There are times when I don't blog for a few days simply because it doesn't occur to me. There are also times when I'm struggling with a particularly hard personal struggle or a down cycle in my depression and I don't feel 'up' to blogging, so it goes quiet over here for awhile. Sometimes, I just have nothing to say at all, which is just so hard to believe, what with my ever-so-exciting life and all, so I don't blog.
Then there are times (like now, for instance) when basically I'm hiding from you all a bit. See, whether you've accepted the job or not, you are sort of my accountability partners, the ones who cheered me on to losing the weight, and celebrated the year plus that I've keep it off. The ones who remind me why I'm doing it, who give me helpful hints and pats on the back. The ones who I didn't want to know that I am NOT doing a good job of keeping that weight off now. At all.
I am not even going to try and sugar coat it for you. I am most definitely failing right now. My weight is up, probably back over 130 right now, but really I have no idea, because I am completely avoiding the scale. Me, the super obsessive weighing-in-er, not curious to peek and know how bad it is. Oh, I already know it's bad...and the sad thing is, I don't really know if I'm ready to start tackling it again.
Here is the thing: I know what to do. It isn't even really that hard to do it. I'm just choosing not to do it. WHY?!? Why am I sabotaging this after all these months? Almost exactly two years ago (April 3rd) I started this journey and I worked so hard, I became a person I didn't even think I could be, and I eventually accomplished my goal. In my life, to me, this was huge. What has happened to change that?
I'm eating whatever I want, whenever I want, like a spoiled child. Maybe I'm tired of 'missing out' or denying myself. I don't know. Food just tastes good and I want it. Honestly, it doesn't really have to be deep...I like food, I love to eat! I like ice cream and chips and big plates of comfort food. I want pizza and Chinese food and huge bowls of pasta salad. I don't want fruit, veggies, eggs, and yogurt anymore. I want salty, sweet, ooey-gooey junkiness.
My workouts are still happening for the most part, except that I've missed the last couple of days due to some serious PMS...which could also be effecting the rest of this, to be honest, but then again I made it through almost two years of PMS without gaining more than a pound or two and only for a few days, so that's just not a good enough excuse. There IS no excuse.
I AM GAINING THE WEIGHT BACK. There. I had to say it. I had to acknowledge it, confess it, something. I am going in the wrong direction and have been for a couple of months now. It is happening and it will continue to happen unless I can get a grip and control myself.
In a few days it will be weigh-in day and we will know how bad the damage is. Hopefully, by then I will be ready to start the hard work to get back to my goal weight. I have to be ready, because retreat can't be an option. I must keep trying, because in the end, I believe it is worth it.