Monday, January 31, 2011

Getting over the 'ewwww!'

The big news this week is that we have a monster storm heading our way! I have mixed feelings about it. Usually I am ALL about a good storm, but this one may cause power outages and that freaks me out. We would have no heat and no family in the area to take us in. Plus, yesterday I seriously stocked up the freezer/fridge WAY more than usual...before I knew they were calling for ice mixed in with the snow. I was freaking out last night at the thought of losing all the food we'd just bought, especially since replacing it would be a serious problem, but I'm really trying to leave my worries with God. So far, it is only kinda working. :)

Speaking of my failures as a Christian...

Does your church do the whole 'greet each other and shake hands' thing during service each week? Ours does. Usually, I'm able to squash my germaphobia and be pretty cool with it but yesterday...oh, yesterday.

See, right as service was starting I noticed the man in front of us wiping his nose. A lot. With his bare hand. Then, he kinda blew his nose. Into his bare hand. Then he wiped it's contents into his pocket. Immediately, I wanted to switch seats but it was pretty crowded in there and service had already started by then anyway. I kinda got a cold chill when I realized I'd soon have to shake that snot covered hand. Argh.

When the time finally came to do the hand-shaking, I decided to try and distract hubby and maybe it would make it possible for both of us to avoid the snot-hand. (I know, real Christian of me, huh?) Only, Hubs wasn't in on what I saw or my brilliant right away he turns to shake dude's hand. As does the kiddo. Me? Not so much. I kept my back to him and focused on the people behind me. (Who, for all I know, had far worse hands than the guy in front of me, but what you don't know can't hurt you, right?)

(I honestly did feel bad, you guys. I was thinking to myself afterward that Jesus touched the lepers, for goodness sake, how could I balk at touching a little snot?? I knew that I'd fallen pretty stinking short of following Him on this one!)

Anyway, I broke out the anti-bacterial gel and made sure we all lathered it on. Later in the car, kiddo mentioned that the guy in front of us kept grossing her out all service. I was all, "I know! Did you see him use his hand to blow his nose?!" and she was all, "EWWW! NO! But I saw him use it to pick ear jam out of his ear all stinking service!"

(I'd somehow missed this...must've been too focused on thinking about Jesus and the lepers!)

Needless to say, I broke out the gel again.

For some reason the whole thing has been on my mind off and on since then. It just bugs me how easily I cave in to weaknesses and end up following my flesh instead of following Jesus. I think next week I should deliberately seek this guy out and give him a big, fat hand-shake, and maybe spend a bit more time praying for God to help me better show His love to His people, despite my crazy hang-ups. ;)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Making progress

Since my last post I am doing better. Not perfect, but better. I've worked out FOUR times this week, which lately is unheard of, and I even went for fifteen minutes and half a mile extra yesterday! Woo-hoo! :)

As for my eating, it is back to a more reasonable level once again. Again, not perfect. I did have pizza and cheesy bread Thursday night...but nothing for dessert. Last night I made chicken fajitas and only allowed myself two tortillas, instead of my usual tortilla pig-out! I haven't been eating snacky food really at all, except for air popped popcorn and 100 calorie packs of almonds. My water consumption is a bit better (although apparently not enough, because I'm having trouble *going* again, if you know what I mean. I'm 90% sure I have IBS because I deal with this and the other extreme on a regular basis. Sorry for the TMI!) and I'm feeling relatively well.

Still haven't weighed in. I'm trying to wait until Tuesday, but we'll see. How unfair is it that I'm supposed to be getting my monthly visitor that day??

Perhaps I should change the title of this post to 'Totally TMI' because I keep coming up with grosser and grosser personal info for you lovely people! :)

Anyway, right now as I'm typing this my husband and my kiddo are off buying donuts. I went ahead and made an egg white/green pepper/bacon (just one slice!) sandwich so that I would be strong...but at the last minute I asked Hubby to bring me one glazed donut hole. For a taste. Is that bad? Yeah, I know it is. But it's just the donut hole!! Gimme a break! :)

Well, that's my progress report. It's only a couple of days in the right direction, but its much better than a couple in the wrong direction! One day, one meal at a time, right?

