Gay Marriage

Okay, so building on the last confession, here's another one: I think that we (America) should allow gay marriage, as long as churches are not forced by law (citing discrimination, etc.) to perform them.

*Again, a disclaimer: I MAY BE 100% WRONG on this. I'm positive I'm wrong on some level, as I don't think any of us ever totally have it right when it comes to God. I'm not trying to convince you or convert you, and my thoughts in this area are very much a work in progress. This is just where my head is at right now, today, and I may very well be in a different place a month from now. End of disclaimer.*

See, here's the thing: I think it is really strange that we are trying to legislate our beliefs upon the entire country simply on the basis that they are our beliefs. I have yet to hear or read any logical argument that makes me believe that gay marriage would somehow hurt all marriages, or negatively effect society in general. Every article I've ever read on this subject has been embarrassingly vague and nonsensical to me, honestly.

(Please know that I understand that we, as Christians, are supposed to be bound to a higher law than American law...however we are projecting that Biblical allegiance onto the entire population and that is where we lose all credibility. Our convictions are just that: OUR convictions. I don't want to be bound by an outsider's definition of right or wrong, so why should I assume that right over others?) 

In my mind, if being a homosexual is a sin, and if marrying someone of the same gender is also a sin, isn't that ultimately between that person/couple and God? We all answer for our own sins, end of story. Quite honestly, I often wonder if we Christians aren't guilty of a bigger sin here, by showing such hate and disdain toward the homosexual population, and inadvertently projecting a portrait of God that is full of anger and contempt, a being who just wants to force you into submission at all costs. 

Serious question: Isn't someone burning in hell because they reject the ugly version of God that we present to them a bigger tragedy than anything? 

Unlike some Christians, I am FIRMLY against America becoming a theocracy of any kind, even a watered down version where evangelicals dictate what parts of the Bible should become part of American law. That reason? Whose version of Christianity/God do we choose? Which parts of the Bible are enforced and by whom? What's next...a tithe tax? Women being forced to wear long skirts and head coverings? Outlawing tattoos or remarrying after a divorce? And what happens when/if Christianity is no longer the religion of the majority and it is replaced by whatever religion follows it? Will we still be happy with said theocracy then? 

Just for a second, envision yourself living in an America bound by Sharia law. You aren't Muslim, you don't believe in their teachings and you feel that they are forcing you to directly oppose what you do believe. Do you honestly think that over time you'd be converted to their religion and learn to love and serve their version of god, or do you think that you'd become more resentful over time and come to hate everything that they stand for? Now tell me why on earth you think that non-Christians will be won over to Christ by forcing them, through legislation, to follow your set of beliefs?

I can force my child to read her Bible for hours each day, and that won't necessarily make her a believer. In fact, it may sour her to Christianity altogether if, instead of letting her find her own path to God, I use a heavy hand to force her down my path. Given the authority, I could force my neighbors to go to church each Sunday, but that wouldn't automatically make them believers, it would most likely cause them to resent both me and God. If I had the power, I could make it illegal to curse or use the Lord's name in vain...but those laws would ultimately do nothing at all to change the actual hearts of men. And isn't that where we are called to focus...the hearts of humanity?

I'm becoming more and more convinced that the crusade of Christianity against gay marriage is only accomplishing one thing spiritually speaking: multitudes of people turning their backs on God even further. That is a heavy cost, and for what? If your problem is with homosexuality, this doesn't 'solve' that problem. Homosexuality has always existed and will always exist, whether they are allowed to marry or not. So all that is really being accomplished is a bigger gulf is being forged between 'them' and 'us' or by extension, between them and God.

Where is the love we are supposed to show our fellow sinners? Are we so afraid that loving them will somehow make us complicit in their sin, as if we aren't knee deep in our own? Have we become more about the letter of the law than the spirit of the law, and isn't this something Jesus warned us about? I mean, is anyone else feeling a bit like a Pharisee?

