Sunday, April 26, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 131.6
Weight today: 131.8
Gain of .2 lbs

Yeah, I totally expected that but it still sucks. No big talk today of planning to do better this week. I'm still deep in the pit and I start work tomorrow. Who knows if I'll even make it through the week intact, let alone with a loss.  

Saturday, April 25, 2015

A pattern to the madness?

So I'm still in bed and it's past noon. I did get up earlier to shower and change, but then I decided to get right back into bed. Nothing to do today, no one else is home, and I am still deep inside the pit of yucky depression.

Then I started thinking of the last time I was in bed during the day. I hadn't eaten in three days and I was super depressed then, too. So I looked it up here (why this blog is so helpful to me sometimes!) and it was literally one month ago exactly. At the tail end of my period, when I usually get super moody and yucky again. Holy crap, could this be ALL hormones? 

Now, both times I had actual circumstantial 'reasons' adding to the depression, things going on in my life that suck and are completely out of my control. However, maybe something hormonal at the end of my period is actually making me incapable of dealing with the problems in a healthy manner? Making everything seem hopeless, huge, and insurmountable?

So...even though I feel like I'm never going to be happy and functional again, maybe it'll pass in a day or so like last time. Ugh. I hate how badly my hormones effect everything about me and the fact that I can't fix this, but at least it isn't everyday. I don't know how people with clinical depression deal with this daily! It is horrible and debilitating. 

Side note: I am also feeling like I'm coming down with a cold or something and last night I totally caved and binged on junk food, like I always do when I'm sick. And I ate A LOT. And it's still in the house with me my hopes aren't high for a positive outcome on the scales tomorrow. Oh well, I just don't care too much about that right now, unfortunately. I'm sure I will care tomorrow morning when I see a gain, though!

Friday, April 24, 2015

Bad week

Having a bad couple of days. I know it's partially hormones at play, as it is my time of the month, but the depression/anxiety/anger/frustration is so real and overwhelming. I have learned to live relatively okay with just anxiety...that is my daily affliction and I deal with it and function normally (for me, that is!) but when it is accompanied by depression (which luckily isn't everyday, only a few days a month in the spring/summer, more in the winter) I am not able to be myself at all. I am paralyzed and consumed with it. I am less than myself. 

Things -- besides hormones -- that are contributing to this yuck right now:

I am so crazy lonely that there are not adequate words to express it. A few times lately I've literally cried in public because my loneliness overwhelms me. I shop with a giant lump in my throat. I eat most of my meals alone. I go hours without speaking every single day. It is lonely.

I am trying to do the right, responsible things in my life and being made out to be the 'bad' guy as a result. It is unfair and frustrating. It makes me want to give up. 

I am nervous and apprehensive about starting a job for the first time in almost two decades on Monday. I'm so afraid it'll take away too much family time, compound my own loneliness, cause me to not be available for my daughter and make her feel neglected and lonely herself. I'm messing up her future financial aid in a big way. I have so much guilt over working again.

I'm lately feeling such an anger towards my father, and the fact that he has never been there for me. That I've been abused and neglected instead of 'fathered' in any way in my life and how that makes me feel vulnerable and unworthy and empty of something I know I need. I've carried this anger basically my entire life, but for some reason it's been gnawing at me a bit more recently. 

I am struggling to not eat tons of crap to drown out these feelings I'm having. I'm not exercising at all, because depression cripples me, makes me curl up into myself and takes away nearly all of my energy. Just getting through the day exhausts me.

Yeah, this is all depressing and sad and whiny and I really hate that. I hate putting my pathetic-ness on display, even though I leave out 99% of the details. But it is another part of this journey, I suppose, so I am putting it down here, if for no other reason but to look back later and remember why there's a gain this week, assuming there will probably be one. 

It's a bad week, but it'll pass. 

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 133.6
Weight this morning: 131.6
Loss of 2 lbs

I am so pleased with this loss. I didn't have a bad week or anything, it's actually starting to be 'easy' again, but I'm PMS-ing which usually means water weight/bloat so I wasn't sure if the numbers would be kind to me, especially after a big loss last week. But, they were, and I'm happy with it.

I'm sooooo hoping to see the 120's next weigh in, but now's about the time the loses start slowing so I'm just going to keep plugging and take whatever my body gives me. I'm starting to believe I'll make my goal this time, which is motivating me to keep trying. And it's Spring in these parts, which makes my life 1000x easier and 'lighter' feeling, which helps immensely! 


Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Hormonal complaints

Seriously, why can't someone come up with a cure for PMS? Does anyone else think if men got crazy hormonal once a month they'd have come up with something better than Tylenol and chocolate by now? I am sitting here hugging my trusty heating pad, binge watching Netflix and literally alternating between sobbing and eating. Thankfully, I have all my laundry, housework, shopping, etc. under control for the next day or two so I can just sit here and wallow in my hormones. 

