So over the weekend I saw many members of my family for the first time in a while and everyone was pretty impressed with my weight loss and making comments to me all day. The day I've been looking so forward to! Did I enjoy it when it got here? Nope. Not one bit!
I know it sounds stupid, but I felt so incredibly uncomfortable the whole time. I really just wanted everyone to stop and kept changing the subject. I totally hate attention in ANY situation, frankly. Also, I have this HUGE fear now of gaining all the weight back now that everyone thinks I'm thin. (My father in law made the comment to me a while back that I should keep all my fat clothes for when I need them again...I always wonder now who else is thinking that!)
But the biggest reason I hated it is that my sister was there (it was her house, her daughter's shower) and she is feeling funny about my weight loss. We were both the 'big' sisters in the family and were always tried to lose weight together (and kept failing together...but it was okay because we were both in the same boat) until this time when I kept going and she didn't. I felt so awful that her husband was complementing me and making comments to her about how 'she can do it, too' in front of everyone. Ugh.
She made a comment (in front of a crowd) about how I did it because I'm at home full-time and she can't do it because she is working full-time and looked at me to confirm it. I totally lied and said yes, that's why I could do it and she can't. I 100% don't really believe that (anyone can simply count calories and workout 30 minutes a day three days a week...no matter how busy) but I just really wanted to 'have her back' -- know what I mean?? I know I should totally tell her that she can do this but I feel so bad. I've tried to give her tips before but I feel like it's pushy or judgmental or something. Sigh. It's so hard to know what to do.
How weird that losing weight is both a happy and difficult thing all at once! I'm happy with how I look now and I love knowing exactly what sizes to buy, ect. but I'm also struggling with guilt and fear and insecurities like never before! In a weird way, it was easier before. I had clothes that fit, I had a sister who felt more connected with me, I was never the object of any attention whatsoever, I could eat whatever I wanted, ect.
I guess when it's all said and done, I am proud of myself and I'm still glad I did it...but honestly I can't wait till people just see me as 'me' again.