Updated picture

I know it isn't a great, full-body shot but I SO hate to take those so it'll do for now. Most of you have seen it already on facebook so excuse the repeat! It is my daughter and I, this past Wednesday, eating lunch with Hubby in the park. I HATE that I'm not wearing make up and I'm all scrubby and in a hat, but frankly it's how I look more than half of the time so whatever. :P

Toning...or the lack thereof!

As expected I am having a hard time figuring out maintenance. For the most part I am still eating the same foods I did during the loss phase, but I've definitely been doing a bit of snacking on bad stuff from time to time. One thing's for sure...I need to start toning ASAP.

Even though I'm at the weight I want to be, I am still lumpy in places I don't want to be lumpy! My arms and stomach have a loose skin issue (who'd have thought that would be a problem as slow as I took things?? Whatever!) and it is bugging me a bit. The legs aren't doing bad (for me at least...I've never had particularly skinny legs even when I was barely over 100 pounds!) but my butt is flat and droopy. Ugh. The one time in history when big butts are 'in' and mine isn't cooperating!! :)

Well anyway, I'm pretty much holding steady between 122 and 124. So far, so good!

On the other side

Survived the panic attack...ended up taking half of an anxiety pill and it helped so much. Lots to do today, on the go shlepping the kiddo around town. Volleyball practice for 2 hours, baton immediately after that, and then girls club immediately after that. On the go from 3:30 till 9:00. Ugh. At least it will keep me away from the fridge.

Made pasta salad today for the first time in six months. Was one of my biggest weaknesses before and I completely overdid it today, proving that it MUST be only an occasional thing. I feel disgusting now.

Well, just wanted to update on the pathetic post from last night. :)

panic attack eating

I am having a really bad night. Panic attack...the kind that comes for no good reason. Right when I was going to start making a sensible dinner it just hit me. There was no way I was going to be capable of putting a dinner together at this point so I frantically called Hubby and he brought home pizza. Again.

Yes...I ate it.

Last night I had chips and salsa in bed. With a huge hunk of french bread on the side.

Oh, I know it is getting tedious hearing about all my food indiscretions. Blogs are supposed to encourage and all that jazz. Whatever. I'm honestly just trying to document my eating messes so that when the scales go up, I remember why.

Right now, I'm just hoping to get through the night without falling apart, so if I eat badly then I eat badly. I don't care.

Anyone else struggle with depression/anxiety/panic disorder? Do you know the feeling of which I speak...not caring about gaining if it helps you through the next five minutes? I am so there. I just stinking suck tonight.

How my week went

So...I did in fact end up in bed with the heating pad on Tuesday night and all day Wednesday. Nice, right? There was an extra pizza night this week due to Mama's cramps and I may have had my hand buried in a box of Honeycomb quite a few times...

But now it's mostly back to usual around here THANK GOODNESS and I'm happy to report that I did weigh in this morning at 123...still up a pound from my lowest but the same as I was on Saturday. Phew.

Workouts this week: I did get 3 treadmill workouts in (Monday, Thursday, Friday) but NO strength training whatsoever. Maybe tomorrow? Next week this will be a priority.

I looked up how many calories I can supposedly eat to maintain my new weight and the range was like 1500-1800 a day. Ummmm, that can't be right. If I ate 1800 calories a day I'd be back up to 163 before you know it! I'm not quite sure where my caloric sweet spot is, but I can promise you that it is NOT that high!

Still going through a ton of stress. In fact, it has gotten progressively worse the last week or so. I'm not doing a TON of stress eating but it IS happening...mostly in the form of many dark chocolate Hershey kisses and 100 calorie cinnamon cookie packs. (Side note: When I started dieting my first bag of kisses lasted like a couple of months...now I'm lucky if its a couple of weeks!)

There are days when I definitely want to have a big fat fast food fest to drown my sorrows, that's for sure. Hanging in there though. Hubby and Kiddo had McDonalds for breakfast since we were out of milk and bread...and I had a banana and a dry Nutrigrain waffle. It doesn't happen often anymore, but I'm totally a diet rockstar from time to time. :)

Why I didn't weigh in on Saturday

I didn't do an official blog weigh in this weekend even though I did step on the scale, but in case you were wondering I weighed in up a pound to 123. Not stressing. I think I've decided not to 'officially' report my up's and down's unless I get above 125 and have to go back into 'losing it mode' again. Reason? I'm fully expecting to be up a pound or two here/down a pound there for the rest of my life...I mean my monthly time alone puts me up a couple and I can't freak out once a month when that happens! So anyway, that's the plan.

