I have spent the last day and a half tucked into bed. Hiding under the blankets. Trying to feel safe, secure, numb, I don't know. Something. I am not sick in my body, and yes, I am definitely sick mentally, but it's more than that. I am sick in my heart. I am sad. Sad to the very deepest core of myself. Alone. More alone than I've felt in a long, long time.
Today I am out of bed, but not because I want to be, it's because I have to be. Tonight we have a volleyball dinner to attend for my daughter and I needed to get up and cook the Hawaiian coconut pudding that we're bringing. (It's a luau theme...quite lame but what can you do?) So now I'm up, out of bed, sitting in my chair, furiously hoping my pudding is forming something that resembles an edible consistency in the fridge right now, and quite frankly barely hanging on.
I just want to go back to bed.
I am tired...in my body, my brain, my innermost soul, my heart...so very tired. Too tired to even pretend to go through the motions of life. Now what?