Just checking in to say that I'm still hanging in there, not giving up like I'd mentioned on weigh in day. (Although I totally made Sunday a massive cheat day, since I was celebrating Mother's Day a week early with my mom and sisters at my favorite Chinese restaurant!)
I'm at a loss as to what to change about what I'm eating. I added more protein and that made for a good loss the first week I did it, but I've been stalled ever since. I'm mostly under calories each day (except the VERY occasional cheat day) so I don't think I'm eating too much. My exercising could be better, averaging only about 3 days a week, but frankly from past experience I've learned my losses come from diet WAY more than exercising.
So. What am I doing wrong??
In all honesty, I know if I added more workouts it wouldn't hurt, so I really should. But I'm lazy. And I hate to workout! I do love walking in the park with my husband in the evenings, but now I'm working evenings all week so that's not happening. (Maybe I'll wake him up early and go in the mornings?) I know I need to add weight training but OH HOW I HATE THAT.
You know, now that I mention weight training, it occurs to me that I'd added that in to my routine by this weight the last time around and I never plateaued like this (for weeks!) back then. Hmmmmm. Well, dangit. I think that is something I need to force myself to do. (Insert me whining: But I don't waaaaaaaant to!)
On a different note, the job is going well, just training so far and for the next 5 weeks, and then after that I'll be in a daytime schedule and I think I'll like that better. I feel like overall I'll enjoy the job and it'll be a good fit for me. It already feels good to contribute money to the family for the first time in almost two decades, and I like having something to do other than the usual house stuff, although I hate being forced to give up doing what I want to do when I want to do it. My daughter is learning to pull her weight more around the house, and that's been long overdue, to be honest. (My fault. Being a stay-at-home mom for 16 years, I just did 99% of what needed to be done because it was my JOB, even though I knew I should be training her to be more independent, I wasn't doing enough in that area.)
Well, that's my update for today. Hopefully the changes I mentioned will actually HAPPEN and I'll see a loss this week for the first time in awhile!
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Sunday morning weigh in
Weight last week: 131.8
Weight today: 132
Gain of .2 lbs
Sigh. I haven't been perfect, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong to be GAINING weight! I'm feeling so frustrated and ready to give up.
Weight today: 132
Gain of .2 lbs
Sigh. I haven't been perfect, but I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong to be GAINING weight! I'm feeling so frustrated and ready to give up.
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Sunday morning weigh-in
Weight last week: 131.6
Weight today: 131.8
Gain of .2 lbs
Yeah, I totally expected that but it still sucks. No big talk today of planning to do better this week. I'm still deep in the pit and I start work tomorrow. Who knows if I'll even make it through the week intact, let alone with a loss.
Saturday, April 25, 2015
A pattern to the madness?
So I'm still in bed and it's past noon. I did get up earlier to shower and change, but then I decided to get right back into bed. Nothing to do today, no one else is home, and I am still deep inside the pit of yucky depression.
Then I started thinking of the last time I was in bed during the day. I hadn't eaten in three days and I was super depressed then, too. So I looked it up here (why this blog is so helpful to me sometimes!) and it was literally one month ago exactly. At the tail end of my period, when I usually get super moody and yucky again. Holy crap, could this be ALL hormones?
Now, both times I had actual circumstantial 'reasons' adding to the depression, things going on in my life that suck and are completely out of my control. However, maybe something hormonal at the end of my period is actually making me incapable of dealing with the problems in a healthy manner? Making everything seem hopeless, huge, and insurmountable?
So...even though I feel like I'm never going to be happy and functional again, maybe it'll pass in a day or so like last time. Ugh. I hate how badly my hormones effect everything about me and the fact that I can't fix this, but at least it isn't everyday. I don't know how people with clinical depression deal with this daily! It is horrible and debilitating.
Side note: I am also feeling like I'm coming down with a cold or something and last night I totally caved and binged on junk food, like I always do when I'm sick. And I ate A LOT. And it's still in the house with me today...so my hopes aren't high for a positive outcome on the scales tomorrow. Oh well, I just don't care too much about that right now, unfortunately. I'm sure I will care tomorrow morning when I see a gain, though!
Then I started thinking of the last time I was in bed during the day. I hadn't eaten in three days and I was super depressed then, too. So I looked it up here (why this blog is so helpful to me sometimes!) and it was literally one month ago exactly. At the tail end of my period, when I usually get super moody and yucky again. Holy crap, could this be ALL hormones?
Now, both times I had actual circumstantial 'reasons' adding to the depression, things going on in my life that suck and are completely out of my control. However, maybe something hormonal at the end of my period is actually making me incapable of dealing with the problems in a healthy manner? Making everything seem hopeless, huge, and insurmountable?
