Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I'm back

So, after receiving a few emails asking about being blocked, I thought I'd explain.  I did an experiment a couple of months ago where I took the blog completely private to only serve as a 'diary' of sorts for all of my yucky yuckness...and then only wrote three very lame posts. So. Whatever. I'm back. (Although possibly no one is around to read any more, which would be so ironic)

What's new? Nothing. Same mess, same weight gain (possibly up more though), same negative depressing me. Aren't you glad I'm updating? 

I'm having a particularly bad day today. It's the last day of 2013 and as far as I can tell, 2014 will be just as crappy. Everyone on my facebook page is all positive and looking forward to the new year, and I so wish to be like them. Having mental illness SUCKS. I am tired. I am a slave to it. I am angry. I am at the end of me...but then, I've been there for a long time now.

People wonder how I could have possibly lost my faith in God, well let me tell you. Being in despair so often and being on your face, literally, before God...BEGGING, PLEADING to be well...and then only getting worse, well, I'm left with two options. Number one: God doesn't care enough to give me enough sanity and peace to at least not have to fight to want to live each day. Number two: He doesn't exist. 

Oh I know, there are other options. But frankly I think they're all crap. Bigger picture, bigger plan, blah blah blah. I am a PARENT. I would, even in my mortal imperfect ways, do ANYTHING to at the very least equip my daughter to live with hope and peace. So if God is my father, and He HAS that power and MORE, why wouldn't He (in love, right?) do that for me. At the least?!?


My anger at God is the only thing that convinces me that He may actually be real.   

1 comment:

  1. I'm still here. And your post reminds me of the time my first and late therapist let me know that not all problems are spiritual ones… that there are non-spiritual things that can be done to address mental health issues. How I wish that something would shift so that you could get some form of help. And, although I think you know this already, remember that God is strong enough to love you through your anger -- is not shocked, is not threatened, is not disgusted.