Now, how am I doing? Not great. I am going through a very difficult time personally right now and it is taking a TON of effort just to function these days, which isn't leaving much energy to watch what I eat or get moving everyday. I am just at a loss so far as to how I'm going to get through this situation in one piece...nevermind if I'll be thin or fat at the end of it.

That said, I haven't given up whatsoever, just struggling to find my good place. The mantra still stands: I'll win or lose this thing at the grocery store. When I have a bag of Baked Lay's in the house (like I did this weekend) I will most definitely eat all of said bag all by myself...like I did this weekend. If I buy apples, broccoli, and yogurt, I'll be inclined to actually eat them. Ect...

I'm setting a goal to walk/run 30 minutes Monday, Wednesday, Friday and do Core Secrets on Tuesday/Thursday/Saturday. Mind you, this is just my goal...it may or may not end up a reality. Especially this week...which is the ever-dreaded PMS week (Duh duh DUH) and who knows if (or should I say WHEN) I'll end up in bed with the heating pad at any point.

So, there you have it. Sorry I'm being vague about the personal problems...I HATE when people do that but in this case it is unavoidable. I'll try to post here often, mainly because it helps me stay focused on what I'm supposed to be doing and keeps me somewhat accountable!

Side note: I am forever cold these days! We aren't turning our heat on yet (despite below freezing temps at night and 40's/50's during the day) and it is COLD in this house! It is oddly making me want to work out LESS, even though I know it will warm me up. I just want to bundle in a heavy sweater and blanket with a book and a cup of coffee...know what I mean?? :)

**Oh, and a note to Jo...I will totally do that question thingy as soon as I'm feeling up to it. I love those things! :)

Biggest Loser nonsence

I've got a serious love/hate relationship with the Biggest Loser. It has definitely gotten worse this season, since I just went through six months of losing weight (although not the numbers their contestants lose, granted) and I know some of what they say and do just isn't necessary, and maybe even counterproductive.

For example, last night Bob was reprimanding someone for ordering sauteed vegetables and said you can only have steamed or grilled veggies. Seriously? I saute veggies, chicken, and lots of things (in olive oil) and I still managed to lose weight. We need some good fat in our diet...I thought that was common diet knowledge?

Also last night: the contestants were talking about what fruits they could have and apparently bananas are off limits. Sigh. How silly. Yes, bananas aren't as low fat as some other fruits, but if you are grabbing a banana instead of a Little Debbie treat for your snack, I'd say you're doing pretty good. You will lose weight and be healthier. Period. Should you eat five bananas a day? No. Again...MODERATION!

Why on earth are they setting such ridiculous restrictions? No one watching this show is going to think to themselves 'Oh, how easy this looks...I can totally do this!' No...they are going to say how they never could stick to that many rules, that many foods off limits.

Listen, you don't have to order salads every time you go out to eat. Just use your head and order wisely. Watch your portion sizes. Try to balance out your day --- if you eat some mashed potatoes or pepperoni pizza or whatever, just eat lighter at the next meal. And for goodness sakes, don't get so caught up in which fruits/veggies are better, just eat lots of fruits and veggies!

I guess my main point is that you've got to find a lifestyle you can live with forever and frankly I don't think there are many people who could keep that up...which is why so many previous Biggest Loser contestants gained a bunch of weight back eventually. If you can do it Bob and Jillian's way, more power to you! Me? I have to have an easy, maintainable, REALISTIC way of eating or I'll just proceed to gain weight all over again.

Oh, and don't even get me started on the Biggest Loser's take on workouts! :) Perhaps I'll talk about that another day.

It's all a blur...and a ton of self-doubt

Just wanted to say thank you again for all the congrats over the weekend. :) It was very sweet and I appreciate all the love!

That said...I felt a bit guilty every time I read one of the comments...because I was eating terribly all weekend! Figures, right?

We had pizza, pizza, pizza, due to college football on Saturday and our kiddo's birthday party on Sunday. I'm still sticking to cheese pizza only...so it totally doesn't matter that I had a combined total of seven pieces of pizza over the weekend! Oh, and there may have been cake. And I MAY have eaten three slices of said cake. But really, who can remember such details?

