Saturday morning weigh in

Well, today I weighed in at 137.3, so I didn't lose anything and I'm even up a tenth of a pound. Boooo.

I have a few semi-valid excuses I could throw down, but I won't. When it comes right down to it, I only worked out three times this past week and I had way too many bad meals, those things are my fault and I own it.

So, here's to another week of trying to do better. My daughter goes back to school on Tuesday, so we'll see if that HELPS my cause or HURTS it. (It's very stressful for me, so hurting it is entirely possible!) Oh, and this week is the worst of my PMS for the month, so good times. (not) I'll try not to eat myself into a coma and do SOMETHING, no matter how small, to get a workout everyday and see if it helps.   

Saturday morning weigh in

Weight this morning: 137.2
Weight last week: 143
Lost 5.8 pounds! :)

So excited about this. I know it gets harder from here, but I'm just glad that the efforts of this past week added up to something, or I'd have maybe given up. Hoping to lose another two pounds this upcoming week. 

Saturday norning weigh-in

Decided to weigh in on a whim this morning. 143. Yikes. That is a full TWENTY pounds up from my lowest! 

Time to get serious. I am actually ashamed of how I let it get this bad. Eating peanut m&ms again (a lot!), cupcakes, chips, Doritos, YOU NAME IT. It is shameful. I have been very spotty with working out, too. I'm in a wicked down cycle and it's showing in my weight, for sure. 

So frustrated with myself.

Church yesterday

Well, I decided to go to church yesterday for the first time in a few weeks. BIG mistake. I just ended up having this running dialog in my head, countering some of what is being preached and remembering Bible verses that countered others he mentioned, and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't turn it off.

The biggest question here for me is: Should I even be trying to turn it off? 

Here's the thing. One of the lessons I've been taught as a Christian is to silence doubt. Not to question anything in the Bible. That the questions in my head are no doubt put there by the devil, so to entertain them is wrong. Just go to the Bible for 'truth' and replace all doubt with faith.

Only...that isn't sitting right with me anymore. (Did it ever? I don't know.) What I do know is that constantly shutting down my own thoughts and feelings has become what feels like self-brainwashing. Constantly going against what FEELS right for what I'm TOLD is right feels wrong. I feel like I'm having to choose between being true to myself or being true to God, and I know I'm supposed to choose Him, but why does that feel so wrong?

So anyway, about halfway through the sermon he hit a note that was just one too far for me to handle so I went out to the car and proceeded to have a chat with God. Not that I got any answers, mind you. I never do. Then I tried not to make a big deal out of it to my family, but of course eventually I ended up making comments to both of them separately, and they both got mad at me. Sigh.

I just don't want my daughter to be PROGRAMMED. I want her to CHOOSE this, if it's what she wants, but also to be fully informed. I also want her to be strong enough to question what she's taught, to weigh it within herself, to not just regurgitate what she hears from other people. To not only HAVE a belief, but to be able to articulate why she believes it, and able to defend it with more than just 'that's what I was taught' or whatever. Not to swallow every word that is ever served to her, but to examine both herself and the word and decide what she finds palatable. 

But. To say these things to her sounds like I'm trying to program her to MY way of thinking, and that's wrong, too. So what to do? I don't know. I do know that I'm going to just have to shut up about it though. I don't want to upset her, or take away her faith. And my husband is over it, too. He is frustrated with me, to say the least. 

So I guess I'll try to keep my thoughts to myself, or put them here. In the meantime, I have to decide what to do about attending church. I wanted to go in the name of family unity, but it might end up doing more harm than good.

introduction to my doubt

To start I'll say that I am pretty much all the way over into agnostic territory these days. I still believe that there is a God and I'm holding onto that belief with both hands. However, I honestly don't think I can be considered a Christian any longer. It's not that I don't believe in Jesus, I'm just not sure what He did or for whom, but what I do know is that I pretty much don't believe in the bible itself anymore...and can you really be a Christian if you don't follow the Bible?

I could go on and on about why and one day maybe I will, but mostly I'll just say that I no longer believe the 'divine inspiration, infallible word of God' aspect of the bible. I now believe it was written by very infallible men and then translated over and over by very infallible (and perhaps even corrupt) men with political and cultural agenda

(And don't even get me started on how I think many churches ACT like they feel the same way...picking and choosing what to follow and what to throw out. Another post for another time, perhaps!)
 
As for the gospel and Jesus, as much as it pains me to say this: I don't know. I just don't.  I WANT to know and believe, I'm just not sure. Right now there is very little ground under my feet (do you know what i mean by that?) and I haven't been able to get my head around Jesus and who I think he was or what I think he did quite yet.

What I do believe is that God, in whatever form He exists, HAS GOT TO BE far, far bigger than any religion could possibly begin to conceive or imagine. Once I allowed myself to openly study different aspects of the universe, it became clearer that Christianity's version of God (or ANY earthly religion's view of him) is tiny. Small. Earth focused. Very rigid and very, very limited by our own constructed religion and beliefs. I feel like we've created our version of God BASED on what the Bible says, instead of allowing Him to be whatever He is based on WHAT HE ACTUALLY IS. 

