Yeah, I've been gone awhile again. Here's the thing...if I posted regularly all my blog posts would be the same thing: struggling, depressed, hopeless, wait! I feel a ray of hope, nope, it's gone, hopeless again, eating, not working out, stressed, worked out!, ate ice cream afterward, jeans tight, why even try, bored, bored, nothing going on, something happened that is bad, something else bad, woe is me, bored again, stressed...
See what I mean? Who wants to read that garbage? So I just don't post and after awhile I forget this little blog exists. Sorry.
Updates. Well, down cycles galore, obviously, helped along by some inadvertent hurtful comments made by my two sisters. (Another post, perhaps) Stress out the you-know-where, thanks to a major schooling decision that needs to be made for my daughter for next year, and non-stop wondering of what I'll do if I'm not homeschooling anymore. (PANIC!) Yet more stress, due to an almost comical series of everything falling apart at once: my van breaking down YET AGAIN only now it is in two different areas at the same time, our sewage system keeps backing up YET AGAIN and obviously in need of major (and crazy expensive) repairs, and our roof sprung a new and rather impressive leak during the 2nd rainiest November ever!
(UGH. Money doesn't buy happiness, but it can surely make life a bit easier, I dare say!)
Surprisingly, I'm not really freaking out. Oh, I don't feel GOOD about any of this junk, but I guess all of the hard times over the years have smoothed out my rough edges just a hair. Enough that I just keep plugging away without the ugly panic attack that used to accompany each event I mentioned above. Now? I pick up the phone, call Hubby, and find a way to deal. Hm. Guess God really is using the bad stuff to bring out some good. Whatdoyaknow! ;-)
As for weight stuff, I'm still holding around 130. I have good days and bad ones, nothing terribly consistent yet, which is hindering my progress for sure. At least I feel like I've stopped the upward climb, so there's that. I'm actually suspicious that I might have an ongoing thyroid issue, which I will get checked out after the first of the year. In the meantime, I know I have to at least force myself to walk everyday, which has actually gotten to be a struggle. I don't know what on earth is happening to my joints, specifically my right hip, but something is NOT right there and I'm having a lot of pain and some days I struggle getting around. You know what? Getting old stinks!
This is just a wonderfully uplifting post, is it not? (Um, NOT) See why I stay away? I'm just so grumpy! I will add a couple of GOOD things going on right now. This month we finished paying for the kiddo's braces! What a blessing that is, let me tell you. And right now I'm working on an online Bible study over the book of James and it has really been like a warm blanket around my shoulders. Despite all my struggles with church life, there's still a connection to God that I SO need right now. So yay for blessings amidst the storms. :)
Well, I just wanted to pop in and say hey, and now I'll be on my way. Maybe I'll be back soon, maybe not. Just in case I'm not back soon: MERRY CHRISTMAS! 
Sorry guys. I'm still all messed up, now firmly entrenched in a down cycle. Ugh. All the negative thoughts and hopelessness that goes along will it can wear you out, let me tell you! I thought if I could get through my monthly time that it would get better, but nope, still here. SO, now my plan is just to try to walk on the treadmill a few times this week and see if the exercise will act as a natural antidepressant. Fingers crossed.
Speaking of treadmill and needing to walk on it...I weighed in on Sunday and wow. I'm officially up 10 pounds! I have GOT to get a handle on my snacking. My meals aren't really that big of a problem for the most part, but I've definitely become a snack monster the past 3 or 4 months and it has certainly contributed to that ten pounds. I MUST try to get a grip. Truthfully, I'm not feeling 100% motivated to go back to counting calories or anything that drastic, but if I don't turn this around again soon, I'm going to have to do it because some of my clothes are not fitting right anymore! I've been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last month.
I know what to do....now it's time to actually do it, which is frankly the hard part, isn't it? Sadly, being in a down cycle means I want to fill up on comfort food all day long, so I'm fighting an uphill battle right now honestly. I keep telling myself at least my diet/exercise is perhaps the one thing in my life I can sort of control, so there's that, right?
Well, that's where I am right now, in a nutshell.
