Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I'm back

So, after receiving a few emails asking about being blocked, I thought I'd explain.  I did an experiment a couple of months ago where I took the blog completely private to only serve as a 'diary' of sorts for all of my yucky yuckness...and then only wrote three very lame posts. So. Whatever. I'm back. (Although possibly no one is around to read any more, which would be so ironic)

What's new? Nothing. Same mess, same weight gain (possibly up more though), same negative depressing me. Aren't you glad I'm updating? 

I'm having a particularly bad day today. It's the last day of 2013 and as far as I can tell, 2014 will be just as crappy. Everyone on my facebook page is all positive and looking forward to the new year, and I so wish to be like them. Having mental illness SUCKS. I am tired. I am a slave to it. I am angry. I am at the end of me...but then, I've been there for a long time now.

People wonder how I could have possibly lost my faith in God, well let me tell you. Being in despair so often and being on your face, literally, before God...BEGGING, PLEADING to be well...and then only getting worse, well, I'm left with two options. Number one: God doesn't care enough to give me enough sanity and peace to at least not have to fight to want to live each day. Number two: He doesn't exist. 

Oh I know, there are other options. But frankly I think they're all crap. Bigger picture, bigger plan, blah blah blah. I am a PARENT. I would, even in my mortal imperfect ways, do ANYTHING to at the very least equip my daughter to live with hope and peace. So if God is my father, and He HAS that power and MORE, why wouldn't He (in love, right?) do that for me. At the least?!?


My anger at God is the only thing that convinces me that He may actually be real.   

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Big day OVER!

Well, we made it through my daughter's quinceanera and I'm still in one piece. That's not to say there weren't numerous breakdowns along the way (oh, there were!) and several ugly childish fits thrown (by me) in the days leading up to it, but here we are on the other side now! (As a bit of a TMI, I started my 'monthly special time' hours before the event, so yeah, stress plus PMS is quite a combo for me!) In the end, everything went relatively smoothly and Gabby had a really wonderful evening, so it was all worth it. 

As for fitting my dress, I did, but barely. It was tight-ish and not as flattering as I'd hoped, but it zipped and I could even sit and walk in it, so yay. This was probably due to the fact that I'd almost completely stopped being able to eat for the last couple of days leading up to the party! I did a weigh in Saturday morning and it showed 134 but I'm not making it official because it was almost certainly the result of dehydration, not actual pounds lost! 

(And sure enough, my appetite is back today and I've already totally crushed an order of teriyaki chicken!)

I'm just so grateful to be back in the land of the ordinary again, no special events looming, no busy schedule, no ten checklists to go over, no endless crafting of centerpieces, endless shopping, and mega-stressing! Just plain old life. Good stuff. I know that there are many people who enjoy planning parties or dinners or those types of things but I am definitely NOT one of those people! When it's time for Gabby's wedding, hopefully I can afford a wedding planner! :)


Saturday, September 28, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 137.5
Loss for the week: Half a pound

Sigh. It is what it is. One week till big event, it is now too late to make much of a difference. I'm really hoping the dress I bought will fit, because it was a bit tight when I bought it. Silly me, I honestly thought I'd muster all this self-control and discipline to lose a few pounds in a month. 

Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than failing yourself day after day? What is that?! And really, that is why I'm upset...not the weight issue (although UGH I'm ready for my old clothes to fit again!) but the feeling of defeat, of weakness, of failure.

I know I'm annoying with the constant whining...like, 'just buckle down and do what you need to do already' right? I honestly don't know why I'm being so weak and pathetic about this. Truthfully, I am just a hot mess right now, between the stress of this party coming up and the hormones that get worse this time of the month, not to mention the anxiety/depression that is my constant companion. Excuses, yes, but doggone it, the combination of all this has me standing on the edge of a breakdown time and time again. 

I am just not a strong person anymore. I used to be such a strong person when I was young, honestly, but this constant mental, physical, and hormonal torture year after year has just broken me. I am so tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to pull it together. So I just let myself be weak and I'm so ashamed of this. 

