There is something extremely isolating about losing your faith. You are out there on this fragile limb, all by yourself, with no one to help you. It is so very lonely.
You can't really talk to your Christian friends about it, because they will either immediately judge you or quote numerous Bible verses at you, ones that you've argued already in your mind time and time again. Or even worse, they could decide you are a bad influence and decide to shun you completely, like a modern day leper.
You can't really talk to your non-Christian friends either, for fear that they will just say things that will further place a wedge between you and God, somehow cutting that last thread of connection that you have with Him.
So ultimately you just end up writing insanely long blog posts that never see the light of day, living only in your drafts folder forever.
Thus, the silence here. I'm honestly getting closer and closer to just outing myself and all of my changes of heart, doubts, and confusion, but I'm just not quite there yet. Frankly I think part of me is afraid that once I put it all out there, I can't go back.
All I know is, I am very sad and very alone in this. It just really, really sucks.
You're not alone. I have two other friends who are deeply struggling with it, and one friend who hasn't quite lost faith but has a lot of questions and doubts, and I myself struggle quite a bit at various times. I hope you find some local friends you can talk with in person about it all, and some online resources, too.
ReplyDeletehttp://kathyescobar.com/2012/05/04/rebuilding-is-possible-a-little-hope-for-deconstruction/
That's it, I'm shunning you!
ReplyDeleteNot.
You are not alone. I'm so sorry you feel that way:(
I know I always say this, but I really believe that so many of your "faith" problems would be resolved if you found the right medication (sorry, I realize that sounds kinda crappy). But faith is all about belief. And what you believe about yourself and God and life is largely a bunch of poop because the things your sick brain tells you are lies. And you probably think I'm wrong and that I don't understand. And I didn't quote a bunch of Bible verses at ya, so that just shows what you know! :P
ReplyDelete(Oh, and I totally get it if you don't want to publish this comment;)
Thanks guys. :)
ReplyDeleteShauna, I know what you're saying, I do. But most of the stuff I'm struggling with has to do with things OUTSIDE of the world of me.
I'm going to try to start explaining a little of what's going on. TRY. Perhaps not succeed! :)
Maybe medication. I did well with talk therapy without medication until I had Amy. Now I need the pills, too. A good therapist could be helpful in sorting out the spiritual from the psychological from whatever else, and in walking you through all the transformations you're experiencing. It's hard to find a good therapist...
ReplyDeleteOne of the things my therapist said about medication is that it can help give you access to enough of yourself that you can do the thinking work more effectively. It's not about numbing the feelings or making the problems go away.
I have increasingly found resources for Christians who want to continue with Jesus and figure out the whole Bible thing, but who no longer fit that evangelical box. Rachel Held Evans' blog http://rachelheldevans.com is a great resource and often links to many others, including the interview with Justin Lee that launched my third investigation into the "gay" thing and has me very nearly ready to go for full acceptance.
And I have found myself blissfully at home in the Episcopal church, of all places, with a priest who is serious about Jesus and much more liberal about many things than I have encountered in a serious Jesus-follower before, and he is my friend and spiritual director and I am hopeful and confident that he will be a great help to me.
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