Saturday, September 28, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 137.5
Loss for the week: Half a pound

Sigh. It is what it is. One week till big event, it is now too late to make much of a difference. I'm really hoping the dress I bought will fit, because it was a bit tight when I bought it. Silly me, I honestly thought I'd muster all this self-control and discipline to lose a few pounds in a month. 

Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than failing yourself day after day? What is that?! And really, that is why I'm upset...not the weight issue (although UGH I'm ready for my old clothes to fit again!) but the feeling of defeat, of weakness, of failure.

I know I'm annoying with the constant, 'just buckle down and do what you need to do already' right? I honestly don't know why I'm being so weak and pathetic about this. Truthfully, I am just a hot mess right now, between the stress of this party coming up and the hormones that get worse this time of the month, not to mention the anxiety/depression that is my constant companion. Excuses, yes, but doggone it, the combination of all this has me standing on the edge of a breakdown time and time again. 

I am just not a strong person anymore. I used to be such a strong person when I was young, honestly, but this constant mental, physical, and hormonal torture year after year has just broken me. I am so tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to pull it together. So I just let myself be weak and I'm so ashamed of this. 

You know, I used to judge people for whatever I perceived to be their weaknesses, but not any longer. I am finally in a position where I find myself judging no one. It is odd, the freedom in that. I've finally realized that we are ALL weak in our own ways. We are ALL in a fight, in a struggle, an internal or external battle, aren't we? True, it isn't always thrust upon us from circumstances or other people, yes, sometimes we pick it up ourselves for whatever reason, but even then aren't we all, on some level, self destructive? Isn't that ultimately the human condition? 

Okay so this became a bit deeper than my usual weigh in, didn't it? :) I just have so much on my mind and no place to spill it, so bits of it creep out here occasionally. Sorry! Back to the subject at hand: my weight. Hopefully this week takes off a pound or even two, but if it doesn't onward I go. I can't let myself feel so defeated over something so insignificant. It is what it is.   

Saturday, September 21, 2013

saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 138
Loss of one pound.

BLAH. I tried so hard this week. Walking in the mornings (and I am NOT a morning person!) and carefully watching my food intake. Turning down snacks and making good meal choices and on and on...for a stinking pound lost? 

I mean, we had Breyers coffee iced cream in the freezer all week and I had NONE of it. NONE! I got my daughter a donut for breakfast Friday and went without. I had Boston Market and gave away my delicious cornbread. I had Tic Tacs as snacks and shunned side dishes at dinner. For a pound.

Yes, I should be happy the scale moved. But wow, I am discouraged. After I weighed in I went to the Dollar General and bought a box of Zings and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch...and proceeded to go to town. Cause yeah, that'll help.

Anyway, there you have it. Trying for two down this week. I'm aiming to add in an afternoon workout to boost what I do in the mornings, maybe it'll help.  

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Note to self

So I can't figure out why I sabotage myself so often! Today was going great...brisk 1.4 mile walk in the park with hubby bright and early, low-cal breakfast sandwich for breakfast, remembered my b-complex, went to Subway for lunch and though I was SOOOO tempted by the yummy chocolate-chocolate chip cookies I resisted.

I was feeling on top of it!

Get home with my food and even decided to only eat half my sub and half of my baked chips, and save the rest for a couple of hours later. But then I didn't. And I scarfed it all in like five minutes. Oh, and I also gobbled down a 100 calorie pack of cookies for no apparent reason. Probably about six hundred freaking calories in 15 minutes. And I have zero clues why.

Seriously, WHY?! 

I am now feeling so gross and full. Like, I wish I hadn't have eaten at all. I am taking the time to type this out right now because one day I'll read back over this and I want to tell my future self that IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I feel emotionally sick, physically sick, and just plain disappointed in myself.

So the plan is to not snack today or just grab a yogurt or carrots if i get desperate, cook a healthy-ish dinner (chicken fajitas I think) and for heavens sake use a bit of portion control while eating it, and get another walk/run in of at least a mile, maybe even a mile and a half.

Oh, and do some laundry, which is totally exercise. 

Keep trying, right? Sigh. Keep on trying.   

*Edited to add: I did it! I walked/ran on the treadmill an additional 1.6 miles for a total of 3 miles today. Phew. I feel so much better, not going to lie. :)

Saturday, September 7, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight today: 139 
Gain of almost 2 pounds. 

I am frustrated with myself beyond belief. Why can't I just buckle down and do this already?! My biggest and closest-to-legit excuse is that I'm stinking exhausted. School started a few weeks ago for my daughter and suddenly I'm up at 6:00 (or earlier) now and let me tell's taking a toll. I don't fall asleep easily EVER no matter how tired I am, and I'm averaging only 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, often even less than that. Occasionally I'll take a quick nap during the day, but usually not because it ends up making me feel gross, so I'm walking around in a daze like a stinking zombie. Exercise? Yeah, highly unlikely when I can barely function or keep my eyes open. Eating right? Nope, lets order a pizza again for dinner, or here let me grab these m&m's at 3:00 just for the sugar rush to be able to go pick her up from school, and etc. 

Now, all of that being said, I completely acknowledge that it's all just a bunch of lame excuses. I know that I COULD do this if I really tried, but I am simply NOT TRYING. I am choosing to let my circumstances get the best of me. Here's the thing: I have a big event I want to look good for in less than a month, and now I have no time to get back down to a weight I'm more comfortable at, so it is time to just buckle down and do something. Even five or six pounds lost by then would make a difference in the tight-ish dress that I have to wear that day. So...onward I must go. Somehow I have to find it in me to care more, to be more consistent, to make a focused effort. Somehow.