You know, I used to judge people for whatever I perceived to be their weaknesses, but not any longer. I am finally in a position where I find myself judging no one. It is odd, the freedom in that. I've finally realized that we are ALL weak in our own ways. We are ALL in a fight, in a struggle, an internal or external battle, aren't we? True, it isn't always thrust upon us from circumstances or other people, yes, sometimes we pick it up ourselves for whatever reason, but even then aren't we all, on some level, self destructive? Isn't that ultimately the human condition? 

Okay so this became a bit deeper than my usual weigh in, didn't it? :) I just have so much on my mind and no place to spill it, so bits of it creep out here occasionally. Sorry! Back to the subject at hand: my weight. Hopefully this week takes off a pound or even two, but if it doesn't onward I go. I can't let myself feel so defeated over something so insignificant. It is what it is.   

Saturday, September 21, 2013

saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 138
Loss of one pound.

BLAH. I tried so hard this week. Walking in the mornings (and I am NOT a morning person!) and carefully watching my food intake. Turning down snacks and making good meal choices and on and on...for a stinking pound lost? 

I mean, we had Breyers coffee iced cream in the freezer all week and I had NONE of it. NONE! I got my daughter a donut for breakfast Friday and went without. I had Boston Market and gave away my delicious cornbread. I had Tic Tacs as snacks and shunned side dishes at dinner. For a pound.

Yes, I should be happy the scale moved. But wow, I am discouraged. After I weighed in I went to the Dollar General and bought a box of Zings and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch...and proceeded to go to town. Cause yeah, that'll help.

Anyway, there you have it. Trying for two down this week. I'm aiming to add in an afternoon workout to boost what I do in the mornings, maybe it'll help.  

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Note to self

So I can't figure out why I sabotage myself so often! Today was going great...brisk 1.4 mile walk in the park with hubby bright and early, low-cal breakfast sandwich for breakfast, remembered my b-complex, went to Subway for lunch and though I was SOOOO tempted by the yummy chocolate-chocolate chip cookies I resisted.

I was feeling on top of it!

Get home with my food and even decided to only eat half my sub and half of my baked chips, and save the rest for a couple of hours later. But then I didn't. And I scarfed it all in like five minutes. Oh, and I also gobbled down a 100 calorie pack of cookies for no apparent reason. Probably about six hundred freaking calories in 15 minutes. And I have zero clues why.

Seriously, WHY?! 

I am now feeling so gross and full. Like, I wish I hadn't have eaten at all. I am taking the time to type this out right now because one day I'll read back over this and I want to tell my future self that IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I feel emotionally sick, physically sick, and just plain disappointed in myself.

So the plan is to not snack today or just grab a yogurt or carrots if i get desperate, cook a healthy-ish dinner (chicken fajitas I think) and for heavens sake use a bit of portion control while eating it, and get another walk/run in of at least a mile, maybe even a mile and a half.

Oh, and do some laundry, which is totally exercise. 

Keep trying, right? Sigh. Keep on trying.   

*Edited to add: I did it! I walked/ran on the treadmill an additional 1.6 miles for a total of 3 miles today. Phew. I feel so much better, not going to lie. :)

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight today: 139 
Gain of almost 2 pounds. 

I am frustrated with myself beyond belief. Why can't I just buckle down and do this already?! My biggest and closest-to-legit excuse is that I'm stinking exhausted. School started a few weeks ago for my daughter and suddenly I'm up at 6:00 (or earlier) now and let me tell you...it's taking a toll. I don't fall asleep easily EVER no matter how tired I am, and I'm averaging only 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, often even less than that. Occasionally I'll take a quick nap during the day, but usually not because it ends up making me feel gross, so I'm walking around in a daze like a stinking zombie. Exercise? Yeah, highly unlikely when I can barely function or keep my eyes open. Eating right? Nope, lets order a pizza again for dinner, or here let me grab these m&m's at 3:00 just for the sugar rush to be able to go pick her up from school, and etc. 