Oh, and I just ate my donut hole. Eh. It wasn't that great at all. Funny how so often that's the case. My egg sandwich was soooo much better. ;-)

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Food confessions

I'm just going to say it: My diet has been completely out of control since at least the first of the year...well...even before that actually. I've not even been trying to eat properly. Brownies, chips, and various other crazy-bad snack foods, not to mention whatever food I felt like eating at any given meal, I'm eating it.


I haven't weighed in since the first week of January. I just really don't want to know how bad it's gotten. I do know that yesterday my jeans were tight and I had a bit of a muffin-top happening, so yeah, I'm up, just not sure how much. Argh. I don't understand how after almost two years, I completely went off the rails. What happened?

Well, it is partially a winter thing, I guess. I hate winter and I am seriously cooped up in here and eating has become a form of entertainment for me. I'm bored, therefore I eat.

Also, I haven't been sleeping well for quite awhile now, and I think being tired all of the time leads to eating a ton of convenience foods that are also high fat/high cal. The insomnia is also interfering with my will to exercise and my metabolism, too, I'm sure.

Excuses aside, I also love to eat. There, I said it. I loved eating those brownies...they are a pleasure that just can't be duplicated in healthy food! I love eating ooey, gooey, cheesy foods. It isn't anything psychological or deep, I just really enjoy them! I hate exercising. Well, most of the time, that is. Sometimes I love it once I get going, but not lately. Lately I am hurting and sluggish and barely making it through!

So, there you have it, yet another confession that I'm not doing well on the weight front. My weigh in is only days away and we'll see what the damage is then. In the meantime, I'm trying to make adjustments. I've worked out twice this week, hopefully today will be number three. I went overboard yesterday at lunch but tweaked my eating the rest of the day to make up for it. Today I had a nice, big breakfast with the hope of it keeping me from snacking later this afternoon.

The good news is that I know what to do to fix this. The bad news is that re-starting and re-motivating is hard. I recognize that it will be a struggle for the rest of my life to maintain a healthy lifestyle, but catching it before it gets too far out of hand is key to preventing a complete backslide, I think. Right now, I'm just going back to my day by day, meal by meal philosophy and hopefully before I know it I'll be back on track!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Many random thoughts

So, I thought I was going to make it through the winter without having problem hands, but just this week they've started flaking up pretty badly...anyone have a really rockin' lotion they recommend?

Remember my germy library book problem? Well, Hubby figured out a way to download an e-book to the laptop and I've been reading the latest Grisham book on it the last couple of days. Verdict on a 'book-less' book experience? It has pros and cons. Pro: I have three weeks to read the book for free, just like any other library book. Pro: I can take the laptop upstairs and read in bed, something I would NEVER do with a library book. Pro: Didn't even need to buy a Nook or a Kindle and the books are free too! Con: I like the feel of holding a book when I read and this is obviously lacking that. Con: Can't focus as much on what I'm reading, it seems. Con: I'm trying to not be on the computer as much, and even though I'm technically not on the internet, I'm still on the computer! This is where I wonder if I'd like a Nook better...I can hold it in my hands and I can be OFF the computer. (For $149, it isn't like I'm running out and buying one though!)

Worked out yesterday...good. Ate many brownies....really, really bad.

My current Bible study is Breaking Free by Beth Moore and it is GOOOOD. I want desperately to slow down and take several days to digest each days work, but can't if I'm going to keep up with the group. I'm already planning to re-do the study at my own pace when the group wraps up. So much great stuff there!

Is anyone watching the Biggest Loser this year? I tried for one episode but honestly, the product placements kill me. If they'd shorten each episode to an hour and cut the blatant product pimping I'd probably watch. The way it is now however, nope. Can't do it. (Although, I should confess that I do the Extra sugar free gum trick that they push on the show...)

