So, Christmas is over and I survived. Thank goodness. Can I be honest? I truly hate the holidays.
Awful, right? I just really do hate this time of year though. The holidays bring out all of my anxieties and stress, they highlight the distance I have between myself and my parents, they break up our schedule, they force me to be around people I don't necessarily like to be around, they make me feel so lonely...and on and on. I try my best to hide my unhappiness and dread for my daughter's sake, but on the inside and in private I am really struggling every holiday season.
Truth be told, I'm still struggling this week. I even had a panic attack that forced me to leave in the middle of church on Sunday, and that hasn't happened in a long time. (It used to be common) I think right now it's a combination of lingering anxiety issues and PMS. Always a killer combo...ugh. I just want to stay in bed and hide! I'm eating horribly and not exercising at all, and frankly I don't even have it in me to fight against the tide. I'm just telling myself that come what may, I WILL get back to work after the 1st. I have no choice. I have come too far to go back now. Thankfully I should be over the PMS hump by the middle of next week and that always helps so much.
I wish so badly that I were normal. I long for that. To live my life and not constantly be fighting against my thoughts and fears. To not have anxiety rule me and dictate my days. I hate days like today when all I can focus on are the bad things, the struggle, the thoughts I can't control. How I want to be spending my day being happy and joyful and loving life, instead of just limping through and forcing myself to survive. Let me tell you something...survival living isn't really living at all.
Sigh. I'm sorry about this post guys. I've done a decent job so far of keeping this blog pretty impersonal and weight loss oriented, but today I just need to vent and whine, I guess. I'm just so tired of being me. It's incredibly exhausting.