Since I posted last night, barely over 12 hours ago, I have failed HARD and OFTEN. I skipped dinner due to the pre-dinner binge, but then ten thirty rolled around and I was feeling kinda off so I grabbed a giant bag of m&m's (that I always keep in the house, more about this in a minute) and went to town on it. Sigh.
Then this morning I woke feeling weak and fatigued (this whole week has been horrible with fatigue, weakness, and heart palpitations) so I grabbed a bowl of cereal right away. An hour later, I still felt gross and my husband called to see if I wanted him to bring me anything for breakfast on his way home from dropping our daughter at school. And even though I'd already had breakfast, I asked for a BK Croissan'wich AND a few TimBits (donut holes) from Tim Hortons. So I had not one, not two, but THREE breakfasts this morning.
So wow. It's 11 am and I've already messed up today. Heck, it's only about 15 hours since I vowed here to do better and I've failed three times already since then.
Honestly so much of it is how I feel physically. I tend to eat to feel better, to get energy, to get through the day essentially. Yes, I probably do need to go see the doctor, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of ovulation this week and perimenopause. I would no doubt end up refusing to do hormone treatments, so going to the doctor is kinda a waste of time and precious energy, not to mention a source of unneeded anxiety.
And speaking of anxiety, that's what the m&m's are for. Oddly they serve as my anxiety medication. No idea why, but half of the time they help. (Why can't apples do this?) I have anxiety daily, some days unbearably anxious and filled with panic attacks, so sadly I'm turning to m&m's often. How stupid and weak. Obviously it's the placebo effect in action, but when I'm desperate and feeling like I want to die, I cave. It's a weird, unhealthy, coping mechanism.
So in the interest of complete honesty I am here, confessing, and hopefully the public shaming will eventually course correct my eating/exercise habits. I know it's pathetic, look away by all means, but I am determined to keep trying, however lame those tries may be.
I still hope for you that someday a therapist might be feasible. There is much you can do to work on eating habits and exercise, and both can help mitigate the anxiety and so on, but a good therapist could be more helpful directly working through those issues.
ReplyDeleteYou're not a failure for falling down (again). You're only a failure if you quit trying. Or... go ahead and quit, it's okay. So long as you can make peace with yourself and stop beating yourself up over your (perfectly normal) weight.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, any chance of you getting yourself to the dr. about your anxiety/depression?
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