Friday, April 24, 2015

Bad week

Having a bad couple of days. I know it's partially hormones at play, as it is my time of the month, but the depression/anxiety/anger/frustration is so real and overwhelming. I have learned to live relatively okay with just anxiety...that is my daily affliction and I deal with it and function normally (for me, that is!) but when it is accompanied by depression (which luckily isn't everyday, only a few days a month in the spring/summer, more in the winter) I am not able to be myself at all. I am paralyzed and consumed with it. I am less than myself. 

Things -- besides hormones -- that are contributing to this yuck right now:

I am so crazy lonely that there are not adequate words to express it. A few times lately I've literally cried in public because my loneliness overwhelms me. I shop with a giant lump in my throat. I eat most of my meals alone. I go hours without speaking every single day. It is lonely.

I am trying to do the right, responsible things in my life and being made out to be the 'bad' guy as a result. It is unfair and frustrating. It makes me want to give up. 

I am nervous and apprehensive about starting a job for the first time in almost two decades on Monday. I'm so afraid it'll take away too much family time, compound my own loneliness, cause me to not be available for my daughter and make her feel neglected and lonely herself. I'm messing up her future financial aid in a big way. I have so much guilt over working again.

I'm lately feeling such an anger towards my father, and the fact that he has never been there for me. That I've been abused and neglected instead of 'fathered' in any way in my life and how that makes me feel vulnerable and unworthy and empty of something I know I need. I've carried this anger basically my entire life, but for some reason it's been gnawing at me a bit more recently. 

I am struggling to not eat tons of crap to drown out these feelings I'm having. I'm not exercising at all, because depression cripples me, makes me curl up into myself and takes away nearly all of my energy. Just getting through the day exhausts me.

Yeah, this is all depressing and sad and whiny and I really hate that. I hate putting my pathetic-ness on display, even though I leave out 99% of the details. But it is another part of this journey, I suppose, so I am putting it down here, if for no other reason but to look back later and remember why there's a gain this week, assuming there will probably be one. 

It's a bad week, but it'll pass.