I am having one of those weeks that has been one big, fat FAIL. In every way imaginable, I have just completely sucked this week. I have been a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad dieter, a bad neighbor, a bad person. I have yelled at those who didn't deserve it, I have been a bad example, I've been self-indulgent, I have been ugly and weak, and most of all...I've been a failure.
I have all-out binged like three times....and I'm not even a binge type person. One night, on purpose, by myself, I went to the store just to buy junk food, with the sole intention of eating it all that night, simply because it had been a bad day. Earlier today I ate really high fat, high calorie food that I didn't even particularly care for, just to eat it. To feed the pain. Complete comfort food. Trying to self-medicate instead of using any measure of self-discipline.
Truth is, I've stopped even trying.
I have not exercised in 10 days. Not even a little. I'm completely slacking and deep down inside I know that I'm self-sabotaging. I feel ugly so I treat myself ugly. I don't 'deserve' to be thin and fit. I don't even feel like I deserve to be healthy.
I am struggling.
Confession is good for the soul, or so they say. So here is my confession: I hate myself. In fact, I am so full of self-hate today that I am feeling it deep down in my core, to the point of almost physical pain. It isn't because of the diet/exercise fail, it is what leads to the diet/exercise fail. What should be easy is hard. What should be hard is unbearable. Everything feels big and I feel small. I wonder how those around me can stand me...even I would love to escape from me.
This thinking, this feeling, is how I got fat in the first place.
To find a way to live with such a feeling of self-loathing requires a systematic emotional numbing of myself. If I move too much -- getting out of the house, exercising, socializing, having fun -- I start to feel too alive, too aware of the yuck, so I don't do anything other than what is absolutely necessary. To eat right requires too much clear-headed thinking and my mind won't focus...so we order pizza. Sugar and salt numb my brain, so bring it on in large quantities. The computer or a good book can be wonderful escapes...so I sit in my comfy chair and surf the web or lose myself in a book for hours.
Oh, and let us not forget that self-loathing has a friend, and it's name is self-destructiveness.
Self destructiveness is one of the hardest patterns to break free from, let me tell you. It is deceptive, it hides, and it disguises itself as self-appreciation or even self-love. For example...what feels, at the time, like a reward (a bag of chips, skipping a workout, ect) for getting through a bad day is actually, subconsciously, a self administered punishment for the 'sins' I've committed to create said bad day. I've been (perhaps unknowingly? Perhaps not?) trying to take away what I've accomplished because deep down inside I feel that I don't deserve anything good in my life. Ugly deserves ugly. Pain just brings more pain. Punishment is deserved.
Does this even make any sense?
Honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is what was on my mind today. I am truly sorry for the rambling, ridiculous post. I'm just trying to figure a few things out, obviously! I'm a mess, therefore my diet/exercise plan is a mess...and I just wanted to come clean and perhaps start to get to the root of the problem. I'm afraid it goes deep.