ate at or below my calorie range every single day, I drank my water, and I upped my protein. Everything I'm supposed to do, I did, and for nothing. UGH. I can't figure it out! I honestly want to go buy a box of donuts right now, because denying myself of them isn't working. I actually might do this, who knows. 

I'm within a day or two of starting my period, so it is definitely the wrong time to feel like giving up, know what I mean? 

Thursday, March 19, 2015


Feeling incredibly lonely today. Do you ever get emotions that you can physically feel inside of your chest and throat? That's what I've got today. The feels.

(Duh duh duuuuuh)

You know, the sad and embarrassing truth is that I no longer have any real friends where I live. All of the friends I've had since living here have been in one way or another related to the two churches I went to...and they just aren't in my life at all anymore.  Honestly though, I've not gotten super 'best friend' close with anyone at all here. I don't know why, but I've never been able to be 'myself' with anyone for years, other than my daughter, husband, one sister, and sometimes my mom. But even with my mom things are strained these days. 

She is just so one dimensional that I find it hard to relate to her. (Religion only, not much else at all. Not only religion though, her church is very much a 'cult of personality' and holds the pastor up almost even with God. It's too much for me and I constantly challenge her on this. It strains things, for sure!) Everything is centered around her church and if I try to talk about neutral things, she struggles to engage with me. When I called to tell her I got a job she never even congratulated me or acted happy for me, she just kinda changed the subject. It was weird and it hurt me so badly that I'm still sad three days later. 

My daughter will be here for only another year and a half, my husband works all the time, and my sister doesn't need me much because she has a very full life. So I'm just here, alone, a lot. Today I'm going second hand shopping and I'd give anything to be able to call someone up to join me, but there's no one to call. And I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I should probably mention that I'm PMS-ing right now and that is amplifying everything times a hundred. I'm honestly not really in that bad of a place overall right now (SPRING!!) but the last few days have been kicking my butt emotionally. I miss having a close girlfriend living nearby. I miss having a mom who connected with me on a deeper level. I miss being in my hometown where I had a lot of friends near me. 

I'm just lonely.  

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Life changes

It's Wednesday and I'm still plugging! The eating is going very well this week, the exercise is meh. I did a workout Monday with no running and skipped yesterday because I was feeling kinda yucky again. Today I'm feeling better so I'll try to get myself in gear later to hit the treadmill hard. 

So a bit of news...I got a job for the first time in literally 17 years to the month. I haven't told many people yet in case I chicken out or something else goes wrong, but there it is. It is with the Home Shopping Network, of all things, answering sales calls and placing orders. The best thing about it is that I'll be working from home, which is somewhat of a necessity with my anxiety. If I'm having a bad day I'll be able to be in comfy jammies, hugging my heating pad and drinking tea while I work. It is also only part time up to 25 hours a week, because I couldn't imagine jumping into a 40 hour week again after so long! The hours are 10-4, which I love, but I'll be working every Saturday and Sunday, which I HATE. I'm hoping that in time I'll be able to request one Sunday off a month, but I have no idea if that is realistic. 

There are so many worries and concerns around the situation, but I am needing something to do with my time and I'm hoping this is a good fit for me and my family. I'll keep you posted on how it works out! 

Sunday, March 15, 2015

Saturday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 141.4
Weight today: 138.6
Loss of 2.8 pounds

So two notable things happened this week concerning my weigh in. First, I was convinced that I'd been gaining all week long and it made me crack down more toward the end of the week. See, I weighed in a few times showing I was up, but each time I was wearing clothes as opposed to being practically naked like I was last week. Apparently clothes weigh more than I thought.  This weigh in was practically naked...sorry for that visual. ;-)

Also yesterday I was sick all day and didn't eat or drink anything until 9:00 at night, which I'm sure contributed to the loss. However, I'll take what I can get and try to build upon it this week. Feels really good to be in the 130's again! This time (as opposed to in October, when I actually got LOWER than this and gained it all back and more in four months!) I will hopefully keep going strong and get back to my goal by summer. 

Friday, March 13, 2015


I am so ridiculously frustrated!!!!  I have jumped on the scale three different times since last official 'weigh-in' and each time I've shown a two pound GAIN since last weekend. Why?!? I have been in my target calorie range every single day, no major cheats or anything like that. Water intake has been decent. Workouts...not so much...BUT usually that wouldn't cause a gain! I am soooooooooo frustrated. 

I'm tempted to go lower than my calorie range to see if the scales budge. I don't know. I know I have to get on that freaking treadmill more regularly and do harder workouts. Maybe even go to the gym with hubby. 

Also, I need to up my protein and fiber without making a calorie hit. How?? Fiber is hard for me, I'll have to look into it. 

Anyway, yeah. Frustrated. The end. 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015


One of the highways near me is shut down right now because of an accident that had a fatality. This is actually pretty common around here, with many highways in and near my city, heck, it's probably common everywhere. Whenever it happens, my mind immediately goes to worry and anxiety that one day it'll be my husband or my daughter who are the ones killed in a car accident. It isn't merely a passing thought, it is overwhelming and unrelenting. My anxiety manifests both mentally and physically, as I can actually FEEL the fear coursing through my veins. Paralyzing me.

This happens with any similar scenario, not just car accidents. Campus rapes, heart attacks, even earlier today reading a story involving a young woman falling off of a cruise ship of all things. This is just one way my anxiety disorder manifests itself.

There are other ways, too many to number here, but ultimately I am in a constant state of terror. I am terrorized by my own brain on a daily, hourly basis. Today, everyday, I am just a captive to anxiety that is sometimes plain debilitating. And it's exhausting. 