Now, all of that being said, I completely acknowledge that it's all just a bunch of lame excuses. I know that I COULD do this if I really tried, but I am simply NOT TRYING. I am choosing to let my circumstances get the best of me. Here's the thing: I have a big event I want to look good for in less than a month, and now I have no time to get back down to a weight I'm more comfortable at, so it is time to just buckle down and do something. Even five or six pounds lost by then would make a difference in the tight-ish dress that I have to wear that day. So...onward I must go. Somehow I have to find it in me to care more, to be more consistent, to make a focused effort. Somehow.

Thursday, August 22, 2013


So, there is a reason I didn't weigh in on Saturday and it isn't that I forgot. I remembered, but I just couldn't face what would surely be waiting for me: a big, fat gain. I'm sorry to say that I will probably not be weighing in again this weekend. I can't even pretend there's a chance for a loss, or even a chance of maintaining where I was. I've been terrible, and I mean AWFUL, with my eating and I've blown off the majority of workouts that I was supposed to do for the past couple of weeks. 


I'm so unbelievably stressed out about various things and then I treat food as an escape. Something I can control, even if everything else is OUT of control. I respond to stress in the worst way: by hiding at home and pigging out on junk.Trying not to think, I will lose myself in a book or on the internet or by watching a series on Netflix. And I'll be eating the whole time. 

Through all of this I hurt. Physically, I mean. Cramps...horrible, terrible, painful uterine cramps plague me for weeks every single month. They begin a couple of days before ovulation and continue for pretty much the entire two weeks (or more) until my period and then into my period. So, pain for approximately 18-20 days a month. This has been the norm for me for 2 or 3 years now and I am sadly pretty much used to it, but it still really, really sucks. My heating pad is my constant companion. I sleep with it, eat with it, watch tv with it, and I've even thought of taking it on car rides with me! So...I tend to use this as an excuse to not work out. Most days I could probably work through the pain, and some days I do, but truthfully I usually don't. I just let myself be defeated by it, like I do most things in my life. 

Obviously, I'm whiny today and I'm sorry. I'm cranky and lonely and stressed and I've been feeling way too crampy and yucky for way too many days in a row. I'm also feeling very emotionally adrift because of the spiritual stuff...stuff I'd planned to work out here but I'm finding that probably isn't a great idea. There's just no way to say the things I am thinking and feeling without seriously hurting those of you who are religious, and I do NOT want to do that. I will only say that I do know I still believe in God, if only because of the intense anger I often feel towards him. That sounds terrible, but it is sometimes the only comfort I feel about the whole thing. If I can keep believing in HIM, despite my feelings towards Christianity/religion and the bible, that is at least SOMETHING.

No matter how badly I want to say more, like all of the how's and why's of my drastic change of thinking, I won't out of respect for those who still hold those things dearly, and who may read my words and be disheartened. Just know that it is a HUGE part of my life right now, this spiritual struggle, and it isn't something I take lightly. It is a violent stripping away of something I don't necessarily WANT to lose. I just don't know how to force myself to continue on without it being a lie, and that would seriously defeat the purpose, yes? 

Anyway, there's an update of what's going on in my life right now. Basically, a big mess but what can I say...I'm used to it. ;-)   

Saturday, August 10, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Well, today I weighed in at 137.3, so I didn't lose anything and I'm even up a tenth of a pound. Boooo.

I have a few semi-valid excuses I could throw down, but I won't. When it comes right down to it, I only worked out three times this past week and I had way too many bad meals, those things are my fault and I own it.

So, here's to another week of trying to do better. My daughter goes back to school on Tuesday, so we'll see if that HELPS my cause or HURTS it. (It's very stressful for me, so hurting it is entirely possible!) Oh, and this week is the worst of my PMS for the month, so good times. (not) I'll try not to eat myself into a coma and do SOMETHING, no matter how small, to get a workout everyday and see if it helps.   

