This post is why I should keep the blog private. Because frankly I am full of sad and yuck and self pity. Because I apparently have nothing of any value to offer anyone, and that's why I am lonely and totally friendless at this point. The few friends I once had have all disappeared in the wake of my spiritual implosion, which frankly tells me a lot not only about them, but about Christianity itself. When I disappeared from church over a year ago, not one person called to try and help me, or save me, or council me. If they truly believe in what they say they do...wouldn't they at least try to save me from the hell where they say I'm heading? Am I not worth the trouble of something that important? Apparently not.
The hardest part is that even my mom is pulling away from me, unable to see past my doubts and questions, or maybe just frustrated by her own lack of answers for me, I don't know. So now I am truly left alone, but for my husband and daughter, who thankfully both stand beside me like the rocks that they are, and that really is enough in a way, because they love me so unconditionally.
But the complete rejection from everyone else? It sucks. And it's lonely.
I am without hope today. Yes, I am definitely in one of my down-cycles (helped along, I am sure, by both hormones and the long hard winter we're dealing with, but dark and scary nonetheless) and I just don't see any hope for my future anymore. As long as my mental issues are this strong, what can I do to help make anything better? I very rarely have the wherewithal to even leave the house these days. I desperately want to get a part time job, but for every day I feel strong enough to do that, there are two or three that knock me back down to reality. I want to find new friends, even just one, but I'm unsure of the how or the where or the who. Again...what to I have of value to add to anyone? I honestly don't want to be a taker, but sometimes mental disabilities suck the life out of everyone around you, taking and taking from anyone who cares...until they don't anymore.
Blah. I will regret posting this later. Whatever.