Also, let us not forget it hasn't been that long ago that some Christians used the Bible to fight against interracial marriages, as well. My own marriage would be against the law had that argument stood, and for what reason, I ask you? How would my marriage hurt anyone, offend God, or cause society to implode into chaos? At one time, many Christians believed firmly that God said it would do those things, just as they say gay marriage will do those things now.  

One last thing to keep in mind: Marriage as we know it now (even amongst Christians, sadly) only has about a 50% success rate, so please don't come at me with the argument about the 'sanctity' of marriage between a man and a woman. We straight people have managed to make quite a mockery of marriage already, if you ask me.          

EDITED TO ADD: I just found an article that says what I was trying to say, only much better than I said it! I can't vouch for the entire site, as I have never read there before, but the article is good. 

Confession

Okay people, here's one of my changes of heart to start the ball rolling, so to speak:

I officially have zero problems with gay people.

Now, I could write page upon page about the 'why' behind that statement (and quite frankly I HAVE written those pages but never published them) but there it is. The only explanation I'll give right now is that:

1. MY particular daily sin (fear/anxiety) is addressed many more times in the Bible than homosexuality is addressed.
2. I, myself, am seemingly powerless to change, even though it is my deepest hearts desire.
3. I did not choose this and I do not continue to choose it daily.

Look, I've prayed thousands of times for God to change me, or help me to change myself, all in vain. I've begged, I've fasted, I've literally lay on the floor face down and wept before God. I've been prayed for by pastors, by evangelists, had the elders lay hands on me, been anointed with oil, done numerous Bible studies and read dozens of books on the matter...you name it. I am a person who spent years trying desperately to be set free of my sin. Yet, here I am, 41 years old and worse than ever, trying to simply get through each day and some days barely making it.

I know the horror of desperately NEEDING God to help you and then being met by only silence. It is an incredibly hopeless feeling, when God is your only hope but He doesn't come through for you. The things I've done that I mentioned above, these are what many gay Christians have gone through trying to be normal and free from how they feel (I've read many blogs and articles on this subject) and they've then been met by the same horrible silence from God. Oh, only they get a bonus to go along with that: complete judgement and rejection from the body of Christ. They get to be told they are going to burn in hell, for something they have not been able to conquer no matter how hard they've tried.

Just. Like. Me.

Also, I've come to fully believe that they are NOT choosing to be gay. In fact, many of them are actually killing themselves to escape it, a feeling I happen to completely and totally understand. And make no mistake, I am also fully aware of what the Bible says concerning the matter. This is just one reason out of a thousand that I am struggling to embrace the Bible lately. Or maybe it is just the church's interpretation and/or application of the Bible, I don't know.

And there you have it. I am not trying to convince you to feel the same, and I'm not asking to be talked out of it. After years of wrestling with God and myself over this matter I think I've finally come to as close to a peaceful resolution as I can within myself. Yes, I absolutely could be 100% wrong and I could be grieving God and I could be making a horrible judgement call...I know all of that. But something inside of me needed me to do this, to accept this, to maybe even embrace this. I don't know what else to say.

Alone

There is something extremely isolating about losing your faith. You are out there on this fragile limb, all by yourself, with no one to help you. It is so very lonely.

You can't really talk to your Christian friends about it, because they will either immediately judge you or quote numerous Bible verses at you, ones that you've argued already in your mind time and time again.  Or even worse, they could decide you are a bad influence and decide to shun you completely, like a modern day leper.

You can't really talk to your non-Christian friends either, for fear that they will just say things that will further place a wedge between you and God, somehow cutting that last thread of connection that you have with Him.

So ultimately you just end up writing insanely long blog posts that never see the light of day, living only in your drafts folder forever.

Thus, the silence here. I'm honestly getting closer and closer to just outing myself and all of my changes of heart, doubts, and confusion, but I'm just not quite there yet. Frankly I think part of me is afraid that once I put it all out there, I can't go back.

All I know is, I am very sad and very alone in this. It just really, really sucks.