So yeah, I'm all over the place today but hey, I posted!

Friday, January 21, 2011

Boring week

Well, here it is Friday already! It has been a big fat dud of a diet/exercise week, once again. Last week it was the kiddo and her cold (and a lot of other excuses that I can't remember right now!) and now this week I'm not feeling so hot. When I'm not feeling hot I tend to remain motionless for long periods of time, only interrupted by fast and furious binges of junk food. Bad combo, to say the least!

(Random change of subject)

So, I have a book from the library that I really want to read, but there's some yuck smeared on the pages about 1/4th of the way through the book. It's bringing out the crazy germ-a-phobe in me. Honestly, I hate having to read library books...I always wonder if the last borrower used it as bathroom reading material...but buying books for me to read on our budget just isn't possible. Hubby's been hinting at one day buying me an e-reader, but I've heard that the books aren't really that much cheaper that way, in some cases even more expensive! So, nasty library books, it is. Ugh.

Well, I'm racking my brain looking for something to talk about, but frankly I haven't left the house since Sunday (except for being a taxi for my daughter) and life within these walls is pretty dull most days. This week has had mostly identical days: do schoolwork in the morning and for most of the afternoon, play some Scattergories, watch Say yes to the Dress, argue a bit (we are getting cabin fever, I think, because we are both a tad grumpy these days!), eat food we shouldn't be, play some more Scattergories, and head to bed! Not a whole lot of bloggy material happening. ;-)

So, I guess I'm off to play some Scattergories! Hope you all have a wonderful, warm, and family-filled weekend! :)

Monday, January 17, 2011

Sanctity of Human Life story

Today I'm going to take a HUGE step away from my normal blog material and go super-deep into the personal...because I feel it is important for someone to hear what I'm about to say. It is one of the most private stories of my life, but I'm starting to realize that if I keep it to myself for the sake of privacy, I potentially strip that chapter of my life of any redeeming value. The story must be told so that God can use my mistakes to set someone else free, to guide someone else to a better decision than the one I made over 20 years ago. I had an abortion. This is my story.

I had just turned 18. I was a senior in high school and had been dating the same boy for a year and a half before I became pregnant. Finding out I was pregnant was in one way beyond terrifying -- but I also remember feeling oddly disconnected from the whole thing. I don't even remember discussing what our plans were with my boyfriend, but we must have at some point. Honestly, so much of this time of my life is blocked from my memory or is just a blur. What few real memories I do have I will share:

I do remember being extremely hormonal. We went on our senior class trip to Washington DC and there was one night in the hotel when I was yelling and losing it over something, I have no idea what. I distinctly remember my boyfriends best friend calling me psycho, and I remember feeling like I was drowning with that statement...I truly felt psycho but I couldn't stop freaking out. Everything was out of control and I felt like no one cared, no one noticed.

I remember going to the prom, and I remember my boyfriend and I fought at the after party. I think because he went swimming but I couldn't because everyone would see my stomach was showing. I remember sitting in a stairwell, in the dark, thinking how alone I was and how unfair it was that the girl bears the brunt of a pregnancy. I remember crying and crying and crying, there in that dark stairwell, thinking I'd never be able to stop crying and wondering how I was going to survive it all.

Soon after prom my boyfriend took me to Pizza Hut for a date one night, and then afterward, while sitting in his driveway in the car, he very coldly dumped me. While I was still pregnant with his child, practically a child myself. Need I even describe the scene? I completely freaked. I'm not sure there are words, really. Devastation. I remember thinking how easily he was suddenly free...yet I wasn't. I never really would be free.

The last 2-3 weeks of high school were nothing short of torturous. I cried all the time, even while sitting in class. Making matters worse, he was in almost all of my classes, yet even while I was carrying part of him inside of me, I was suddenly treated like a stranger by him. He'd even immediately started dating a girl from a different school...very pretty, fun, carefree, thin, and most certainly NOT pregnant. Again, I was so alone. To this day, I don't know how I got through those weeks, finals, ect.