I should probably mention the mass quantities of chips and salsa I consumed as well, but they were baked tortilla chips...so they don't count, right? ;)

All sarcasm aside, it wasn't the healthiest eating I've ever done, to say the least. The good thing is that I've already gotten the grocery shopping done for the week and we're good to go with tons of healthy food to get me back on track.

Can I be completely honest? I am stressed to the gills about gaining all the weight back! I bagged up the rest of my big clothes last night (a HUGE bag of stuff...I am running on empty here!) and as I realized I've given away at least ten pairs of perfectly wonderful jeans...I was filled with fear. If I gain weight again I'll have to go spend a ton of money to replace all that stuff. I still haven't come up with the money to buy things to fit me NOW! Ugh. Fear, fear, fear.

Let's face it, we've all read blogs where someone has lost weight only to gain it all back. I've read a TON of blogs like that. What is going to stop me from following suit? It's not like I personally haven't been down that road before myself...losing a bit, gaining it back and then some. I've done it MANY times! Oh sure, I know what I have to do to keep it from happening...but honestly? It's completely exhausting to think of keeping this up forever.

Ah well. One day at a time, right? Truly, I think that is the key. Having this blog helps, too. Reading back over the first couple of months, reminding myself what worked and what didn't, ect. Pressing on through this stinking doubt and fear. Trying to enjoy TODAY and not stressing about tomorrow.

Truly, I am very much still a work in progress!

Saturday Morning Weigh-In

Weight this morning: 122 lbs
Loss this week: 1.6 lbs

GOAL! :)

Thank goodness. The tiny little losses and not getting anywhere was wearing me out! I actually wanted to get to my goal by Wednesday Sept. 30th (my daughters birthday) but this is fine. Close enough!

Interesting fact: Tomorrow marks exactly six months since I started this journey...it was April 4th. If you'd have told me back then that it would take me six whole months to get to my goal, I'd have quit. I'd have thought I'd never keep it up that long, so why try. Seriously!

Just goes to show that we so often sell ourselves short. It's so easy to believe in and support others, so hard to have confidence in ourselves. Let's all repeat to ourselves: I CAN DO IT! I'M STRONGER THAN I THINK I AM. (You are)

So, the focus this week is on maintenance and toning. I've finally upped my workouts again (and lost weight again...coincidence? Don't think so! Get those workouts in!!) so I really need to keep them up and of course continue to focus on healthy foods and snacks.

Thanks so much for walking with me and encouraging me on this journey. You guys are awesome!

It's not ALL good

So over the weekend I saw many members of my family for the first time in a while and everyone was pretty impressed with my weight loss and making comments to me all day. The day I've been looking so forward to! Did I enjoy it when it got here? Nope. Not one bit!

I know it sounds stupid, but I felt so incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. I really just wanted everyone to stop and kept changing the subject. I totally hate attention in ANY situation, frankly. Also, I have this HUGE fear now of gaining all the weight back now that everyone thinks I'm thin. (My father in law made the comment to me a while back that I should keep all my fat clothes for when I need them again...I always wonder now who else is thinking that!)

But the biggest reason I hated it is that my sister was there (it was her house, her daughter's shower) and she is feeling funny about my weight loss. We were both the 'big' sisters in the family and were always tried to lose weight together (and kept failing together...but it was okay because we were both in the same boat) until this time when I kept going and she didn't. I felt so awful that her husband was complementing me and making comments to her about how 'she can do it, too' in front of everyone. Ugh.

She made a comment (in front of a crowd) about how I did it because I'm at home full-time and she can't do it because she is working full-time and looked at me to confirm it. I totally lied and said yes, that's why I could do it and she can't. I 100% don't really believe that (anyone can simply count calories and workout 30 minutes a day three days a week...no matter how busy) but I just really wanted to 'have her back' -- know what I mean?? I know I should totally tell her that she can do this but I feel so bad. I've tried to give her tips before but I feel like it's pushy or judgmental or something. Sigh. It's so hard to know what to do.

How weird that losing weight is both a happy and difficult thing all at once! I'm happy with how I look now and I love knowing exactly what sizes to buy, ect. but I'm also struggling with guilt and fear and insecurities like never before! In a weird way, it was easier before. I had clothes that fit, I had a sister who felt more connected with me, I was never the object of any attention whatsoever, I could eat whatever I wanted, ect.

I guess when it's all said and done, I am proud of myself and I'm still glad I did it...but honestly I can't wait till people just see me as 'me' again.