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 137.2
Weight last week: 143
Lost 5.8 pounds! :)

So excited about this. I know it gets harder from here, but I'm just glad that the efforts of this past week added up to something, or I'd have maybe given up. Hoping to lose another two pounds this upcoming week. 

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Saturday norning weigh-in

Decided to weigh in on a whim this morning. 143. Yikes. That is a full TWENTY pounds up from my lowest! 

Time to get serious. I am actually ashamed of how I let it get this bad. Eating peanut m&ms again (a lot!), cupcakes, chips, Doritos, YOU NAME IT. It is shameful. I have been very spotty with working out, too. I'm in a wicked down cycle and it's showing in my weight, for sure. 

So frustrated with myself.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Church yesterday

Well, I decided to go to church yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. BIG mistake. I just ended up having this running dialog in my head, countering some of what is being preached and remembering Bible verses that countered others he mentioned, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't turn it off.

The biggest question here for me is: Should I even be trying to turn it off? 

Here's the thing. One of the lessons I've been taught as a Christian is to silence doubt. Not to question anything in the Bible. That the questions in my head are no doubt put there by the devil, so to entertain them is wrong. Just go to the Bible for 'truth' and replace all doubt with faith.

Only...that isn't sitting right with me anymore. (Did it ever? I don't know.) What I do know is that constantly shutting down my own thoughts and feelings has become what feels like self-brainwashing. Constantly going against what FEELS right for what I'm TOLD is right feels wrong. I feel like I'm having to choose between being true to myself or being true to God, and I know I'm supposed to choose Him, but why does that feel so wrong?

So anyway, about halfway through the sermon he hit a note that was just one too far for me to handle so I went out to the car and proceeded to have a chat with God. Not that I got any answers, mind you. I never do. Then I tried not to make a big deal out of it to my family, but of course eventually I ended up making comments to both of them separately, and they both got mad at me. Sigh.

I just don't want my daughter to be PROGRAMMED. I want her to CHOOSE this, if it's what she wants, but also to be fully informed. I also want her to be strong enough to question what she's taught, to weigh it within herself, to not just regurgitate what she hears from other people. To not only HAVE a belief, but to be able to articulate why she believes it, and able to defend it with more than just 'that's what I was taught' or whatever. Not to swallow every word that is ever served to her, but to examine both herself and the word and decide what she finds palatable. 

But. To say these things to her sounds like I'm trying to program her to MY way of thinking, and that's wrong, too. So what to do? I don't know. I do know that I'm going to just have to shut up about it though. I don't want to upset her, or take away her faith. And my husband is over it, too. He is frustrated with me, to say the least. 

So I guess I'll try to keep my thoughts to myself, or put them here. In the meantime, I have to decide what to do about attending church. I wanted to go in the name of family unity, but it might end up doing more harm than good.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

introduction to my doubt

To start I'll say that I am pretty much all the way over into agnostic territory these days. I still believe that there is a God and I'm holding onto that belief with both hands. However, I honestly don't think I can be considered a Christian any longer. It's not that I don't believe in Jesus, I'm just not sure what He did or for whom, but what I do know is that I pretty much don't believe in the bible itself anymore...and can you really be a Christian if you don't follow the Bible?

I could go on and on about why and one day maybe I will, but mostly I'll just say that I no longer believe the 'divine inspiration, infallible word of God' aspect of the bible. I now believe it was written by very infallible men and then translated over and over by very infallible (and perhaps even corrupt) men with political and cultural agenda

(And don't even get me started on how I think many churches ACT like they feel the same way...picking and choosing what to follow and what to throw out. Another post for another time, perhaps!)
As for the gospel and Jesus, as much as it pains me to say this: I don't know. I just don't.  I WANT to know and believe, I'm just not sure. Right now there is very little ground under my feet (do you know what i mean by that?) and I haven't been able to get my head around Jesus and who I think he was or what I think he did quite yet.