So...even though I feel like I'm never going to be happy and functional again, maybe it'll pass in a day or so like last time. Ugh. I hate how badly my hormones effect everything about me and the fact that I can't fix this, but at least it isn't everyday. I don't know how people with clinical depression deal with this daily! It is horrible and debilitating.
Side note: I am also feeling like I'm coming down with a cold or something and last night I totally caved and binged on junk food, like I always do when I'm sick. And I ate A LOT. And it's still in the house with me today...so my hopes aren't high for a positive outcome on the scales tomorrow. Oh well, I just don't care too much about that right now, unfortunately. I'm sure I will care tomorrow morning when I see a gain, though!
Friday, April 24, 2015
Bad week
Having a bad couple of days. I know it's partially hormones at play, as it is my time of the month, but the depression/anxiety/anger/frustration is so real and overwhelming. I have learned to live relatively okay with just anxiety...that is my daily affliction and I deal with it and function normally (for me, that is!) but when it is accompanied by depression (which luckily isn't everyday, only a few days a month in the spring/summer, more in the winter) I am not able to be myself at all. I am paralyzed and consumed with it. I am less than myself.
Things -- besides hormones -- that are contributing to this yuck right now:
I am so crazy lonely that there are not adequate words to express it. A few times lately I've literally cried in public because my loneliness overwhelms me. I shop with a giant lump in my throat. I eat most of my meals alone. I go hours without speaking every single day. It is lonely.
I am trying to do the right, responsible things in my life and being made out to be the 'bad' guy as a result. It is unfair and frustrating. It makes me want to give up.
I am nervous and apprehensive about starting a job for the first time in almost two decades on Monday. I'm so afraid it'll take away too much family time, compound my own loneliness, cause me to not be available for my daughter and make her feel neglected and lonely herself. I'm messing up her future financial aid in a big way. I have so much guilt over working again.
I'm lately feeling such an anger towards my father, and the fact that he has never been there for me. That I've been abused and neglected instead of 'fathered' in any way in my life and how that makes me feel vulnerable and unworthy and empty of something I know I need. I've carried this anger basically my entire life, but for some reason it's been gnawing at me a bit more recently.
I am struggling to not eat tons of crap to drown out these feelings I'm having. I'm not exercising at all, because depression cripples me, makes me curl up into myself and takes away nearly all of my energy. Just getting through the day exhausts me.
Yeah, this is all depressing and sad and whiny and I really hate that. I hate putting my pathetic-ness on display, even though I leave out 99% of the details. But it is another part of this journey, I suppose, so I am putting it down here, if for no other reason but to look back later and remember why there's a gain this week, assuming there will probably be one.
It's a bad week, but it'll pass.
Things -- besides hormones -- that are contributing to this yuck right now:
I am so crazy lonely that there are not adequate words to express it. A few times lately I've literally cried in public because my loneliness overwhelms me. I shop with a giant lump in my throat. I eat most of my meals alone. I go hours without speaking every single day. It is lonely.
I am trying to do the right, responsible things in my life and being made out to be the 'bad' guy as a result. It is unfair and frustrating. It makes me want to give up.
I am nervous and apprehensive about starting a job for the first time in almost two decades on Monday. I'm so afraid it'll take away too much family time, compound my own loneliness, cause me to not be available for my daughter and make her feel neglected and lonely herself. I'm messing up her future financial aid in a big way. I have so much guilt over working again.
I'm lately feeling such an anger towards my father, and the fact that he has never been there for me. That I've been abused and neglected instead of 'fathered' in any way in my life and how that makes me feel vulnerable and unworthy and empty of something I know I need. I've carried this anger basically my entire life, but for some reason it's been gnawing at me a bit more recently.
I am struggling to not eat tons of crap to drown out these feelings I'm having. I'm not exercising at all, because depression cripples me, makes me curl up into myself and takes away nearly all of my energy. Just getting through the day exhausts me.
Yeah, this is all depressing and sad and whiny and I really hate that. I hate putting my pathetic-ness on display, even though I leave out 99% of the details. But it is another part of this journey, I suppose, so I am putting it down here, if for no other reason but to look back later and remember why there's a gain this week, assuming there will probably be one.
It's a bad week, but it'll pass.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Sunday morning weigh in
Weight last week: 133.6
Weight this morning: 131.6
Loss of 2 lbs
I am so pleased with this loss. I didn't have a bad week or anything, it's actually starting to be 'easy' again, but I'm PMS-ing which usually means water weight/bloat so I wasn't sure if the numbers would be kind to me, especially after a big loss last week. But, they were, and I'm happy with it.
