Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Hormonal complaints

Seriously, why can't someone come up with a cure for PMS? Does anyone else think if men got crazy hormonal once a month they'd have come up with something better than Tylenol and chocolate by now? I am sitting here hugging my trusty heating pad, binge watching Netflix and literally alternating between sobbing and eating. Thankfully, I have all my laundry, housework, shopping, etc. under control for the next day or two so I can just sit here and wallow in my hormones. 

But really. A cure would be great.

So far I've managed to not cave into the worst of the cravings, but to be honest I'm not feeling particularly strong about my long term success for the week. ( So far, I've wanted cake, pasta salad, and giant steak sub, and pretty much all of this Easter candy still lying around the house) I am still calculating everything I eat but my days have been closer to the high end of my allowance this week instead of the low end where I like to be. I did do my workouts both Monday and Tuesday so I feel great about that, and I already have yoga pants and a sports bra on under my shirt so that I really have no excuse to skip today, other than this yuck that's upon me and killing my will to do anything other than become one with the furniture.

I am having a hard time even caring about any of it right now because my head is killing me and my cramps are now radiating into my legs. (What is that, anyway? My uterus is up here, cramps!) I can't watch a show without falling apart emotionally and I've been a big ole lump on the sofa for literally hours now. I have more to say but it's so bad that I'm literally losing the will to type...



And I just double checked the spelling of the word 'type' because it looked weird. The hormones have gotten my brain, too.

Hormones are just yuck. That's apparently all I've got today. ;-)


Sunday, April 12, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 136.8
Weight this morning: 133.6
Loss of 3.2 pounds

Well, I'm quite happy to see that loss! I hadn't weighed in all week because I was afraid of seeing more gain, and I had no idea what to expect this morning. I was hoping to at least lose what I'd gained back last week, and I did and then some! 

My workouts were abysmal this week, only two of them, but my eating was at or below calories every day except Sunday. Proving once again that while working out certainly helps me, it is what I eat that makes the biggest difference. 

Goals this week: Getting my butt working out again, focusing more on protein again since it appears to have made a difference this week, and upping my water since it could definitely be better. Also, this week will be a PMS nightmare, so resisting cravings will be high up on my list, no doubt. There is still a lot of Easter candy hanging around, maybe I should start throwing some away when no one is looking! ;-)

I am so relieved because honestly I was this close to throwing in the towel and having a giant bowl of pasta salad for lunch. (It is probably fine for most people to indulge in this occasionally, but if I have one bowl today I'll have five more bowls by the end of the week! It's an addiction!)   

Thursday, April 9, 2015

The blah

I haven't updated all week, but I'm still plugging. With my eating, that is. My workouts have been pathetic...only one so far this week and it's already Thursday!

I'm struggling the past few days, to be honest. Bloated, exhausted, depressed...PMS symptoms but its mid-month, so ovulation. I have a much harder time with this time of the month than the few days before my period, and I've no idea why. All I know is, I'm miserable and just feeling so lethargic and blah. So...nothing happening on treadmill. 

Oh, and I currently want to eat anything and everything I can get my hands on! I've been counting everything (except Easter I didn't, mostly because I had cake and I don't know how to calculate that) and I'm still within range every day (but Sunday, obviously) but I feel like I've gained yet again. I feel so big around my stomach, which is probably partially bloat, but still. I'm feeling inclined to give in and eat all the yummies. 

I just put my running shoes we'll see.  

 **Edited to say I did it! I walked two very pathetic and slow miles. But hey, it's something. ;)

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 135
Weight today: 136.8
Gain of 1.8 pounds

I am beyond frustrated by this gain. Yes, I figured last weeks monster loss wouldn't stick because it was mostly due to an almost 4 day fast...BUT I thought I could at least maintain it this week to make an average of less than two pounds a week for the past two weeks. Sigh. It apparently wasn't to be.

I don't know how to adjust at this point. I really am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm eating at or even below 1200 calories a day. I'm working out four days a week. I'm drinking water. I'm getting sleep. I'm not cheating with junk food. And all for what? A gain?? You best believe I'm having a slice of cake today, because dangit depriving myself sure isn't getting it done.

So anyway. Today I'm going to rethink what on earth is happening. I'm probably going to try to shift to more protein and push harder workouts, perhaps even adding in my nemesis: strength training. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm just honestly so bummed right now. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Yep, still going

Just realized I haven't posted all week! I'm okay, still here and mostly plugging along the way I need to be. Last weekend was a doozy of a bad mental health time, due to a lot of life circumstances completely out of my control, and I'm still struggling beneath the surface to deal with them in a healthier way than starving myself. Life is hard, even more so when you have a severe anxiety disorder that lends itself to depression from time to time. 