What I do believe is that God, in whatever form He exists, HAS GOT TO BE far, far bigger than any religion could possibly begin to conceive or imagine. Once I allowed myself to openly study different aspects of the universe, it became clearer that Christianity's version of God (or ANY earthly religion's view of him) is tiny. Small. Earth focused. Very rigid and very, very limited by our own constructed religion and beliefs. I feel like we've created our version of God BASED on what the Bible says, instead of allowing Him to be whatever He is based on WHAT HE ACTUALLY IS. 

At any rate, a lot has changed within me, or maybe its just that I've finally admitted what has always been there, just beneath the surface. Many people would probably say that I must have never been saved in the first place, and maybe they are right. Truth be told, I've been a doubter since early childhood, always asking my mom questions on how we could possibly know our way was the right way and all the others had it wrong. So, maybe I never truly committed myself to Christianity, I don't know. I know that I truly felt like I did. I sincerely tried. I cried out to God repeatedly in desperation to know Him, to find Him, for the faith to believe more times than I can count. I've lain face-down on my bedroom floor crying out to Him over and over again. I've participated in Bible study after Bible study, read book after book, fasted and prayed, gone to church for years. Yet, here I am, filled with more doubt than faith.

Those who believe in predestination would say I am just not one of the elect. Honestly, if the Bible really is true then I can actually buy into this one. I just don't get it as easily and naturally as the Christians I see around me. I can't just embrace faith and shut off the questions and doubts. Never have been able to do that, no matter how hard I tried. So...maybe I just wasn't chosen by God to be saved. I don't know.

What I do know is that I can't pretend anymore and I can't simply silence what is screaming inside of me to get out any longer. And PLEASE know that this isn't something I take lightly. I have struggled and wrestled and mentally beaten myself bloody trying to hold onto my faith. I WANT to believe. I've begged and pleaded with God time and time again to give me the faith to believe. I WANT to just keep going and ignore this. I WANT to make things simpler and just fall back into the patterns of my faith. 

I just don't know how. 

Saturday, June 22, 2013


So, here's the deal. I want to have a place to write about the religious angsty stuff going on with me and I've wanted to be able to freely do it here, but didn't want to offend anyone. I've kept it all inside for so long that I feel like I'm going to BURST and desperately need to let it OUT. So, I just tried for like an hour to figure out how to make a separate page here so that you can only read the religious stuff if you want to, but apparently blogger stinks and it isn't that easy. SO. I'm just going to do it here and ask that you go easy on me. Also, I DO NOT want to upset anyone by what I say, or have my words make anyone else start to struggle in their own faith. This is a horrible thing that I am going through and the LAST thing I ever want to do it drag someone else down with me. If you need to stop reading here, I totally understand.

I guess that is a disclaimer for whatever is to follow. 

You've been warned. ;-)

(Of course if the past is any indicator of future behavior I'll probably not post here for another two or three months, so yeah. Whatever.) 


Saturday, May 4, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Yes, I'm frustrated.
Yes, I could be trying harder, it is my own fault.
Here's to a better week...

Saturday, April 27, 2013


*I completely forgot to weigh in this morning, which is no doubt a blessing because this week was absolutely HORRIBLE on the eating side, with no exercise whatsoever. I should be ashamed. :)

*I want so badly to be able to talk about the ongoing spiritual journey in my life...but I just don't seem capable of translating thoughts into words in this area...or maybe I'm just not ready, I don't know. The one thing I will say: Once the first domino falls, the rest inevitably come down, whether you want them to or not. 

*Spring may have actually (finally!) sprung. THANK GOODNESS. My depression is 100x worse in the winter and holy cow, did it go on for what seemed like forever this year! If only my anxiety would minimize as well...sigh.

