Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Survival living

So, Christmas is over and I survived. Thank goodness. Can I be honest? I truly hate the holidays.

Awful, right? I just really do hate this time of year though. The holidays bring out all of my anxieties and stress, they highlight the distance I have between myself and my parents, they break up our schedule, they force me to be around people I don't necessarily like to be around, they make me feel so lonely...and on and on. I try my best to hide my unhappiness and dread for my daughter's sake, but on the inside and in private I am really struggling every holiday season.

Truth be told, I'm still struggling this week. I even had a panic attack that forced me to leave in the middle of church on Sunday, and that hasn't happened in a long time. (It used to be common) I think right now it's a combination of lingering anxiety issues and PMS. Always a killer combo...ugh. I just want to stay in bed and hide! I'm eating horribly and not exercising at all, and frankly I don't even have it in me to fight against the tide. I'm just telling myself that come what may, I WILL get back to work after the 1st. I have no choice. I have come too far to go back now. Thankfully I should be over the PMS hump by the middle of next week and that always helps so much.

I wish so badly that I were normal. I long for that. To live my life and not constantly be fighting against my thoughts and fears. To not have anxiety rule me and dictate my days. I hate days like today when all I can focus on are the bad things, the struggle, the thoughts I can't control. How I want to be spending my day being happy and joyful and loving life, instead of just limping through and forcing myself to survive. Let me tell you something...survival living isn't really living at all.

Sigh. I'm sorry about this post guys. I've done a decent job so far of keeping this blog pretty impersonal and weight loss oriented, but today I just need to vent and whine, I guess. I'm just so tired of being me. It's incredibly exhausting.


  1. Oh, Missy, I'm so sorry. I can relate. Even with my meds for help, just living is so hard sometimes. It truly is more like "survival". Just hunker down and make it through; not all days are like this one. You can get back on the wagon when you're feeling better.
    Love you.

  2. Thanks, girl. I know you understand. I'm just over it, know what I mean? By the way, I'm about to drown my sorrows in a Big Mac and fries...argh.

  3. I must have been on earlier while you were playing with the backgrounds again, because this is not the one I saw. Some cute pink and black one, I think?

    Mmmmm, sometimes I really crave McDonald's fries. They are so good!

  4. Missy, I'm so sorry. :( I will be praying for you. I'm going to also be praying that something will change in your finances and/or job situation so that you can get insurance and get in to a doctor. I know that's not possible right now (and can relate to that!!) but I know that would probably help you. Until then, I will be praying! I hope things turn around soon. Love ya!

  5. I am so sorry Missy. I will keep you in my prayers. Hugs

  6. (((Missy)))

    I HATE making resolutions. It makes me feel cliche, and my inner critic gets all huffy about it, sneering at me all the time.

    But I'm looking at what I can change this year, too, and here we go.

    I didn't eat very sensibly over the holidays, but not awfully, either -- I don't think I had more than one piece of cheesecake in one day, for example, lol. I was much less self-hating and miserable about it this time than two years ago, though.

    Seeing my beautifully pregnant friend, so shapely, helped and didn't help.