I have really been trying to post regularly again, but sadly I've hit a bit of an emotional down cycle right now and it's given me blog-block. I just some really crappy life circumstances that seemingly will never end and I'm feeling absolutely tormented by the whole thing right now. It's so hard to think of stuff to write here about, since I'm spending a great deal of time and effort just trying to plow through this (once again!) without imploding.
Please, please whisper a prayer for me, if you're so inclined. Oh, I know that I'll eventually bounce back emotionally, but there's this part inside of me that I can feel dying and it is breaking my heart. Not to mention the life circumstances at the root of this problem desperately need to change, and it is abundantly clear that it will take nothing less than God's intervention. I am powerless and I feel so, so hopeless.
By the way, I disabled comments on this post, because I'm so not trolling for attention or trying to stir up drama. I just need to know someone is taking up this battle with me, even for a second. I have no one in 'real' life' where I live that I can turn to when I need support, so coming here and asking for your prayers is such a big thing. I really hope you know how much you guys mean to me.
Be back soon...
Sorry I haven't been posting much this week, I've been feeling a bit under the weather. It's a weird sinus thing...my nose isn't really that congested but my entire face and one side of my jaw hurts so bad that its really distracting, and I just feel pretty yucky overall. At any rate, I've been just laying low most of the week, only doing the bare minimum to get through each day. (No, workouts have not made that cut. Sorry, but being upright hurts!)
The only thing new this week is that my daughter's volleyball team finally lost a game on Tuesday (they were like 9-0 before that) and it was so upsetting for her! She cried off and on for like 2-3 hours, it was so sad. She so wanted to get through the season with a perfect record. She spent hours picking apart her own game, even though the few mistakes she made weren't the reason they lost. She made herself miserable instead of just realizing losses happen and moving forward.
I was really surprised to find that I wasn't too upset over the loss. Her team used to be so bad that they only won one game the first year, but they've improved so much over the past couple of years that now they've forgotten how to lose. In their minds, they became invincible. Me? I think balance is good. Losing means learning to properly deal with disappointment and it also adds a nice, healthy dose of humility.
Hmmmm. Betcha that can translate over to our lives, right? It's no secret that I often struggle because of God not answering our prayers and therefore allowing both big and small losses in our lives....but then I remember that when everything is awesome we tend to cruise along on 'us' power. We forget how helpless and dependent on God we really are! We sometimes lose our humility and our focus turns to the physical instead of the spiritual. We forget we're in a battle. We forget there is more to life than what we can see.
So, perhaps we need to be thankful for the losses in life, even though they definitely don't feel good and they tend to make us cry. Balance is good, and God surely knows that better than we do. Of course, this only works when we allow the loss to turn our attention back to God. Spending too much time focusing on ourselves (like my daughter was doing) only adds to the misery and replays the loss over and over in our heads.
Well, what do you know? Even through the grossness and inactivity of my week, God taught me a little lesson. So tell me...are there any losses recently in your life that have turned out to be blessings in disguise?
Well, I am officially the parent of a teenager...my daughter turned 13 on Friday. I like to tease her that it doesn't feel any different to be a teenager to her, simply because she's been acting the part for years! :)
It was a quiet weekend for the most part. We took the birthday girl to dinner Friday at Red Robin (I didn't get my own meal, just shared a bit of each of theirs) and went shopping for boots, her requested gift from us. She ended up finding some really cute ones at Kohls, which is one of my favorite stores but not the cheapest place in the world! I almost got sucked in to shopping myself, but luckily the hour was late so I came home empty handed. I seriously need to drag myself off to the second hand store soon though, to rid myself of this fall-clothes shopping bug! :)
On Saturday my mom came for a visit (yay!) and we went to the kiddo's volleyball game (they're still undefeated, but it was a super-close call!), out to lunch at Panera (I didn't do very good there, so moving on...), and then shopping once again! Saturday night my husband and kiddo went out of town to see my bro-in-law and his kids, but I stayed home and had a quiet evening to myself. There wasn't really any food in the house so I totally skipped dinner, but then proceeded to eat almost an entire bag of baked Lays later. When will I learn to keep the house stocked with good food and not to let myself get that hungry? Sigh.