*My daughter is just a few weeks away from finishing up her freshman year of high school! (WOW. I'm just so old.) This year nearly killed us all, as her school is intentionally highly rigorous and difficult (and she had multiple extracurricular activities on top of that) but she has rocked it. None if it came easily, mind you. She had to fight tooth and nail in every class, on each assignment and on every test, which makes her success an even bigger accomplishment, in my opinion. Sorry, I could brag on and on here, I am just so stinking proud of her. She's a really good girl. :)

*However, I'll be honest. Parenting a teenage girl--even a good one---is, well, lets just say it's an adventure.  ;)

Well, I guess that's it. All I've got today. Now get out there and enjoy this springtime!  :)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in, resurrected

Weigh in: 134.6
Loss of:  3.4

Hm. Seems unlikely. I didn't have a ton of water yesterday, maybe I'm dehydrated? At any rate, there it is. I will probably go up again in a day or two.

Not going to lie though, it does make me want to keep going, seeing a smaller number already. :)

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

This winter has not been kind to my hips!

Veering back into weight-loss territory...

So, I just got home from Kohls, where I had hoped to use my 20% off coupon to buy a couple of clearance spring/summer tops. Well, that didn't happen. NOTHING fit properly. I am horrified by how terrible I looked in every single thing I put on. I haven't weighed in for quite some time, but I'm guessing I'm up BIG time. (I know I should just bite the bullet and get on the scales, but I am in full scale avoidance mode right now!) 

EDIT: I weighed in after I posted this: 138. Still what it was before the holidays, but for some reason I look bigger than I did then. Whatever, it is what it is. 13 pounds to goal. 

It is all my fault and I knew it was coming. I've slacked majorly when it comes to working out, I've been snacking endlessly, I'm even back to munching my old nemesis peanut M&Ms, I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not practicing portion control, I'm eating whatever I want whenever I want, and so on. Just no discipline whatsoever, heck, I'm not even trying.

My first instinct is to go WAAAY in the other direction and barely eat anything, but the past has proven that doesn't work for me long term so...I suppose I'm back to calorie counting. (UGH)  I also need to get back on that treadmill, but with me eating is the biggest key to going back down, so that's where I will focus the bulk of my attention for now.

I think I'm going to try the approach of small, frequent meals all day and then portion control at dinner. Also, I might be talking about this here, not sure yet. Right now it seems like a good idea, it worked before, but I also know that blogging regularly isn't my strong point! :)  If anyone does SparkPeople and wants to follow along with me there, just let me know!

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Gay Marriage

Okay, so building on the last confession, here's another one: I think that we (America) should allow gay marriage, as long as churches are not forced by law (citing discrimination, etc.) to perform them.

*Again, a disclaimer: I MAY BE 100% WRONG on this. I'm positive I'm wrong on some level, as I don't think any of us ever totally have it right when it comes to God. I'm not trying to convince you or convert you, and my thoughts in this area are very much a work in progress. This is just where my head is at right now, today, and I may very well be in a different place a month from now. End of disclaimer.*

See, here's the thing: I think it is really strange that we are trying to legislate our beliefs upon the entire country simply on the basis that they are our beliefs. I have yet to hear or read any logical argument that makes me believe that gay marriage would somehow hurt all marriages, or negatively effect society in general. Every article I've ever read on this subject has been embarrassingly vague and nonsensical to me, honestly.

(Please know that I understand that we, as Christians, are supposed to be bound to a higher law than American law...however we are projecting that Biblical allegiance onto the entire population and that is where we lose all credibility. Our convictions are just that: OUR convictions. I don't want to be bound by an outsider's definition of right or wrong, so why should I assume that right over others?) 

In my mind, if being a homosexual is a sin, and if marrying someone of the same gender is also a sin, isn't that ultimately between that person/couple and God? We all answer for our own sins, end of story. Quite honestly, I often wonder if we Christians aren't guilty of a bigger sin here, by showing such hate and disdain toward the homosexual population, and inadvertently projecting a portrait of God that is full of anger and contempt, a being who just wants to force you into submission at all costs. 

Serious question: Isn't someone burning in hell because they reject the ugly version of God that we present to them a bigger tragedy than anything? 

