Shopping isn't always that fun

Know what I really hate doing? Trying on bras. I HATE it. No size seems to fit me. I've measured myself, tried different variations of number and cup sizes, and they are just all BLAH. Too tight or loose, swimming in the cup or spilling out of them, creating back bulges or cutting into my shoulders. Argh.

I don't think any men read this blog, but just in case let me warn you to STOP READING NOW!

Okay, just between us ladies...I lost my boobs. No, they didn't just disappear and they aren't sagging down to my waist or anything like that, but I lost about 2 to 2 1/2 cup sizes and so my boobs are looking a bit, well, deflated. Sigh. Nothing I can do about it short of surgery, so onward I go...searching for some uplifting support!

Although it is a tad big in the cup area I did manage to find one that will do, but not until after much drama and a couple of torturous hours in the dressing rooms of both Kohl's and JCPenney. Hopefully I am DONE bra shopping for the next year or so!

So...I think I'm done replacing what I can't fit now. Found my jeans, found my bra, found a winter coat. Finally done shopping and now I can focus on working out again (ahem) so I can continue to fit said bra, jeans, and coat! :)

In a pit

Sorry for another extended absence. I am DEEP in the depths of a down cycle...most likely tied to my monthly cycle, I hope. I am struggling to just get through the day right now, all things diet related have been cast aside. No exercise (even though it would probably help...ugh) and eating crazy. CRAZY. Weighed in a day or two ago though, miraculously I am still holding steady. Don't know how (my metabolism must still have a bit of omph in it) but I'll soooo take it.

Hopefully I'll bounce back in a few days when 'it' finally comes. I'll be back. :)

Fresh starts and desceptive jeans

Hey there! It's been a little while since I've checked in around here...so sorry. Last week was a doozy of a busy week around our house.

I wish I could come and say how amazingly awesome I was doing, watching my calories and getting tons of exercise, but I SO can't. I've been eating AWFUL (we were busy last week, remember? That equals me not cooking and ordering too much pizza, sadly!) and I didn't work out ONE time last week! Yikes.

The good news is that my weight is miraculously holding steady...PHEW. I know that it won't hold firm for long though, so I stocked up the fridge and I'm ready to crack down again starting tomorrow.

Oh, and here is something fun for you. I've been trying jeans on for weeks. Literally weeks. Maybe months. I have always been a hard person to find jeans for. My hips and hiney are MUCH bigger than my waist so the waist is always too big. Always. It is so frustrating. Oh, and I'm short so I have to have petite sizing.

ANYWAY, today I tried Old Navy for jeans for the first time (ever, I think) and I discovered something very fun there...they totally have vanity sizing! Seriously, if you're having a down day head to the Old Navy, grab the size you usually wear and the next size down and I betcha you can wear the smaller size. FUN!

Here's to a fresh week, a fresh month, and a fresh start!!

Updated picture

I know it isn't a great, full-body shot but I SO hate to take those so it'll do for now. Most of you have seen it already on facebook so excuse the repeat! It is my daughter and I, this past Wednesday, eating lunch with Hubby in the park. I HATE that I'm not wearing make up and I'm all scrubby and in a hat, but frankly it's how I look more than half of the time so whatever. :P

Toning...or the lack thereof!

As expected I am having a hard time figuring out maintenance. For the most part I am still eating the same foods I did during the loss phase, but I've definitely been doing a bit of snacking on bad stuff from time to time. One thing's for sure...I need to start toning ASAP.

Even though I'm at the weight I want to be, I am still lumpy in places I don't want to be lumpy! My arms and stomach have a loose skin issue (who'd have thought that would be a problem as slow as I took things?? Whatever!) and it is bugging me a bit. The legs aren't doing bad (for me at least...I've never had particularly skinny legs even when I was barely over 100 pounds!) but my butt is flat and droopy. Ugh. The one time in history when big butts are 'in' and mine isn't cooperating!! :)

Well anyway, I'm pretty much holding steady between 122 and 124. So far, so good!

On the other side

Survived the panic attack...ended up taking half of an anxiety pill and it helped so much. Lots to do today, on the go shlepping the kiddo around town. Volleyball practice for 2 hours, baton immediately after that, and then girls club immediately after that. On the go from 3:30 till 9:00. Ugh. At least it will keep me away from the fridge.

Made pasta salad today for the first time in six months. Was one of my biggest weaknesses before and I completely overdid it today, proving that it MUST be only an occasional thing. I feel disgusting now.

Well, just wanted to update on the pathetic post from last night. :)

panic attack eating

I am having a really bad night. Panic attack...the kind that comes for no good reason. Right when I was going to start making a sensible dinner it just hit me. There was no way I was going to be capable of putting a dinner together at this point so I frantically called Hubby and he brought home pizza. Again.

Yes...I ate it.

Last night I had chips and salsa in bed. With a huge hunk of french bread on the side.

Oh, I know it is getting tedious hearing about all my food indiscretions. Blogs are supposed to encourage and all that jazz. Whatever. I'm honestly just trying to document my eating messes so that when the scales go up, I remember why.

Right now, I'm just hoping to get through the night without falling apart, so if I eat badly then I eat badly. I don't care.

Anyone else struggle with depression/anxiety/panic disorder? Do you know the feeling of which I speak...not caring about gaining if it helps you through the next five minutes? I am so there. I just stinking suck tonight.

