Friday, March 22, 2013


Okay people, here's one of my changes of heart to start the ball rolling, so to speak:

I officially have zero problems with gay people.

Now, I could write page upon page about the 'why' behind that statement (and quite frankly I HAVE written those pages but never published them) but there it is. The only explanation I'll give right now is that:
  1. MY particular daily sin (fear/anxiety) is addressed many more times in the Bible than homosexuality is addressed.
  2. I, myself, am seemingly powerless to change, even though it is my deepest hearts desire.
  3. I did not choose this and I do not continue to choose it daily.

Look, I've prayed thousands of times for God to change me, or help me to change myself, all in vain. I've begged, I've fasted, I've literally lay on the floor face down and wept before God. I've been prayed for by pastors, by evangelists, had the elders lay hands on me, been anointed with oil, done numerous Bible studies and read dozens of books on the name it. I am a person who spent years trying desperately to be set free of my sin. Yet, here I am, 41 years old and worse than ever, trying to simply get through each day and some days barely making it.

I know the horror of desperately NEEDING God to help you and then being met by only silence. It is an incredibly hopeless feeling, when God is your only hope but He doesn't come through for you. The things I've done that I mentioned above, these are what many gay Christians have gone through trying to be normal and free from how they feel (I've read many blogs and articles on this subject) and they've then been met by the same horrible silence from God. Oh, only they get a bonus to go along with that: complete judgement and rejection from the body of Christ. They get to be told they are going to burn in hell, for something they have not been able to conquer no matter how hard they've tried.

Just. Like. Me.

Also, I've come to fully believe that they are NOT choosing to be gay. In fact, many of them are actually killing themselves to escape it, a feeling I happen to completely and totally understand. And make no mistake, I am also fully aware of what the Bible says concerning the matter. This is just one reason out of a thousand that I am struggling to embrace the Bible lately. Or maybe it is just the church's interpretation and/or application of the Bible, I don't know.

And there you have it. I am not trying to convince you to feel the same, and I'm not asking to be talked out of it. After years of wrestling with God and myself over this matter I think I've finally come to as close to a peaceful resolution as I can within myself. Yes, I absolutely could be 100% wrong and I could be grieving God and I could be making a horrible judgement call...I know all of that. But something inside of me needed me to do this, to accept this, to maybe even embrace this. I don't know what else to say.


  1. Have you seen this:

    Or this:

  2. Also? I am not convinced that fear and anxiety is sin. Fear and doubt are not on the list of the seven deadlies. Yeah, the Bible says "do not fear" and "worry about nothing," but it doesn't include fear and worry in any lists of sins. The "do not fear" and "worry about nothing" things are invitations, not condemnations. They are efforts to assure us that God is good and can be trusted.

    Check out my priest's sermons on the seven deadly sins -- they come from a completely different perspective, affirming, hopeful, nuanced.

  3. Marcy,
    I think one of your comments just got sucked in to the blogger vortex...I approved it but it just isn't showing up for some reason. My apologies!

    And yes, I love Rachel Held Evans and her blog. It has been very helpful to me during this time, and I loved her book about Monkey Town.

    I think there may be a denominational gap in how we've been taught about sin...we never focused on the seven deadly sins in particular, just used the entire Bible as a 'do-or-not-do' type of guide. So 'fear not' turns into fear being a sin, so to speak.

  4. Still not judging you...

  5. The seven deadlies are new to me -- have only been Episcopalian for a few months. But the more I think about it, the more I think fear can't be a sin. It's not in the ten commandments either, or in any of the OT or NT lists of sins.

    I think the lost comment may have been a duplicate. I don't see anything missing, anyway.

  6. Missy,
    Your fear/anxiety is due to a chemical imbalance in your brain.
    It is not a sin.
    It is a medical condition.
    Love you.

    P.S. Still not judging you;)

  7. I have a book (now packed away somewhere... gotta find it), about loving people who are gay. If I'm remembering correctly, it's this one (Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would):
    I want to dig it out of the attic and reread it. I remember it as being very helpful in explaining homosexuality from a loving, Christian perspective.