Unlike some Christians, I am FIRMLY against America becoming a theocracy of any kind, even a watered down version where evangelicals dictate what parts of the Bible should become part of American law. That reason? Whose version of Christianity/God do we choose? Which parts of the Bible are enforced and by whom? What's next...a tithe tax? Women being forced to wear long skirts and head coverings? Outlawing tattoos or remarrying after a divorce? And what happens when/if Christianity is no longer the religion of the majority and it is replaced by whatever religion follows it? Will we still be happy with said theocracy then? 

Just for a second, envision yourself living in an America bound by Sharia law. You aren't Muslim, you don't believe in their teachings and you feel that they are forcing you to directly oppose what you do believe. Do you honestly think that over time you'd be converted to their religion and learn to love and serve their version of god, or do you think that you'd become more resentful over time and come to hate everything that they stand for? Now tell me why on earth you think that non-Christians will be won over to Christ by forcing them, through legislation, to follow your set of beliefs?

I can force my child to read her Bible for hours each day, and that won't necessarily make her a believer. In fact, it may sour her to Christianity altogether if, instead of letting her find her own path to God, I use a heavy hand to force her down my path. Given the authority, I could force my neighbors to go to church each Sunday, but that wouldn't automatically make them believers, it would most likely cause them to resent both me and God. If I had the power, I could make it illegal to curse or use the Lord's name in vain...but those laws would ultimately do nothing at all to change the actual hearts of men. And isn't that where we are called to focus...the hearts of humanity?

I'm becoming more and more convinced that the crusade of Christianity against gay marriage is only accomplishing one thing spiritually speaking: multitudes of people turning their backs on God even further. That is a heavy cost, and for what? If your problem is with homosexuality, this doesn't 'solve' that problem. Homosexuality has always existed and will always exist, whether they are allowed to marry or not. So all that is really being accomplished is a bigger gulf is being forged between 'them' and 'us' or by extension, between them and God.

Where is the love we are supposed to show our fellow sinners? Are we so afraid that loving them will somehow make us complicit in their sin, as if we aren't knee deep in our own? Have we become more about the letter of the law than the spirit of the law, and isn't this something Jesus warned us about? I mean, is anyone else feeling a bit like a Pharisee?

Also, let us not forget it hasn't been that long ago that some Christians used the Bible to fight against interracial marriages, as well. My own marriage would be against the law had that argument stood, and for what reason, I ask you? How would my marriage hurt anyone, offend God, or cause society to implode into chaos? At one time, many Christians believed firmly that God said it would do those things, just as they say gay marriage will do those things now.  

One last thing to keep in mind: Marriage as we know it now (even amongst Christians, sadly) only has about a 50% success rate, so please don't come at me with the argument about the 'sanctity' of marriage between a man and a woman. We straight people have managed to make quite a mockery of marriage already, if you ask me.          

EDITED TO ADD: I just found an article that says what I was trying to say, only much better than I said it! I can't vouch for the entire site, as I have never read there before, but the article is good. 

Friday, March 22, 2013


Okay people, here's one of my changes of heart to start the ball rolling, so to speak:

I officially have zero problems with gay people.

Now, I could write page upon page about the 'why' behind that statement (and quite frankly I HAVE written those pages but never published them) but there it is. The only explanation I'll give right now is that:
  1. MY particular daily sin (fear/anxiety) is addressed many more times in the Bible than homosexuality is addressed.
  2. I, myself, am seemingly powerless to change, even though it is my deepest hearts desire.
  3. I did not choose this and I do not continue to choose it daily.

Look, I've prayed thousands of times for God to change me, or help me to change myself, all in vain. I've begged, I've fasted, I've literally lay on the floor face down and wept before God. I've been prayed for by pastors, by evangelists, had the elders lay hands on me, been anointed with oil, done numerous Bible studies and read dozens of books on the matter...you name it. I am a person who spent years trying desperately to be set free of my sin. Yet, here I am, 41 years old and worse than ever, trying to simply get through each day and some days barely making it.

