Since I posted last night, barely over 12 hours ago, I have failed HARD and OFTEN. I skipped dinner due to the pre-dinner binge, but then ten thirty rolled around and I was feeling kinda off so I grabbed a giant bag of m&m's (that I always keep in the house, more about this in a minute) and went to town on it. Sigh.
Then this morning I woke feeling weak and fatigued (this whole week has been horrible with fatigue, weakness, and heart palpitations) so I grabbed a bowl of cereal right away. An hour later, I still felt gross and my husband called to see if I wanted him to bring me anything for breakfast on his way home from dropping our daughter at school. And even though I'd already had breakfast, I asked for a BK Croissan'wich AND a few TimBits (donut holes) from Tim Hortons. So I had not one, not two, but THREE breakfasts this morning.
So wow. It's 11 am and I've already messed up today. Heck, it's only about 15 hours since I vowed here to do better and I've failed three times already since then.
Honestly so much of it is how I feel physically. I tend to eat to feel better, to get energy, to get through the day essentially. Yes, I probably do need to go see the doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of ovulation this week and perimenopause. I would no doubt end up refusing to do hormone treatments, so going to the doctor is kinda a waste of time and precious energy, not to mention a source of unneeded anxiety.
And speaking of anxiety, that's what the m&m's are for. Oddly they serve as my anxiety medication. No idea why, but half of the time they help. (Why can't apples do this?) I have anxiety daily, some days unbearably anxious and filled with panic attacks, so sadly I'm turning to m&m's often. How stupid and weak. Obviously it's the placebo effect in action, but when I'm desperate and feeling like I want to die, I cave. It's a weird, unhealthy, coping mechanism.
So in the interest of complete honesty I am here, confessing, and hopefully the public shaming will eventually course correct my eating/exercise habits. I know it's pathetic, look away by all means, but I am determined to keep trying, however lame those tries may be.