At any rate, still counting calories and working out, with the exception of a couple of days I have been so tired I skipped the treadmill. Its a cop-out, I should jump on anyway, but I don't sometimes. (Like right now, for instance! I haven't worked out today and I feel like I could slip into a coma at any moment...zzzzzzz.....)

I am probably going to do a weigh-in on Sunday this week since I did that last week too. Or not. I mean really, right now I'm so tired I don't care either way. It's my diet and I'll weigh when I want to. 


Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 138.4
Weight today: 135
Loss of 3.4 pounds

Probably shouldn't count it, probably won't stick. It is an 'artificial' loss based on the fact that I haven't eaten in a couple of days. Long story, doesn't matter, just being honest about what appears to be a great dieting week, but really wasn't. We'll see how much comes back after I start eating again. Hopefully not all of it, but who really knows.  

Friday, March 27, 2015

Fog lifting

Finally the mental PMS junk is clearing and I'm feeling almost myself again. Phew. The physical stuff still has a couple of days to go, but that I can handle without much of a problem. The mental blanket of yuck is just not manageable some months for me, this month being one of them! 

So, there's literally no way I'm going to escape this week without a gain, and I'm trying to prepare for that now. The biggest challenge is going to be KEEPING ON after a gain, because experience has shown me that this is the point I usually give up and regain. I don't want to do that again! So, trying to mentally and physically prepare to kick this ballgame into high gear again. I WILL get to my goal this time. I CAN do this. 

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Just ate a giant bag of popcorn...

This period is going to kill me. Or make me gain every single pound back. Possibly both. This is suckish and I am weak. Shame on me, once again my worst enemy.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Slowly getting back into things

I'm feeling a bit more back in control now, although the PMS is still raging and it is making things feel harder than they should. What is it about this time of the month that makes you feel like you want to eat and never stop eating? Not to mention craving all of the wrong foods. What I wouldn't give for a giant bowl of pasta and a brownie sundae for dessert! 

Instead I'm drinking a lot of coffee and indulging in little Dove dark chocolate squares. I know that one giant bowl of pasta won't kill me in the long run, but I also know that giving in to one bowl often leads to another bowl next week and how about some ice cream over the weekend and oh dear I could really eat a big bag of Doritos right now...

I tend to give in completely when I give in a little, as evidenced by what has happened this week after I binged on Sunday. I do MUCH better when I'm super militant about what I eat every single day, staying in my calorie range every single day. One moment of giving in is sometimes releasing the finger poking that hole in the dam that is carefully holding back my appetite. Best to leave that finger in the dam! 

Forced myself to hit the treadmill yesterday, so that's a step in the right direction. I am still not doing this daily, which is my ultimate goal, but 3 to 4 times a week is better than nothing. I know that weight training is really what I am avoiding more than anything and I'm not really sure why. It just seems tedious when I think about it, but I know doing it isn't really that bad. Note to self: just try one workout using the ball and weights (I use Core Secrets, it's only 20 minutes for goodness sakes!) and see how you feel. It may not be so bad!

Still having mixed feelings on starting a job. I'm looking forward to being paid a paycheck again, even though it will go to bills and won't be 'extra' money in any way. I'm also happy to have something to fill my time with now that my daughter isn't home as much. But I'm so worried about working every single Saturday and Sunday, and every holiday other than Christmas. Will I ever get quality time with my out-of-town family ever again?! 

And then when my daughter goes away to college, will I ever get to go visit her there? This is the BIG one hanging over my head. Sigh. It kills me to think of her being almost three hours away but I know I have to let her go. I was not made for this. I am not even close to being equipped to handle this. 

I have to push it out of my mind for now. I still have about 16 months until she leaves, but sometimes it feels like 16 minutes. I am at a loss. 

Okay so this was scattered but honestly, I am so scattered this time of the month! Here's hoping I'll still be checking in here tomorrow...  

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Confessions, again.

A couple of weight-loss bloggers I read drive me crazy with their constant complaints of not losing weight even though they constantly talk about cheating...and now, here I am, doing just that. 

Wah! I am not losing weight! Wah!! I ate horribly on Sunday! Wah!!! I ordered pizza last night because I was so hormonal the thought of cooking was just too much for me to handle! 

So yeah. Last night I ordered pizza. Not the 'safe-ish' plain cheese pizza, either. The chicken club with crap-tons of bacon and two types of cheese. (Although I didn't order cheesy garlic bread even though it sounded even better than the pizza and my daughter wanted to harm me for not allowing it!)

I am struggling and truthfully not putting up much of a fight. I'm hoping it's a temporary PMS sidetrack, but I know full-well that this can spiral into a full blown regain and then some event...hence me confessing daily on here. As long as I still care enough to show up here and be accountable then all is not lost. 

So, here I am, being one of those bloggers that bug me. Whatever. ;-)