Friday, December 3, 2010

My many ruts and trying to find my way out of them

Have you ever found yourself in a rut in a certain area of your life? I think we probably all have at one point or another, right? Well, what about being in a rut in pretty much every area of your life all at the same time? Yeah. That's a bit more problematic...and it's kinda where I've found myself lately.

In a rut with my diet/exercise plan, obviously.

In a rut with my closest relationships.

In a rut with my personal appearance.

In a rut spiritually. (This one is making all the others that much worse.)

In a rut emotionally.

In a 'life' rut...spending too much time avoiding life and not enough time living it. Just killing time.

There are probably more that I could come up with given more time, but that's enough to paint you all a picture of where I am right now. They say that admitting there is a problem is the first step in fixing it, right? Well, I have a problem. Thankfully though, I'm starting to make baby steps in trying to get back on track at least a little bit in each of these areas.

Diet/exercise: Trying to make better choices, one choice at a time. For example, last night I wanted a big bowl of cereal at bedtime, but instead of giving in like I've been doing far too often recently, I made air popped popcorn instead. +1 for me. Today I came THIS close to getting a Wendy's hamburger and fries, but I was a good girl and had Subway instead. +1 again. Trying to get more water during the day and using tricks like chewing gum to avoid mindless snacking. +2.

(I plan on trying to add in exercise again next week.)

Relationships: This one is much trickier, as it requires cooperation from other people in order to make any sort of decent progress. For now, I am just feeling my way around each day, trying to do my part. Most days I fail miserably, but some days I almost succeed. Honestly, I could fill a book with all of the details and complications in this category, but for now I won't. Let's just say I'm learning to sacrifice my needs, dreams, and wishes for the greater good of peace, and it is exceedingly difficult.

(I'm considering sharing more of my relationship struggles here, but I'm trying to decide if I can do it without a bashing or complaining tone. We'll see.)

Personal appearance: Okay, this is embarrassing to admit, but somewhere along the way I just stopped caring. My husband works very long hours and most days isn't home until I'm already showered and in my pj' why bother making myself look nice if he isn't even going to see me that way, right? Honestly, some days I don't even leave the house, and other days the most I'll end up doing is running to Walmart or the dollar store, so I just don't see the point of it all.

Well. I guess I underestimated the toll it would take on my self-esteem to always look dowdy, with no make up, hair pulled back, and sweatpants on everyday! Lately, I've honestly been feeling so ugly, so blah, so gross. So, this week I've made it a priority to actually put make-up on and do my hair each day. I've also dressed nicely most of the week, even on days no one saw me dressed but my daughter. It has already started making me feel more human again. I guess that's worth the 30 or so extra minutes of primping each day!

Spiritually: This one is huge. I have fallen so far away from God the last few weeks, you wouldn't even believe it. I have completely stopped trying to seek praying, no Bible study, no worship. I'm so far retreated into myself that I can no longer see HIM past ME and I hate it. So...I've started praying again, little prayers, but prayers nonetheless. I've decided to dedicate this weekend to trying to seek Him some books, study the Bible, ect. Obviously, this will take more than a weekend to fix, but I have to start somewhere and hopefully it will snowball into a better relationship with God once again.

Emotionally: Ugh. Where do I even start? I guess my biggest weapon against this current emotional rut is to try to practice being thankful more for even the little things. Oh, and I've decided to try to fake being happy when necessary. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but really, I'm going to try it. What do I have to lose?

How I live my life: I spend a lot of time on the computer. Like, a lot. My daughter uses an online school and it requires me to sit in front of the computer for at least 5-6 hours a day for that, but even beyond that I am online for a few additional hours each day! It needs to be cut back, without a doubt. I MUST do this. I plan on starting this as soon as we're finished with school today, by limiting myself to only one hour online in the evening tonight, then offline all weekend (!). I'm actually a bit freaked about a total internet detox, but that alone tells me it's necessary.

So. I am in a rut, no -- in MANY ruts -- but I'm trying to dig my way out of them the best that I can. Any ideas in any of these areas are welcomed. (Just be nice!) Hopefully by this time next week I'll have some good reports to share. :)


  1. Just one quick comment for now, about your Spiritual Rut:
    I'm always so comforted by the story in Luke 15, "...while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him: he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him."
    God sees you coming, He has compassion for you, and He'll run to meet you.

  2. "Let's just say I'm learning to sacrifice my needs, dreams, and wishes for the greater good of peace, and it is exceedingly difficult."

    Hmmm -- sometimes peace is the most important priority, but not always. Is it in Philippians that Paul says to be at peace with everyone, *as far as it depends on you*?

    This reminds me of DBT -- in the interpersonal effectiveness section, it talks about weighing three things when contemplating taking action that effects a relationship: 1) your goal in taking the action 2) your self-respect and 3) maintaining / furthering the relationship.

    Sometimes it's worth risking peace in order to pursue truth, honesty, intimacy, or to confront sin, or to remain a person.

    I'm with N8swife about the spiritual rut, too. And if you didn't see this one in my recent spate of haiku statuses:

    Petulant sulking
    Infuriates a parent
    But God still cuddles

    He's not as crossed-arms rolled-eyes you'd-better-grovel as we think, even though he IS more serious about sin than we think.

    Go read Jeremiah 2, particularly the bit about living water vs broken cisterns.

    And remember -- what you do in each area of your life matters -- but it's not what defines you and it's not what determines God's attitude toward you.

  3. Missy,
    I share Prochaskas's concern with your approach to the "relationship rut".

    Obviously, I don't know the details, nor to which relationships you are referring. But I just wanted to say..
    An absence of arguments does not equal Peace. (This is more and more true the closer to home the relationships are.) Maybe there's nothing you can do about, say, your Great Aunt Sally whom you see twice a year and maybe conflict avoidance is the best you can hope for with her. But within our own homes, with our spouse and children, I believe God wants us to strive for genuine unity. Real peace is worth fighting for.
    (Been there, done that, by the way. I don't remember if I've ever shared the gritty details with you, but we went through a really rough time a couple of years back. Things weren't always as "perfect" here as they seemed. We can talk more about that at another time if you ever think it would help.)

    On a lighter note, it sounds like you're taking steps in the right direction to get out of all those other ruts! There's a lot you're taking on all at once (Go You!). You'll have to let us know how your "internet withdraw" went this weekend:0)