Saturday, November 8, 2014

Saturday morning weigh in

I almost didn't post this at all, but then decided I should if for no other reason than to 'keep it real' and let you know I haven't quite given up on this endeavor.  My weight this week is only down like .2 lbs so I'm not considering it a loss at all, at best I just maintained this week. 

Which is no surprise really, I didn't work all that hard this week, but I did feel like I stepped up my game a little over the previous two weeks so I am slightly disappointed, but yeah, totally my fault. I ate too many steak subs (which we had twice this week...hey, we had BOGO coupons!) and even added potato chips on the side. I only worked out once all week. I ate breadsticks with my pizza, which adds way more calories than you'd think. Had three peices of cornbread with my chili. Had a couple of cupcakes and a Reese Cup. There's probably more that I can't think of right now, but you get the idea. Just letting the little things add up to be enough to prevent any weight lost this week.

So I know I need to step it up, plain and simple. If I want to lose ten more pounds by Christmas (which I now officially doubt I can pull off, to be honest, maybe I should aim for getting in the 120's?) I've got to start being ruthless with my efforts! Less junk and cheating, way more getting my butt moving. So easy to say, why is it so hard to implement!?!

Saturday, November 1, 2014

FINALLY a Saturday morning weigh in!

Weight three weeks ago: 137.4
Weight this morning: 135.2
Loss of: 2.2  lbs.

I can NOT tell you what a relief it was this morning to get on the scales after three weeks of cheating (and totally avoiding the scale altogether out of fear) to see a loss. I was chanting in my head on my way across the room to the scales, "Please don't be back in the 140's again!" because I honestly believed I gained every single pound back! So yay for momentum that kept me somehow safe the past three weeks, and hopefully today can mark a comeback of real effort again. Imagine how far along I'd be right now if I'd kept working hard and eating right. Instead of two pounds I'd probably be down six more by today. Reminder to myself: You could be back in the 120's right now if you'd have done what you know you should be doing. Stop being such a slacker!! :-)

That being said, I'm making pink cupcakes today for my daughter to take to her Sunday evening small groups tomorrow and, let's face it, pink cupcakes rock. So yeah. Totally going to have one. Or two. Just being real. ;-)

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Not going great...

I can't seem to get my mojo back after I went off the rails a week and a half ago. It is so frustrating that I was in such a zone that it was actually easy to stay under my calorie allowance, and now it feels impossible to even come even TRY to come close. I am not making any excuses, although I do have PMS which I use as an excuse in the moment I'm about to eat Dorito's or what-have-you. I am just feeling so hungry all of the time, and giving in to muchies is so satisfying, isn't it?

The workouts have also stopped completely. I am sooooo exhausted so I don't workout, yet I'm probably exhausted because I'm not working out. The cycle of lazy is a tough one to break out of for me! Honestly though, my insomnia has been brutal lately and I also use that as an excuse when I'm sitting on the sofa instead of walking on the treadmill. Yesterday I rationalized that going up and down stairs for laundry all day was enough of a workout. The day before I rationalized my workout was rearranging the furniture. I mean honestly, I could rationalize anything at this point. 

I hate when I'm being weak and I know I'm being weak but I don't really do anything to stop it. Being weak is easier, to be honest. 

But I so want to be looking and feeling better by Christmas this year so if that has any chance of happening I have to get a serious grip on myself, and soon. Today CAN be better, if I'd only try a bit harder. I'll let you know how that goes. ;-)

Friday, October 17, 2014

This week never happened...

I'm taking the cowards way out and NOT weighing in tomorrow. This entire week has been a diet disaster and I have most likely gained a couple of pounds, so instead of weighing in and getting discouraged, I'm calling it a week off and hopefully getting back into the game next week. Yes, I'm horrible and this sucks, but whatever. I'm owning the colossal slip up, just not enough to face the consequences just yet! 

And truth be told I'm going to a college football game tomorrow and between that and the six hours I'll be in the car, I'm already acknowledging the cheat is going to continue. I so totally suck. :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2014


Feeling so defeated today. I had one cheat day on Saturday -- no, it was actually just one cheat MEAL on Saturday night -- and now I'm up half a pound. Sigh. This seemed so much easier five years ago. I am just really frustrated today and wanted to vent for a quick sec. Moving on...

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Saturday weigh-in

Weight last week: 138.8
Weight this morning: 137.4
Loss of 1.4 pounds
Total weight loss of 6.6 pounds

Honestly, this is disappointing. I know that everyone will say that it's still a loss and I should be happy with it, but I feel like I earned more than a 1.4 pound loss this week! I worked out very hard three times, I was under my calorie limit every single day, I basically did everything I was supposed to do, and it's a small loss. If the weight loss slows down this early in the process, this is going to take a VERY long time. Not sure what I can do differently this week, other than add in more workouts and possibly drink more water. 

And onward I go...