Graduation. I remember feeling so sad, so heavy with loneliness and despair. I can't look at pictures of that day without being struck by the fact that I was actually carrying a baby at the time and also carrying a burden on my shoulders like I'd never known in my short life. I am amazed that I survived it. My memories of that day are literally dim, like the auditorium lights were turned down too low, the darkness that consumed me was that overpowering.

It wasn't until a week after graduation that I finally found the nerve to call and make an appointment for the abortion. I remember that I did it from a friends house, since it was a long distance call and I didn't want my mom to see it on the bill and then know I was pregnant. I let the ex-boyfriend know the date (he'd be driving me) and the cost (he'd split it with me...I used my graduation money to pay my half, a thought that oddly stands out to me and breaks my heart) and then, finally, the day came. I believe it was June 22, 1990.

I drove early that morning to pick up the ex. I knocked and knocked on his door...turns out he wasn't even awake. Ugh. Honestly, I have the hardest time forgiving that, of all things. He didn't even care enough to wake up on time. We drove to the appointment at a clinic about an hour from our hometown. There were protesters outside the building carrying signs...and that was beyond devastating to me. Instead of changing my mind in any way, they only made me feel more condemned, more small, more alone. The protesters screamed at me as I made my way inside. I just wanted to die.

There are parts of the day that are strongly ingrained into my brain in a way I can't explain. The waiting room was sadly very full. The nurse being so nice, holding my hand and listening to me cry and babble the whole time I lay on the table. The doctor, who was simply awful. He honestly couldn't have been worse if he'd tried. Literally half way through the 'procedure' he stopped everything to make sure I'd paid the higher tier fee. (You see, I was pretty far along and no one had realized how far until that point...apparently there was a higher fee the further along in your pregnancy you are. I'd already paid the higher fee but it wasn't until after he confirmed that fact that he continued.) That part of the day still makes my blood run cold. There are no words to describe that moment. Realizing I was that far along, but knowing it was far too late to stop. And this man, this so called doctor, was only worried I hadn't paid enough money. It takes my breath away.

At one point as I was lying there, it occurred to me that my baby was a boy. Perhaps someone in the room mentioned it, I honestly don't remember. But I was sure of it, all of a sudden. I still believe it to this day.

I distinctly remember the terrible, awful sounds. The intense pain. The absolute terror I felt. I remember these things as vividly as if I'd filmed them. Please, please know that it is NOT a gentle process. It is violent and loud and soul-crushing. It is every bit as awful as you think it is, and then much more.

It seemed like it took a very long time. Time stood still. And then suddenly it was over.

Afterward, I lay in a recliner in what they called a recovery room. What a joke, the word recovery. As if 30 minutes of rest in that chair was going to bring me back to normal after having my own child violently ripped from my womb. I remember feeling quite empty, both physically and emotionally. I recall that the girl lying next to me told me it was her third. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had put herself through this again and again and again. I remember it seemed like my brain was shouting: Just get me out of here. I. Must. Get. Away.

Finally they let me leave. I remember wondering if I would be able to walk. I even remember walking through the parking lot to leave. It felt like I was watching myself, kind of an out of body experience. Something inside of me was broken. The feeling scared me.

Driving home, there was silence in the car, except for my cries. I was looking out the window, sobbing uncontrollably. I literally cried the whole hour home. He had nothing to say.

My life that summer was a horrible jumble of emotions...until one day there were none at all. Believe it or not, I actually had two other major life traumas happening that summer on top of the abortion (perhaps another was truly a bad summer) and I think I just became numb to all of it out of necessity. It was either that or completely lose my mind. Thoughts of my child and the abortion were pushed completely from my brain. For awhile, that is.

