Saturday, September 28, 2013

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 137.5
Loss for the week: Half a pound

Sigh. It is what it is. One week till big event, it is now too late to make much of a difference. I'm really hoping the dress I bought will fit, because it was a bit tight when I bought it. Silly me, I honestly thought I'd muster all this self-control and discipline to lose a few pounds in a month. 

Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than failing yourself day after day? What is that?! And really, that is why I'm upset...not the weight issue (although UGH I'm ready for my old clothes to fit again!) but the feeling of defeat, of weakness, of failure.

I know I'm annoying with the constant, 'just buckle down and do what you need to do already' right? I honestly don't know why I'm being so weak and pathetic about this. Truthfully, I am just a hot mess right now, between the stress of this party coming up and the hormones that get worse this time of the month, not to mention the anxiety/depression that is my constant companion. Excuses, yes, but doggone it, the combination of all this has me standing on the edge of a breakdown time and time again. 

I am just not a strong person anymore. I used to be such a strong person when I was young, honestly, but this constant mental, physical, and hormonal torture year after year has just broken me. I am so tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to pull it together. So I just let myself be weak and I'm so ashamed of this. 

You know, I used to judge people for whatever I perceived to be their weaknesses, but not any longer. I am finally in a position where I find myself judging no one. It is odd, the freedom in that. I've finally realized that we are ALL weak in our own ways. We are ALL in a fight, in a struggle, an internal or external battle, aren't we? True, it isn't always thrust upon us from circumstances or other people, yes, sometimes we pick it up ourselves for whatever reason, but even then aren't we all, on some level, self destructive? Isn't that ultimately the human condition? 

Okay so this became a bit deeper than my usual weigh in, didn't it? :) I just have so much on my mind and no place to spill it, so bits of it creep out here occasionally. Sorry! Back to the subject at hand: my weight. Hopefully this week takes off a pound or even two, but if it doesn't onward I go. I can't let myself feel so defeated over something so insignificant. It is what it is.   


  1. I so SO resonate with the sense of frustration in failing day after day, apparently through my own fault.

    And yet with complete confidence I can say I like you as you are, that the struggles you are facing are not simple matters of will and effort and that a lot less of your fault is involved than you think it is, and that God is forever and unchangeably delighted in you.

  2. That is an incredibly kind comment Marcy, thank you. Sometimes a few sweet words go a long way. :)