How my week went

So...I did in fact end up in bed with the heating pad on Tuesday night and all day Wednesday. Nice, right? There was an extra pizza night this week due to Mama's cramps and I may have had my hand buried in a box of Honeycomb quite a few times...

But now it's mostly back to usual around here THANK GOODNESS and I'm happy to report that I did weigh in this morning at 123...still up a pound from my lowest but the same as I was on Saturday. Phew.

Workouts this week: I did get 3 treadmill workouts in (Monday, Thursday, Friday) but NO strength training whatsoever. Maybe tomorrow? Next week this will be a priority.

I looked up how many calories I can supposedly eat to maintain my new weight and the range was like 1500-1800 a day. Ummmm, that can't be right. If I ate 1800 calories a day I'd be back up to 163 before you know it! I'm not quite sure where my caloric sweet spot is, but I can promise you that it is NOT that high!

Still going through a ton of stress. In fact, it has gotten progressively worse the last week or so. I'm not doing a TON of stress eating but it IS happening...mostly in the form of many dark chocolate Hershey kisses and 100 calorie cinnamon cookie packs. (Side note: When I started dieting my first bag of kisses lasted like a couple of months...now I'm lucky if its a couple of weeks!)

There are days when I definitely want to have a big fat fast food fest to drown my sorrows, that's for sure. Hanging in there though. Hubby and Kiddo had McDonalds for breakfast since we were out of milk and bread...and I had a banana and a dry Nutrigrain waffle. It doesn't happen often anymore, but I'm totally a diet rockstar from time to time. :)

Why I didn't weigh in on Saturday

I didn't do an official blog weigh in this weekend even though I did step on the scale, but in case you were wondering I weighed in up a pound to 123. Not stressing. I think I've decided not to 'officially' report my up's and down's unless I get above 125 and have to go back into 'losing it mode' again. Reason? I'm fully expecting to be up a pound or two here/down a pound there for the rest of my life...I mean my monthly time alone puts me up a couple and I can't freak out once a month when that happens! So anyway, that's the plan.

Now, how am I doing? Not great. I am going through a very difficult time personally right now and it is taking a TON of effort just to function these days, which isn't leaving much energy to watch what I eat or get moving everyday. I am just at a loss so far as to how I'm going to get through this situation in one piece...nevermind if I'll be thin or fat at the end of it.

That said, I haven't given up whatsoever, just struggling to find my good place. The mantra still stands: I'll win or lose this thing at the grocery store. When I have a bag of Baked Lay's in the house (like I did this weekend) I will most definitely eat all of said bag all by myself...like I did this weekend. If I buy apples, broccoli, and yogurt, I'll be inclined to actually eat them. Ect...

I'm setting a goal to walk/run 30 minutes Monday, Wednesday, Friday and do Core Secrets on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday. Mind you, this is just my goal...it may or may not end up a reality. Especially this week...which is the ever-dreaded PMS week (Duh duh DUH) and who knows if (or should I say WHEN) I'll end up in bed with the heating pad at any point.

So, there you have it. Sorry I'm being vague about the personal problems...I HATE when people do that but in this case it is unavoidable. I'll try to post here often, mainly because it helps me stay focused on what I'm supposed to be doing and keeps me somewhat accountable!

Side note: I am forever cold these days! We aren't turning our heat on yet (despite below freezing temps at night and 40's/50's during the day) and it is COLD in this house! It is oddly making me want to work out LESS, even though I know it will warm me up. I just want to bundle in a heavy sweater and blanket with a book and a cup of coffee...know what I mean?? :)

**Oh, and a note to Jo...I will totally do that question thingy as soon as I'm feeling up to it. I love those things! :)

Biggest Loser nonsence

I've got a serious love/hate relationship with the Biggest Loser. It has definitely gotten worse this season, since I just went through six months of losing weight (although not the numbers their contestants lose, granted) and I know some of what they say and do just isn't necessary, and maybe even counterproductive.

For example, last night Bob was reprimanding someone for ordering sauteed vegetables and said you can only have steamed or grilled veggies. Seriously? I saute veggies, chicken, and lots of things (in olive oil) and I still managed to lose weight. We need some good fat in our diet...I thought that was common diet knowledge?

Also last night: the contestants were talking about what fruits they could have and apparently bananas are off limits. Sigh. How silly. Yes, bananas aren't as low fat as some other fruits, but if you are grabbing a banana instead of a Little Debbie treat for your snack, I'd say you're doing pretty good. You will lose weight and be healthier. Period. Should you eat five bananas a day? No. Again...MODERATION!

Why on earth are they setting such ridiculous restrictions? No one watching this show is going to think to themselves 'Oh, how easy this looks...I can totally do this!' No...they are going to say how they never could stick to that many rules, that many foods off limits.

Listen, you don't have to order salads every time you go out to eat. Just use your head and order wisely. Watch your portion sizes. Try to balance out your day --- if you eat some mashed potatoes or pepperoni pizza or whatever, just eat lighter at the next meal. And for goodness sakes, don't get so caught up in which fruits/veggies are better, just eat lots of fruits and veggies!

I guess my main point is that you've got to find a lifestyle you can live with forever and frankly I don't think there are many people who could keep that up...which is why so many previous Biggest Loser contestants gained a bunch of weight back eventually. If you can do it Bob and Jillian's way, more power to you! Me? I have to have an easy, maintainable, REALISTIC way of eating or I'll just proceed to gain weight all over again.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the Biggest Loser's take on workouts! :) Perhaps I'll talk about that another day.