A couple of years later, there was a song called 'Tears of Heaven' on the radio. The very first time I heard it, it brought thoughts of that child back to me, and completely I lost it. I'd cry each and every time that stupid song came on the radio...and it was pretty often, let me tell you. This was perhaps the first time my numbness began to crack and I began to truly grieve. (To this day, I have to turn off the radio if that song comes on or I begin to cry.) I had finally started to work through the whole ordeal...but then it became too hard and I started drinking heavily and doing drugs for the next couple of years. Avoidance reared it's ugly head once again. There's a lot I could tell you from these years, but I'll just skip ahead to the healing.

Thankfully, I found God in 1996 and He helped me start to truly recover. He has forgiven me and convinced me that there IS no sin big enough to separate me from His love. That is so huge, you guys! NO SIN is too big. Am I completely set free from the effects of my abortion? Truthfully, no. Not yet. But I have hope that with God's help, there will be a day when I can answer yes to that question.

To anyone who reads this who is pregnant and is thinking of having an abortion: Listen to someone who knows. Abortion isn't the easy out they preach it to be. It is not going to solve a problem or fix your life. It is ugly, soul shattering, and unbelievably hard, and in the end it just replaces what you see to be one problem with a lifetime of other problems. Self hatred. Loathing. Shame. Fear. Loneliness. Terror. Grief. Regret as deep as you'll ever know. It isn't fixing anything, it's messing something inside of you up in a way that you'll not understand for quite some time. Please, do something for me. Put your hand on your heart for a minute and feel your heartbeat. Seriously. Do you feel it? Now, PLEASE, take a minute to consider that your baby (and it is a baby, make no mistake) also feels your heartbeat right now, this minute. He is being comforted by it...already being nurtured by you! No one else in your life is as close to you as that child is right now. That is a gift, a treasure, a blessing. Please, don't throw it away. Abortion is NOT the easy road, on the contrary, it is exceedingly hard.

To those who have already had an abortion and are struggling: Nothing or no one will truly heal you but God. Truly, self-inflicted pain and loss may be the hardest to overcome, because the hate and anger you feel is all internalized. There is no one else to lash out against...and the guilt and shame are overwhelming. BUT. God's love truly covers all. He wants to be the one to comfort you, to fill the hole that seems likely to swallow you, to hold you when you feel like no one else will. He doesn't hate you and His forgiveness is unconditional. Please, even the simplest of prayers can connect you to the God of great forgiveness and love. Just give Him a chance, that is all I ask.

Now, to the rest of you...I ask that you not only focus on the babies who are being aborted, but on the mothers as well. Perhaps some of them do go into it casually and come out the other end unscathed, but for the most part these ladies are the walking wounded, casualties of their own decisions, perhaps decisions they already wished they could take back before they even get off of that table. Don't hate them, judge them, or shame them...just love them. Minister to them the love of God, truly the only thing that will heal them. Give them a shoulder to cry on or just be an ear to listen. Above all, remember that these women are not the enemy. The enemy we are to fight is far, far worse. 'For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.' The real fight isn't won using protest signs and shouts of condemnation outside of an abortion clinic, the real fight is won with many prayers and supplications while we are down on our knees.

I know that this post was long and probably a bit disturbing, but I pray that someone will be changed by my story, perhaps someone will choose life for their child, or if it's too late for that, reach out and find forgiveness and new life with God. At any rate, let's all pray this week against the real enemy of life, the devil and the evil forces in this world who are working in ways we can not see and can only imagine. God is stronger...but we must pray.

This post has taken me literally over four hours to write. I am petrified to hit post and I don't even know for sure if I'll be brave enough to leave it up once I do...but if you are reading this, I do hope it has accomplished it's purpose.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Worked out again....and some deep thoughts ;-)

Three days in a row!! I am so tickled to be back into that working out mindset again. Honestly, it is ALL a battle of the mind, isn't it? I'm finding most things in life are, actually, and those are the hardest battles for me to fight...but I'm still pressing on.

