There are a few blogs that I read that I tend to let stack up in my google reader, sometimes as many as 45-50 deep. It isn't because they are the ones I don't care about, quite the opposite actually. They are the ones that I need to slow down and really focus on...and I often put them off because I never feel like I'm in the right state of mind to do that these days.
One of them is Ann Voskamp's blog, A Holy Experience.
If you don't read her blog, please, trust me, start. I won't even try to describe it, other than to say I believe God has truly given her a gift. So anyway, I finally start tackling some old blog posts of hers in my reader and one had a short, simple line tucked inside that I can't seem to get out of my head. She said, "For the life of me? I can’t get it all right."
And immediately tears filled my eyes, because yes...that is exactly it. For the life of me I can't get it all right. Truthfully, it is often the last thought that runs through my head at night. 'Why can't I ever get it right? Just for one day? Why am I so weak? What is wrong with me?'
And then I read that Ann, who is easily one of the online women I look 'up' to the most, sometimes feels the same way...and I am slightly comforted, slightly encouraged.
What does Ann say later in her post about this condition? She says: "The art of celebrating life isn’t about getting it right — but about receiving Grace."
Grace. I once read a really good book about it (What's so amazing about grace?) and it was such a life-changing thing. For about a week. Ugh. I have a terrible tendency to quickly lose any revelation I receive! I've actually been meaning to re-read the book, but there are like five more I'm already reading right now that I can't seem to finish...
Anyway, when I think of grace I tend to think of it in terms of me extending grace to others, because it is an area that I struggle with constantly. (Side note: Is there an area in which I don't struggle?!? See what I mean about not getting anything right?) The thought of my need for grace from God is much harder for me, because I know beyond any doubt that I do NOT deserve it. I don't deserve His forgiveness because I continually commit the same sins over and over again. I don't deserve His mercy because I so rarely grant mercy to others. I don't deserve His grace because I am a never-ending, never-changing mess. And on and on it goes.
Oh for goodness sakes, I don't even know what my point is! I guess it is just that every once in a while I get a momentary glimpse of the fact that we're all our own special kind of mess. Some just do a better job hiding their mess, I suppose. I think that most people have a much smaller mess to hide, lucky for them, and then there is me, who is basically a head-to-toe, can't-hide-it-even-if-I-wanted-to kind of mess. My only hope, your only hope, is God. Now, if only I could let that revelation move me toward Him, inspire me to seek Him, woo me to love Him. Please Lord, let me get at least this right.