Spent a bit of time in prayer, just asking for God to grab me and hold on tight. Show me. Teach me. Help me. But most of all, hold me.
Read an online devotional that was so spot on, it's scary. Helped. A little.
Yesterday brought a panic attack for unrelated issues. Still feeling off today. How I wish this part of me would just get better. I hate who it makes me. I hate the thoughts that aren't mine. I hate feeling that dark.
Thought: I'm not sure anymore that I can be a Christian AND go to church. Weird, but I'm contemplating it nonetheless. So much of modern day American Christianity seems very wrong to me, and the farther I get from the mindset that surrounds it, the closer to God I sometimes feel.
Avoiding another outing with my family tonight. Feeling very alone.