Saturday, October 4, 2014

Saturday weigh in

Weight last week: 141
Weight today: 138.8 
Loss of: 2.2 pounds

I did exactly *one* workout since the last weigh in, so I have to be happy to have lost anything at all! The truth is, even though small numbers were how I lost last time (sometimes even less than a half pound a week!) it feels slightly frustrating. It is getting harder to squash cravings and stick to this (and obviously sticking to an exercise plan is eluding me, as well!) and the thought of several more weeks to go is daunting. 

However, my mantra has always been one meal at a time, so onward I go, holding onto that thought. Just the next meal. Perhaps adding in: just the next workout!  :-P

So around five pounds lost so far, around fifteen to go. Today is college football watching day, pizza on the menu, and I'm ever so slightly considering a *cheat* day. (sigh) We'll see. ;-)

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

It is Wednesday and I'm still here...

Midweek update: Diet going well, except that I'm running a bit on the low side of calories some days and I'm worried about the effects on my metabolism. Exercise has been non-existent this week, mainly due to raging PMS. :P

I'm finding the eating part so easy right now, which is so nice. I'm holding my breath for the inevitable bottomless pit hunger that will come back eventually, but for now I'm riding the 'easy' for all it's worth. I'm frustrated in my laziness this week, I mean, I could at least be walking a mile a day to get something accomplished! Maybe I'll motivate in the morning to drag hubby on a walk before work. We had been doing those 3 or 4 days a week for most of late August and the first three weeks of September and although we didn't go far (about a mile and a half) it was nice being out in the sun and spending time in the quiet mornings together. However, I'm a wimp and when the mornings started being cold (40s and 50s, nothing frigid, mind you) I wanted to stay in my warm house instead! :)

Mood wise I'm doing pretty well, even considering the PMS. I'm wondering if the lack of junk food contributes to that? Or maybe the anxiety is fed by the extra calories I was consuming? ;-)  At any rate, I'll take it. Last month was REALLY bad from day 8 to 14 of my cycle (ovulation has become way worse than menstruating for me in my 40's) so I'm bracing myself for that. Hoping mother nature is kinder to me this month! 

Well, that's where I'm at right now. Both holding steady and slacking off but still here checking in so I'm still in the 'losing' state of mind!

Monday, September 29, 2014

Week Two

The weekend was both good and bad, diet wise. The good is that I stayed within my calorie and fat range both days...the bad is that both days contained pizza. ;-)

I'm honestly not going to sweat it at all, though. I did the same thing last time, eating whatever I want -- as long as I stay within the calorie/fat range Sparkpeople sets up for me, that is. I feel like I'm less 'deprived' feeling and it feels like less of a diet and more of a portion restriction program. As I track my eating online, I soon realize I can eat more food if I choose smarter things and every decision becomes a trade-off. I treat it like I have $1200 in the bank and it's up to me how much I can buy with that money everyday. Pizza is expensive, but I can afford it if I budget properly. 

I am well aware it may be a slower process when I approach it like this. If I was only eating plain chicken breasts and broccoli all day long I'd most likely get where I want to go much quicker, however I doubt I could keep that up for long! I'm going for the long term here. Last time it took a full six months to get to goal, so I know this isn't going to be a quick couple of weeks till goal. We're talking MONTHS, not weeks, so I'm trying to be realistic here. 

I only did one workout over the weekend, but right now I'm focusing more on my food intake so I'm not sweating it. (HA! See what I did right there?!) I probably did about seven miles total last week, which is okay but not what I used to do, by any means. Part of this is me easing into it, part of it is me being wimpy, and part of it is slightly strategic. See, when I workout hardcore I tend to get famished, and then I am constantly hungry, which in turn makes calorie counting seem downright torturous. Right now I only want to workout enough to get a quick metabolism boost but not make my appetite jump up, and after awhile I'll start to kick up the intensity and frequency of working out. 

That's the plan, anyway. ;-)

So I am officially on week two now. This week will hopefully mirror last week in both diet and exercise (and pounds lost) but I'm going to take it one day at a time. It is also PMS week and I'm feeling a great deal of stress on behalf of my poor, stressed out teenager right now, so I'm perhaps taking it one hour at a time right now! :)

Sunday, September 28, 2014


So apparently I'm not getting notification of new comments,  because I just noticed there were several stuck in moderation. Ooops. My bad! :)

Honestly, I assumed I was talking to myself over here, but there are a couple of you die-hard awesome lovelies hanging out after all! So anyway, I guess I'll check every once in awhile...sorry about that! 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Weigh in

Weight last week: 144
Weight today: 141
Loss of 3 pounds

I finally, FINALLY, stuck to it for five days in a row! And the results of that was a three pound weight loss for the week, so it was well worth it. Woo Hoo! Now if I can just do this for the next 8 to 10 weeks, I'll be where I feel most comfortable again. It seems daunting, to be honest, but I'm just going to try and focus on one day at a time for now.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Failing. Still.

Since I posted last night, barely over 12 hours ago, I have failed HARD and OFTEN. I skipped dinner due to the pre-dinner binge, but then ten thirty rolled around and I was feeling kinda off so I grabbed a giant bag of m&m's (that I always keep in the house, more about this in a minute) and went to town on it. Sigh. 