But really. A cure would be great.

So far I've managed to not cave into the worst of the cravings, but to be honest I'm not feeling particularly strong about my long term success for the week. ( So far, I've wanted cake, pasta salad, and giant steak sub, and pretty much all of this Easter candy still lying around the house) I am still calculating everything I eat but my days have been closer to the high end of my allowance this week instead of the low end where I like to be. I did do my workouts both Monday and Tuesday so I feel great about that, and I already have yoga pants and a sports bra on under my shirt so that I really have no excuse to skip today, other than this yuck that's upon me and killing my will to do anything other than become one with the furniture.

I am having a hard time even caring about any of it right now because my head is killing me and my cramps are now radiating into my legs. (What is that, anyway? My uterus is up here, cramps!) I can't watch a show without falling apart emotionally and I've been a big ole lump on the sofa for literally hours now. I have more to say but it's so bad that I'm literally losing the will to type...



And I just double checked the spelling of the word 'type' because it looked weird. The hormones have gotten my brain, too.

Hormones are just yuck. That's apparently all I've got today. ;-)


Sunday, April 12, 2015

Sunday morning weigh in

Weight last week: 136.8
Weight this morning: 133.6
Loss of 3.2 pounds

Well, I'm quite happy to see that loss! I hadn't weighed in all week because I was afraid of seeing more gain, and I had no idea what to expect this morning. I was hoping to at least lose what I'd gained back last week, and I did and then some! 

My workouts were abysmal this week, only two of them, but my eating was at or below calories every day except Sunday. Proving once again that while working out certainly helps me, it is what I eat that makes the biggest difference. 

Goals this week: Getting my butt working out again, focusing more on protein again since it appears to have made a difference this week, and upping my water since it could definitely be better. Also, this week will be a PMS nightmare, so resisting cravings will be high up on my list, no doubt. There is still a lot of Easter candy hanging around, maybe I should start throwing some away when no one is looking! ;-)

I am so relieved because honestly I was this close to throwing in the towel and having a giant bowl of pasta salad for lunch. (It is probably fine for most people to indulge in this occasionally, but if I have one bowl today I'll have five more bowls by the end of the week! It's an addiction!)   

Thursday, April 9, 2015

The blah

I haven't updated all week, but I'm still plugging. With my eating, that is. My workouts have been pathetic...only one so far this week and it's already Thursday!

I'm struggling the past few days, to be honest. Bloated, exhausted, depressed...PMS symptoms but its mid-month, so ovulation. I have a much harder time with this time of the month than the few days before my period, and I've no idea why. All I know is, I'm miserable and just feeling so lethargic and blah. So...nothing happening on treadmill. 

Oh, and I currently want to eat anything and everything I can get my hands on! I've been counting everything (except Easter I didn't, mostly because I had cake and I don't know how to calculate that) and I'm still within range every day (but Sunday, obviously) but I feel like I've gained yet again. I feel so big around my stomach, which is probably partially bloat, but still. I'm feeling inclined to give in and eat all the yummies. 

I just put my running shoes we'll see.  

 **Edited to say I did it! I walked two very pathetic and slow miles. But hey, it's something. ;)

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Sunday morning weigh-in

Weight last week: 135
Weight today: 136.8
Gain of 1.8 pounds

I am beyond frustrated by this gain. Yes, I figured last weeks monster loss wouldn't stick because it was mostly due to an almost 4 day fast...BUT I thought I could at least maintain it this week to make an average of less than two pounds a week for the past two weeks. Sigh. It apparently wasn't to be.

I don't know how to adjust at this point. I really am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm eating at or even below 1200 calories a day. I'm working out four days a week. I'm drinking water. I'm getting sleep. I'm not cheating with junk food. And all for what? A gain?? You best believe I'm having a slice of cake today, because dangit depriving myself sure isn't getting it done.

So anyway. Today I'm going to rethink what on earth is happening. I'm probably going to try to shift to more protein and push harder workouts, perhaps even adding in my nemesis: strength training. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm just honestly so bummed right now. 

Friday, April 3, 2015

Yep, still going

Just realized I haven't posted all week! I'm okay, still here and mostly plugging along the way I need to be. Last weekend was a doozy of a bad mental health time, due to a lot of life circumstances completely out of my control, and I'm still struggling beneath the surface to deal with them in a healthier way than starving myself. Life is hard, even more so when you have a severe anxiety disorder that lends itself to depression from time to time. 

At any rate, still counting calories and working out, with the exception of a couple of days I have been so tired I skipped the treadmill. Its a cop-out, I should jump on anyway, but I don't sometimes. (Like right now, for instance! I haven't worked out today and I feel like I could slip into a coma at any moment...zzzzzzz.....)

I am probably going to do a weigh-in on Sunday this week since I did that last week too. Or not. I mean really, right now I'm so tired I don't care either way. It's my diet and I'll weigh when I want to.