Eating is still pretty much hit or miss. I'm not beating myself up about it (well, mostly) because I know it's just a matter of re-focusing and re-stocking the house with GOOD stuff again. We've gotten into a really bad habit of keeping junk food in the house again...and that HAS to stop. If it's here, I'll eat it, end of story. I don't agree with some of the bloggers I read who keep their pantry stocked with junk food 'for the kids' and then vow to themselves they won't touch it.

Number one, your kids don't need that junk food any more than you do. Occasionally, sure. I don't believe in calling anything completely off limits, but keeping cookies, chips, ice cream, ect. constantly in the house is not good for anyone, much less kids who are forming life long habits now. Oh, and number two? You will eventually cave and eat it. You and I both know that it's going to happen. Stop living in denial already! :)

Switching subjects:

I've watched a couple of episodes of Intervention today and I have some thoughts. First, there was an episode where they did an intervention for two sisters with anorexia and I started thinking about why it is that it's acceptable to step in and tell people they're too thin...but not when they are getting too fat. It is not 'PC' to do that, right? But honestly, isn't it just as unhealthy to be overweight than it is to be underweight, if not more so?

Second, I am far too judgmental! Wow, I am so quick to want to yell at the people to just quit drinking and/or doing drugs already...but in my own life I want everyone to cut me some slack. Hmmm. Wanting others to change is easy, but actually changing myself? So hard.

At any rate, I'm trying to change ME right now, because really? I'm the only thing in this world I can why not at least try?

Have a great weekend!

Friday, January 14, 2011


So, I did a workout yesterday, finally, and I feel better already! I'm all dressed in my workout clothes for today so I have high hopes for two days in a row, although I haven't decided yet if I'll workout before lunch or in the late afternoon. Most likely late afternoon, since it helps me resist the snack attack that usually plagues me around that time everyday!

Hopefully I am still functional by then, though. I didn't get much sleep last night, courtesy of a 2am panic attack. Ugh. How I wish I could change this part of my life! I woke up to use the restroom (I usually do this multiple times each night...aging is just not convenient in so many ways!) and noticed a light on in my daughter's room. Turns out she was having stomach pains...which totally brings out the phobic side of me. (I have a strong phobia when it comes to vomit-related events, in case you aren't in the know of that lovely character perk that I struggle with constantly.)

Anyway, just a mere mention of stomach-aches, especially in the middle of the night, which for me is the most vulnerable time for the anxiety, puts me right over the edge. So...last night I am in bed, freaking out, literally shaking, for hours. Actually the shaking only lasted probably the first hour or two, but the panic lasts for much longer. After watching a few episodes of House and CSI on the tivo (how I try and distract myself) I finally got back to sleep around sunrise, and then slept till 9:30, not enough time to feel rested, that's for sure!

Of course, the kiddo is just fine, which I am so thankful for, but I hate that something so small and common can put me right over the edge like that. I am so over this mental issue thing.

My laptop is officially dead now, which stinks. Right now I'm using my daughter's computer...thankful we have a spare! Hubby is going to try to operate on my computer this weekend...keeping my fingers crossed. He is usually pretty good at do-it-yourself stuff, but occasionally, well, he isn't. So we'll see. ;)

I'm hoping to get some school work accomplished today, so I'd better move along! Hope everyone has a great weekend!

**Updated to add: I just finished my second workout in a row! I'm on a roll, people...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Trying to come up with something to talk about over here!

I want to be a better blogger. I really do! I am trying to post more often in 2011...but honestly, I so rarely leave the house anymore, so what's there to talk about?

Hmmmm. Well, the following things are on my mind right now:
*The dishes are done, so there's that.
*The laundry is down to one load the washer and one in the dryer...but they've been hanging out there since yesterday. Oops. Really bad habit of mine, leaving it for the next day and then 'forgetting' it long enough to require a re-washing!
*The kitchen table is full of school stuff. Sometimes it stays that way till Friday afternoon, but most days we clean it off at the end of each day. This week, it's staying messy. I'm just giving in to the lazy.
*The kiddo is feeling a bit better.
*The dog needs a bath.
*I still haven't worked out this year. I am in dire need of a box of hair color and some new moisturizer. And a haircut. I am basically a hot mess right now.