Then this morning I woke feeling weak and fatigued (this whole week has been horrible with fatigue, weakness, and heart palpitations) so I grabbed a bowl of cereal right away. An hour later, I still felt gross and my husband called to see if I wanted him to bring me anything for breakfast on his way home from dropping our daughter at school. And even though I'd already had breakfast, I asked for a BK Croissan'wich AND a few TimBits (donut holes) from Tim Hortons. So I had not one, not two, but THREE breakfasts this morning. 

So wow. It's 11 am and I've already messed up today. Heck, it's only about 15 hours since I vowed here to do better and I've failed three times already since then. 

Honestly so much of it is how I feel physically. I tend to eat to feel better, to get energy, to get through the day essentially. Yes, I probably do need to go see the doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of ovulation this week and perimenopause. I would no doubt end up refusing to do hormone treatments, so going to the doctor is kinda a waste of time and precious energy, not to mention a source of unneeded anxiety.

And speaking of anxiety, that's what the m&m's are for. Oddly they serve as my anxiety medication. No idea why, but half of the time they help. (Why can't apples do this?) I have anxiety daily, some days unbearably anxious and filled with panic attacks, so sadly I'm turning to m&m's often. How stupid and weak. Obviously it's the placebo effect in action, but when I'm desperate and feeling like I want to die, I cave. It's a weird, unhealthy, coping mechanism.

So in the interest of complete honesty I am here, confessing, and hopefully the public shaming will eventually course correct my eating/exercise habits. I know it's pathetic, look away by all means, but I am determined to keep trying, however lame those tries may be. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Weight gain, still

So I am up twenty pounds now, weighing in this morning at 144. Ugh. I am just so frustrated at my lack of discipline and overeating! Just ten minutes ago, I ate a crapload of tortilla chips with guacamole and a pack of mini-oreos. An hour before dinner. What the heck?

I am just giving in time and time again. Eating out of boredom, eating to try and get energy, eating out of genuine hunger but choosing the wrong food, mindless snacking in front of the tv or computer. Just day after day, eating crap and too much of it. I know exactly how to stop the madness, but I don't, I allow it to continue even sometimes feeling oddly spiteful to myself as I'm doing it. It makes no sense. 

So I'm here to try and get a bit of focus, maybe some accountability, or perhaps just to vent...I don't know. But here I am, and hopefully its the beginning of turning this downslide around. My goal is to lose twenty pounds by the new year...but truthfully even ten by then would be great.

Specific ways to make it happen are the same as always: First, workout everyday, for at least a mile and a half. That is approximately 25 minutes worth of movement so there aren't any excuses. This should only be my starting point, but I guess I have to start somewhere. Second, eat less and better! Keep junk out of the house at all costs because if it is here, I will eat it. Watch portions. Edit creatively, leaving off the bad condiments and extra breads, etc.

Lastly, kicking up my water intake. Although I've seen studies that it isn't as important for weight loss as they once thought, constantly drinking it tends to remind me throughout the day that I'm pushing towards something, I'm actively pursuing something, I'm flushing out the bad and getting healthy. 

And yes, this is all a repeat of several attempts to get back into the game over the past two years. I'm aware of how ridiculous I am for coming here yet again and saying the same crap only to inevitably fail soon after. But whatever. Its a start...I hope. 

Sunday, July 13, 2014


Where do you start when you want to change EVERYTHING about your life??

Tuesday, February 11, 2014


This post is why I should keep the blog private. Because frankly I am full of sad and yuck and self pity. Because I apparently have nothing of any value to offer anyone, and that's why I am lonely and totally friendless at this point. The few friends I once had have all disappeared in the wake of my spiritual implosion, which frankly tells me a lot not only about them, but about Christianity itself. When I disappeared from church over a year ago, not one person called to try and help me, or save me, or council me. If they truly believe in what they say they do...wouldn't they at least try to save me from the hell where they say I'm heading? Am I not worth the trouble of something that important? Apparently not.

The hardest part is that even my mom is pulling away from me, unable to see past my doubts and questions, or maybe just frustrated by her own lack of answers for me, I don't know. So now I am truly left alone, but for my husband and daughter, who thankfully both stand beside me like the rocks that they are, and that really is enough in a way, because they love me so unconditionally. 

But the complete rejection from everyone else? It sucks. And it's lonely.

I am without hope today. Yes, I am definitely in one of my down-cycles (helped along, I am sure, by both hormones and the long hard winter we're dealing with, but dark and scary nonetheless) and I just don't see any hope for my future anymore. As long as my mental issues are this strong, what can I do to help make anything better? I very rarely have the wherewithal to even leave the house these days. I desperately want to get a part time job, but for every day I feel strong enough to do that, there are two or three that knock me back down to reality. I want to find new friends, even just one, but I'm unsure of the how or the where or the who. Again...what to I have of value to add to anyone? I honestly don't want to be a taker, but sometimes mental disabilities suck the life out of everyone around you, taking and taking from anyone who cares...until they don't anymore. 

Blah. I will regret posting this later. Whatever.