Sunday, November 7, 2010

The lifting

I'm breathing again. Thank God, because I was barely breathing for days, and I was truly afraid. Afraid that this would be the time that the darkness wouldn't retreat...that this would be the end of me.

Yet, here I stand. Not yet quite myself, but not so deep in the pit that I can't see the sun. There is light now, and for now it's enough. I have hope now, and I feel God's strength holding me together, most welcome, most needed. I finally cried out to him yesterday morning, after days and days of holding back my prayers. I knew other people were praying for me, some even strangers to me, and I was so unspeakably thankful for that because I couldn't, or wouldn't perhaps, do it for myself.

With the prayer came a slight lifting, and later I forgave someone a grudge I'd been holding, and more lifting came. Today came worship, and the lifting continued. There is now room in me to not only breathe, but take a deep, cleansing breath...and it feels like hope. I actually feel hopeful.

He is good.

Now I'm trying desperately to let go. Of the fear that grips me, of the anger that rises and rages, of the doubts and confusion that plague my relationship with God...of all illusion of control. Over and over, I've tried to let go and I've failed, more times than I can count, but what else can I do? I try again.

Thursday, November 4, 2010


I have spent the last day and a half tucked into bed. Hiding under the blankets. Trying to feel safe, secure, numb, I don't know. Something. I am not sick in my body, and yes, I am definitely sick mentally, but it's more than that. I am sick in my heart. I am sad. Sad to the very deepest core of myself. Alone. More alone than I've felt in a long, long time.

Today I am out of bed, but not because I want to be, it's because I have to be. Tonight we have a volleyball dinner to attend for my daughter and I needed to get up and cook the Hawaiian coconut pudding that we're bringing. (It's a luau theme...quite lame but what can you do?) So now I'm up, out of bed, sitting in my chair, furiously hoping my pudding is forming something that resembles an edible consistency in the fridge right now, and quite frankly barely hanging on.

I just want to go back to bed.

I am my body, my brain, my innermost soul, my very tired. Too tired to even pretend to go through the motions of life. Now what?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I decided to put my Nov. 1st weight at 124, since it was 123.6 on Saturday and 124.2 this morning...kinda in the middle of the two. ;-)

Not worried about being slightly up today, as I am once again moving slowly (since Saturday for goodness sakes!) and I know once it happens I'll be lighter. (Gross, but true)

Not much else to add, except that my favorite sandwich place (Penn Station) is having a sale on their 8 inch Philly subs (only $2.99!) and I'm thinking that I really must have one soon...

Monday, November 1, 2010


Oh for goodness sakes, I just realized I was supposed to weigh-in today for my monthly weigh in! Well, it's too late to get an accurate number for today (I weigh-in before breakfast) so...I can either take Saturday's number, which would be two days early, or do it tomorrow, which would be one day late. What to do?

Welcome November

Well here we are in November already! The past couple of months have just flown by, probably because we have been sooooo busy with school and extracurricular activities. November is looking to be a much slower month, so yay for that!

I did manage to get through Halloween weekend without eating any candy...well, except for a few dark chocolate kisses, but I eat those pretty much everyday. I bought Kit Kat's to pass out and I truly don't care for those, and my daughter decided that she was finally too old to trick or treat this year so we had no candy coming into the house...easy, peasy!

My eating was pretty good calorie wise all weekend, but not due to any great amount of effort on my part...nope, it was because I was in and out of a panic attack all weekend. Not fun. One of my anxiety issues focuses on food and when that flares up I find it extremely difficult to eat. I don't know how to explain it other than I get afraid of 99% of the food around me all of a sudden, and until I can find the one thing that I feel like I can eat, I'm panic filled and stressed out. It isn't fun for me and SO not fun for my family. Ugh. Anyway, I did eat over the weekend, but I don't think I had any protein whatsoever, so that may effect my weight negatively, who knows. I'm not weighing myself today regardless.

Tomorrow is voting day...something I participate in even though, truth be told, I'm not particularly inclined to believe either 'side' is going to do the right thing anymore. I used to be pretty political on my old blog, but after awhile it becomes hard to stand up for politicians when they all end up slimy and corrupt in the end. These days I just try to focus on God being in control no matter what political party is running this country (or state, or city, or whatever) but voting still seems important to me. I hope everyone has researched the various candidates and issues wherever you live and get out to make your opinion known at the polls tomorrow!

Happy November!