Thursday, May 13, 2010

Psycho-babble jibberish

I am having one of those weeks that has been one big, fat FAIL. In every way imaginable, I have just completely sucked this week. I have been a bad wife, a bad mom, a bad dieter, a bad neighbor, a bad person. I have yelled at those who didn't deserve it, I have been a bad example, I've been self-indulgent, I have been ugly and weak, and most of all...I've been a failure.

I have all-out binged like three times....and I'm not even a binge type person. One night, on purpose, by myself, I went to the store just to buy junk food, with the sole intention of eating it all that night, simply because it had been a bad day. Earlier today I ate really high fat, high calorie food that I didn't even particularly care for, just to eat it. To feed the pain. Complete comfort food. Trying to self-medicate instead of using any measure of self-discipline.

Truth is, I've stopped even trying.

I have not exercised in 10 days. Not even a little. I'm completely slacking and deep down inside I know that I'm self-sabotaging. I feel ugly so I treat myself ugly. I don't 'deserve' to be thin and fit. I don't even feel like I deserve to be healthy.

I am struggling.

Confession is good for the soul, or so they say. So here is my confession: I hate myself. In fact, I am so full of self-hate today that I am feeling it deep down in my core, to the point of almost physical pain. It isn't because of the diet/exercise fail, it is what leads to the diet/exercise fail. What should be easy is hard. What should be hard is unbearable. Everything feels big and I feel small. I wonder how those around me can stand me...even I would love to escape from me.

This thinking, this feeling, is how I got fat in the first place.

To find a way to live with such a feeling of self-loathing requires a systematic emotional numbing of myself. If I move too much -- getting out of the house, exercising, socializing, having fun -- I start to feel too alive, too aware of the yuck, so I don't do anything other than what is absolutely necessary. To eat right requires too much clear-headed thinking and my mind won't we order pizza. Sugar and salt numb my brain, so bring it on in large quantities. The computer or a good book can be wonderful I sit in my comfy chair and surf the web or lose myself in a book for hours.


Oh, and let us not forget that self-loathing has a friend, and it's name is self-destructiveness.

Self destructiveness is one of the hardest patterns to break free from, let me tell you. It is deceptive, it hides, and it disguises itself as self-appreciation or even self-love. For example...what feels, at the time, like a reward (a bag of chips, skipping a workout, ect) for getting through a bad day is actually, subconsciously, a self administered punishment for the 'sins' I've committed to create said bad day. I've been (perhaps unknowingly? Perhaps not?) trying to take away what I've accomplished because deep
down inside I feel that I don't deserve anything good in my life. Ugly deserves ugly. Pain just brings more pain. Punishment is deserved.

Does this even make any sense?

Honestly, this is just the tip of the iceberg, but it is what was on my mind today. I am truly sorry for the rambling, ridiculous post. I'm just trying to figure a few things out, obviously! I'm a mess, therefore my diet/exercise plan is a mess...and I just wanted to come clean and perhaps start to get to the root of the problem. I'm afraid it goes deep.


  1. ((((Missy))))

    First of all, you're aware that you didn't even like the junk food. I relate in a way -- I am in the season of understanding that sometimes having seconds, or having dessert when the dinner has already made me full, is not actually pleasant, and the seconds are rarely as good as the firsts. So far I haven't made much progress in using this information to stop the silliness, but am trying to remember that awareness, especially connecting to what my body is saying, is important.

    I also relate to the feeling ugly --> acting ugly thing.

    Satan, go away. Jesus, tell her she's beautiful to you, and that that's true beauty.

  2. Hugs, Hugs, and more Hugs! You are right about getting to the root of the problem. I would say that 99% of us with a weight problem (especially those of us that binge) deal with self-loathing. It's why we hate ourself so much is the key to undoing our destructive patterns. But you already know that. It took me a long time to figure out why I self-loath and find the path to correct it. In fact I just started my journey. I'll email you to share my story if you want. I'm not ready to post it for all to see. =)

    Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart;And those who are crushed in spirit he saves. -Psalm 34:18

  3. Oh, Missy, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I don't really have any words of wisdom but I can pray for you. :)

    Love you!!

  4. Missy, I'm behind on blogs again...I hope you are feeling better by now. Instead of being a failure, it appears to me as if you are HUMAN. We all have these kinds of feelings. I hope you're able to figure out a proactive solution.

    Sometimes it just is hard. You are so beautiful, and I won't forget how kind you were to me! I think you're being too hard on yourself.
    You're in my thoughts and prayers. Please give an update so I know you're okay.