Sunday morning there was a bit (okay, a lot) of mama-induced ugly drama (I was oddly super-hormonal feeling but it isn't at the right time of the month...peri-menopause rearing it's ugly head again, perhaps?) and I ended up staying home from church. After some quiet time, a few apologies, and a Chinese food lunch (kid sized, I'm making an effort), I was back on track though! The rest of the day was spent at home waiting for craigslist people who never showed (for FREE stuff...really, people?) and Hubs painted a new (to us, that is) dresser for the kiddo. (It turned out so amazing, by the way! Crazy what ten bucks worth of spray paint can do to a $30 dresser.)
Sadly, I didn't do my normal Sunday afternoon grocery run though, so now the cupboards are bare and that doesn't bode well for healthy eating until I finally do drag myself shopping. Not that it matters much, with two volleyball games (Tues and Thurs) and also church on Wednesday, we will rarely be eating home cooking this week. This schedule is killing my diet. Thankfully, it'll all be done in a month, and then I vow to get the healthy home cooking back to normal. Nothing like two months of scarfing junk food in the car to make you crave baked chicken and salads! :)
The sun is out finally after a couple of weeks of raining almost non-stop, so it's time to get the bikes out and go enjoy some exercise mixed with the beautiful fall colors! I'm so looking forward to it, if only we can find the time. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and can find time to enjoy the fall weather this week, too!
Because I'm having a hard time remembering when to weigh in, I did a random one this morning and I think I'll just do random weigh ins for awhile and see how it goes. Why not, right? :)
My weight is still basically the same as it was earlier this month...no surprise there. You see, I've recently discovered these cheap mini-chocolate chip cookies that I love from the dollar store and also these things called Cheese-it Duos that really rocked my world. Binge city, baby. Oh, and this week was PMS week around these parts and I haven't worked out once. I suck as a weight loss blogger.
Oh well. Moving on. :)
So, I was poking around the internet the last couple of days, just looking for opinions on Harry Potter (yep, still not decided on that) and I must say that I am extremely surprised by how many things I do or believe that certain websites and/or bloggers say will send me straight to hell. Oh, I've always known I'm not a cookie-cutter Christian, but now I'm just flat shocked my own heathen-ness! :)
For example, we have a Christmas tree. Every single year! And, we decorate it and everything. Oh, and are you ready for this one? We used to take our daughter trick or treating. And we even passed out candy...ON HALLOWEEN of all nights!
We own a TV. (Okay, okay, we own several TVs, you got me!) My husband and I sometimes watch rated R movies after the kiddo has gone to bed. We listen to secular music in the car sometimes, you know, when we get tired of hearing the same 15 songs on kLove. We even think partaking in a bit of an alcoholic beverage every now and then is okay. (Am I losing you yet?)
We go to church on Sundays and not Saturdays, which is apparently the true sabbath day. (Oops!) We don't read the King James version of the Bible. (Okay, my hubby does, but he's a freak like that.) I even read The Message version sometimes!
We let our daughter swim with boys. We don't homeschool with a Christian curriculum. We are even considering pubic school! We don't wear dresses everyday or cover our heads with a scarf. We don't believe all Catholics automatically go straight to hell. Or all liberals. We don't believe Obama is the anti-christ, even if we don't like his policies very much.
We use contraception. We only have one child. (On purpose!) I don't read my Bible everyday. I sometimes eat without remembering to pray first. I laugh at mildly inappropriate jokes on the internet. I haven't read the Left Behind book series. I don't forward chain emails of any kind...especially ones with 'messages from God' in them.
We don't go door to door evangelizing and we don't picket abortion clinics. I don't hate gay people. Every once in a while my husband buys me a dollar scratch off lottery ticket while he's paying for gas...just because he gets a kick out of me furiously scratching it off and hoping I win. (I never have. Coincidence? I think not!)
I think it is perfectly fine for a Christian to have a tattoo and even a body piercing. Just not me. Cause I am really not a fan of pain.