I'm sooooo hoping to see the 120's next weigh in, but now's about the time the loses start slowing so I'm just going to keep plugging and take whatever my body gives me. I'm starting to believe I'll make my goal this time, which is motivating me to keep trying. And it's Spring in these parts, which makes my life 1000x easier and 'lighter' feeling, which helps immensely!
Weight this morning: 131.6
Loss of 2 lbs
I am so pleased with this loss. I didn't have a bad week or anything, it's actually starting to be 'easy' again, but I'm PMS-ing which usually means water weight/bloat so I wasn't sure if the numbers would be kind to me, especially after a big loss last week. But, they were, and I'm happy with it.
I'm sooooo hoping to see the 120's next weigh in, but now's about the time the loses start slowing so I'm just going to keep plugging and take whatever my body gives me. I'm starting to believe I'll make my goal this time, which is motivating me to keep trying. And it's Spring in these parts, which makes my life 1000x easier and 'lighter' feeling, which helps immensely!
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Hormonal complaints
Seriously, why can't someone come up with a cure for PMS? Does anyone else think if men got crazy hormonal once a month they'd have come up with something better than Tylenol and chocolate by now? I am sitting here hugging my trusty heating pad, binge watching Netflix and literally alternating between sobbing and eating. Thankfully, I have all my laundry, housework, shopping, etc. under control for the next day or two so I can just sit here and wallow in my hormones.
But really. A cure would be great.
So far I've managed to not cave into the worst of the cravings, but to be honest I'm not feeling particularly strong about my long term success for the week. ( So far, I've wanted cake, pasta salad, and giant steak sub, and pretty much all of this Easter candy still lying around the house) I am still calculating everything I eat but my days have been closer to the high end of my allowance this week instead of the low end where I like to be. I did do my workouts both Monday and Tuesday so I feel great about that, and I already have yoga pants and a sports bra on under my shirt so that I really have no excuse to skip today, other than this yuck that's upon me and killing my will to do anything other than become one with the furniture.
I am having a hard time even caring about any of it right now because my head is killing me and my cramps are now radiating into my legs. (What is that, anyway? My uterus is up here, cramps!) I can't watch a show without falling apart emotionally and I've been a big ole lump on the sofa for literally hours now. I have more to say but it's so bad that I'm literally losing the will to type...
as...
I....
type.
Sigh.
And I just double checked the spelling of the word 'type' because it looked weird. The hormones have gotten my brain, too.
Hormones are just yuck. That's apparently all I've got today. ;-)
But really. A cure would be great.
So far I've managed to not cave into the worst of the cravings, but to be honest I'm not feeling particularly strong about my long term success for the week. ( So far, I've wanted cake, pasta salad, and giant steak sub, and pretty much all of this Easter candy still lying around the house) I am still calculating everything I eat but my days have been closer to the high end of my allowance this week instead of the low end where I like to be. I did do my workouts both Monday and Tuesday so I feel great about that, and I already have yoga pants and a sports bra on under my shirt so that I really have no excuse to skip today, other than this yuck that's upon me and killing my will to do anything other than become one with the furniture.
I am having a hard time even caring about any of it right now because my head is killing me and my cramps are now radiating into my legs. (What is that, anyway? My uterus is up here, cramps!) I can't watch a show without falling apart emotionally and I've been a big ole lump on the sofa for literally hours now. I have more to say but it's so bad that I'm literally losing the will to type...
as...
I....
type.
Sigh.
And I just double checked the spelling of the word 'type' because it looked weird. The hormones have gotten my brain, too.
Hormones are just yuck. That's apparently all I've got today. ;-)
Sunday, April 12, 2015
Sunday morning weigh in
Weight last week: 136.8
Weight this morning: 133.6
Loss of 3.2 pounds
Well, I'm quite happy to see that loss! I hadn't weighed in all week because I was afraid of seeing more gain, and I had no idea what to expect this morning. I was hoping to at least lose what I'd gained back last week, and I did and then some!
My workouts were abysmal this week, only two of them, but my eating was at or below calories every day except Sunday. Proving once again that while working out certainly helps me, it is what I eat that makes the biggest difference.
Goals this week: Getting my butt working out again, focusing more on protein again since it appears to have made a difference this week, and upping my water since it could definitely be better. Also, this week will be a PMS nightmare, so resisting cravings will be high up on my list, no doubt. There is still a lot of Easter candy hanging around, maybe I should start throwing some away when no one is looking! ;-)
I am so relieved because honestly I was this close to throwing in the towel and having a giant bowl of pasta salad for lunch. (It is probably fine for most people to indulge in this occasionally, but if I have one bowl today I'll have five more bowls by the end of the week! It's an addiction!)