I know the horror of desperately NEEDING God to help you and then being met by only silence. It is an incredibly hopeless feeling, when God is your only hope but He doesn't come through for you. The things I've done that I mentioned above, these are what many gay Christians have gone through trying to be normal and free from how they feel (I've read many blogs and articles on this subject) and they've then been met by the same horrible silence from God. Oh, only they get a bonus to go along with that: complete judgement and rejection from the body of Christ. They get to be told they are going to burn in hell, for something they have not been able to conquer no matter how hard they've tried.

Just. Like. Me.

Also, I've come to fully believe that they are NOT choosing to be gay. In fact, many of them are actually killing themselves to escape it, a feeling I happen to completely and totally understand. And make no mistake, I am also fully aware of what the Bible says concerning the matter. This is just one reason out of a thousand that I am struggling to embrace the Bible lately. Or maybe it is just the church's interpretation and/or application of the Bible, I don't know.

And there you have it. I am not trying to convince you to feel the same, and I'm not asking to be talked out of it. After years of wrestling with God and myself over this matter I think I've finally come to as close to a peaceful resolution as I can within myself. Yes, I absolutely could be 100% wrong and I could be grieving God and I could be making a horrible judgement call...I know all of that. But something inside of me needed me to do this, to accept this, to maybe even embrace this. I don't know what else to say.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013


There is something extremely isolating about losing your faith. You are out there on this fragile limb, all by yourself, with no one to help you. It is so very lonely.

You can't really talk to your Christian friends about it, because they will either immediately judge you or quote numerous Bible verses at you, ones that you've argued already in your mind time and time again.  Or even worse, they could decide you are a bad influence and decide to shun you completely, like a modern day leper.

You can't really talk to your non-Christian friends either, for fear that they will just say things that will further place a wedge between you and God, somehow cutting that last thread of connection that you have with Him.

So ultimately you just end up writing insanely long blog posts that never see the light of day, living only in your drafts folder forever.

Thus, the silence here. I'm honestly getting closer and closer to just outing myself and all of my changes of heart, doubts, and confusion, but I'm just not quite there yet. Frankly I think part of me is afraid that once I put it all out there, I can't go back.

All I know is, I am very sad and very alone in this. It just really, really sucks.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

A few of my current truths...

I will soon be turning 41 years old, yet there are times that I have the emotional maturity of a teenager. I wonder if I'll ever truly feel like a grown up.

I believe in God, but can barely tolerate anything to do with religion these days, including the Bible.

My prayers rarely extend beyond a sentence or two. Sometimes all I can say is "Please, Lord..." and then I have no other words.

I am currently gaining weight, not losing it, and although I have the desire, I don't really have the drive to change that tide. 

I sometimes deliberately don't do the things 'they' say to do to take care of myself, because I'd very much prefer not to grow too old. 

I am at a complete standstill in my life. I am at a loss as to what I should do now that my daughter is in school. 

I am pretty much feeling mentally paralyzed when it comes to changing any of the things I listed above.   


Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I really AM posting a lot. but...

You want to know why I don't post here anymore? 

In all honesty, I am not a naturally happy person. Oh, I have happy times, don't get me wrong, I am actually one to laugh a lot and I've always had a wicked sense of humor, but my natural default tends toward depressed, or anxious, or negative. I don't know why exactly, I've been like this as long as I can remember, and I will be the first person to admit that it sucks. 

I mean, how not-fun is that? To be around a down in the dumps person? To hear gripes and worries and complaints? It isn't fun for anyone...including me! So yeah, here's what happens with this blog. I come here, I write a super-long post about something or another (usually political or religion based) and then I hit 'save post' instead of 'publish' because I don't want to be that blog. The Debbie-downer blog. The 'I have yet another issue to flesh out here' blog. The 'why can't she ever make progress?' blog.

The truth is, I have a whole lot rumbling around my brain these days and no outlet for any of it. I am home by myself all day and when my husband and daughter get home we are eating dinner, doing homework, etc. so it all stays up there in my brain. And frankly, I have a headache. 

So. Maybe I will start hitting publish. I don't know. I guess I just wanted to warn you that it might be coming. Beware. ;-)