So, there is a reason I didn't weigh in on Saturday and it isn't that I forgot. I remembered, but I just couldn't face what would surely be waiting for me: a big, fat gain. I'm sorry to say that I will probably not be weighing in again this weekend. I can't even pretend there's a chance for a loss, or even a chance of maintaining where I was. I've been terrible, and I mean AWFUL, with my eating and I've blown off the majority of workouts that I was supposed to do for the past couple of weeks.
I'm so unbelievably stressed out about various things and then I treat food as an escape. Something I can control, even if everything else is OUT of control. I respond to stress in the worst way: by hiding at home and pigging out on junk.Trying not to think, I will lose myself in a book or on the internet or by watching a series on Netflix. And I'll be eating the whole time.
Through all of this I hurt. Physically, I mean. Cramps...horrible, terrible, painful uterine cramps plague me for weeks every single month. They begin a couple of days before ovulation and continue for pretty much the entire two weeks (or more) until my period and then into my period. So, pain for approximately 18-20 days a month. This has been the norm for me for 2 or 3 years now and I am sadly pretty much used to it, but it still really, really sucks. My heating pad is my constant companion. I sleep with it, eat with it, watch tv with it, and I've even thought of taking it on car rides with me! So...I tend to use this as an excuse to not work out. Most days I could probably work through the pain, and some days I do, but truthfully I usually don't. I just let myself be defeated by it, like I do most things in my life.
Obviously, I'm whiny today and I'm sorry. I'm cranky and lonely and stressed and I've been feeling way too crampy and yucky for way too many days in a row. I'm also feeling very emotionally adrift because of the spiritual stuff...stuff I'd planned to work out here but I'm finding that probably isn't a great idea. There's just no way to say the things I am thinking and feeling without seriously hurting those of you who are religious, and I do NOT want to do that. I will only say that I do know I still believe in God, if only because of the intense anger I often feel towards him. That sounds terrible, but it is sometimes the only comfort I feel about the whole thing. If I can keep believing in HIM, despite my feelings towards Christianity/religion and the bible, that is at least SOMETHING.
No matter how badly I want to say more, like all of the how's and why's of my drastic change of thinking, I won't out of respect for those who still hold those things dearly, and who may read my words and be disheartened. Just know that it is a HUGE part of my life right now, this spiritual struggle, and it isn't something I take lightly. It is a violent stripping away of something I don't necessarily WANT to lose. I just don't know how to force myself to continue on without it being a lie, and that would seriously defeat the purpose, yes?
Anyway, there's an update of what's going on in my life right now. Basically, a big mess but what can I say...I'm used to it. ;-)