Weight this morning: 133.6
Loss of 3.2 pounds
Well, I'm quite happy to see that loss! I hadn't weighed in all week because I was afraid of seeing more gain, and I had no idea what to expect this morning. I was hoping to at least lose what I'd gained back last week, and I did and then some!
My workouts were abysmal this week, only two of them, but my eating was at or below calories every day except Sunday. Proving once again that while working out certainly helps me, it is what I eat that makes the biggest difference.
Goals this week: Getting my butt working out again, focusing more on protein again since it appears to have made a difference this week, and upping my water since it could definitely be better. Also, this week will be a PMS nightmare, so resisting cravings will be high up on my list, no doubt. There is still a lot of Easter candy hanging around, maybe I should start throwing some away when no one is looking! ;-)
I am so relieved because honestly I was this close to throwing in the towel and having a giant bowl of pasta salad for lunch. (It is probably fine for most people to indulge in this occasionally, but if I have one bowl today I'll have five more bowls by the end of the week! It's an addiction!)
Thursday, April 9, 2015
The blah
I haven't updated all week, but I'm still plugging. With my eating, that is. My workouts have been pathetic...only one so far this week and it's already Thursday!
I'm struggling the past few days, to be honest. Bloated, exhausted, depressed...PMS symptoms but its mid-month, so ovulation. I have a much harder time with this time of the month than the few days before my period, and I've no idea why. All I know is, I'm miserable and just feeling so lethargic and blah. So...nothing happening on treadmill.
Oh, and I currently want to eat anything and everything I can get my hands on! I've been counting everything (except Easter I didn't, mostly because I had cake and I don't know how to calculate that) and I'm still within range every day (but Sunday, obviously) but I feel like I've gained yet again. I feel so big around my stomach, which is probably partially bloat, but still. I'm feeling inclined to give in and eat all the yummies.
I just put my running shoes on...so we'll see.
**Edited to say I did it! I walked two very pathetic and slow miles. But hey, it's something. ;)
I'm struggling the past few days, to be honest. Bloated, exhausted, depressed...PMS symptoms but its mid-month, so ovulation. I have a much harder time with this time of the month than the few days before my period, and I've no idea why. All I know is, I'm miserable and just feeling so lethargic and blah. So...nothing happening on treadmill.
Oh, and I currently want to eat anything and everything I can get my hands on! I've been counting everything (except Easter I didn't, mostly because I had cake and I don't know how to calculate that) and I'm still within range every day (but Sunday, obviously) but I feel like I've gained yet again. I feel so big around my stomach, which is probably partially bloat, but still. I'm feeling inclined to give in and eat all the yummies.
I just put my running shoes on...so we'll see.
**Edited to say I did it! I walked two very pathetic and slow miles. But hey, it's something. ;)
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Sunday morning weigh-in
Weight last week: 135
Weight today: 136.8
Gain of 1.8 pounds
I am beyond frustrated by this gain. Yes, I figured last weeks monster loss wouldn't stick because it was mostly due to an almost 4 day fast...BUT I thought I could at least maintain it this week to make an average of less than two pounds a week for the past two weeks. Sigh. It apparently wasn't to be.
I don't know how to adjust at this point. I really am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm eating at or even below 1200 calories a day. I'm working out four days a week. I'm drinking water. I'm getting sleep. I'm not cheating with junk food. And all for what? A gain?? You best believe I'm having a slice of cake today, because dangit depriving myself sure isn't getting it done.
So anyway. Today I'm going to rethink what on earth is happening. I'm probably going to try to shift to more protein and push harder workouts, perhaps even adding in my nemesis: strength training. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm just honestly so bummed right now.
Weight today: 136.8
Gain of 1.8 pounds
I am beyond frustrated by this gain. Yes, I figured last weeks monster loss wouldn't stick because it was mostly due to an almost 4 day fast...BUT I thought I could at least maintain it this week to make an average of less than two pounds a week for the past two weeks. Sigh. It apparently wasn't to be.
I don't know how to adjust at this point. I really am doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I'm eating at or even below 1200 calories a day. I'm working out four days a week. I'm drinking water. I'm getting sleep. I'm not cheating with junk food. And all for what? A gain?? You best believe I'm having a slice of cake today, because dangit depriving myself sure isn't getting it done.
So anyway. Today I'm going to rethink what on earth is happening. I'm probably going to try to shift to more protein and push harder workouts, perhaps even adding in my nemesis: strength training. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm just honestly so bummed right now.
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