At any rate, a lot has changed within me, or maybe its just that I've finally admitted what has always been there, just beneath the surface. Many people would probably say that I must have never been saved in the first place, and maybe they are right. Truth be told, I've been a doubter since early childhood, always asking my mom questions on how we could possibly know our way was the right way and all the others had it wrong. So, maybe I never truly committed myself to Christianity, I don't know. I know that I truly felt like I did. I sincerely tried. I cried out to God repeatedly in desperation to know Him, to find Him, for the faith to believe more times than I can count. I've lain face-down on my bedroom floor crying out to Him over and over again. I've participated in Bible study after Bible study, read book after book, fasted and prayed, gone to church for years. Yet, here I am, filled with more doubt than faith.

Those who believe in predestination would say I am just not one of the elect. Honestly, if the Bible really is true then I can actually buy into this one. I just don't get it as easily and naturally as the Christians I see around me. I can't just embrace faith and shut off the questions and doubts. Never have been able to do that, no matter how hard I tried. So...maybe I just wasn't chosen by God to be saved. I don't know.

What I do know is that I can't pretend anymore and I can't simply silence what is screaming inside of me to get out any longer. And PLEASE know that this isn't something I take lightly. I have struggled and wrestled and mentally beaten myself bloody trying to hold onto my faith. I WANT to believe. I've begged and pleaded with God time and time again to give me the faith to believe. I WANT to just keep going and ignore this. I WANT to make things simpler and just fall back into the patterns of my faith. 

I just don't know how. 
 

Warning...

So, here's the deal. I want to have a place to write about the religious angsty stuff going on with me and I've wanted to be able to freely do it here, but didn't want to offend anyone. I've kept it all inside for so long that I feel like I'm going to BURST and desperately need to let it OUT. So, I just tried for like an hour to figure out how to make a separate page here so that you can only read the religious stuff if you want to, but apparently blogger stinks and it isn't that easy. SO. I'm just going to do it here and ask that you go easy on me. Also, I DO NOT want to upset anyone by what I say, or have my words make anyone else start to struggle in their own faith. This is a horrible thing that I am going through and the LAST thing I ever want to do it drag someone else down with me. If you need to stop reading here, I totally understand.

I guess that is a disclaimer for whatever is to follow. 

You've been warned. ;-)

(Of course if the past is any indicator of future behavior I'll probably not post here for another two or three months, so yeah. Whatever.) 

:)
 

Saturday morning weigh in

135.
Yes, I'm frustrated.
Yes, I could be trying harder, it is my own fault.
Here's to a better week...

Randomness

*I completely forgot to weigh in this morning, which is no doubt a blessing because this week was absolutely HORRIBLE on the eating side, with no exercise whatsoever. I should be ashamed. :)

*I want so badly to be able to talk about the ongoing spiritual journey in my life...but I just don't seem capable of translating thoughts into words in this area...or maybe I'm just not ready, I don't know. The one thing I will say: Once the first domino falls, the rest inevitably come down, whether you want them to or not. 

*Spring may have actually (finally!) sprung. THANK GOODNESS. My depression is 100x worse in the winter and holy cow, did it go on for what seemed like forever this year! If only my anxiety would minimize as well...sigh.

*My daughter is just a few weeks away from finishing up her freshman year of high school! (WOW. I'm just so old.) This year nearly killed us all, as her school is intentionally highly rigorous and difficult (and she had multiple extracurricular activities on top of that) but she has rocked it. None if it came easily, mind you. She had to fight tooth and nail in every class, on each assignment and on every test, which makes her success an even bigger accomplishment, in my opinion. Sorry, I could brag on and on here, I am just so stinking proud of her. She's a really good girl. :)

*However, I'll be honest. Parenting a teenage girl--even a good one---is, well, lets just say it's an adventure.  ;)

Well, I guess that's it. All I've got today. Now get out there and enjoy this springtime!  :)

Saturday morning weigh in, resurrected

Weigh in: 134.6
Loss of:  3.4

Hm. Seems unlikely. I didn't have a ton of water yesterday, maybe I'm dehydrated? At any rate, there it is. I will probably go up again in a day or two.

Not going to lie though, it does make me want to keep going, seeing a smaller number already. :)

This winter has not been kind to my hips!

Veering back into weight-loss territory...

So, I just got home from Kohls, where I had hoped to use my 20% off coupon to buy a couple of clearance spring/summer tops. Well, that didn't happen. NOTHING fit properly. I am horrified by how terrible I looked in every single thing I put on. I haven't weighed in for quite some time, but I'm guessing I'm up BIG time. (I know I should just bite the bullet and get on the scales, but I am in full scale avoidance mode right now!) 

EDIT: I weighed in after I posted this: 138. Still what it was before the holidays, but for some reason I look bigger than I did then. Whatever, it is what it is. 13 pounds to goal. 

It is all my fault and I knew it was coming. I've slacked majorly when it comes to working out, I've been snacking endlessly, I'm even back to munching my old nemesis peanut M&Ms, I'm not drinking enough water, I'm not practicing portion control, I'm eating whatever I want whenever I want, and so on. Just no discipline whatsoever, heck, I'm not even trying.

My first instinct is to go WAAAY in the other direction and barely eat anything, but the past has proven that doesn't work for me long term so...I suppose I'm back to calorie counting. (UGH)  I also need to get back on that treadmill, but with me eating is the biggest key to going back down, so that's where I will focus the bulk of my attention for now.

I think I'm going to try the approach of small, frequent meals all day and then portion control at dinner. Also, I might be talking about this here, not sure yet. Right now it seems like a good idea, it worked before, but I also know that blogging regularly isn't my strong point! :)  If anyone does SparkPeople and wants to follow along with me there, just let me know!