Monday, September 29, 2014

Week Two

The weekend was both good and bad, diet wise. The good is that I stayed within my calorie and fat range both days...the bad is that both days contained pizza. ;-)

I'm honestly not going to sweat it at all, though. I did the same thing last time, eating whatever I want -- as long as I stay within the calorie/fat range Sparkpeople sets up for me, that is. I feel like I'm less 'deprived' feeling and it feels like less of a diet and more of a portion restriction program. As I track my eating online, I soon realize I can eat more food if I choose smarter things and every decision becomes a trade-off. I treat it like I have $1200 in the bank and it's up to me how much I can buy with that money everyday. Pizza is expensive, but I can afford it if I budget properly. 

I am well aware it may be a slower process when I approach it like this. If I was only eating plain chicken breasts and broccoli all day long I'd most likely get where I want to go much quicker, however I doubt I could keep that up for long! I'm going for the long term here. Last time it took a full six months to get to goal, so I know this isn't going to be a quick couple of weeks till goal. We're talking MONTHS, not weeks, so I'm trying to be realistic here. 

I only did one workout over the weekend, but right now I'm focusing more on my food intake so I'm not sweating it. (HA! See what I did right there?!) I probably did about seven miles total last week, which is okay but not what I used to do, by any means. Part of this is me easing into it, part of it is me being wimpy, and part of it is slightly strategic. See, when I workout hardcore I tend to get famished, and then I am constantly hungry, which in turn makes calorie counting seem downright torturous. Right now I only want to workout enough to get a quick metabolism boost but not make my appetite jump up, and after awhile I'll start to kick up the intensity and frequency of working out. 

That's the plan, anyway. ;-)

So I am officially on week two now. This week will hopefully mirror last week in both diet and exercise (and pounds lost) but I'm going to take it one day at a time. It is also PMS week and I'm feeling a great deal of stress on behalf of my poor, stressed out teenager right now, so I'm perhaps taking it one hour at a time right now! :)

Sunday, September 28, 2014


So apparently I'm not getting notification of new comments,  because I just noticed there were several stuck in moderation. Ooops. My bad! :)

Honestly, I assumed I was talking to myself over here, but there are a couple of you die-hard awesome lovelies hanging out after all! So anyway, I guess I'll check every once in awhile...sorry about that! 

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Weigh in

Weight last week: 144
Weight today: 141
Loss of 3 pounds

I finally, FINALLY, stuck to it for five days in a row! And the results of that was a three pound weight loss for the week, so it was well worth it. Woo Hoo! Now if I can just do this for the next 8 to 10 weeks, I'll be where I feel most comfortable again. It seems daunting, to be honest, but I'm just going to try and focus on one day at a time for now.

Friday, September 19, 2014

Failing. Still.

Since I posted last night, barely over 12 hours ago, I have failed HARD and OFTEN. I skipped dinner due to the pre-dinner binge, but then ten thirty rolled around and I was feeling kinda off so I grabbed a giant bag of m&m's (that I always keep in the house, more about this in a minute) and went to town on it. Sigh. 

Then this morning I woke feeling weak and fatigued (this whole week has been horrible with fatigue, weakness, and heart palpitations) so I grabbed a bowl of cereal right away. An hour later, I still felt gross and my husband called to see if I wanted him to bring me anything for breakfast on his way home from dropping our daughter at school. And even though I'd already had breakfast, I asked for a BK Croissan'wich AND a few TimBits (donut holes) from Tim Hortons. So I had not one, not two, but THREE breakfasts this morning. 

So wow. It's 11 am and I've already messed up today. Heck, it's only about 15 hours since I vowed here to do better and I've failed three times already since then. 

Honestly so much of it is how I feel physically. I tend to eat to feel better, to get energy, to get through the day essentially. Yes, I probably do need to go see the doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of ovulation this week and perimenopause. I would no doubt end up refusing to do hormone treatments, so going to the doctor is kinda a waste of time and precious energy, not to mention a source of unneeded anxiety.

And speaking of anxiety, that's what the m&m's are for. Oddly they serve as my anxiety medication. No idea why, but half of the time they help. (Why can't apples do this?) I have anxiety daily, some days unbearably anxious and filled with panic attacks, so sadly I'm turning to m&m's often. How stupid and weak. Obviously it's the placebo effect in action, but when I'm desperate and feeling like I want to die, I cave. It's a weird, unhealthy, coping mechanism.

So in the interest of complete honesty I am here, confessing, and hopefully the public shaming will eventually course correct my eating/exercise habits. I know it's pathetic, look away by all means, but I am determined to keep trying, however lame those tries may be. 

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Weight gain, still

So I am up twenty pounds now, weighing in this morning at 144. Ugh. I am just so frustrated at my lack of discipline and overeating! Just ten minutes ago, I ate a crapload of tortilla chips with guacamole and a pack of mini-oreos. An hour before dinner. What the heck?

I am just giving in time and time again. Eating out of boredom, eating to try and get energy, eating out of genuine hunger but choosing the wrong food, mindless snacking in front of the tv or computer. Just day after day, eating crap and too much of it. I know exactly how to stop the madness, but I don't, I allow it to continue even sometimes feeling oddly spiteful to myself as I'm doing it. It makes no sense. 

So I'm here to try and get a bit of focus, maybe some accountability, or perhaps just to vent...I don't know. But here I am, and hopefully its the beginning of turning this downslide around. My goal is to lose twenty pounds by the new year...but truthfully even ten by then would be great.

Specific ways to make it happen are the same as always: First, workout everyday, for at least a mile and a half. That is approximately 25 minutes worth of movement so there aren't any excuses. This should only be my starting point, but I guess I have to start somewhere. Second, eat less and better! Keep junk out of the house at all costs because if it is here, I will eat it. Watch portions. Edit creatively, leaving off the bad condiments and extra breads, etc.

Lastly, kicking up my water intake. Although I've seen studies that it isn't as important for weight loss as they once thought, constantly drinking it tends to remind me throughout the day that I'm pushing towards something, I'm actively pursuing something, I'm flushing out the bad and getting healthy. 

And yes, this is all a repeat of several attempts to get back into the game over the past two years. I'm aware of how ridiculous I am for coming here yet again and saying the same crap only to inevitably fail soon after. But whatever. Its a start...I hope.