Riveting, no?

So, speaking of the kiddo...she literally slept till noon today. I gave her Nyquil before bed around 9:30, and we didn't hear a peep from her until noon. It went on for so long that I honestly got a bit freaked out, thinking maybe the Nyquil put her in a coma or worse. I actually texted my husband in tears at 11:30. (Yes, I overreacted. That is what I do...I overreact.)

Anyway, she lives and she even has her appetite back, so yay! She still has a terrible cough/headache/stuffy nose thing going on, but she is back to laughing and joking so I can relax a bit. I'm still not pushing schoolwork very much, so next week is going to be a bear, trying to catch up!

As for me, I am currently in my workout clothes, shoes and all. The plan is to get on the treadmill at 4:30, which is coming quicker than I'm ready for! I am bound and determined to at least WALK for 30 minutes today! Doggone it, it is just so hard to get back into a habit of working out again, but I so need to do it. I was looking at some old pics of when I was working out everyday and dieting...I was 15 pounds heavier in the pics but I looked much thinner because I was so toned. That is just wrong. SO, time to get serious about this thing!

Okay, so I'm out of stuff to talk about today. Going to go get on the treadmill (oh yes, I will!) and then hop in the shower, finish that pesky laundry before I have to re-wash it, and then make some yummy chicken stir-fry for dinner! Hope you are all having great days out there!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It's a sick day around here

Starting off with a random observation: It makes me sad that there are so many moms both on their blogs and on facebook the past few days bemoaning the fact that they are stuck at home when their kids due to a school snow day. I don't get it. I love, love, love spending time with my daughter! Yes, it was a bit tedious back in the days of playing Barbies and watching Dora, but still. To dread a day with your own child is a thought very foreign to me.

On that note, my daughter isn't feeling well at all today, sick with a cold/flu thing. I hate these days! We didn't even attempt to do any school work, and my house work has sadly suffered today as well. Truthfully there's no good reason that I can't go do a load of laundry, but I'm trying to keep the house as still and quiet as I can so that she can rest.

(That's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Well, I'm off to ignore more chores, attend to my child, and generally be lazy today...

Monday, January 10, 2011

2011...only ten days late

Still breathing. The holidays are always very, very hard for me mentally, and this year was among the worst I've ever experienced. Truthfully, the anxiety and stress kinda took the wind out of my sails...thus the blog silence. (Also, I am having major laptop malfunctions and that is not helping!)

I am thankfully not struggling as much right now, actually since Jan 2nd I've been doing better, but I must confess that my diet/exercising is still DREADFUL. Seriously. No exercise at all yet this year, and I've been eating junk nonstop. My first of the year weigh-in was 122, but if I'm completely honest...that was after skipping dinner on New Years Eve due to a major panic attack. I am currently up two pounds from that number. Most deservedly, I must say.

As for my other goals, they are actually in better shape. I've been doing myself up (dressing nicely, makeup and hair done) on most days, I'm studying the Bible again...both nightly with my husband and in a new ladies Bible study at church, I've been staying off the computer more, and I'm maintaining a sense of peace in my relationships. All in all, not too shabby considering how close to a nervous breakdown I was ten days ago! :)

So, did I make any resolutions this year? I didn't really, but I suppose when you get right down to it I do have a few. I'm still trying to drop 5-10 more pounds and tone up. I'm still trying to make sure I'm looking nice and acting nice each day. I'm still seeking God and His will in my life. I'm forever attempting to be a better wife and mother. I'm hoping that 2011 brings me the peace and joy that I'm forever striving to find.

I guess you could say that I'm resolving to be a better person as the year that enough of a resolution for you? :)

I'd love to hear your resolutions, if you have any!