We skip church every few months. Our daughter doesn't go to Sunday school class very often. I sometimes even wear flip flops to church. (Don't freak out...they are my 'fancy' flip flops!)
Yeah, I'm having a bit of fun with all of this but it all seriousness...these are things I've read online that some say make me a HORRIBLE Christian, if I am even a Christian at all. Can I tell you something? Reading those things honestly doesn't inspire me to try harder to meet the standard...they inspire me to give up trying at all! Why do we continually place so many hardships onto those trying to follow God the best way they know how?
I truly hope I haven't offended you or made you feel silly if you feel strongly about any of the things I mentioned. If you hold tight to those beliefs, then good for you! I'm not in any way trying to talk you out of what you believe. Holding tight to your convictions is a good thing, and it isn't my intention to take that away from you.
What I'm trying to say here is that I'm sure that I'm doing a bunch of stuff that God isn't too impressed with most days. Things that add zero value or virtue to my life. I'm not anywhere even remotely close to doing this thing called Christianity right. Truth be told, most days I'm barely making it through this life in one piece, just trying desperately to hold onto God in the midst of one trial or another. If I'm missing the mark on the details, and I'm sure I am, I'm hoping beyond hope that He forgives me and understands.
If not, I have a LOT of explaining to do. :)
Question: What are your thoughts on the Harry Potter books?
I am just finishing up the first book in the series to see if I think it's appropriate for my almost 13 year old daughter, and frankly, I was surprised at how much I liked it. I didn't think the magic was any worse than any other fantasy book out there...but honestly I don't know if I trust my own judgment on this, because I tend to not be super-strict about this sort of thing. I keep thinking of how I watched Bewitched as a child (even though I was very sheltered from many other things such as secular music, ect) and I turned out just fine...
So, I'm just coming to you guys for your opinions and/or advice. Have you read the books? Have you let your kids read the books, and if so, at what ages? Why or why not?
Just a quick update on the diet and weight loss side of things.
Nothing has changed.
How's that for a quick update? :)
Treadmill only twice this week, but they were both good workouts. If we don't go to the drive-in tonight I might get a workout in, if not I'll grab one tomorrow between football games. Diet is still both good and bad. Far too many carbs, I'll tell you that. I am starting to be more mindful of what I'm putting in my mouth again...but sadly there are times when I just don't care. My clothes still fit, so there's that, but they are admittedly getting a bit, um, snug. Now that jeans are back, I have no choice but to drop five to ten pounds so they aren't so tight that they hurt a bit when I sit down! :)
All in all, I think I'm heading in the right direction. Oh, I'm not back to the grind just yet but I am clawing my way back to the mindset, and sometimes that is half the battle!
I want to take a mintute to just say that I really do love my current church. In the comments of previous posts I tried to clear this up a bit, because I think I implied at some point that I hate going to church, but that isn't really what I meant. My problems with American Christianity come mostly from personal experience in two past churches and a LOT of mainstream television/book preachers. My own church isn't perfect of course, but for the most part it is awesome and I am happy there.
When I was speaking of the American version of Christianity, or the church of 'me' as I sometimes say, what I meant was the theology you hear a lot these days: that God exists to serve us, to make us happy and make our lives easy. Even though no one really comes out and says it like this, it's pretty much taught that we pray to give God His marching orders and He does what we tell Him to do. You know, like a genie in a bottle, He is there to do our bidding. The message you hear often is that God wants us to be rich! God wants us all to have fancy cars and better jobs, and a nice McMansion on a hill...we never have to be sick, we never need to struggle, even the best parking spots will be ours...all we need to do us plug into God!
Can you hear the voice of a certain TV pastor saying all of these things? Not naming names...but maybe you know who I'm thinking of...
Sigh. I could go on and on about the various things taught and those who are teaching it. The TV pastors aren't even as bad as our old churches were, however. They taught if you pray the right prayers (over time even getting to the point of saying you don't actually ask God, you just remind Him of His promises and TELL Him to deliver on them...if you actually 'ask' then it shows a lack of faith), if you have the right amount of faith (because even the slightest doubt means no goodies for you!), if you are in the right church (which was theirs, of course), if you speak aloud the right scriptures over yourself and your life (very magical, almost incantation type stuff), if you worship with the right amount of volume and intensity...then God will HAVE TO bless you and give you this almost perfect life. You'll be the head and not the tail. Above and not beneath. The windows of heaven open with blessings ($$$) pouring down. All you had to do was figure out the right 'formula' for spiritual success and all this can be yours!