I am tired.

Edited to add: It's hours later and I had a great day. I feel so normal right now...and I'm so envious of people who get to feel this way all of the time. At any rate, I'm having a good day so there ya go. ;-)    

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

bad idea

Sometimes I feel like a daily weigh in would help me stay on track and be more motivated in general.

So, today I hopped onto the scales.

It was NOT a good idea.

That is all.

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Saturday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 143.4
Weight today: 141.4
Loss of 2 pounds

'They' say that one to two pounds a week is the best way to lose weight for long term success, but doggone it if it isn't torture. It feels like forever till I get back into the 120's and it hardly seems worth the two pound loss after all the work and mental distress I go through in any given 'diet' week. But. It is moving down instead of up, and for now I've got to focus on that. 

This week's goal is to get into the 130's again. Workout at least four days and try not to have as many days at the high end of my calorie allowance. Blog here more often and continue using Sparkpeople faithfully. 

(Seriously, I can not recommend Sparkpeople enough!) 

Okay, onward I go...

Friday, March 6, 2015


Yesterday my mom came to visit and my diet was completely and utterly disregarded. I mean, I totally went off the rails! We ate lunch at Olive Garden and I ate my entire days worth of calories there. So, the plan was to skip dinner. Only I got hungry so I ate a bit of my popcorn, only 70 calories, no big deal. 

Then hubs brought home a pizza. And it was LOADED with cheese. Looked SOOOO good. And I gave in and ate TWO giant slices. So by the time yesterday was said and done, I had almost 2000 calories.

Major fail.

I did, however, do my two mile workout...which I am proud of, to say the least. I'm trying very hard to get back on track today, which is why I'm here. I can NOT let this be yet another time where I mess up one day and let it become two, then three, then completely giving up and gaining ten pounds again.

Not. This. Time.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

And then the bad days come...

Yes, it has been a bad day, indeed. For some reason, my stomach is messed up and super upset today, which causes me to have panic attacks and horrible anxiety. Stomach issues are a HUGE part of my phobia/anxiety disorder and it has dictated my day, unfortunately.  I managed to not self-medicate with m&m's so far (don't ask, it's a thing for me) and I didn't even take an anxiety pill, which for some reason is something I continually resist.

No work out, horrible eating, stress out the wazoo, hardly any water drank (drunk?), just yuck all day. And now I've ordered pizza for dinner. Because duh.

I put everything into Sparkpeople and shockingly I'm still within range in every category for today, although I am WAY higher on fat consumption than a good (or even iffy) day. I'm hoping tomorrow is a better day and I'll be back on track once again. Here's to a quick rebound instead of a complete surrender.

Monday, March 2, 2015


Still plugging along, one week down and I'm guessing at least ten to go till goal, assuming I'm a rock star dieter from here on out. Which, duh, I will be. 

Obviously. ;-)

Yesterday was Sunday and I'd planned on Sunday cheat days again, but I actually did better than that and stayed within the calorie allowance (which is 1200-1550 as dictated by Sparkpeople) although it was the high end instead of the low end where I usually try to land.

Side note: I can NOT recommend Sparkpeople for weight loss enough. I log my food and exercise and it helps keep me accountable and focused on what I'm supposed to be doing. The idea of inputting a ton of calories from a cupcake into that daily food log is enough to keep me from eating the cupcake, most of the time! ;-) 

I'm still snacking too much, but trying to choose better snacks. Boom Chicka Pop is sooooo good, it's a lightly sweetened popcorn and only 35 calories per cup. Yogurt, baby carrots with laughing cow cheese, and Dove dark chocolate singles are my other go-to choices. I'm still depending on microwave meals for lunches which is horribly bad for me nutritionally but it is just so easy to pop one in and know the calorie counts quickly, and right now convenience wins over health. 

Yesterday I tried Chipotle for lunch, which I've not cared for much in the past but it was really good! I had a burrito bowl with rice, chicken, fajita veggies, and tomato salsa for only around 400 calories and it was HUGE! That'll be a Sunday lunch favorite for the time being, replacing Chinese food which is my usual Sunday lunch. Even though I always get what I consider to be a healthy choice there, our favorite Chinese place doesn't provide calorie counts and I'm not taking chances that the meal I assume is close to 500 calories is closer to 1500!

So anyway, like I said. Plugging along. Trying to focus on TODAY, THIS snack, THIS meal, THIS craving. Chewing a LOT of gum. Staying positive and hopeful. Spring is right around the corner and I want to fit in last years clothes! :)

Saturday, February 28, 2015

Long overdue update

 So the holidays and LOOOOOOOONG winter have resulted in me gaining back every single bit of the weight I'd lost in the fall, and then some. I ended up almost hitting 150 so I freaked out a bit and started trying again a week ago. I've already lost a bit over four pounds and I'm feeling a bit of momentum, but I'm also seriously kicking myself for letting it get so out of control again! 

One step forward, two steps back. BUT. I'm not giving up. Hopefully I'll be checking in here again and making good progress, but there's a pathetic part of me who remains skeptical that I'll stick to it any more than I have the last several times I've tried. I need to lose the 'all or nothing' attitude that makes me give up completely everytime I mess up. If I'd learn to jump back into the dieting game after a couple of bad days instead of using it as an excuse to eat whatever junk food meets my fancy for months on end, I'd finally get back where I want to be! 

Maybe this will be the time I succeed at this. It's happened once before, it could happen again. At any rate, here I am, trying AGAIN.