Sunday, May 29, 2011

Enjoying life in the wrong ways

I've been focusing more lately on making a deliberate effort to enjoy my life, mostly due to the fact that my very young step-sister-in-law is dying. She's not just dying, but she's dying a slow, agonizing, torturous death. She's spent the past year inside, away from the world, not able to eat or do much of anything at all. She has three daughters and is only one year older than I am.

So needless to say, it's been on my mind a lot lately. Not only her death, but on my life, and the fact that there are times when I don't really even try to enjoy it. Overall, this is a good thing to reflect on, mainly because it's caused me to step out lately and do things that I may not have without being purposely mindful of it...but it occurred to me today that it is also effecting me in bad ways.

Namely, my eating.

I have been more of the mindset lately to ENJOY my food, relax about what I eat, to just be in the moment...and as a result I am still gaining. I did a peek weigh-in this morning and I am at 130 again. Let me tell you, that just sucks. After maintaining for a year and a half, I am now officially completely off the rails! There is a part of me that feels completely capable of getting back into the groove and dropping ten pounds in no time, but there is also a part of me that just wants to stop thinking about it and enjoy my life (and food) for what it is.

Oh, I know. I could eat healthy and still enjoy life, right? I suppose so, but if I'm being totally feels like no. I'm serious! To ME (and me alone) enjoying my food means not worrying about what it is, how many calories, if it's too fatty or too salty, it's just enjoying the tastes and textures and indulging whenever I please. Cake, ice cream, chips, pizza, pasta, ooey-gooey mac and cheese...well, you know.

Yes, this is an extremely immature, childish way of looking at it. I am aware. I am also aware I could just make up my mind to enjoy these things in moderation, as I've done for the past two years. Yep. I could do it. And I should. But if I'm honest? I just DO. NOT. WANT. TO.

There is a lot more to me gaining weight than this enjoying food thing, by the way. I am in a bit of a down cycle and that makes me eat more, to be sure. I've also been feeling really yucky physically lately and that always drives me to eat (a weird, psychological quirk of mine) but this enjoying life thing is just what was on my mind today. Trying to enjoy my life to the fullest, even when it comes to my eating, and how it is really biting me on my (ever-expanding) butt.

My plan? Well, for one I need to reign in this child in me who is demanding cake and chips 24/7, to start! I am finally going to the grocery store tomorrow to re-stock on good stuff, and that is key. I'm hoping to force my lazy butt onto the treadmill most days next week, even if it's only for a wimpy walk. Up my water. Try to be more active during the day.

(Side note: I'm totally sucked into the Casey Anthony trial. It's streamed live online and it sucks me in every single day! Doesn't do much to encourage daytime activity, let me tell you!)

Sorry that I'm sucking so badly lately and my posts are pathetic, weak, and whiny. I want to be as honest as possible with you all, and it's just not always pretty, know what I mean? Hope you're all enjoying the holiday weekend! :)


  1. I love your honesty, Missy. And I've never thought you were pathetic, weak, or whiny. Ever. Promise!

    I can totally relate to your attitude about food. I sometimes think I can make a change - I can eat more healthful, I can cut out the foods that are bad for me. But then I just don't want to. I get in the mindset that what's the point if you're miserable with what you're eating every day! I know that's ridiculous and I know that you can eat healthy foods and be happy but I understand how it's hard.

    I envy you in that you were able to do it - you made the decision and stuck with it and lost the weight. I've tried before and, even when I was "good" and did the things I was suppose to, I didn't lose any weight. It's frustrating so I just give up. I'm embarrassed to get on the scale and I hate what I weigh but I don't seem to be able to fix it. ugh!

    Anyway, didn't mean to make a post here! lol! I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone in those feelings - at all.

    And I really want to say how sorry I am about your step sister in law. That is so horrible!! I pray that God surrounds all of you guys with peace and His loving comfort!!

    Thanks for sharing. :)

  2. I'm sorry about your step sister-in-law, too; how awful.

    I think the feeling of punishment or deprivation is going to always derail attempts to eat well. Keeping junk out of the house seems to work well for you. Otherwise, is it perhaps a good time to try focusing on one truly tiny change at a time? You're not really that far off your goal weight -- but if you give yourself a year or two to bring it down, maybe you can develop more of a taste for the good stuff and feel less deprivation.

    Have you tried any reduction in carbs? Maybe indulging in some nuts or a piece of good bacon instead of chips?

    Knowing it's possible to eat healthy and enjoy it doesn't make it so -- you do have to pay attention to what you actually like. When I admitted I hate most greens, it was pretty liberating. And now, lo and behold, with less pressure to force myself to eat them, and after two years of not eating them much at all, I'm finding that just a bit of kale in a soup, or sauteed with other veggies, is really quite nice, and kale chips are yummy.

    I wonder if you might do well with an artificial rule to govern your moderation -- I've been pretty content before with a "two treats a week" rule -- it can be anything, cookies, cheesecake, ice cream -- but just twice a week. Then I look forward to the next week's treats.

  3. Missy,
    I'm so sorry that things are just so cruddy right now. And so sorry about your sis. How awful for you and her whole family...

    About the food thing-- We finally got done with the Made to Crave study, so I'll be sending you the dvd soon. I'm tellin ya, she may really be able to help you change your mindset. My suggestion is to first watch/read the material straight through, then go back and spend some time on each section day by day.

    One thing to remember is that just letting your appetite "be free" with no restraint is not without consequence. I know that in the moment, eating junk and shirking exercise *seems* like it's going to make you happy, but I think the end results cause far greater Unhappiness than any temporary pleasure. Feelings of guilt, low self-esteem, sluggishness, poor health, self-consciousness, just to name a few.

    I hope you enjoy a relaxing holiday today!
    Love you.

  4. Someone dying really puts things in perspective...believe me, I get that.
    Last night I sat on my front porch enjoying the view, but as I wrote in my journal I was feeling down. I weigh more now than I ever have in my life. Sigh. I don't think the number on the scale is "my worth"...but, it hurts me when I don't feel comfortable in my own body anymore.
    I have an auto-immune disease that makes my metabolism slow anyway (yea, me!) so, for me, it is less about food (I really don't binge eat, or snack a lot)...and more about exercise. If I don't get my butt in gear, I'm in (BIG) trouble.
    I appreciate your honesty. I really do. You are not alone in your struggles, friend!