Ugh. There is so much more, but you get the idea, I think.
Even though I've been out of that mess for a couple of years now, I am frankly still so messed up by it all. I was so brainwashed that I still cringe when I say the word 'sick' out loud, for fear of bringing the curse of sickness onto myself. (Yes, they believe that. If you say "I have supernatural health" despite how you feel, you will be healthy. If you say "I feel a bit sick" then you'll be sick. How did I not see the witchcraft of it all?) The entire message of these churches is what God will DO for you and that if you struggle or have any hardships, well, then YOU did something wrong. (How did I miss the many verses that say we WILL have troubles?) A real Christian who has real faith should simply be rich, healthy, constantly full of joy and peace, and that was that.
Mind you, they even have scriptures to back their message up (mostly taken completely out of context, I now know) which really makes the Bible hard to read even after you stop believing the way they do! I still to this day find myself filtering my Bible reading through their theology and it is infuriating. Especially when I see that, in context, these verses sometimes mean the complete opposite of what I was taught! One day I'll blog about this specifically. You'd be shocked at how they twist and distort the Word of God.
Sigh. This is getting too long. Maybe I shouldn't try to say this all at once.
Basically what I want is a Christianity that focuses on not only seeking God Himself (and not just what He can do for me) but also on how I can best serve HIM. Helping others, placing their needs above my own, sacrificial living, not trying to have the most prosperous material life, but the most prosperous spiritual life. Not treating hardships as un-christian, but realizing they are actually a big part of actually being a Christian! Mindfully humbling myself instead of trying to exalt myself and my needs. Making prayer about a relationship instead of a laundry list of wants and commands.
This is probably something so obvious to you, because you are all already practicing this Christianity, but it something I am struggling to find, mostly due to all those years of false teaching and self-serving gospel. The biggest key is that I have to somehow find a balance. My default since leaving those churches has been to go to the far opposite extreme of what I was taught, which has resulted in a complete failure to have any faith in God to move at all on my behalf. I've been afraid of asking Him for anything, for fear of either 'using' God or being disappointed by Him not moving on my behalf at all.
You see, the theology of 'THY will be done' is something I was never really taught, so I'm having to find my way to it myself. Sovereignty is another message they stayed far away from, as it doesn't fit with the 'my faith and my words decide what God will do in my life' message. That's why when things don't go the way I think they should go...my spirituality suffers. I was taught that since God's word says we are healed, then by-golly if I 'speak' healing over my body GOD WILL HAVE TO HEAL IT. Unanswered prayers have no place in this theology.
Why can't I seem to wrap this up already? The biggest thing I wanted to say was that my current church is not the one messing me up. Sure, there are a couple of areas in which my beliefs differ from the beliefs of my church, but nothing major. They teach the Bible in context, the praise and worship is genuine and spirit-filled, the vision of the church very outward and missions based, they don't teach that God is going to give you a perfect strife-free life or that you simply need to 'speak' a truth into existence and then God is obligated to move on your behalf. They are helping me...but my deep distrust of all things religion just creeps up every now and then and I start to wonder if doing it on my own would be safer. I think with time and a lot more de-programing, I'll be just fine.
Okay, I'm stopping now. I still have more to say, but for goodness sakes this is long. Sorry to go on and on! I'm sure I didn't explain certain things right and I'm sure I'll end up having to clarify, but for now, this is it. Phew.
One more thing. I know that there's a good chance that some of you believe some of the things I scoff at or call false teaching in this post. Please know that I am very much on a journey here. I haven't even come close to figuring any of this out yet. I am probably wrong on way more things than I am right! Bear with me and please don't be offended. My intent is not to down-talk anyone's beliefs or talk anyone out of a certain theology. This is about MY journey and nothing else.
