Well, I decided to go to church yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. BIG mistake. I just ended up having this running dialog in my head, countering some of what is being preached and remembering Bible verses that countered others he mentioned, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't turn it off.
The biggest question here for me is: Should I even be trying to turn it off?
Here's the thing. One of the lessons I've been taught as a Christian is to silence doubt. Not to question anything in the Bible. That the questions in my head are no doubt put there by the devil, so to entertain them is wrong. Just go to the Bible for 'truth' and replace all doubt with faith.
Only...that isn't sitting right with me anymore. (Did it ever? I don't know.) What I do know is that constantly shutting down my own thoughts and feelings has become what feels like self-brainwashing. Constantly going against what FEELS right for what I'm TOLD is right feels wrong. I feel like I'm having to choose between being true to myself or being true to God, and I know I'm supposed to choose Him, but why does that feel so wrong?
So anyway, about halfway through the sermon he hit a note that was just one too far for me to handle so I went out to the car and proceeded to have a chat with God. Not that I got any answers, mind you. I never do. Then I tried not to make a big deal out of it to my family, but of course eventually I ended up making comments to both of them separately, and they both got mad at me. Sigh.
I just don't want my daughter to be PROGRAMMED. I want her to CHOOSE this, if it's what she wants, but also to be fully informed. I also want her to be strong enough to question what she's taught, to weigh it within herself, to not just regurgitate what she hears from other people. To not only HAVE a belief, but to be able to articulate why she believes it, and able to defend it with more than just 'that's what I was taught' or whatever. Not to swallow every word that is ever served to her, but to examine both herself and the word and decide what she finds palatable.
But. To say these things to her sounds like I'm trying to program her to MY way of thinking, and that's wrong, too. So what to do? I don't know. I do know that I'm going to just have to shut up about it though. I don't want to upset her, or take away her faith. And my husband is over it, too. He is frustrated with me, to say the least.
So I guess I'll try to keep my thoughts to myself, or put them here. In the meantime, I have to decide what to do about attending church. I wanted to go in the name of family unity, but it might end up doing more harm than good.